Haven't had sex in 2 years!

LegacyUser

I'm a 33 year old male who hasn't had sex in 2 years and I feel really down about it.

I've been in 2 long term relationships (both lasting 3 years) and I had a few shorter relationships in my early twenties and I've had around 16 sexual partners in total up until now.

The last two years have been very frustrating though. My ex broke up with me over 2 years ago and I only slept with one girl since that was in November 2008. I've been on around 5 dates since then but they never seem to go anywhere. I've even been in bed with one or two girls but it never got passed heavy petting (one was a female friend when we were drunk so maybe it was better off that we didn't have sex).

It might be worth noting that the majority or my sexual partners (including my 2 long term ex partners) have not been Irish, not that it should make a difference, but foreign women seem more sexually liberated in my experience.

Is this normal or am I just really unfortunate?

Johnny Favourite

Have you considered sleeping with prostitutes until things pick up??

deereidy

I don't think prostitution is a good idea. It sounds to me like you're just going through a bit of a dry spell, and it definitly is true that the more you're looking for it the less likely you are to get it. Maybe just go out with freinds more and try to meet more people. On a hunch you sound more a like a relationship person than someone that likes one night stands,but feel free to correct me. If you are I think the best idea is to make female freinds and see where it goes from there

LegacyUser

Johnny Favourite wrote: »

Have you considered sleeping with prostitutes until things pick up??

There is not a hope in hell I would sleep with a prostitute, I think it would make me feel even worse......actually I'm sure it would because I'm cringing at the actual thought of it.

deereidy wrote:

I don't think prostitution is a good idea. It sounds to me like you're just going through a bit of a dry spell, and it definitly is true that the more you're looking for it the less likely you are to get it. Maybe just go out with freinds more and try to meet more people. On a hunch you sound more a like a relationship person than someone that likes one night stands,but feel free to correct me. If you are I think the best idea is to make female freinds and see where it goes from there

Your hunch was spot on, I really do like being in relationships as I'm not the 'player' type but I'd never say no to a one night stand, infact I'd give my right arm for one at this stage! I've actually gotten the feeling lately that I have to overly impress women because they never seem interested other wise. I suppose I'm at the awkward age were all of my mates are in long term relationships and are starting to settle down etc so my desperation and sexual frustration are starting to have a negative impact on me.

I really don't know what to do anymore, I'm usually a positive person but I have been desperately unlucky over the last while but this is starting to really upset me as now I hit a couple of milestones without sex and I feel very, very inadequate. I've even lied to my friends and told them that I've had sex a few times and that makes me feel one hundred times worse. The woes of being a single, Irish male I guess

beks101

Have you considered or indeed tried online dating OP? It's a pretty common way for people to meet their partners nowadays and seeing as you're a relationship person it might be a way to finding a like-minded person.

And I know it's hard to try and not let a bit of a drought impact on your confidence, but that's all it is and we all go through them - it just means it will be all the more enjoyable when you get back in the saddle!

Raekwon

I'm not going to lie, two years is a very long time to go without sex at your age especially since you probably had quite regular sex throughout your twenties after being in a few relationships etc.

It's a tough one, but if I was in your shoes I'd look into moving abroad. That might sound drastic and of course depending on your circumstances might not be possible but if this is effecting your life as much as you claim, then it could be a viable option.

You've even said yourself that you are better with foreign girls then Irish ones, and I can really relate to that, but since the vast majority of foreign girls have left Ireland due to the recession then following the flow might not be a bad idea. Afterall Ireland is only a dot in the ocean and women here can be quite clannish and hard to approach so why don't take the plunge and move abroad, I guarantee you will find it much easier to score abroad!

Good luck anyway!

weatherguy

I was in the same boat for five years. Never had sex with a girl. Went through terrible depression and what was really frightening was the fact my friends didn't care.
Of course during that time I would look after myself sex wise but it is never the same as doing it with a girl. Being alone affected my self confidence, my relationships with other people and I began to get more assertive, not aggressive with mates.
They were in relationships and would only call me with they were free, usually once every six or eight weeks.
During that time I would go to the local pub alone and I made acquaintances there; pubs in town too. I
I never used prostitutes.
However, it affected every part of my life. Because I was like you I wasn't a player, I genuinely wanted to meet a nice girl and go steady with her.
I gave up on the idea of ever meeting that girl. I dropped my mates cos there wasn't any point in meeting up with guys who were just using me to have a drink with every two months.
Then out of the blue I was walking in my local park one day and met this girl who was also out walking. We stopped and chatted. A couple of weeks later we met again. We chatted. I established she was single by simply saying "well, I'm single and don't have children", to which she replied:"me too".
I invited her for coffee and we are together a few years now.
It was pure chance we met that day.
And that what meeting your partner is all about...luck.
When you're in your twenties it is easier to meet girls, but as you move into 30s and 40s it is far more difficult.
I would suggest you write down what you like doing for past times, hobbies etc. Get out and about. Go to the pub. Chat to whoever is sitting next to you.
Go for walks, cycles, visit galleries go to sporting events. That way you might just meet that special girl.
Going abroad just to meet a girl is a risky business. Do you own your own property? What about your job?
Internet dating is hit and miss.
But stay positive. That's the main thing.

Aseth

weatherguy wrote: »

Get out and about. Go to the pub. Chat to whoever is sitting next to you.

I would also add that even if you are in a pub, talking to a bloke, he might have a pretty sister or a cousin who he might introduce you to. So do not give up on making new friends because they are male.
Also after two years when you are trying to chat up a girl you might be too obvious with your desperation and all, so relax, don't try to get into a relationship with a next girl you meet. Give her a little time to get to know you better.

Ickle Magoo

Johnny Favourite infracted.

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Ickle

Wagon

Sexually Frustrated wrote: »

Your hunch was spot on, I really do like being in relationships as I'm not the 'player' type but I'd never say no to a one night stand, infact I'd give my right arm for one at this stage! I've actually gotten the feeling lately that I have to overly impress women because they never seem interested other wise. I suppose I'm at the awkward age were all of my mates are in long term relationships and are starting to settle down etc so my desperation and sexual frustration are starting to have a negative impact on me.

I really don't know what to do anymore, I'm usually a positive person but I have been desperately unlucky over the last while but this is starting to really upset me as now I hit a couple of milestones without sex and I feel very, very inadequate. I've even lied to my friends and told them that I've had sex a few times and that makes me feel one hundred times worse. The woes of being a single, Irish male I guess

Seems pretty severe alright. If you're looking at all your mates in relationships and getting you down, it'll reflect on you (but who wouldn't feel inadequate?) You want the same but women seem to think this is desperation and sends them running. What you need to do is be completely confident at all times and show off your good sides and never be shy or feel down. Ever. Then women will start to flock towards you...I know, fúcking stupid isn't it?

Are you sure this is the only thing getting you down? What's work and other aspects of your life like?

LegacyUser

Hey thank you all for your posts and words of encouragement

I totally agree with you weatherguy, meeting people is mostly about luck and reflecting on my past relationships I met my ex's in random circumstances where I was at the right place at the right time and it progressed from there. Your suggestion of talking to random people I have tried a good few times but it always ends with the person being uncomfortable and making an excuses to leave or awkward silences that ironically give me an excuse to leave.

I've never used internet dating sites as I think they are rather shallow and superficial for the most part with people only going by looks plus the ratio of women to men would most likely be something like 100 to 1 in most cases. Plus I am not a fan of 'txt' speak

As for the going to a foreign country to find love, I have to admit I have been toying with this idea for a while now. As you say it does seem drastic but my ex girlfriends were both foreign and I do seem to do well with foreign girls (I know, I know......it's the accent :P). I just think that it is a huge step and I would be heaping to much pressure on myself, but if this horrible drought continues I might just have to bite the bullet and take the plunge I guess.

Lastly to answer Wagon's question, yeah this is the only thing in my life that is getting me down. I have a decent but monotone sort of job that keeps me ticking over but most people in the office are married and I've even had a few blokes question my sexuality over the last while (que me telling more lies about made up sexual conquests to shut them up).

I'm lucky to have great loving family but I've noticed my mother constantly talking about her friends sons who are around my age that are getting married or are having children and it's making feel like a total failure

I have a few friends, all bar one that are in a relationship (the one who is single is unemployed so never has money to go out). The problem with my friends is that they never seem to have time to do anything then suddenly expect me to jump to their tune at the drop of a hat. I also cannot stand one of their girlfriends who is constantly asking me why I am single then promising to set me up with one of her mates but never delivering.

The bottom line is that I am a decent looking guy that stays in shape and has a positive outlook on life for the most part but I am finding it increasing difficult to find a single women for sex let alone a relationship!

LegacyUser

Nobody wants to get an email on a dating site in txt speak!

dating is one thing, thing to do on those sites, have a good photo of your face shown clearly and be as honest as you can. There are a lot of chancers on those sites and women liek honesty.

There are also site which cater for people looking for straightforward sex hookups, again be honest and you will get what you want. adultfriendfinder is the best known one, and if you are just really wanting sex then best to be honest about it rather than pretending that you are up for dating.

Birdsong

I am a girl, mid 30's same situation, and have given on-line dating a shot, and would say don't knock it. Go for one of the pay sites, you will have a better chance of meeting some one is at least interested in meeting up on it. They have events also, so it doesn't have to be one-one if you don't want. I have been on a few dates, and most of them recently haven't had a photo, no spark when we met, but still had an ok time. And its not all txt speak, greatest turn off for me tbh. You only find that on POF I think, tend to be younger people anyway.

Give it a go, will at least get you out for a date, and if you don't click, it doesn't matter. I know 3 married couples who met on-line, people do meet. A night out is a night out !

tenchi-fan

Is your problem that you haven't had sex because you want a relationship too, or just because you're so unlucky you can't get a girl to go to bed with you?

If it's the former, there may be some issues that mean you're not ready for a relationship.

if it's the latter, just go to a nightclub with cheap drink and willing girls and grab the first one who shows interest.

deereidy

Chances are he's probably ready for a relationship if he's had two long term girlfriends before! I would agree with some of the other posters, online dating could just be good to boost your confidence a little, even if you never actually meet up with them, it's always nice to get a compliment and flirt a bit, maybe if you did that you'd be less on edge when you meet a woman you like and get friendly with her

LegacyUser

@ tenchi-fan - My problem is that I haven't had sex full stop. I would really like to be in a relationship but I'd also love to be able to have some sex while I'm 'between relationships' as it were. I am also totally ready as I am 100% over my ex (I probably won't have been able to say that last year) and raring to move on, I'm just finding it impossible to hook up with girls.

On the dating website idea, I get the impression that it's mainly female posters that are suggesting that. I say that because I have browsed through a few before and it seems like scores of men and only a handful of women so as a man I'd probably have to overly impress to get any sort of attention or even a response. I'd be willing to try it but I would go in with very low expectations as I feel that it's more of a younger persons scene anyway (no offence to anyone that is on them btw).

Wagon

Sexually Frustrated wrote: »

On the dating website idea, I get the impression that it's mainly female posters that are suggesting that. I say that because I have browsed through a few before and it seems like scores of men and only a handful of women so as a man I'd probably have to overly impress to get any sort of attention or even a response. I'd be willing to try it but I would go in with very low expectations as I feel that it's more of a younger persons scene anyway (no offence to anyone that is on them btw).

I'd reckon it's the opposite mate. When people are younger, there tends to be more single people in the same age bracket. So it's easier for them to meet when they go out and stuff. When you're in your 30's, things are a little different. It's harder to meet someone when you're out in a pub so i reckon that a dating site could be an answer to the problem. The general age seems to be late 20's onwards. Someone suggested opting for a paysite one. This is better because it's better quality and people would be serious about meeting someone.

The sites for random shags are different though. They're a complete sausagefest.

LegacyUser

I have to admit I'm not overly keen on the dating site idea, I would be willing to give it a go but I just don't feel enthusiastic about sticking up a photo then sending messages to random people. I think I'll just try to make more of an effort when I'm out and about and maybe plan a holiday or something like that as I think the Irish dating scene fairly medieval so maybe a change or scenery might be what I need?

Birdsong

:P

Wagon wrote: »

I'd reckon it's the opposite mate. When people are younger, there tends to be more single people in the same age bracket. So it's easier for them to meet when they go out and stuff. When you're in your 30's, things are a little different. It's harder to meet someone when you're out in a pub so i reckon that a dating site could be an answer to the problem. The general age seems to be late 20's onwards. Someone suggested opting for a paysite one. This is better because it's better quality and people would be serious about meeting someone.

The sites for random shags are different though. They're a complete sausagefest.

This is very true, the pay site generally have people from 30 onwards. I am mid 30's and there seems to be majority my age on it. From people I have met, common reason is that friends settled down, not going out as often .

Friend said to me "nobody is going to come knocking at your door, you got to do something about it yourself" and she was right.

The_Morrigan

OP, I went without sex for about 4 years in my mid to late 20's and then met a guy online and dated him for over a year - we split this year.
It is hard to meet people who want to have a relationship and its not always about getting out there - I have a good social circle, I have a job & college and I do get out every now and again, finances permitting, but I can't find guys who are interested in more than a one night stand.
I met a guy a few weeks ago and he was all about the chatting me up and being nice and when I wouldn't put out after the first date he was like yeah I just really wanna screw you nothing more, thats why I fed you all that relationship/dating crap!! :eek:

It is frustrating, and there are days I just tell myself that I should just forget about it and get used to being on my todd - then there are others where I find myself smiling across a room/lecture hall/cafe/bar at a nice guy and I feel that there is some hope...

I can't really offer you any other advice than to take the bad days with a pinch of salt and take any flirting opportunity you get, it might lead to something more

magneticimpulse

Birdsong wrote: »

:P

This is very true, the pay site generally have people from 30 onwards. I am mid 30's and there seems to be majority my age on it. From people I have met, common reason is that friends settled down, not going out as often .

Friend said to me "nobody is going to come knocking at your door, you got to do something about it yourself" and she was right.

Ive had alot of experience on dating websites and i have to say i am totally against dating websites now. From my experience you meet a guy (im female) and he has about 5 dates lined up. Sometimes i dont care and just like the chat in the pub. But its very frustrating when you get on great with someone and then they chose someone else. I can tell you OP it is the worse downer experience ever. Its like going for a job interview and not very fun. I found people start to get quite cocky on it, because they have so many dates lined up and its very difficult to meet genuine people (and this has been on the paid websites...i didnt even bother with the free websites).

I would stick to meeting people in a more natural way, like in clubs and groups, music groups, language exchange clubs etc. That way, if someone is interested, they are less likely to have 10 other men dating at the same time and you can actually get a relationship.

I agree with what the Morrigan says. The last guy I met, wanted to meet me to sleep with him on 2nd date. He was very pushy and im busy with college and couldnt meet up. So I said, no problem, by mid december ill be finished with course work...but he just wouldnt wait and got with some other girl. It was so frustrating, as he seemed like a nice guy, but way too pushy to jump into bed. Sure ive not had sex for 2 years, but i figure if you really like someone, you will at least give the relationship a chance to develop.

So I know you might be frustrated to have sex, but if you do meet someone OP dont rush the having sex bit, it can be very off putting. Just let the relationship flow and develop and there should be no problems. If you start to come off as desperate for sex and bully someone into sex, very few women are going to be turned on by that.

LegacyUser

The_Morrigan wrote: »

It is hard to meet people who want to have a relationship and its not always about getting out there - I have a good social circle, I have a job & college and I do get out every now and again, finances permitting, but I can't find guys who are interested in more than a one night stand.

That last sentence in the paragraph stuck me, how do you know that the guy is only interested in sex and is not after something more? I get the impression when I try and talk to girls that they are quite defensive and usually jump to the conclusion that I just want to use them for sex straight off the bat. I would be lying if I didn't say that I wouldn't want to have sex with a girl that I liked enough to approach, but I wouldn't expect it right then and there in a grubby pub toilet, I'd actually prefer to build a slight rapport with them and see what they are like as a person. I actually think that you would be surprised at the amount of 30 something year old men that would be in the same mind frame as me but then again I'm sure that there are also plenty that are in limbo and extremely frustrated like me.

magneticimpulse wrote:

So I know you might be frustrated to have sex, but if you do meet someone OP dont rush the having sex bit, it can be very off putting. Just let the relationship flow and develop and there should be no problems. If you start to come off as desperate for sex and bully someone into sex, very few women are going to be turned on by that.

Well I have slept in the same bed as women over my 2 year barren spell and as much as I wanted to have sex with them I didn't put even the slightest bit of pressure on them but I actually think that might be my problem. At this stage I'm actually at that pathetic stage where I forget what it's like to be a relationship and the feeling of having sex. It's all becoming a distant memory for me now. Reading back over that is actually quite scary, I think my 63 year old father has a better sex life then me, how depressing is that?

Your experience with dating sites is interesting though. I was under the impression that most women on them would have a long list of potential suitors that they can pick and choose from while the thousands of men were left to fight over the scraps. I'm still very hesitant at joining one though, I think the last thing I need now is more rejection.

Motley Crue

Would you consider a one night stand or NSA encounter, online forums and properly run adult sites (and yes, they do exist) would be the perfect place to perhaps meet someone - pick someone up - and have a mutual "exchange" that you would both find beneficial. But remember to bring a condom.

The_Morrigan

Sexually Frustrated wrote: »

That last sentence in the paragraph stuck me, how do you know that the guy is only interested in sex and is not after something more? I get the impression when I try and talk to girls that they are quite defensive and usually jump to the conclusion that I just want to use them for sex straight off the bat. I would be lying if I didn't say that I wouldn't want to have sex with a girl that I liked enough to approach, but I wouldn't expect it right then and there in a grubby pub toilet, I'd actually prefer to build a slight rapport with them and see what they are like as a person. I actually think that you would be surprised at the amount of 30 something year old men that would be in the same mind frame as me but then again I'm sure that there are also plenty that are in limbo and extremely frustrated like me.

<SNIP>

Oh some guys* are quite blunt about letting you know you're a piece of meat with tits if you don't put out for them when they want...once they realise they can't charm you into bed they get annoyed/angry that you haven't fallen for their charms and you don't want no strings fun, you want something more.

I am 30 now, I've had my fun and frolicks I do not want to be going out every weekend and picking up random strangers to get my kicks - I want to settle down and start a family. Scary thought for most guys I guess, but the biological clock has started ticking, so its a conscious decision I'm making. It's also a conscious decision to not have myself in a situation whereby I may end up pregnant and the guy has no interest in sticking around.

*Before the arguments start - please note I said some guys, not all guys....I am not saying all men are like this

LegacyUser

Op I know how you feel and was there this time last year (only for my current GF I would still be there).

What you can do is the following 3 things which will help you:

1. Get active and start working out. This will not only improve your appeal but also he with the frustration and over all mood.

2.Get out of the house. Go to evening classes, meet friends and go to bars, have fun. The more social activities the better, not only do meet people but you also get more of a chance to get out to clubs and pubs where you can hook up with people.

3. Have fun and think positive. If you go out looking to scoreit will not work (not all the time anyway), nor does feeling bad about yourself and putting yourself down. If you go out to have fun and just enjoy the night out, you will find pretty quickly, you might have some admirers.

These 3 things are the usual keys in helping people to meet new people, I have TLDR'd these some what, but allot of advice is along these lines.

Seriously OP, it worked for me and the person that gave me this advice. Hope it works out

Phat Cat

If it's just sex you need for now to get over your barren spell then I'd head abroad if I were you. Btw I'm not talking prostitution here, I mean go to any club/pub/bar anywhere outside of Ireland and your chances will immediately double if not treble. I kid you not!

I travel alot around Europe as part of my job and in the evenings I usually grab a drink in a local pub or if it's really late I'd stay in the hotel bar to unwind. I have lost count of how many times I've been offered a drink by random girls, I even got proposition by an older lady for no strings sex in a hotel I was staying at. I'm married so would never do anything about it because I love my wife but when I come back to Ireland it's like arriving in a parallel universe or something. Even when I was single I found it very difficult to meet women outside of the alcohol fuelled social scene and no girl EVER offered to by me a drink or try to initiate converstation with me.

I have a few single male friends who go away on lads weekends to pretty much bed to local girls because they say that they are wasting their time going on the pull in Ireland.

Give it ago, I guarantee you will be back on here to thank me

LegacyUser

hmmm Phat Cat, I reckon there is a grain of truth in there somewhere, but I would have always thought there is nothing more sleazy looking than a guy on his own in a hotel bar, or any bar, trying to pull women...

I spent a lot of time on the continent, having lived there and being over for work, and never found myself in the situations you described. Though, that would be my luck most of the time..

But to say you can go to the continent and pull a woman, just like that, is a bit of an assumption. Maybe talking to them yes, but they're not all just going to put out like that.
I used to go up to visit mates a lot in Dublin, and ironically, I had the most luck in Dublin. Every time I went up, I pulled, and with Irish women. So it all depends.

I have been propositioned as much in Ireland as I have abroad. I found it no easier or harder to pull in Ireland than I did in Italy, or England, or GErmany. It's all down to being in the right place at the right time...

I'm in a similar situation to the OP, but it's 10 months as opposed to 2 years, and yes, it is frustrating as I feel the clock is ticking, and I'm not getting any younger.

However, my problem lies in the whole hassle of trying to go on the pull. I hate it. I hate having to go chat up women, I have to do all the work. It's bullsh*t, but that's the way it works, so I'm not going to get laid anytime soon the way I'm going.

I also find that older women don't seem to want no strings stuff, or casual stuff. I would have though it would be the case. My theory was there were probably lots of them who just came out of long relationships in their 20s, and were just up for casual stuff.

However, like I said, it's the whole trying to pull / chat up women I couldn't be bothered with. Not sure if the OP is a smooth talker or what, that could make it easier...

Plenty of women knocking around Limerick city anyways, if he's interested in trying fresh pastures....

Phat Cat

Haha, I wasn't trying to pull anyone, I'm married, I was just having a drink at the bar and some woman in her forties sat down next to me, she was very forward but I obviously politely declined. I was wearing a nice suit at the time because I was at a business conference earlier in the day so maybe she though I was dressed up and out on the pull?

Well maybe it's just me then, I have no idea, but I find foreign women much more open to small talk and making the first move then the bullshít mind games that Irish women usually throw at blokes. Anyway I only posted on this thread because the OP mentioned that he liked foreign girls so I was just making the suggestion that he has himself alittle weekend break away to see if he can snap out of his dry spell. It's definitely worth a shot IMO.

Btw that last line about Limerick made me laugh, even if it wasn't a joke

LegacyUser

I wasn't joking Phat Car, plenty of groups of women out in Limerick every weekend. Scoring with them is another question though lol.....

I often think women have a 6th sense....

Plenty of foreign women up in Dublin too, at least last time I checked....

Ickle Magoo

If you wish to have a discussion on foreign women around Ireland please register and take it to pm.

In the mean time, please keep replies on-topic and relevant to the OPs advice request.

Thanks.