haunted by the marriage of a first boyfriend

LegacyUser

This is a very minor problem, but persistent and intense, so I'd love some objective advice.

A few weeks ago, a close friend texted saying that my first boyfriend had married. I met him when I was about to turn sixteen, and broke it off after three months because it felt too intense at such a young age. It was nothing to do with him - we got on really well, I liked him, but felt suffocated. He took it badly, basically despised me ever after. He met a girl two months afterwards and after twelve years together she's the one he married.

My feelings on hearing of their marriage were completely unexpected. I don't think I'd given him a passing thought all that time - other than regret when I heard that he'd spoken ill of me.

It's been a few weeks since I've heard of the marriage, and I feel a recurrent sadness and regret. While I don't believe I could have sustained one relationship all that time, I had some very negative experiences in between - one particularly destructive relationship.

I think what I feel is regret that I didn't hang on in there. He was such a good guy, I feel I made a bad call. I also feel that if I'd stayed with him the intervening years would have been healthier, better, happier.

The silver lining is I have a great boyfriend of quite a few years now, a perfect companion, my ideal guy .. but he isn't the same type of man - the type to stay with a girl through his youth and then marry her, so I feel a strange wistful kind of longing for that kind of relationship and partner.

At the moment it feels like I'm possessed by this nostalgia. I know it will pass, but god it's weird in the meantime.

LegacyUser

Thanks Sunflower, you're dead right.

I was mulling it over after I posted and realised it isn't about him but me, and regret for the twit I was for ten years.

Of course you're perfectly right about their relationship. It's egotistical to imagine we'd have married if we hadn't broken up then.

I think I was thrown by the completely unexpected wave of sadness. The human heart, eh.

LegacyUser

Look at it from the other side. For all you know, the girl he's married could be thinking: "Why did it take 12 years before we got married? At long last, about time!", OR "I wonder what it's like to go out with another guy, I wonder what I'm missing", or OR "I'm bored, why didn't I have a bit of excitement before getting tied down in a longterm serious relationship".
So there's pros& cons from both sides.

thefeatheredcat

I think if you hadn't been on the receiving end of his negativity, you probably wouldn't feel this regretful or nostalgic, which may be weighing on you in the form of guilt.

While it is almost like a fairy tale to be with someone from a young age and then marry them, think in the meantime you have got to know different types of people and even when the worst experience has come your way, you've gotten through it and has helped build you as the person you are today and your character.

There's no guarantee that had you stayed with him, you would have been happier (although it would have been a safe way to go through life) as going down the road you might have wanted different things, changed as people, and might have gotten to such a safe place within in a relationship that may not be fulfilling. No doubt you've changed a lot since your 16 year old self with life experience.

I wouldn't dwell on it too much. Just wish him all the best and focus on what you have now in your life, rather than what ifs or beating yourself up about what happened.

I think in general it's always weird when someone from your childhood or teens that you haven't had contact with pops up in some way... I've had a fair few childhood friends of mine that I have had little to do with when our friendships ended years ago that got married recently or run their own businesses, (of which I get little unwanted "updates" on) which is a far cry from my own life, but I am often reminded of how we were friends and well, yeah... not worth dwelling on really!

IrishEyes19

Nostalgia is fine, OP. It happens to all of us, but look at this sensibly. You were sixteen when you were with him. If I were to go back to my romantic days when I was sixteen, I'd burn the memories of them and leave it in the past. Apart from being immature, conviced that person was "the one" and emotional, :rolleyes:, you are most likely not the person you were when you were sixteen, and I assume either is he. So as another poster has said here, whose to say that is you. It sounds like you feel guilty for ending it and him being angry at you, possibly a little jealous if you dont mind me saying that he's now engaged and so on.

Just move and forget about it. I dont mean to be rude, but if you havent given him a second thought till now, its nothing to do with you liking him romantically or wondering if it could have been you. People you love or have feelings for stay in your mind, not just jot in and out to be honest.

Be happy with your own lot and wish him the best. thats the best ending there could be to this

S23

I won't mollycoddle you like the other replies.

You went out with him for 3 months when you were 16. You're both 28/29 now? If you're still anything like you were then I'd be amazed.

Seriously get on with your life. Jesus if we all got hung up on such ridiculously insignificant nonsense we'd be permanently affected by minor stuff that happend to us last week/last month/last year/last decade.

All this talk of sadness and regret might be masking something else you don't want to mention straight out. If there is something else that's a seperate issue. If there isn't something else then throw some cold water on your face, give yourself a slap and go back to living your life like you had before.

IrishEyes19

S23 wrote: »

I won't mollycoddle you like the other replies.

You went out with him for 3 months when you were 16. You're both 28/29 now? If you're still anything like you were then I'd be amazed.

Seriously get on with your life. Jesus if we all got hung up on such ridiculously insignificant nonsense we'd be permanently affected by minor stuff that happend to us last week/last month/last year/last decade.

All this talk of sadness and regret might be masking something else you don't want to mention straight out. If there is something else that's a seperate issue. If there isn't something else then throw some cold water on your face, give yourself a slap and go back to living your life like you had before.

Mollycoddling??? thought the replies here were pretty fair to be honest.

@OP, as i said, just be happy for the guy and enjoy your relationship you have with your current bf, things happen for a reason

Chinafoot

This happened to me too OP and although I had no romantic feelings for this man anymore, it still felt weird. My situation was a bit more than a 3 month relationship at 16 but I think to feel odd about an old flame in this scenario isn't uncommon.

In my case, we got together when I was 16 going on 17 (he was 5 years older) and stayed together for just under 2 years. It was a very intense relationship and it was my first relationship after a sexual assault so for me it was a big deal.

Unfortunately things didn't work out and I knew he was cheating towards the end. I ended the relationship and he married her about 4 years later. When I heard they were engaged I felt really weird. I had gotten over the cheating but it was like it was dragged up again. She was better than me. He wanted to marry her while he couldn't even be faithful to me. It was a horrible feeling that I found hard to reconcile because at the end of the day I didn't want him anymore.

I have a fantastic boyfriend now of almost 6 years and my ex now has 2 kids. I don't think I'll ever forgive him for hurting me the way he did but it hurts less knowing that their relationship has worked out and it wasn't some stupid fling that messed up our relationship.

I know this might not seem entirely relevant to your situation OP as the relationship was a bit more serious, but I do think its ok for you to feel a bit odd over it. But remember that you have a great boyfriend and that both you and your ex are completely different people to who you were back then. Try not to dwell on the past.

neuro-praxis

I would echo the advice above that this will pass...it certainly will.

I would just like to add to the OP that you have a beautiful writing style and you should write more. It's rare to see a post so eloquently written.