Child Abuse, The Aftermath

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I'm seeking advice on behalf of a friend. I'm completely and utterly sworn to secrecy so I can't ask anyone I know about it. Basically, my friend is a VERY attractive and very nice young man, he's also gay, lets call him, Mr X. A few weeks ago, I introduced Mr X to Mr Y (also an absolute stunner, also one of the most charming ppl I've ever met). Anyway they've been dating a while now, both are still virgins and their encounters have thus far been limited to huggs, kisses, hand holdage etc.

However quite recently, we all went to a house party together, consumed a lot of alcohol, as you do. Mr Y took Mr X to a quiet spot and things got a little heated, some heavy petting was involved. Mr Y began to touch Mr X in a way that brought back bad memories for Mr X. Mr X became very upset and had a serious conversation with Mr Y. Later I found Mr X sobbing quietly. I sat beside him and we had a chat. He was trying to tell me something, but couldn't get the words out, eventually he managed to tell me in a rather round-about way that when he was little, he was sexually abused.

It was like everything about mr X seemed clearer. He's a very guarded person, and mr Y would often confide in me about Mr X's intimacy issues. I'm still in complete and utter shock to be honest as I write this. He cried on my shoulder a lot, and got it all out. He started to feel a bit better after a while, which I'm so happy about. Mr X and Mr Y crashed on our friend's couch and had a little spooning session they both seemed quite happy the next morning as Mr Y set off for work.

I have since spoken to Mr X about it, while perfectly sober. I am the only person on earth that knows about this. I feel as if I've been given a live grenade to hold. Mr Y doesn't know anything other than there's something wrong. My question is, what do I do? I've never had to deal with anything like this before in my young life.

Mr X doesn't want to talk about it, but I just said a few words on the issue, i.e. that I'm here if he wants to talk about it and It's our secret. I suspect he feels a bit better that he told someone, maybe that'll help him come to terms with it. I advised him that he should talk to a professional about it. In my opinion, I think he needs to tell Mr Y if the relationship has any chance of success, although it is completely up to him. My hope is that as Mr X gets to know and trust Mr Y more (Mr Y is the sweetest guy ever) that he may feel more comfortable and some of his intimacy issues would be resolved.

Can anyone offer any advice?

Nevyn

He needs professional help, be it from the rape crises agency or from 1 in 4 both have 1 to 1 counselling and group couselling for suriviors of child abuse.

You are not trained to deal with this, you may make matters worse and there is the impact it can have on you, so try and get him to talk to a professional.

http://www.oneinfour.org/services/
http://www.rcni.ie/rape-crisis-centres.aspx

LegacyUser

you're completely right, but how exactly does one get someone professional help if they dont want to talk about it.

Nevyn

The fact that they told you means they are getting to the stage where they need to talk about it, they may not want to but they need to. If you let yourself be the outlet for that need then they may put off going to talk to a professional and not get the help needed.

What you can do is pass on the above information to them, saying it out loud and admitting it to someone else is a big step but it's a long journey to where they are a survivor and no longer a victim.

cgcsb

Thaedydal wrote: »

The fact that they told you means they are getting to the stage where they need to talk about it, they may not want to but they need to. If you let yourself be the outlet for that need then they may put off going to talk to a professional and not get the help needed.

What you can do is pass on the above information to them, saying it out loud and admitting it to someone else is a big step but it's a long journey to where they are a survivor and no longer a victim.

honestly, I really don't think that talking about it to a close friend could possibly be considered a bad thing

Logical Fallacy

cgcsb wrote: »

honestly, I really don't think that talking about it to a close friend could possibly be considered a bad thing

It's not, right now, but it would be if you allow it to continue without pointing him in the right direction.

Basically, and not meaning to insult you, you are not equipped to help him through this. Sexual abuse is a massively complex and difficult thing to deal with, at some point he will need the help and experience of a professional, or someone who has studied and is intimate with the effects that this can have on someones personality and life.

In short, the fact that he has opened up to you is a great indicator of how strong your friendship is, as his friend it is now your job to help him see that the next stage is to seek help from someone who will be able to help him fully deal with his issues.

LegacyUser

Logical Fallacy wrote: »

It's not, right now, but it would be if you allow it to continue without pointing him in the right direction.

Basically, and not meaning to insult you, you are not equipped to help him through this. Sexual abuse is a massively complex and difficult thing to deal with, at some point he will need the help and experience of a professional, or someone who has studied and is intimate with the effects that this can have on someones personality and life.

In short, the fact that he has opened up to you is a great indicator of how strong your friendship is, as his friend it is now your job to help him see that the next stage is to seek help from someone who will be able to help him fully deal with his issues.

Is this directed to me? I'm confused. In case I haven't made it clear, I've already advised him to seek a professional, he's chosen not to.

Logical Fallacy

In_Need_of_Advice wrote: »

Is this directed to me? I'm confused. In case I haven't made it clear, I've already advised him to seek a professional, he's chosen not to.

It's directed at the person who's response i quoted, apologies for the mix up, for some reason i thought they started the thread.

up for anything

In_Need_of_Advice wrote: »

I advised him that he should talk to a professional about it. In my opinion, I think he needs to tell Mr Y if the relationship has any chance of success, although it is completely up to him. My hope is that as Mr X gets to know and trust Mr Y more (Mr Y is the sweetest guy ever) that he may feel more comfortable and some of his intimacy issues would be resolved.

Can anyone offer any advice?

My advice is be careful of taking responsibility for Mr X and I don't mean that in a bad way. You are the first person he has told. Obviously you recognise that he needs to seek professional help although he has initially denied that. In my opinion you need to offer your support but without offering any advice or well-meaning prodding towards a course you think will help him.

This is not a situation that you are qualified to give help in other than hugs and a listening ear. As for the Mr Y situation - I feel you should stay right out of it. You can't be sure that Mr Y will react in the way that you envisage and it may well be that in order to sort out his head and his past, Mr X does not need the complication of a relationship.

Good luck. It's hard to see a friend in a tough situation like this but the need to seek professional help will have to come from him.

eddison

Hello,

I have also know friends who have been abused. Personally I would not force them into professional advice, as that is a little ignorant.
This is difficult to explain, but I would try to semi-forget about this, until your friend wishes to talk about it. The reason for this is that in my experience, many abused ones feel like damaged goods. If all you think about this when you meet them is 'sexual abuse' they will feel sorry they told you, as to them, you look at them with sympathy, or pity. This is the last thing they need. This person should be handled with care, but not treated like a damaged person- it makes them feel worse.
Be there for them, you do not have to do anything! all you have to do is listen to them. Never bring it up, unless they bring the subject up. If you bring the subject up, they will probably move away from you.
Listen and care for your brother. Say prayers for them. Be silent!

LegacyUser

eddison wrote: »

Hello,

I have also know friends who have been abused. Personally I would not force them into professional advice, as that is a little ignorant.
This is difficult to explain, but I would try to semi-forget about this, until your friend wishes to talk about it. The reason for this is that in my experience, many abused ones feel like damaged goods. If all you think about this when you meet them is 'sexual abuse' they will feel sorry they told you, as to them, you look at them with sympathy, or pity. This is the last thing they need. This person should be handled with care, but not treated like a damaged person- it makes them feel worse.
Be there for them, you do not have to do anything! all you have to do is listen to them. Never bring it up, unless they bring the subject up. If you bring the subject up, they will probably move away from you.
Listen and care for your brother. Say prayers for them. Be silent!

That is actually really good advice, I think it may work, knowing mr X. Thankyou very much. For the past few days I have semi forgot about it and we're talking normally now. The ball's in his court. My only cocern now is that, as young lads, we like a bit of bantar, and the ocassional innuendo, I'm afraid that from now on I'll be on thin ice, when the post drink bantar comes out.

LegacyUser

up for anything wrote: »

You can't be sure that Mr Y will react in the way that you envisage and it may well be that in order to sort out his head and his past, Mr X does not need the complication of a relationship.

I couldn't disagree more, as the previous poster said, he musn't be treated like a damaged person, he should be allowed move on with his life, and have adult relationships. I know Mr Y quite well, and I honestly believe that Mr X has hit the jackpot, he's one of the nicest, most selfless people I've ever met.

eddison

Glad to be of assistance.

Yes it is fresh in your mind, and natural for you to be conscious of this for a while. But just give it time, as you will be back to normal- banter and all!

But you are privileged for this person to confide in you, consider it that way. You have a rare opportunity to give to someone who truly deserves assistance. You will also learn a great deal from this whole thing- This kind of understanding, you will seldom find in everyday life.
Don't judge, just listen kindly to the hurt one, and you will be blessed as one of his own.

Mark27

He should go and talk to someone. The poor chap might not even be gay he might just think he is because he was abused when he was younger. You should talk him into trying it out with a woman, he might end up loving it. Better off..

Ickle Magoo

Their sexuality is not up for discussion - Mark27 warned for off-topic and unhelpful posting.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter.

Many thanks.
Ickle

up for anything

In_Need_of_Advice wrote: »

I couldn't disagree more, as the previous poster said, he musn't be treated like a damaged person, he should be allowed move on with his life, and have adult relationships. I know Mr Y quite well, and I honestly believe that Mr X has hit the jackpot, he's one of the nicest, most selfless people I've ever met.

I agree with eddison too and I stand by my previous post which contradicts nothing in his.

I realise that you care about both of these people deeply and yes, Mr X should be allowed to move on with his life and have adult relationships. All I am saying is that you should stay out of his love life and neither encourage or discourage. Just because you think Mr X has hit the jackpot (not a nice sentiment) or that Mr Y is the nicest, most selfless person and that they are/would be great together does not mean that they will be or won't be but IMO you shouldn't try to steer them.

eddison

I honestly believe that Mr X has hit the jackpot, he's one of the nicest, most selfless people I've ever met.

Hit the jackpot? Sexual abuse is a very serious matter, its not about hitting the jackpot. Sometimes we make mistakes in helping those around us who are hurt, be careful. Sometimes, when you help a victim of sexual abuse, you hit a nerve- you did nothing wrong, but you get the rath of this person full on. They will strike you because they are hurt, and when they hear the truth, it is painful. They may then hurt you back. This does not make much sense, as you were trying to help, but emotions are not very logical. Especially if you are the same sex as the abuser. Tread carefully.