His female friends treating me horribly!

LegacyUser

Going out with my boyfriend for 18 months. Plan to marry next year. Both mid to late 20s, very serious relationship and absolutely perfect in every way.

My boyfriend broke up with his ex 3 months before he and I started seeing each other. He had seen it as a casual thing and felt he never loved her, that there was no such thing as love. She wanted marriage and hinted at getting pregnant a.s.a.p. so he ended things hoping she would find someone who would love her. Initially things were on good terms but she couldn't seem to let go.

He and I had known each other for years as friends but I had been working abroad. I came back to Ireland shortly after he ended his relationship. His ex couldn't handle him moving on 'so fast' (although it was over 3 months) and came to the conclusion that we had been having an affair 'for years', that I had stolen him from her, slowly grooming him over the years behind her back.

Completely ludicrous given I wasn't on the same continent but my bf and I agreed she wasn't worth wasting time worrying about. She began to carry out many nasty deeds, reporting him to the Gardai for a range of offences, tipping off the tax man to check his account (he hadn't done anything wrong but still got audited), it was one thing after another and my bf chose to completely ignore her and not allow it to get to him. (He had explained to her that there was NOTHING going on behind her back and that he'd felt he'd done her a favour by allowing her to move on, not wasting her time when he didn't want to marry her or have kids). She herself started seeing someone else about 2 months after the relationship ended!

Somewhere along the way, she took on another strategy. She still spends all of her free time with my boyfriends group of friends and family. Everyone agrees it's odd and unhealthy but all chose to ignore it. She befriended every new girlfriend of my boyfriend's huge circle of male friends that came on the scene. And here is the problem: she filled every one of them with total lies about how our relationship began. They're all kind and over-friendly to my boyfriend but completely nasty to me. For absolutely no reason.

This weekend has really annoyed me.

My boyfriend's brother introduced us both to his new girlfriend. We all went away for a weekend away together. She hugged my boyfriend and was extremely friendly to him on the greeting but pretended not to see me at any point. She was forced into talking to me once over the weekend but never looked at me as she spoke, just told me that the bathroom was vacant if I wished to use it. I tried to talk to her a few times but she just spoke over me like I was a piece of sh-t.

She never did this openly in front of my bf for him to see what was going on. Any time he and his brother were present, she was extremely over-friendly and it wasn't clear that she was completely ignoring me. My boyfriend saw hints of it later in the weekend when I was speaking to them all and she was rolling her eyes in disgust.

For no good reason! She didn't even ask my name or anything. but she has spent several weekends hanging out with the group of friends which includes the tagalong ex and just like every other one of the women I've met in the group, I got treated horribly for no reason.

I'm feeling a bit more sensitive to it on this occasion because I had hoped that I would get along great with this new girlfriend, as we spend a lot of time with my boyfriend's family, especially his brother, so it will be very tough if we don't all get along well.

I know I should be a bit less sensitive and just forget about ever making friends with any women in my boyfriend's county as the ex is telling them some kind of vicious rubbish but it annoys me, she has no right to do this as I've never done anything wrong and neither has my bf.

Has anyone dealt with this kind of issue before?

I am even slightly stressed at the thought of our wedding, it's in his hometown and we will be inviting all of his male friends so their girlfriends are going to have to come along too but I hate the thought of paying for them to have a day out when they've treated me so badly. I don't want them in the Church or at my wedding at all. But I do want his male friends, all of whom have treated me wonderfully from the beginning and fobbed the ex off as a psycho. They've known her a lot longer than their girlfriends, but I have no right to tell them to explain the situation to their girlfriends, that would just be weird and too much time has passed now anyway, they've all been nasty from the get-go. I've seen the ex standing in the corner of pubs pointing at me and whispering to these women, I've overheard her nasty lies in a pub toilet before. So none of this is imagined.

My boyfriend thinks they're not worth wasting a moment on and I just shouldn't care about these nasty women, he doesn't care what they think of him, but I find it hard to switch off like that when I'm being ignored and treated badly. I try to be as kind and welcoming to everyone as I can and could never do this to a girl I don't know.

Any advice??

astra2000

Hi op what a pity that your plans for your wedding are beginning to be over shadowed by what sounds like a right nasty bunch of girls. I understand that you wouldnt choose to invite any of these girls to your wedding but I cant really see that you have a choice. They are your boyfriends friends partners and if you were not to invite them you could cause long term problems between your bf and his friends would not be fair imho.
Is it possible for your bf to speak to his brother and friends he could say that this was something he had noticed for a while and it was starting to bother him that it was continuing, he does not need to mention that you have noticed it. I think that you need to take some course of action its not fair for you to be treated like this, but I dont think that a full blown confrontation or exclusion from your wedding will do you any favours either.
Ask your bf to keep an eye out for any ****ty behaviour from these girls when ye are next in their company and ask him to intervene in a non confrontational manner maybe if its brought into the open they will think twice about behaving like such bi***es.

ztoical

OP been there and sadly there is no easy fix. I dated a guy back in college who worked in the same shop as me and I found out after I started dating him that he had a nut job ex who followed him everywhere and did alot of what you descrided above - calling the taxman, claiming to be pregnant etc etc She rang the shop every day trying to talk to him and the manager nearly fired him over it, she waited outside for him to arrive and leave, followed us to the pub after work...it was maddness. When I started dating him she tired to attack me in club toilet and at the time I'd no idea who she was, I was actually realy scared for a time. Then she would turn up ever time we were out with friends and start telling all the people there what a cow I was etc I ended it after a several months as it just wasn't that serious a relationship but for a few months after I still had your one turning up ever now and then to yell abuse. I heard several years later that she did finally move on but it took bloody forever. Some people [and stress people as it's not just a female thing] are just unhinged. There is no way to deal with them sadly as they won't listen to reason and giving them attention just feeds them.

I am surprised his friends and family are letting her tag along within their group, unless she's local and really good friends with some of them from before dating the BF I would have thought she'd have been phased out by now. As long as your BF is well aware of what she's doing and it isn't going to cause friction between the two of you I think he has the right approach of ignoring her.

Have you spoken to the BF brother or his other male friends as I find it odd they aren't putting people straight on your ones lies.

LegacyUser

OP here. I haven't discussed this with anyone other than my bf, and a lot of their mean behaviour occurs when the men aren't around, usually when everyone is out as a big group, the women sit together at one table and the men stand at the bar, so they are oblivious to a lot of it, or wouldn't pay much heed.

The fact that she tags along still has been discussed loads, she's not from the area and never met any of these people before getting with my bf, but now every day she drives a long way to hang out with his friends and spends time shopping with his mother etc also, his family like her but his male friends know what she's like. The women seem to believe every lie she tells them, many of them weren't around at the time of the breakup, so they haven't known her as long as my boyfriend's male friends.

I can ignore her odd behaviour, my bf and I are extremely close and openly discuss everything so this won't come between us, but I hate that she poisons the minds of every female we meet. I know if she tried telling this stuff to the guys they'd tell her where to go, they know me very well by now, but I never get a chance with the women, they hate me from the offset for no reason. None of them have ever asked me what I do or even what my name is, they have already been told by her so don't need to ask.

I hate that this is upsetting me but it feels like being a bullied child in school again. When we're out together I have to go stand with the group of lads at the bar as I get completely ignored and talked across if I go near the women. I don't want to have my dream wedding day ruined because I feel self conscious at all of these women present but like you say, I can't stop them from coming, I want all of my boyfriend's friends there.

I don't think any of my bf's friends would pay much heed if he went telling them this, it has kinda come up a little once before and their attitude was "pff, ignore them, women are psychos!", but this doesn't help the situation, just allows it to continue. None of his friends are very close to their girlfriends, they all only see them at weekends, quite casual relationships which is why so many women have come and gone over the past 18 months I've been with my bf.

I will be continuing to ignore I guess.

LittleBook

sadupsetgirl26 wrote: »

My boyfriend thinks they're not worth wasting a moment on and I just shouldn't care about these nasty women, he doesn't care what they think of him

Why should he? It's easy for him to say that as he's not on the receiving end of this ridiculous hate campaign!

Speak to him, explain how you feel about this and the impact it's having on you. Decide how you can rectify this situation together. I can't understand how your boyfriend or his brother have allowed these lies to be perpetuated.

And if you're up to it, next time this new girlfriend carries on like such a coconut, ask her (as politely as possible) what is her problem.

ztoical

sadupsetgirl26 wrote: »

The fact that she tags along still has been discussed loads, she's not from the area and never met any of these people before getting with my bf, but now every day she drives a long way to hang out with his friends and spends time shopping with his mother etc also, his family like her but his male friends know what she's like. The women seem to believe every lie she tells them, many of them weren't around at the time of the breakup, so they haven't known her as long as my boyfriend's male friends.

Honestly I find these women very odd, I know if I was dating someone and went out with their friends and some random young one tried telling me stuff about someone else in the group I didn't know/hadn't meet I wouldn't listen to a word of it. There's no point in getting all worked up about a wedding that hasn't happened yet. She won't be invited to the wedding and your own family and friends will be there as well. If any of his direct family like sisters, mum, anunts etc are giving you the cold shoulder then I would speak directly to them with your BF but GF's of friends who may or may not be still around in a few months time, not really worth getting stressed about.

Have you annouced your wedding plans yet? You say your planning to marry but is it something you've just talked about between you or something you've annouced to family and friends?

LegacyUser

Lies have been spread about my boyfriend also, but of a different nature, so the women haven't taken their opinion of him out on him, where I assume I've been painted as having stolen my boyfriend from his ex which is totally untrue.

I would find it very odd that someone would believe a girl they don't know telling lies about someone else they don't know, but they have done and I have to deal with that. It makes me think these are not girls I want to be friends with either way though, that's my boyfriend's opinion on this also.

We've only announced our wedding plans to close family yet, we will officially announce it to friends, etc at Christmas.

I'm glad I wrote here about this because the more I write, the more I realise I don't care what these nasty people think, I don't want them as friends anyway so let them think what they want. I won't be so kind to them next time I have to deal with their attitudes, I will ask what the issue is.

Thanks for your replies

astra2000

Hi op your wedding wont be ruined by these people unless you allow it to be. I doubt very much they will even be on your radar in the weeks coming up to your wedding you will be so excited and busy. On the day itself you will be focused on your new husband families and friends and not some random plus1s. Please tell me that there is no way ye are going to invite the ex by the way. You have mentioned that most of these are just casual relationships a lot of them may not even be around by the time your wedding happens.
I agree with the last posters it is strange that these girls would be influenced by an ex, is it possible that you may subconsiously be sending off standoffish vibes due to the fact that you are not accepted by others in the group? Or is it that this is a very young group? What ever about the friends your bf should be able to mention something to his brother if new gf continues been horrible. Or better still if he catches her in the act of eyerolling or whatever he should ask her whats wrong I bet that would be the end of it. You are going to be spending the rest of your lives together and he should be looking out for you, he doesnt need to be confrontational just point out what he saw/heard and question it.

alexa5x5

What about inviting his friend (and there girlfriends) for a meal, where you can bring up what this Ex/nutter has been doing. You or your boyfriend could explain that the roomers this girl is spreading are total lies.

Look at it this way; they have only heard one side of the story, and from someone who is, from what I can understand, still close to his friends/family. To them she’s probably very credible person. If you told them about what he’s been up to since the break up at least then they will have both sides of the story.

It truly is a horrible situation you’re in and it’s unfair that you have to go to this effort to explain yourself. But I don’t think things will get better if these girls continue to hear just one side of the story.

.

OS119

hi OP, from what you say i think you have two problems - firstly your bf's refusal to take your concerns seriously, and secondly the very odd acceptance by your bf's family and freinds of his ex as a part of their lives.

i can only see 3 solutions: 1(a) is to get your bf to take your concerns seriously, regardless of whether he sees the problem, 1(b) is for your bf is to grip his friends and family and say 'look, this nutbag is a problem, its causing the woman i love untold grief, i can't tell you who to be friends with, but if you stay friends with her you won't be friends with me'.

2. you and your bf move a long way away.

3. you ditch him and find someone who a) doesn't have a stalker, a wierd family and very odd friends, and b) actually has the balls/cop-on to understand that however its not affectng him, it is affecting you, and to do something about it.

Kimia

Why don't you take your boyfriends brother's new girlfriend aside and ask her if you have done something to upset her? Putting her on the spot like that (but in a gentle way) might open her up a small bit.

Also I find it really strange that she presumably also only met the mad ex girlfriend once too, and so for her to be an outright bítch to you based on one or two encounters (i would imagine - if she's a new girlfriend she cannot have met the mad ex that many times!) is really really odd. Especially that level of bitchiness.

It's very weird tbh. Ask them! You have nothing to lose!

StillWaters

Have you posted about this issue before here? I remember a similar thread where more of the story emerged. He had in fact led the ex a merry dance and treated her appallingly.

LegacyUser

Hi again, thanks to you all for the replies. I'm definitely going to have a word with her next weekend. She already hates me so there's it's not I'm going to damage the relationship. I'll ask her when she's on her own with me "have I upset you in some way as you seem to be very off with me". She's met the ex a couple of times I imagine over the last few weeks but no more than 3 times at most and I have no idea how I would come up into conversation, it's very sad of the ex to be bothered about me like this especially when she's in another relationship since the previous one ended.

I've never posted about this before. There is no more to this story, I'm not leaving any events out, that's why I'm so hurt/baffled, I didn't do anything, my boyfriend didn't either. He's a very quiet gentle guy, I've watched her scream at him into his face and he's managed to ignore her and walk away. Their relationship all ended in a very straight up manner but as time has passed she has become more and more odd. She tried various methods to get at him which failed to work but now she's seemed to find something that does cause upset and I hate letting her win.


Thanks again for all the responses. I appreciate it

Sleepy

Why not arrange a few nights where you can be sure she won't be there and see if you can phase her out of the group?

Ask your boyfriend to tell his family that she's not welcome around him and why. If they already know the way she's carrying on, they're seriously disrespecting him by tolerating her.

ztoical

Sleepy wrote: »

Why not arrange a few nights where you can be sure she won't be there and see if you can phase her out of the group?

Ask your boyfriend to tell his family that she's not welcome around him and why. If they already know the way she's carrying on, they're seriously disrespecting him by tolerating her.

+ 1 BF needs to say it to family and friends that she is not to be invited out with the group. Try arranging a few nights out in a different pub [know that can be hard if your in a small town], move around your plans if your in the habbit of always drinking in the same place at the same time go somewhere else or invite people around for a meal/evening in at yours. Make it super hard for her to tag along.

Zebra3

OP,

Have you got a sister or some female friends to bring along the next time there is a night out with your BF, his mates and their GFs?

Sounds like you need some people to back you up.

ongarboy

this does sound like an identical issue from last month that was posted.

I'm sorry OP...I don't doubt that you are experiencing issues from this situation but some facts and information you highlight just don't seem to make sense or sound plausible...

I just find it odd that the ex who these GFs had no dealings with previously, can now suddenly arrive on the scene and manipulate them all into believing every lie she tells about you without any evidence and that every single one of them are dumb enough to fall for it and then treat you badly based on this second hand information from a previously unknown acquaintance? Are they all suffering from intelligence deficits that not one of them can see that you are a nice person?

I know if my partner was being constantly treated appallingly like this by my mates other halves, I would have a word with the mates and demand that their GFs treat my GF with respect or ask them to give good reasons why they aren't doing so. If they and your BF already agree that the ex is a nut job, why is your BF letting her hang around with his family still or having her in the social circle? Your BF (if he really loves and respects you) should say to his family and mates that this nut job is causing stress to you and by default him and that you would like if all of them have nothing to do with her. If she is just someone that nudged her way into the social circle on the back of the BF dumping her then it's not like she is a life long friend that the BF is asking them to keep away from. Again, I find this whole set up and scenario hard to digest as being the real situation.

And again I apologise for my doubts but it just does not seem plausible that you have all these adults following and believing who they all know is a nut job and are all happy to label you, a nice girl, as a bitch without any justification. Hope it works out for you.

Moomoo1

ongarboy wrote: »

this does sound like an identical issue from last month that was posted.

I'm sorry OP...I don't doubt that you are experiencing issues from this situation but some facts and information you highlight just don't seem to make sense or sound plausible...

I just find it odd that the ex who these GFs had no dealings with previously, can now suddenly arrive on the scene and manipulate them all into believing every lie she tells about you without any evidence and that every single one of them are dumb enough to fall for it and then treat you badly based on this second hand information from a previously unknown acquaintance? Are they all suffering from intelligence deficits that not one of them can see that you are a nice person?

my take on it would be: people's dislikes of other people are often unrelated to what those other people actually did, but more to do with what those other people are. Meaning, that if you are chatty and your face fits in then you get away with murder. If you are a bit of an outsider, then every little thing will be held against you.

I am sure you've seen it all in work situations; a guy who does not see eye to eye with the boss will get major bother over any tiny indisgression, whilst the boss' 'pets' could do no wrong. It's the same here imho: it's nothing to do with reason or who did what: for some reason those women decided that the OP doesn't fit in, and the cheating thing is just a convenient excuse.

LegacyUser

Overall I see these girls a lot less than the rest of the group see each other and I am the only one from a big city while the rest are all from the same little village with one or two from neighbouring villages (the ex is an exception, she's not from roughly the same region but a different village but spends all of her time in my boyfriend's village). So all would've somewhat known each other previously through school, etc.

I only see these people sometimes (usually weekends and not every weekend) as my bf and I live and work in Dublin and then travel down the country to his region on days off while all of these girlfriends would see each other a lot more often, I'm the outsider of the group. It initially started with them constantly talking about events and such that I hadn't been a part of, like the previous weekend, 'the best night of their lives'. Then it excelled to them only talking about local people all night and anytime I tried to have input or be friendly such as commenting on one of the girl's nice clothes or such, I'd be ignored and they'd just look at me, then continue talking like they hadn't heard. I've never in my life encountered such rudeness.

My boyfriend hasn't seen a lot of this behaviour as he would be with the guys and I hadn't gone telling tales to him in the early stages as I know women can be like this and I'd hoped to sort it. Also, it's difficult to explain this type of behaviour to a man as men don't behave like this generally, so they don't understand how it plays out.

But it isn't a matter of my bf growing a pair or manning up, I simply haven't overstated to him how much it's affecting me. In general, I just think "fcuk them", but this past weekend I guess I was feeling more sensitive than normal and I had hopes of getting to know this new girl and having one member of the group to talk to on nights out, but instead I saw that the ex had got to her before I'd met her.

I do notice that on the past few occasions where I've just stayed at the bar with the guys (and had a fantastic night as they are all so friendly and welcoming) I've probably become more resented as I assume they're all waiting for me to steal their man as that's the kind of thing I do apparently...

I'm a professional business woman from a completely different background to these girls and that's definitely caused a certain amount of resentment too. I don't mean to sound bitchy but none of these girls are exactly bright, several of them (all in mid to late 20s) have never worked a day in their lives still getting handouts from mammy and daddy and the ones who are working are all employed in clothes shops where they can get discounts, the only reason they work there.

None of them have moved away from their home village. None of them have hobbies. They live their week looking forward to the following Saturday night and spend their days writing on each other's facebook pages about what they will wear and how they will style their hair. I'm not at all girlie so that's probably another reason for them to resent me. But I haven't been standoffish or anything else at any time with them, I've really tried to get to know them in a nice friendly manner.

The more I think about it, the more I realise that my boyfriend is right when he says "What are you worrying if they don't seem to embrace you as much as the others, do you really want to be friends with a bunch of dumb bimbos like them?".
In truth, I don't.

It just hurts that they can be so cruel when situations mean I kinda have to get along with them for the sake of peace, particularly as we do spend quite a bit of time with my boyfriend's friends, any days off, holidays from work, etc, we do stuff with them. When it comes to activities the women are never there, but they're always at pub-based events.
I think it's time for me to worry about them a lot less and should I encounter more rudeness from this new girl on our next meeting, I'll be asking her directly what the issue is.

My friends all live in a different part of the country so it's not really an option to invite them down.

My boyfriend has raised the issues of his ex, his family/friends etc didn't care/didn't do anything about it. She behaves like the angel from above with his parents and they can't see through it. He was very annoyed about this for a while but we both decided it wasn't worth wasting time on, we're better to just ignore her existence completely. She wants to see that she's causing us stress/upset, ignoring her is the best treatment. My bf's male friends all refer to her as 'just another psycho ex' and see through her completely. Several of them have dated women who have called the tax man and reported them to Gardai for false crimes after the relationship ended, unfortunately this type of thing seems to be quite common. So they understand the issue and just laugh at it. None of them seem to care about their girlfriend's enough to care who they do or don't talk to, where my bf and I are quite a bit different in our relationship to this.

And once again, no I have not posted here before. I apologise if my post is very similar to someone else's but let me reassure you that I have not posted about this previously. It's quite annoying to be put down as a liar and have my boyfriend painted as some bad guy based on some previous thread that I have neither seen nor written. I have no reason to emit details on an ANONYMOUS forum and I suggest those of you who think I am initially leaving details out to make myself look better, anonymously, should find something to do other than overanalysing posts on a relationship problems board.

Thanks to all who offered genuine advice!

astra2000

Hi op it looks like you have reached the right conclusion they are just not worth bothering about. From what you have said though it does sound as if the problems are based on how different you are from them rather than the exgf influencing them. You are the outsider have a good job and probably a different out look on life to them.
Now I am not sure what tread other people are referring to but I saw one a number of weeks ago from a lad whos ex sounded similar to your bfs ex. very similar it was posted in august called "ex ruining my life". Have a read might help to know ye are not the only ones suffering at the hands of a crazy ex.
Best of luck op

alexa5x5

sadupsetgirl26 wrote: »

My boyfriend has raised the issues of his ex, his family/friends etc didn't care/didn't do anything about it. She behaves like the angel from above with his parents and they can't see through it. He was very annoyed about this for a while but we both decided it wasn't worth wasting time on, we're better to just ignore her existence completely. She wants to see that she's causing us stress/upset, ignoring her is the best treatment. My bf's male friends all refer to her as 'just another psycho ex' and see through her completely. Several of them have dated women who have called the tax man and reported them to Gardai for false crimes after the relationship ended, unfortunately this type of thing seems to be quite common. So they understand the issue and just laugh at it. None of them seem to care about their girlfriend's enough to care who they do or don't talk to, where my bf and I are quite a bit different in our relationship to this.

Jesus I’ve never heard of this type of thing happening before, either to someone I know or know of! That’s bloody awful and pathetic that these girls can’t let go of someone that doesn’t want to be with them anymore....But as you said in another part of your post; these girl don’t have anything going on in there lives. So there goal is probably to find a man, settle down and play the good little mammy role. I guess being ditched puts a spanner in that for them... But still, scary!!

LegacyUser

alexa5x5 wrote: »

Jesus I’ve never heard of this type of thing happening before, either to someone I know or know of! That’s bloody awful and pathetic that these girls can’t let go of someone that doesn’t want to be with them anymore....But as you said in another part of your post; these girl don’t have anything going on in there lives. So there goal is probably to find a man, settle down and play the good little mammy role. I guess being ditched puts a spanner in that for them... But still, scary!!

I'm guessing if these women are all hanging around together like that and are so easily influenced that theyve given each other tips on how to deal with a breakup... by reporting their ex to the taxman etc. Pathetic but a friend's ex reported him for rape - total lies luckily he was away for the weekend and was able to prove it!

ongarboy

sadupsetgirl26 wrote: »

And once again, no I have not posted here before. I apologise if my post is very similar to someone else's but let me reassure you that I have not posted about this previously. It's quite annoying to be put down as a liar and have my boyfriend painted as some bad guy based on some previous thread that I have neither seen nor written. I have no reason to emit details on an ANONYMOUS forum and I suggest those of you who think I am initially leaving details out to make myself look better, anonymously, should find something to do other than overanalysing posts on a relationship problems board.

Thanks to all who offered genuine advice!

Hi OP, I'd like to apologise for my earlier post and for expressing any doubts. My fault completely for misinterpreting your original post.

In your latest post, you seem to have identified ways to address the issue or at least help you rise above their pettiness and small minded mentalities so I do hope it works out for you! Good Luck!

StillWaters

Maybe they are just about bright enough to realize you look down on them?