Immature friend?

LegacyUser

Im really sorry for the big novel.........firstly a bit of background - I've been good friends with this girl for the past 5 years, she's 26 and i'm 31. She lives at home with her parents all her life, has never had a boyfriend, is currently unemployment, has no bills etc where as i am married with a mortgage, going through fertility treatment and have plenty of bills.

I always invite her over to my house and always tell her she is welcome over anytime but she will only come over if there is drink involved. i.e she will not come over during the week for a coffee and chat, she will only come over on a friday or saturday nite as she knows i dont have work the next morning and we can get 'locked' and she can stay over. If i ask her to meet for lunch or anything like that i'm laughed at.

she is always asking me to go on the piss into town , go dancing etc and if i say i cant afford it, she freaks out and gets all thick saying i never go out with her etc i do try and explain i have a big mortgage, credit union, car loan, bills, and many other bills that go along with owning a house , also myself and my husband are going through fertility treatment at the moment, which is costing us a lot of money. She isnt into having kids, she hates children, she cannnot understand how important this is for me to get pregnant.

she knew how much me and my husband were saving for this treatment, when we started it 4 months ago, she asked me to go to the pub one friday nite, we had arranged this a few weeks in advance, but when i told her look i cannot make it as the fertilty bill was alot more expensive than we thought, she went ballistic in a text saying 'OMG I cannot believe you are letting me down yet again, ive been so looking forward to this nite for so long'
i replied saying 'oh god im sorry (sarcastic)i didnt know that the bill was going to be that expensive and i cant be drinking anyway when going through this'. i told her she was not very understanding and been very selfish and unreasonable
she wrote back telling me that i was the one been selfish letting her down yet again. i told her she has no idea what im going through. i do say whats wrong with coming to my house, you can have a couple of drinks in the house, and she goes mad.

she started this crap again, sulking cos i couldnt afford to go out because i had to pay my house insurance that month, husbands NCT was due and both our car taxs were due in the same month. Like ooops sorry that i have all these bills. (sarcastic)

then the final straw came this month when it was her birthday a week after xmas, she start planning a big nite out and i told her look ill try my best to make it, but cant promise anything, she start going 'its my birthday you have to come out', i said city centre was too far for me 40 taxi in, 40 taxi home before i even pay in anywhere .
i cant afford money like that,but i did go out of my way to scrape up the money to buy her a decent present and card. ah of course there was murder again, i told her 'i dont know why you make such a big deal its not as if its your 21st or 30th'.

i text her 2 days before her b'day asking if she was going to call over and we could get a few drinks in and that i had her pressie and hate giving presents late, i got a reply saying 'ah it doesnt matter bout the card and present , as you said its not as if its my 21st or 30th'. I couldnt believe it, so i just replied 'i suppose your right, ill keep the present for myself and bin the card, its a pity i wasted money that i didnt have'.

she wrote back apologising saying she didnt meant it to sound smart. im just getting sick of her tantrums at this stage, i could be here all day writing different incidents. so i finally told her that i am sick of her ****e and that maybe she is too young (mentally) to be hanging round with me, that shes too immature and doesnt understand the real world, as shes never had to worry about bills, never lived out on her own etc
she thinks because its pay day for me that im automatically loaded, i do say hang on ive to put xx off mortgage, xx off this xx off that and what im left with has to do me for petrol , food etc for the rest of the month. i have other friends her age that act more mature than her, they are very understanding and always asking how i am etc whereas she does say 'well are ya up the duff yet' in a sniggering tone, which i find disrespectful, as its a sensitive situation as anybody going through fertility treatment would know.

i now realise why all her other friends have falling out with her. All my other friends that have met her said she is nice, but she seems to have a chip on her shoulder. Can I have opinions please from strangers??

cats.life

op, is she really your ''friend''? pest would be her. but you my dear need to wind back from her . but then again she only has you as a sort of friend. how did ye meet? you and hubbie have alot to cope with ,you dont need this wan winging if she cant get her own way. what does hubbie think of this,? dont make no more plans with her she will soon get fed up around you i hope. you have to be stressed , and stress may be the problem (please dont take this the wrong way) that you and hubbie are not mum and dad yet, but ye will be mum and dad hopfully soon . get rid of the pest and you will be a different person for it. yes i do know whats it like to go through fertility treatment cos my sister in-law went for it. as you said its no wonder she has no friends to go out and get bladderd with, is she using you cos she has no one else i wonder.isnt she paying rent to mum and dad to keep her as she is 26. i was in america at that age , then i went to london. op i wish you both the best ok but get rid of pest.

thefeatheredcat

OP,

This girl sounds as toxic as toxic can be and is more concerned about herself than anyone else, sounds very self absorbed, selfish, insensitive and disrespectful. She needs to cop on tho it sounds like she has issues.

I would say leave sour negative people to their sour negative lives... she clearly cares little for you and is probably looking for attention and drama and is doing so negatively.

You're right to give marching orders here, I certainly wouldn't entertain someone that sounds spiteful and is only out to bring your self esteem and confidence down and cause you hassle.
Even in texting with replies it seems you've had to come down to her level, which is sad. Don't bring yourself down to her level.

I think tbh you're better off without her. Don't waste any more of your energy on her or your kindness, she certainly doesn't deserve either imo.

Cheap Thrills!

OP, this is ridiculous. She has the mind of a child. You seem a very nice and reasonable person but I think this friendship has definitely run its course.

I would just phase her out. She seems like a rather large pain in the butt !

omega666

in fairness if i kept asking a friend out and they kept bailing on plans telling
me they are broke i would think they couldnt be bothered making an effort and ditch them.

i think the money is just an excuse. there's a million and one ways to have a cheap night if you really wanted to.
share a taxi, get your husband to drive you in, drive in yourself or get a bus
Go to a free last night bar instead of a night club.
Dont drink too much or dont drink at all.

You seems happy sitting at home drinking while she obviously being single
want to go out and meet lads and have fun. Ye have different priorites and she should realise this and find some single friends.

LegacyUser

I actually think you are being a bit unfair on your friend and a bit too much caught up in yourself.

You said you had arranged a Friday night out weeks in advance and then bailed at the last minute. Of course she's put out, she was probably looking forward to it, and by her reaction, it sounds as if this wasn't the first time you did that.

On the birthday incident. I would be extremely put out if one of my close friends wasn't bothered going out for my birthday. Could you not have driven in and had some minerals if money was a bit tight? To me, the company of my friends is the most important thing for my birthday - the present doesn't matter and to be frank, I wouldn't want one from someone who didn't want to spend the evening with me. Friends are important to me, and in my circle, while we don't tend to give presents, we always make a special effort to be there for birthdays (if a night out is arranged).

On your other points, about her only wanting to go drinking and not meet for coffee, well maybe the two of you aren't into the same things anymore and you are in the process of drifting apart but in relation to the two points I mentioned above, cut her some slack. She's probably feeling hurt and left out as you obviously don't have time for her anymore.

gerryk

I'm gonna take the contrary POV too. OP, I understand your position... having a mortgage, loans etc, because I have them myself, but I also appreciate the need to make an effort with your social life. It seems that you create barriers to going out without any thoughts to how these barriers mighy be surmounted or circumvented.

I also understand that your friend is in a different place to you at the moment... she seems relatively footloose & fancy-free, whereas you are obviously very focused on your responsbilities. Take it from someone with responsibilities... you need to occasionally deprioritise these and just have a good time or they become all you are about, and that's a sad place to be.

Are you entirely sure that you want to spend time with this girl? Does she remind you of what you don't have any longer, and make you envious that it has all been replaced by bills and responsibility? It doesn't have to be like that... there is a balance, and, in my opinion, it's a balance worth seeking.

ManOfMystery

I don't fully agree with the previous 2 posters OP. They make some good points, but points I would only consider valid if this girl truly considered you her friend.

A friend is meant to be there for you through thick and thin. A friend is meant to enjoy spending time with you.

It's evident from your posts that this girl does not consider you a friend. If she did, she would meet you for lunch, she would come over anytime for drinks - regardless of whether you're going on somewhere else or not - and she wouldn't lose the temper because you have many, many more financial outgoings than her and can't make it to every event she invites you to. It's not as if you turn her down flat all the time: "I can't afford it, I'm not going". By your own admission you do make an effort to make up for these things by asking her for lunch or asking her over anytime, but she's not interested in spending time together without alcohol being there.

You're a drinking buddy for her, that's it. You're there to make up numbers for her social life. Take that out of the equation, and when does she ever see you? What does she actually do for you as a friend?

The girl sounds totally immature and selfish, and I'd imagine it's the living at home & being spoilt that's caused it. She's out for a good time, and has little time for your fertility treatment or anything else important going on in your life because it doesn't fall within her realm of interests. And with regards to the birthday thing, she's also totally ungrateful and ungracious. I'd drop her as fast as I could.

mood

ManOfMystery wrote: »

You're a drinking buddy for her, that's it.

I agree. A proper friend call to your house for coffee etc. She just wants someone to get pissed with, maybe so she can meet a guy etc. But you have to think of yourself and your future. Drinking is very likely to hinder your chances of IVF working. You should be trying to have the healthiest lifestyle possible right not and that doesn't include drinking or worrying.

This girl is not a real friend. She sound like a spoilt brat.

LittleBook

You might as well drop her now anyway ... as soon as you have a baby she'll drop you like a hot potato.

Good luck with the fertility treatment.

omega666

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I don't fully agree with the previous 2 posters OP. They make some good points, but points I would only consider valid if this girl truly considered you her friend.

A friend is meant to be there for you through thick and thin. A friend is meant to enjoy spending time with you.

It's evident from your posts that this girl does not consider you a friend. If she did, she would meet you for lunch, she would come over anytime for drinks - regardless of whether you're going on somewhere else or not - and she wouldn't lose the temper because you have many, many more financial outgoings than her and can't make it to every event she invites you to. It's not as if you turn her down flat all the time: "I can't afford it, I'm not going". By your own admission you do make an effort to make up for these things by asking her for lunch or asking her over anytime, but she's not interested in spending time together without alcohol being there.

You're a drinking buddy for her, that's it. You're there to make up numbers for her social life. Take that out of the equation, and when does she ever see you? What does she actually do for you as a friend?

The girl sounds totally immature and selfish, and I'd imagine it's the living at home & being spoilt that's caused it. She's out for a good time, and has little time for your fertility treatment or anything else important going on in your life because it doesn't fall within her realm of interests. And with regards to the birthday thing, she's also totally ungrateful and ungracious. I'd drop her as fast as I could.

I do agree she sounds a bit selfish/immature and maybe not the best friend. We’re only getting one side of the story here though.

From the OP’s post all I can see is examples of her making plans to go out and then bailing on them. I don’t see anywhere in the post where she has said she has actually ever followed through and gone out with the girl.

Agree the birthday thing was a rude, But instead of buying a birthday present why didn’t she use the money to go out with her friend. Instead she got the usual I can make it, sure come over to my place for a few drinks instead.
I would imagine that is why she is pissed off.
But in fairness she did apologise.

What I’m saying is it seem a bit one sided. The friend is making all the effort to go to the OPs house all the time yet the OP can’t be bother making an effort to go out and meet her.

it sounds like they are both using each other in a way.

LegacyUser

The o/p will have to relaiis that sitting at home is not the same as going out as far as single people are concerned. You might be having a chat and drinking which is thwe same as you might do in a pub, but there is no chance of a single person eyeing a good prospect or being joined by a randommer who might provide an interesting twist to the night. Both people in this alleged friendship have different aspirations and ambitions. Niether appears to understand the other.

LegacyUser

Hi Guys, i have read all your replies, thanks for taking the time, alot of what you's said is true. we both are chalk and cheese, we have nothing in common, we have completely different lives and i think it's time we went our seperate ways. all her other friends , mutual friends of mine, have falling out with her over the way she goes on,she told me im all she has left, she always gives sob stories for sympathy and i do feel sorry for her, thats probably why ive been staying in touch with her.
But yes, i think its time to knock her on the head and concentrate on my priorities and real friends.

LegacyUser

justathought wrote: »

You said you had arranged a Friday night out weeks in advance and then bailed at the last minute.

''i cannot make it as the fertilty bill was alot more expensive than we thought'' there was a reason...not as if i just 'bailed' out with no genuine reason

ilovefridays

you say you are friends years, well like most friendships, people change and take different directions in life, you are both going down different roads in life, so yes this friendship has run it's course.

she is young ,free and single whereas you have priorites now she has to realise this and find other single friends.

if i kept asking my friend to go out on the piss all the time and she was constantly broke, id give up on asking her and take the hint.

this girl isnt taking the hint at all, time to cut ties with her.

You are making the effort asking her to meet for lunch etc so time to pull the plug, let her pest someone else .

starlit

Your 'friend' needs to grow up a bit. She needs to see you and herself as an adult not a as children/teenagers. It could be that her maturity development could just be a bit slower for her age. Some people can by like that, party all the time, no interest in school, like to act like bums/lazy basically doesn't want responsibility.

There is such a thing as give in take in a friendship and its very much onesided for ye. You need to speak to your friend how you feel. Maybe come to their senses and grow up. Either stay friends or drop them and be with more mature friends of your age and stage in life. Might be best all round.

ilovefridays

omega666 wrote: »

What I’m saying is it seem a bit one sided. The friend is making all the effort to go to the OPs house all the time yet the OP can’t be bother making an effort to go out and meet her.

it sounds like they are both using each other in a way.

i dont agree with this part. the OP is making the effort asking the girl to meet for lunch, call over for coffee etc but the girl is only interested in alcohol related meetings

your right though it does sound like they are both using each other in a way

ziedth

Have to say that I could see a little bit why the friend would be annoyed at the OP not turning in for her birthday. Things like that are really important to some people and I can understand that she was a bit miffed.

Having said that, your friend simply has no concept of life and what is important when you reach "our" age. My advice when you see her next explain that you simply can't afford it anymore but you'd love to try to meet up for lunch and a nights at your place.

If she doesn't get it after that I'm afraid you'll have to take a step or two back.


Good luck.

silkenfla

ilovefridays wrote: »

you say you are friends years, well like most friendships, people change and take different directions in life, you are both going down different roads in life, so yes this friendship has run it's course.

she is young ,free and single whereas you have priorites now she has to realise this and find other single friends.

if i kept asking my friend to go out on the piss all the time and she was constantly broke, id give up on asking her and take the hint.

this girl isnt taking the hint at all, time to cut ties with her.

You are making the effort asking her to meet for lunch etc so time to pull the plug, let her pest someone else .

+ 1.

Irrespective of where you are both in your lives (whether single or married) if your friend is a good friend, they can empathise with you and your current circumstances (and visa versa) and be there for you. The relationship sounds toxic and it's ok to back off and know like other relationships, friendships can and do come to an end. It's part of life, people grow apart and you don't need the extra stress of trying to keep a friendship going when it is probably not worth it (just speaking from my own experience ). Good luck with your treatment