Unemployment and the affect on our relationship

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I'll try keep this as short as possible. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and moved in together in February. We are both very alike and very passionate people and we clicked from day 1. At the end of February he was made redundant. It wasn't expected. It was fine for while, hope was still there but now things are just awful.

We've sent out CV after CV and nothing. He's frustrated and money worries are always an issue. I think he has fallen into depression. He feels worthless, he cries, he gets angry so quickly and shouts at me, I'm the closest person to him so he takes it out on me sometimes. I've talked to him about it but he feels attacked. Even our dog shies away from him now. He used to be so confident and outgoing. He really was the one everyone loved to be around and he was known as having a great sense of humour but now he's a shell of a man. We went out Saturday night and he got to the pub before me and he nearly had a panic attack standing there on his own. He has put on weight as well, his confidence is completely shot. I got some unwanted attention from some men on Saturday night and he nearly got himself beat up trying to stick up for me. He has become jealous, something he never was. I was the one with jealously and insecurity issues at the beginning.

I love this man with all my heart and am trying to be a tower of strength for him but it's hard. I feel drained, stressed, on the verge of tears. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells sometimes. I've tried to get him to see doctor but he sees that as a weakness. I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I feel this will kill us and I don't know what to do. I'm a very strong person and can take a lot but this is hard, so hard. I also feel resentful that all this happened at this stage in our relationship. I know it's irrational but we should still be at the happy, enjoying living together stage but instead we bicker all the time, worry about money etc

What do I do? Is anyone in the same situation?

purejuice

Hi Im in kinda the same situation, im the one that is unemployed and like your partner I send CV after CV and get nothing back. I have been suffering panic attacks mainly cause Im the one stuck at home all day while my partner works two jobs and this causes alot of resentment on both parts. I guess your partner hates the fact that he isnt providing for you or paying more than he can and that can get frustrating. Myself and my partner have gone through a bad time argueing over money and him not understanding I am trying but its hard at the moment. Does your partner pay half of the rent and all that? I pay my half of the rent and my car and whatever else I have to which leaves me with nothing. Its a case of just sticking with it if you both love each other and hopefully he will find something soon. Its a hard time for everyone at the moment and hopefully things will get better.

LegacyUser

Hi, I was in the exact same position as your boyfriend. I felt worthless and that my gf deserved better than me when I lost my job. My advice would be to get your boyfriend to keep busy applying for jobs, meet recruiters and make sure he has profiles online with linkedin/monster etc. I also needed a bit of help from friends/family sprucing up my CV so it would read better to prospective employers have you had anybody with a bit of experience interviewing people look at his CV? When he starts getting interviews its almost like a full time job researching companies so he will be allot busier and will have a focus. I was fortunate that I got a great job that was above my expectations and im sure something similar will happen to your boyfriend. You obviously love him and im sure he feels the same I would just be there for him and offer advice when needed, just dont constantly be at him as im sure he knows what he has to do. My relationship with my gf is stronger than it was before and I know im lucky to have a woman that stood by me when I was going through worst couple of months of my life. As far as the weight is concerned maybe suggest he should organise a kick about with his mates in the park its summer time now so we should have some decent weather for a while and theres no cost involved unlike the gym.

Fentdog84

Sorry but your bf sounds like a bit of an eejit, tbh. Nice guy when things are going his way, but when they're not he becomes bad tempered and abusive to those around him. His behaviour towards you(and your dog!) is unfair and unnacceptable. His performance in the bar makes him seem like a jealous, insecure creep. I appreciate that its not an easy situation to be in, but he needs to get over it and just get back up in the horse and stay positive. The only person who can help him out of his misery is himself. You shouldnt feel obliged to hang around, if he's acting this way towards you.

Motley Crue

I'm employed by two companies, have two contracts, and last week worked 16 hours

The week before that I worked zero

The three weeks before that I worked every day from 6am to 4pm

So, to say life has it's up and down is an understatement, but yes life is a struggle and I do what I can. My parents, both of whom have worked for 40+ years, are facing retirement and an uncertain period in the next 10 - many would say their generation sold young people down the river, other's would say they were merely suburbanites taking the fall.

What's my point?

The phone could go at any moment, an email could arrive, the mail could come. Three possible ways I could get either an interview or a job. It's tricky but my advice is to just keep sending and sending and people will get back to you. Takes months for some, depending on Industry and skillset you have, and I've had days where I've cried and days where I've been as positive as anything.

Point is, you need to focus on the positive, and your boyfriend just needs to keep applying for jobs and keeping positive. Every day aim to apply for 5 jobs - use papers, websites, knock door to door, visit a FAS office, consider going back to college or doing a course or an apprenticeship. Keep your mind focused and concentrate on your goal - and you will get there.

Good luck.

As for his temper, that is inexcusable, and he needs to realise if he loses his temper or displays those kind of stupid emotions again he will lose more then a job. And I don't mean to be critical, as he is entitled to have fun while he is unemployed, but spending money on alcohol might not be the best thing for a guy who obviously has depression over not finding a job.

LegacyUser

Fentdog84 wrote: »

Sorry but your bf sounds like a bit of an eejit, tbh. Nice guy when things are going his way, but when they're not he becomes bad tempered and abusive to those around him. His behaviour towards you(and your dog!) is unfair and unnacceptable. His performance in the bar makes him seem like a jealous, insecure creep. I appreciate that its not an easy situation to be in, but he needs to get over it and just get back up in the horse and stay positive. The only person who can help him out of his misery is himself. You shouldnt feel obliged to hang around, if he's acting this way towards you.

what a horrible uneducated post.

OP, i was in the same situation as you a year ago, my partner lost his job very suddenly, it took 9 months for him to get a job.

my heart goes out to you, only someone who has been in the same position can understand what you are going through.

what i found most difficult was coming home from a bad day in the office but not being able to rant or talk about it, always having to be the smiley, happy, positive person and remembering that when he ranted, it wasnt at me but at the situation.

i got my partner to join a gym and bought him a bike, so he was getting out of the house and the rush from the gym raised his spirits a bit.

i also spent ages looking for free cheap things to do, so every weekend was filled to the brim and out of the house. i also spoke with some of his friends and asked them to arrange some evening football games to get him out of the house.

i never mentioned money to him and praised him a lot for things he done around the house.

when things got really bad, i would leave him a list of jobs to be done in the house, so he couldnt sit watching TV all day.

we had one argument in the 9 months, and that was when he had completely given up, and i just lost it, cried my eyes out and told him i couldnt do it anymore, i couldnt carry the two of us anymore, i needed emotional help.

he took a job, and HUGE pay cut, a job he really didnt want to do but tbh i didnt give him a choice, turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to him - he loves it.

it is really hard work and i really hope it doesnt go on for much longer for you.

i really wish i had some advice but...............

shellyboo

OP, it really sounds like he is suffering from depression, tbh. The panic attacks, the temper, the crying. I can totally understand him not wanting to go the doctor, seeing it as a weakness -- I was the same myself. Your self-esteem hits an all-time low, and "giving in" to depression seems like just another failure. Like, not only can you not get a job, but you can't even cope with unemployment.

If he's dead set on not going to the doctor, would there be any chance he'd take part in an online support group? The Samaritans do an email support service, and Aware have an online support group for those suffering from depression.

If he won't, then perhaps getting out of the house more might help. Talk to others affected the same way -- at the local jobs club, or maybe doing a FAS course, even if it's just something to pass time.

A lot of people are feeling the same way right now, he's absolutely not alone. Maybe if you can get him to see that, he might be more willing to accept help.

thecookingapple

Sunflower27 is always going on about the positives of doing volunteer work and i agree, i think if your bf tried this it would make a big difference, being unemployed i imagine is emotionally and physically draining, its important your bf keeps a healthy and pro active routine.

if you have a garden plants herbs, root vegetables and things like this, barter with your local restaurant and get free starters for exchange of your produce.

there are many things to keep a person proactive, one man i know got so sick of being at home he used to go to his family and friends gardens, landscaping them etc, he loved it so much it showed in his finished product, 1 year later he now employs 6 people and is constanly booked out.

another guy i know makes €400 a week buying and selling things on ebay.

one other girl i know corrects typing and punctuation on cv;s letters etc


There are many things to do to keep ones spirits lifted and sometimes something new comes out of these.

Sit down and write idea after idea with your boyfriend of things he can do and likes doing and do it free for other people, it may start something but even failing that it will keep his sense of worth up.

Good luck in this difficult time and although hard just remember we love out partners in the best times so its equally as important if not more that we love and look after them in the bad periods.

Curry Addict

i gota agree with fentdog.
its not an easy situation but his reaction is unacceptable tbh. life brings these tough periods from time to time, no point going around winging about it, and trowing his toys out of the pram.
i remember working for 80e a week for 3 years in the 80s when i finished college. it was crap but you have to grin and bear it and make yourself happy in other ways.

im currently redundant now for 2 years, sure things are tight but im having a great time discovering new things and enriching my life in other ways.
ill get another great job eventually and will be able to buy more useless stuff

people should never let their career define who they are or determine their happiness imho.
life is too damn short, he now has an opportunity to do a lot of fun things.

i would insist he goes to the doctor for a start. also encourage him to explore his talents and try new things.

Debased Pixie

dinnerlegs wrote: »

what a horrible uneducated post.

OP, i was in the same situation as you a year ago, my partner lost his job very suddenly, it took 9 months for him to get a job.

my heart goes out to you, only someone who has been in the same position can understand what you are going through.

what i found most difficult was coming home from a bad day in the office but not being able to rant or talk about it, always having to be the smiley, happy, positive person and remembering that when he ranted, it wasnt at me but at the situation.

i got my partner to join a gym and bought him a bike, so he was getting out of the house and the rush from the gym raised his spirits a bit.

i also spent ages looking for free cheap things to do, so every weekend was filled to the brim and out of the house. i also spoke with some of his friends and asked them to arrange some evening football games to get him out of the house.

i never mentioned money to him and praised him a lot for things he done around the house.

when things got really bad, i would leave him a list of jobs to be done in the house, so he couldnt sit watching TV all day.

we had one argument in the 9 months, and that was when he had completely given up, and i just lost it, cried my eyes out and told him i couldnt do it anymore, i couldnt carry the two of us anymore, i needed emotional help.

he took a job, and HUGE pay cut, a job he really didnt want to do but tbh i didnt give him a choice, turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to him - he loves it.

it is really hard work and i really hope it doesnt go on for much longer for you.

i really wish i had some advice but...............

I know this sounds rude, but you partner sounds a bit pathetic if you ask me.
For most of the post above it sounds like your son, or your dog.

"i got my partner to join a gym and bought him a bike, so he was getting out of the house and the rush from the gym raised his spirits a bit.

i also spent ages looking for free cheap things to do, so every weekend was filled to the brim and out of the house. i also spoke with some of his friends and asked them to arrange some evening football games to get him out of the house.

i never mentioned money to him and praised him a lot for things he done around the house.

when things got really bad, i would leave him a list of jobs to be done in the house, so he couldnt sit watching TV all day.

we had one argument in the 9 months, and that was when he had completely given up, and i just lost it, cried my eyes out and told him i couldnt do it anymore, i couldnt carry the two of us anymore, i needed emotional help"

I'm not surprised you needed emotional help. i couldnt carry the two of us anymore, i needed emotional help" Is he a man or a mouse? I tell you this much, this recession is really sorting out the men from the boys.

I've been self employed since I was 23, I'm 36 now. I pick and choose the work I do. It wasn't easy getting started, but nothing worth achieving ever is. Anyone can stand there and wait for someone to hand them something.
Good luck with that relationship, it wouldn't be for me.

MissFlitworth

Debased Pixie wrote: »

I know this sounds rude, but you partner sounds a bit pathetic if you ask me.

The reason that sounds rude is because it is rude, it's also utter rubbish. Her partner is not pathetic, a huge slice of the country is unemployed at the moment through no fault of their own and, although you 'pick & choose' the work you'd like to do it doesn't mean it's like that for unemployed people in general. Not everyone has a skill set that lends itself to being self employed.

The attitude in your post, specifically the 'sorting out the men from the boys bit' is a huge part of the reason why men like the OPs partner feel so very down when it gets to the point when they're relying on other people to support them

tenchi-fan

Hi Op, here's a quick slide show which might help a little:
http://www.forbes.com/pictures/efkk45fdhg/taking-too-many-breaks-from-the-search-particularly-after-making-progress

Debased Pixie

MissFlitworth wrote: »

The reason that sounds rude is because it is rude, it's also utter rubbish. Her partner is not pathetic, a huge slice of the country is unemployed at the moment through no fault of their own and, although you 'pick & choose' the work you'd like to do it doesn't mean it's like that for unemployed people in general. Not everyone has a skill set that lends itself to being self employed.

The attitude in your post, specifically the 'sorting out the men from the boys bit' is a huge part of the reason why men like the OPs partner feel so very down when it gets to the point when they're relying on other people to support them

"Not everyone has a skill set that lends itself to being self employed"
I'm not talking about being self employed. I have continually done courses throughout my life. I can speak italian, I'm a qualified woodworker, programmer, designer, musician, and none of the preceding has anything got to do with my present work. I simply choose to work in my field, although I am thinking about doing something different - out of choice. But I didn't become self employed by choice. I became self employed when I couldn't get the work that I wanted to do - that was 13 years ago and it was a real struggle.

I know a lot of people were in jobs and they got let go. But everyone knows or should know, that no job is permanent, that hasn't been the case for the last 30 years, not 10 years. If you ask me, too many people sat on their arses when times were good.

My dad told me he'd clean toilets if he couldn't find work - and he would. I respect that. That's what I was saying 'sorting out the men from the boys'
You don't need a lot of 'skill sets' to clean a toilet.

I would be glad to see a lot more people showing some humility with the recession. A stark contrast to the last decade.

Debased Pixie

thecookingapple wrote: »

Sunflower27 is always going on about the positives of doing volunteer work and i agree, i think if your bf tried this it would make a big difference, being unemployed i imagine is emotionally and physically draining, its important your bf keeps a healthy and pro active routine.

if you have a garden plants herbs, root vegetables and things like this, barter with your local restaurant and get free starters for exchange of your produce.

there are many things to keep a person proactive, one man i know got so sick of being at home he used to go to his family and friends gardens, landscaping them etc, he loved it so much it showed in his finished product, 1 year later he now employs 6 people and is constanly booked out.

another guy i know makes €400 a week buying and selling things on ebay.

one other girl i know corrects typing and punctuation on cv;s letters etc


There are many things to do to keep ones spirits lifted and sometimes something new comes out of these.

Sit down and write idea after idea with your boyfriend of things he can do and likes doing and do it free for other people, it may start something but even failing that it will keep his sense of worth up.

Good luck in this difficult time and although hard just remember we love out partners in the best times so its equally as important if not more that we love and look after them in the bad periods.

That's a good post.

Taltos

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Taltos