New boyfriend acts hot & cold

RoseOz

Hi,

Been dating my boyfriend (mid 30's) for last 5+ months. We get along fine, no dramas, issues or arguments on anything as yet (unlike either of our previous relationships).

My issue is that he blows hot & cold with his affections. It's already dwindled from what it was months ago. It's like he's going through the motions of being in a relationship but not actually interested in participating.

Plans for doing stuff together is left up to me. He doesn't suggest anything (other than watching a film at the cinema), doesn't voice an opinion on the options I list, is very much 'whatever you want to do'.
He's not overly affectionate anymore - especially publicly. More often than not it's left to me to initiate intimacy.

I think he is a good guy in many respects, but I've just discovered he's bought an expensive festival ticket for March next year - with his friends - but hasn't mentioned it to me at all let alone invited me along.

This has raised alarm bells for me, as it seems really shady behaviour so soon into an exclusive relationship. To me this signals that he has reservations about us still being together by March next year - which is why he hasn't mentioned it. Along with the seemingly lower interest level generally - I get the gut feeling I should be backing off & not investing too much emotional time or effort with him here on.

I'm unsure how to proceed from here on. I don't want to start playing games with him in retaliation, & bury a potentially good relationship in the making, but I also don't want to invest my time & emotions with someone who's just stringing me along until they find something better.

Anyone else been through similar situation?
Is this the build up to being dumped (however nicely or indirectly done!) ?

pwd

If your gut feeling is that you should back off, then maybe you should back off. If he's acting like he wants space, give him space. Space is important in relationships.

He's not stringing you along. Stringing you along would mean he was paying you loads of attention, but it was all bullsh!t. What he's doing is not paying you much attention at all.

He's also not blowing hot and cold. That would mean he was changing his attitude to you suddenly and inexplicably. What you describe is a gradual change.

Your language suggests someone untrustworthy, whereas what you describe is someone who seems uncontrived.

Your response to his lack of interest is dramatic, and you don't deal with it in an assertive manner. You show insecurity, and a dangerous side. You seem to recognise he is humouring you in your time together. You should back off, like your gut says. Or ask him how he feels, like your head is wondering. Instead you imagine all sorts of stuff, and consider playing games in retaliation - Retaliation for something imaginary.

You are together five months. Unless you were close friends for years, you're probably still getting to know each other. You seem to be really trying to force things - which only ends up strangling things. You need to relax. Try to communicate with him about what's on your mind, without the drama or pressure.

It's healthy for him to spend time with his friends. It's unhealthy to tag along with your OH everywhere they go. Being jealous that he wants to go to a festival with them, and to the cinema with you is a normal reaction. Tell him you [heard]/[noticed]/[discovered while rifling through his personal files] that he was going to it, and say you'd like to do something like that with him too.

RoseOz

Just to clarify;
The hot & cold thing - just over a month ago he was inviting me to join him on his holiday to the US, since he'd already paid for all the accommodation & wasn't keen on being by himself once his mates had flown out to other locations.
I didn't go & he contacted me most days of the entire trip including calls. Now he's back & his demeanor has noticably changed towards me.
I wouldn't say he was the most publicly demonstrative person (from the outset), but he was attentive & affectionate. Recently, that has changed.
He seems grumpy, lethargic, unmotivated to do stuff but unhappy to just 'hang out' with me. I have a busy enough life to occupy my time, so being around him when he's like that is rather frustrating - especially if neither of us are enjoying it & I for one could be doing my own stuff that I've put off to spend the time with him.

He doesn't have a large circle of friends, so I've met/socialized & get along with the people going to the music festival next year. It's not a yearly or regular occurance. It's an expensive ticket to see dj's / bands that I know more about than he does - which he is aware of. He's been pretty open about everything up until now - including his outgoing expenses etc, so I find it odd this sudden no mentioning of it.

I just don't understand how he can flip from telling me to book a ticket to the US to join him on holiday there mere weeks ago, talking about taking a long weekend break away somewhere local, and even moving in together some stage next year (none of this a forced discussion on my part either), to suddenly acting moody & distant.

That behaviour makes me feel insecure for sure - as I've been burnt a couple of times in previous long term relationships & vowed not to put up with more bullsh!te, dodgy behaviour or drama here on. We only see each other on the weekends, so it's not like he doesn't have enough down time to himself if he wanted on the weeknights.

I also don't want to force the issue with some full blown conversation about it yet if he's just having a stint of post holiday blues or feeling stressed about stuff or whatever.

All I know is that I have that sinking feeling in my stomach again & I've got nothing really solid other than the above to explain why. I am happy to give a person space - as I like doing my own thing - but it's the circumstances leading up to it that I'm feeling uneasy about.

pwd

Maybe he's sulking because you didn't go to America with him. Maybe he is down, and it's nothing to do with you. I really think you should just ask him directly.

Princess Peach

I can't make presumptions about your situation. I can just tell you my experience. This is the exact same way my ex was. He was so loving and enthusiastic and affectionate at first. He always wanted to see me and would make plans for the future. Then it just fizzled out from his end. This happened a few times. Each time I would ask him what's going on, does he still like me. And we would take a break, and get back together sometime after.

It was his way of leading to dumping me, he was just too much of a coward to just do it until I asked him whether he wanted to be with me or not.

For your own sake of mind, talk to him about it. I know its scary cause you think he might break up with you. All I know is my ex's behavior used to drive me insane, not knowing whether I was the problem or what was going on in his head. It was awful getting dumped, but at least I knew where I stood. Just tell him you noticed a change in how he acts towards you, whats going on?

monroebaby

ok so, maybe its a long shot but if you only know him 5 months you wouldnt really know if he suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.). Its possible that he's gotten down recently with shorter days etc. He might not be aware of the impact his mood is having on you. Id agree with the rest and say you should talk to him.
Ive been burnt myself in the past and I found sometimes that the slightest thing would trigger alarm bells. Nobody can predict or guess what the problem is, you just need to have an easy little chat about it!

TitoPuente

I'd agree with what some people are saying above. Ask him where you stand and see how he responds.

cafecolour

RoseOz wrote: »

I didn't go & he contacted me most days of the entire trip including calls. Now he's back & his demeanor has noticably changed towards me.
I wouldn't say he was the most publicly demonstrative person (from the outset), but he was attentive & affectionate. Recently, that has changed.
He seems grumpy, lethargic, unmotivated to do stuff but unhappy to just 'hang out' with me. I have a busy enough life to occupy my time, so being around him when he's like that is rather frustrating - especially if neither of us are enjoying it & I for one could be doing my own stuff that I've put off to spend the time with him.

Honestly, this sounds more like an overall mood change than anything to do with you. Plus, a lot people are fine just 'hanging out' with their bf/gf. If you're the type that always wants to be out and doing things (walks/cinema/museum/bars/etc.), and he's the type to mostly want to stay at home, that could be a problem. Or is he active when he's not with you?

RoseOz wrote: »

He doesn't have a large circle of friends, so I've met/socialized & get along with the people going to the music festival next year. It's not a yearly or regular occurance. It's an expensive ticket to see dj's / bands that I know more about than he does - which he is aware of. He's been pretty open about everything up until now - including his outgoing expenses etc, so I find it odd this sudden no mentioning of it.

That's also not that strange tbh. Bringing a bf/gf to a music festival can completely change the experience (and can often be a relationship ender, depending). He might just want a piss up with the mates. It's totally different than bringing you on a trip to the states where it's just the two of you.

I am a friend

I would be seriously looking at my options here... Tell him to cop on that he is being a bore... If he is like this after 5 months, what is he going to be like after 25 years???? Sounds like he has gotten complacent and is taking you for granted.

If you want to be taken for granted, then stay with him but I wouldnt tolerate his moods and half assed attempts at staying in a relationship (esp as I said after only 5 months). Let him on....

silkworm53

RoseOz wrote: »

Hi,

Been dating my boyfriend (mid 30's) for last 5+ months. We get along fine, no dramas, issues or arguments on anything as yet (unlike either of our previous relationships).

My issue is that he blows hot & cold with his affections. It's already dwindled from what it was months ago. It's like he's going through the motions of being in a relationship but not actually interested in participating.

Plans for doing stuff together is left up to me. He doesn't suggest anything (other than watching a film at the cinema), doesn't voice an opinion on the options I list, is very much 'whatever you want to do'.
He's not overly affectionate anymore - especially publicly. More often than not it's left to me to initiate intimacy.

I think he is a good guy in many respects, but I've just discovered he's bought an expensive festival ticket for March next year - with his friends - but hasn't mentioned it to me at all let alone invited me along.

This has raised alarm bells for me, as it seems really shady behaviour so soon into an exclusive relationship. To me this signals that he has reservations about us still being together by March next year - which is why he hasn't mentioned it. Along with the seemingly lower interest level generally - I get the gut feeling I should be backing off & not investing too much emotional time or effort with him here on.

I'm unsure how to proceed from here on. I don't want to start playing games with him in retaliation, & bury a potentially good relationship in the making, but I also don't want to invest my time & emotions with someone who's just stringing me along until they find something better.

Anyone else been through similar situation?
Is this the build up to being dumped (however nicely or indirectly done!) ?

Hi OP

Have you told your boyfriend how you feel?
He is obviously on another planet so you need to bring him back to Earth by telling him some home truths about his behaviour.

unclecessna

My opinion for what it's worth is to move on, his flakey behaviour will just bring down your self-esteem more if it's let to continue and you really don't need that.

From my experience of people who blow hot and cold over the years from having done it myself to being on the recieving end to watching friends and their partners etc etc - the person in the relationship who blows hot and cold just dose not know what they really want full stop.

He's more than likely insecure, dosen't know himself or his real want's and needs, is selfish and see's the grass as greener in different pastures - in other words a person with a childs mindset. You probably tick some of his boxes but he want's to have his cake and eat it as well so he yo yo's and half commits, half plays games and suits himself.

A person who is truly confident, who has a high self-awareness and who is humble would look at the situation from both his and your viewpoints and make a firm decision ie: Yes I want to be with this person and commit - or - No I don't want to be with this person but will do the fair and respectful thing of informing them promptly, clearly and respectfuly - in other words a person with an adult mindset.

It's the difference in the spectrum of being imature and childish to being mature and grown-up. Your guy is at the lower end it would seem and will remain there untill life teaches him a few lessons (which it always seems to do with people believe me) and he decides to listen and reassess both himself and his behaviour. The problem is this could happen 5 months from now or 5 years from now...who knows but in the mean time you will more than likely have met an ''adult'' guy who will really appreciate you.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Just wanted to comment on the festival stuff - I wouldn't read anything at all into that. As someone else said, it's a very different experience if someone brings a girlfriend / boyfriend, if what a group of friends had planned was just them going. Tbh, I'd be a bit fed up if an outing was planned as a group of buddies, and then someone changed the vibe by bringing along their girlfriend / boyfriend. Just 'cos he's going with his friends doesn't mean he's on the pull!

Not sure what to think about the other stuff, all I can say is to ask him if he's ok - maybe he is in bad form about something, and needs a bit of a prompt to talk about it.

outdoorsygirl

I would have a chat with him, nothing too heavy or it could develop into world war three.
I would suggest that maybe you are expecting a lot from him after such a short space of time. Five months going out with someone is nothing. And you say that you only see one another at weekends, so it is not as though you are with each other three, maybe four times a week, and at weekends!
You are still getting to know each other, and one another's mood swings.
I am sure you too have your downtimes and moods!!!
So, perhaps get to know him and don't be trying to figure him out too soon.

I appreciate you are frustrated 'cos you want to know where you stand with him. So, after a friendly chat you should find out, if not directly, certainly indirectly. Remember, guys are not good at expressing their feelings or emotions. So, he may not come out straight and explain or defend himself. But you should pick up the vibe from him be it good or bad.And you can then make a judgement call from that.

Life is too short to be getting all up tight about people's perceived behaviour.

Best of luck.

RoseOz

Wow - I'm in shock. He's 35 yrs old, yet he deemed it fit to just break up with me via EMAIL !

Said he's not feeling it, hasn't had the guts to come out with it verbally for the past couple of weeks, so email it was.

Dumped by email........guess that just goes to show gut instinct is there for a reason. Gutted.

dory

Don't be gutted, from reading your posts seems like you dodged a bullet. Do you really want to go out with someone who is such a coward? I know it's hard now, but it really is worth hanging on and finding someone who is as enthusiatic as you are. How much longer could you have gone out with someone who acted like that??

Did you reply to the email? I wouldn't even have dignified it with a response.

Katgurl

Ah sorry to hear that OP, it's horrible being proved right at times.

I'm sure you are gutted, why wouldn't you be- it was allseemingly going well and now it's over, not to mention it was a ****ty way to deliver the news.

All I can say is that you deserve to be with someone who IS feeling it and has better manners than to break up with you on email.

Get out there for a girls night out and cheer yourself up. I bet you'll be over him far quicker than you think. He sounds like he was fairly lacking in substance.

I am a friend

Wow...... OP, you know well that you have had a lucky escape here... Thats so spineless....

RoseOz

I had already replied to the email, maturely, thanking him for finally coming out with what I'd already instinctively felt & finally knowing where I stood.

Can't force feelings, so that's that. I don't really know what he's expecting after only 5 months, but it seems (reading his explanation) that he spooked himself out by over thinking the whole thing too much & reckoned he 'should be in love with me by now, but isn't'.

Course - he doesn't want to actually lose the closeness developed & has asked if we can go back to being just friends ! :mad:

Suffice to say, I'll be giving him a wide berth / cold shoulder for quite some time whilst I get my head around being single again. Not keen on making any effort being friends with someone who didn't even have the balls to verbalize what he was thinking or feeling the past few weeks, despite having ample opportunities to do so. He could still manage to have sex with me over the weekend, but not actually break up with me.

That in particular I am pissed about.

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear that, OP, can see why you're upset - but seriously, you really did dodge a bullet. The email says it all. I'm surprised it wasn't by text. This guy needs to both grow up and grow a pair.

There ARE real men out there, believe me - and when you find one that wants to be with you, he'll make sure you know it! You deserve to be treated well!