What do normal men do around the house/garden/DIY

catzwizkas

Just had a fight with the Hub because I feel he doesnt do much to help me which, for the most part, I accept because he is happier doing his own thing, but then I still get blamed for "nagging" him with "endless chores" when I do ask him on the rare occasion for help. i dont want this to sound one sided. My husband genuinely feels his weekends are obliterated in a litany of job lists. In the fight he asked me to compare his efforts to others but we hardly monitor every move our friends make so I couldnt in all honesty.

We have no kids. Its just a house that needs regular DIY and the usual cleaning, and 3/4 of an acre of garden but we both work although I work longer hours.

Anyway the ONLY way we're going to be able to resolve this fairly is to BEG YOU for help. I need some sort of informal poll of how much women ask of their husbands, and how much time husbands believe they spend doing what I will losely term "Domestics" - cleaning, DIY, gardening, etc.

WHAT IS NORMAL/AVERAGE??

I genuinely dont believe I nag him or ask anything of him thats unreasonable but MAYBE I DO?

I know this is the stuff of stand up comedians and people may be tempted to post similar comments but this is a genuine and heartfelt query. I think the different opinions of men and woman may be interesting and enlightening. Please indicate if you're the male or female if your avatar isnt specific.

Thanks for the help

Ickle Magoo

Relationship issues is an advice forum, not a forum for polling general opinion. Is there something you specifically would like advice on? If it's just for a quick poll then this is better suited to another forum, like the Gentleman's Club.

Morag

I am refusing to say if I am male or female you just have to take my advice as is.

You need to sit down with him and discuss that level of upkeep for the place you both have and find a middle ground and then discuss what you both feel comfortabel doing.

Not every man has an intrest in the traditional external up keep of a house and DIY, some have no intrest or were never shown a routine or what needs doing.

Some women prefer to do the painting, gardening and washing windows and hate ironing shirts so thier male partners do that and the cooking.

You need to look at levels of expected up keep, the skill set you both have, what you are comfortable doing and the ammount of time to be spent on such chores, esp the seasonal stuff.

There is no normal or average, there is an idea of what the man/women does around the house and that is a horrible trap to fall into begin with.

Neyite

I am a woman, and we dont really have set areas of expertise - if something needs doing, whoever is free does it - though I do all the cooking, because he cant and I also enjoy it, so he makes up for that by keeping on top of the laundry. I dont believe that there are 'male' and 'female' chores.

I cant stand having a list of chores at the weekend - whats to look forward to? I prefer to do about an hour or so every evening before dinner so I have it all done by friday evening and then can relax in my relativley clean house for the rest of the weekend. Generally if one of us gets stuck into cleaning up, the other gets the hint and helps out so we get it done together.

Your problem I think is, that you see things that need doing, whereas your husband may not think or notice, so you need to work out what chores need doing, and the frequency together. By that, I dont mean that you tell him, he agrees for peace, then forgets, because that will only land you both back to where you are now.

Everyone has different standards - My mum will barely let you get the last forkful in before she swipes your plate to wash it. My sisters house is immaculate by my standards, yet her and her husband apologise for the 'mess'.

catzwizkas

Thanks for the advice. We sort of had that chat and assessed individual skills but it hasnt stuck. I accept and am usually happy that I do more and that I do this more often. I am just really ticked to still be labelled the nagging wife. But these are my impressons and I want to keep this fair. This is why I wanted to work out what other woman "get away with" before they're considered to be nagging? How do guys spend their weekend? How much time do they have for "their own thing"?

I am hugely impressed at both the above responses for the mature and mutual arrangements you have. Well done and long may it last!!

FYI we've been married 11 years and are in our 40's/50's - both 1st marriages - We've been together for 16 years. So its a case of teaching old dogs.......

Thanks again

trio

I think it comes down to what both your expectations are of cleanliness.

I lived with literally dozens of roommates over the years. As regards cleanliness, I discovered I'm somewhere in the middle - I found this out cos there are some real clean freaks out there.

Just how clean do you like things to be? I lived with a girl who would literally hoover every couple of days. I think that's excessive. I barely saw her in the kitchen without a sweeping brush in her hand, and had a radar for any countertop grime. It was really tiresome.

My husband genuinely feels his weekends are obliterated in a litany of job lists.

That struck me. Are there a big list of jobs at the weekend? Cos that's not really what weekends should be about and if my husband gave me a list of jobs at the weekends I'd be pretty peeved off too.

I don't have any kids either - and we do damn all at the weekends. We may throw in a pile of laundry - but precious little else. We may potter round the garden if it's a sunny afternoon. But not with any sense of "needs to be done". And the general rule is, if one cooks then the other washes the dishes.

As to when everything else gets done - bits and pieces during the week. Changing sheets one night, running a vaccuum around one room only another night. (No way in hell would I ever do the whole house in one go - jesus, the work!)

I just got the suspicion from your post that you do have a list of jobs in your head. Are they all really neccessary??

catzwizkas

Trio. Your weekends actually sound a lot like mine except that you say "we" a lot. My husband has his hobby and I clean and garden as much as I feel like it. I only ask his help if there is something that I cannot physically do. Last weekend's list was to bring down the laundry basket (which i then did myself) and saw off a fallen branch on a tree which took exactly 5 minutes.

I consciously work at leaving him in peace even though its hard work and its lonely as hell but I know he wants to be doing his hobby and I'd rather have a happy husband. He is supposed to vacumn the house but usually doesnt and I say nothing. I do all the other cooking and cleaning because I'm just better and faster at it, and I dont mind. I do get ticked off when I have to do the gardening alone which is "my hobby". Very pressured to be described as a hobby. Huge garden. OH argues I didnt set up the garden like he would have and have as such made work for myself. But even if the garden was set up according to his plan there would still be basic maintenance and a spade would have to be applied to soil on ocassion. He does in fairness mow the lawn - drive on mower, takes about 20 to 30 minutes.

Morag

SO the issue is he wants to do feck all and then turns on you when you ask for help he uses emotionally loaded words to upset you and distract from him not helping?

Have a think about the emotional manipulation game he's using. It's not respecthing a person when a partner does that. He's found a button to push that upsets you so you go all defensive and worried about not being a nag and so he gets away with not doing anything.

You can lead a horse to water...

Kimia

He sounds like a lazy f*cker to be honest. I too have experience with the perils of living with a lazy man and it's a killer, it drains you. You can't even go to battle with them and do nothing, to see if they'll be pissed off with the mess and clean it up themselves because they never will. There could be piles of mess literally heaped around my bf and he wouldn't notice, or else he wouldn't care.

The only way I got through it was to explain to him (it took a few times) how I felt about the situation. I had to meet him in the middle - he has different expectations to me, and I prefer the place to be clean and tidy all the time so I had to let some things go and he had to step up.

Now we have our own little jobs - he still does about 30% and I do 70% but we talk about it, and if I need to I ask him. He still moans that I'm nagging him but I just point out what I've done in the past week and what he's done and that shows him up a small bit, so he feels guilted into doing it.

It's not a solution and I don't enjoy it - it's the one part of my relationship that I really hate tbh, but I can't see it changing. Sorry this wasn't more positive!

ElleEm

I don't know if men are just programmed differently or their mammies have encouraged them to be how they are, but a lot of men I know are like this.
My partner is amazing in every way, but he just doesn't think of cleaning.
When I hear the washing machine finish, I take out the washing and hang it out. When the dishwasher beeps, I empty it.. it's just a natural response whereas my partner has to be told/ reminded to do these things. He waits til he runs out of clean clothes before he washes them (I stopped washing his clothes a long time ago!), and he could literally be tripping over things on the floor before picking them up.
He has good personal and food hygiene, and isn't "dirty", but just in relation to tidying and stuff, it doesn't come naturally to him.
He also thinks weekends are for relaxing, but doesn't think of setting a time for when the work needs to be done.

LegacyUser

How about not cooking for him, tidying up after him, washing his clothes etc for a few weeks and see how he gets on. If you have tried talking and it hasn't worked then it's time for actions speak louder than words. And if the house is annoying you, please please still don't tidy after him.
Also ask him for to pay for the gardener you need to hire for your garden, seeing as he is not happy with the layout!
I don't know how you can stick him tbh.

Azureus

^ I tried this before to teach my OH a lesson so to speak... it doesnt work!!!! haha the place was a kip and he barely saw it, while it drove me up the wall.

Tbh it sounds like your hubby does a lot less than most though if you're looking at the general scale of things.

miec

Hi Op

I had a lazy ex who did very little, sounds similar to your husband. What I had suggested to my ex was to get a cleaner but he wouldn't even agree to that. If I were you I would get a cleaner in once a week, a handy man to do the DIY jobs and someone occasionally to do heavy tasks in the garden. It may cost you more money but it will save you time and stress.

shellyboo

My partner's really good about helping me with household chores... for the most part, I'd do all the cooking, cleaning and washing; his realm is the bins and hoovering (because I hate it), but in reality he helps me with everything, more or less.

I wouldn't usually ask him to put on a load of washing (fear of ruining the clothes, lol), but he'll happily throw a load in the dryer, put on the dishwasher, unload it, whatever. I do have to ask a couple of times for some tasks if he's online or having a laze around... but I wouldn't (personally) class that as nagging. Like, I wouldn't be asking if it didn't need done, and I wouldn't be asking at that moment if it didn't need done at that moment... so if he doesn't get up and do it, I'd have no hesitation in "reminding" him.

It would get my knickers in a serious twist if asking for help with the most basic household tasks turned into a guilt trip over "nagging" and "annoying" someone. Perhaps the best attack in your case would be to sit down and assign the tasks to each person. Make a list of household and maintenance tasks and ask him which ones he's happy to take responsibility for. It will soon become apparent that he's being selfish and a bit lazy, while you're taking on most of the workload. And he won't be able to complain afterwards that you're asking him to do too much if he's already said he'll look after mowing the lawn or taking out the bins, etc.

beegirl

Was just thinking about this earlier today - are there some jobs that really should be 'mens' jobs, as sexist as that sounds... this was while I attempted to wrangle 40kg bags of coal into a coal bunker - I am the only one who ever does that job and as you can probably guess from my username, I'm a girl! My hubby is much bigger/stronger than me but just too lazy to actually put the coal into the coal bunker apparently lol :rolleyes:

But in general he isn't too bad at the household stuff, he cooks more often than me but I probably do more of the cleaning so it balances out - most of the time!

I do really appreciate where you're coming from though - quite often if I do ask him to do something I get told "it's a weeknight, I'm just home from work!!!" if it's a weeknight or "it's the weekend, this is the only time off I have!!!" if it's the weekend... so there never seems to be a good time to ask! And yeah, I can see his point, there probably is never a time where you would really WANT to do these things but they do still need to be done! We both work full-time so it's only fair that we should split household work too...

Me explaining all of the above to him did help though, like I said we balance things quite evenly lately! I also reminded him how much he would have to do if he lived alone - so I know your husband was asking you to compare with other couples but maybe comparing with people who aren't part of a couple might let him know exactly how much you do for him!

catzwizkas

Folks. I never had a chance to thank you for your posts. report back is that there is no real change but I do feel the need to say that he is a good man and we are a happy couple. He puts up with my faults too and I am very far from perfect. I think he and I have agreed to disagree on all of this and thankfully most of the time we're cool. It did help a lot to show him this post so MISSION ACCOMPLISHED to some degree. Thanks again

I am a friend

Have you considered, given that you work long hours, getting a cleAner in? We get a lady in once a week for 2 hours and it costs €20.

She does stuff like stuff like cleaning the fridge, cooker etc and it's so easy for us to maintain it them. I love having the house so clean and certainly think €10 per person, per week is well spent for the extra amount of time it gives us at the weekends.

Sleepy

ElleEm wrote: »

I don't know if men are just programmed differently or their mammies have encouraged them to be how they are, but a lot of men I know are like this.

It's not just men ElleEm, it's different people having different standards. In our house I could spot dirt all over a room 5 minutes after my partner has cleaned it. I came from a home where my mother was a stay at home mum whose kitchen would have been clean enough to perform surgery in. My partner not coming from such a background doesn't see a house as needing to be as clean as that (probably bordering on obsessive compulsive) standard I grew up with.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I don't think that you should HAVE to do the majority of things, it's ok if you prefer it that way, but your reasons -you find yourself just better and faster at doing things, makes me wonder if he deliberately does simple chores slowly and half arsed precisely because he knows that you will get frustrated and prefer to do them yourself, so it gives him a good excuse for having to do so little.

It could be because that you are happy to continue doing the majority of chores, that when you do on occasion ask him to do something, he is so used to and comfortable not having to do anything else that he has just become very lazy and a little bit selfish, and he knows from experience with all the other chores, that if he complains or does something half hearted that you are going to do it anyways.

If you stopped doing the majority of all the other chores, and you two start a system where you share ALL of the simple chores roughly 50/50, then when something that you specifically need his help for needs doing, it wouldn't be so out of the ordinary for him to just do it, as he would be more accustomed by then to the whole idea of sharing all chores. There could be something that you are specifically better or more able to do than him, so you could always do that chore too. The rest you share.

At the minute I am only living with my boyfriend 4 days and nights a week, but we have lived together permanently for a few years in the past. With us we share as many chores as we can. Say for example with dinner.
If we were making homemade chips, we both have a peeler in our hands for the potatoes, and we'll both chop them up - gets it done quicker.
My boyfriend loves cooking meat, so if there's steaks or chops to cook on the pan, he likes to marinade them and fry them, or marinade meats that are getting oven baked. I'll then take care of the vegetables and sauce for the dinner.
If I'm making italian, mexican, indian or chinese food which he doesn't know as much about, he will help me with the prep work, then usually watch how I make something because he likes to learn how to do different things with food.

Of course we will each have our lazy days, then one person will just do all the cooking of dinner for that evening, and the other will return the favour the next day, but tbh we both kinda like cooking so it's not unusual to see the two of us hovering over the cooker stove chatting, and each stirring at a different pot.
I will admit that if it's a cooked breakfast though, he will make it 90% of the time, because he just makes awesome breakfasts. :-) He also seems to do more of the little things like offering me cups of tea, or making snacks like sandwiches. I do these things aswell, but I do sometimes think that he does it slightly more often than me.

With washing up, I hate drying, he hates washing, so I wash, he dries. In the old house there was a dishwasher, I hate emptying it, so I would fill it, he would empty it and put the things back in press.

I like painting, he doesn't, so I will paint if a room needs doing, but he will do the "filling in" bits near the edges because I'm not very neat with that and don't like that bit.

He messes the kitchen with crumbs, or leaving press doors open, or forgetting to put milk or butter back in fridge. It annoys me not to have a completely clear counter, so I put these things away and make the counters spotless and clear.

I clutter the sitting room with cups and glasses, or by not bringing my meal plate straight into the kitchen after eating. This annoys him so he clears sitting room clutter, and will polish the table, and furniture.

I can't stand a messy kitchen, he can't stand a messy sitting room, so we each tidy the one we like best.

In the bedroom, he is much tidier than me. I might have a small pile of clothes for the wash, and he will always remind me that they are there by saying, I'm putting on a wash now, do you want to get your stuff sorted for washing. If he puts the clothes in for the wash, then I will hang them to dry. Sometimes I will sort the laundry though, by arranging them into their coloured groups, darks, brights, whites etc.
He always changes the sheets and quilt covers, because I am useless at putting on quilt covers without making the duvet lumpy.
I always wash and dry the towels.

In the bathroom, I clean the shower and bath, he cleans the toilets. I empty the bathroom bins, we both clean the sinks.

I sweep floors, he mops floors, we both hoover although he does that a bit more than me because he is fussier about dust.

Anything that involves heavy lifting he does. He also cleans up after the dogs in the garden, because they are his dogs and not mine even though I of course love them and treat them like my own when there, but they are his and so he buys their food too. He changes lightbulbs.
He gets rid of spiders for me. :-)
Aside from painting which I do, he would do most other DIY electrical or building small jobs. I like to help with them if I can.

I have a few favourite meals of his which I will sometimes cook alone, if he is having a tired day, and he has things that I love to eat that he will do if I'm tired.
I sort out all the financial trouble that he sometimes gets in to, he'll follow a sensible plan for so long but sometimes messes up by wasting money on rubbish, and ending up in trouble with bills. It's me who will phone the companies, and arrange repayment plans for him.
I generally advise him on how to budget his money for the week, only when he asks me for help though, I would never try to boss him into how to spend his own money, as I said he is terrible with money and budgeting and will just waste it on stupid things if he doesn't have a plan for the week, so then he comes and asks me for advice which he will follow for a few months. Sometimes he gets me to mind his money for him, so that he won't spend it on crap.
I give him head and face massages to relax him if we're just chilling in the sitting room.

These are just some examples of sharing chores that you could try op, and adjust them to suit yourself and your boyfriend's preferences. It's roughly 50/50, but as I said occasionally one of us will have a lazy day where the other does most things, but it all seems to balance itself out in the end.

I would say I would naturally be a bit more lax than him, but I couldn't sit in a room watching tv, if he started cleaning the house around me. He is the same as me in this regards, he couldn't just watch me clean while he sat there. Neither of us would feel comfortable doing that, so as soon as one of us starts, the other one hops up to lend a hand. I will admit he is usually the first to start cleaning or clearing up, I would be happier to relax a little longer, but as soon as he starts I'll hop up and get stuck in too. If I start cleaning first, he's up like a shot to see what he can do. Two people gets the work done much quicker, then this leaves you more time to relax together, and have more fun time together too.

I realise other couples might have a different way of doing things, if one has longer working hours than the other, but I think if you have similar schedules then the work should be split equally.