Empty & Lost..

LegacyUser

Where do I begin. I'm in my mid-30s, single, and with no children. Some days I don`t mind the independence I have, but on other days I feel so invisible and alone. I have never been in a relationship, never experienced anything remotely like it with the opposite/same sex and have never had sex. I am at the stage that I am giving up on life and just seem to going through the motions on autopilot. I have even had doubts myself as to whether I am gay or straight (and believe that something is very wrong with me.
Outwardly I get the feeling that people think I have it all together and am very happy and successful. I guess just looking at me from the outside it would appear that way, but they don't realize that it is a front that I've been a master at maintaining since I was little. I suppose a sort of a shield I used for protection and survival. As a young guy I always would put up a front that everything was okay and my life is "normal". I still have the tendency to put up that front as an adult, so while I may be smiling on the outside, I'm often crying on the inside. I lived with an alcoholic parent in my youth and teens and was used to our house being a war zone filled with madness associated with living in an alcoholic household. It is only really in the last few years that I have realised it was how much of an impact it has had on me and I somehow think it has a lot to do what is wrong with me now.
While growing up I often felt like an outsider, still do, watching everyone having fun on the playground but never jumping in and joining them because I didn't feel like I truly fit in. Even today I find myself hesitating and I always seem to be on edge, be thinking of what can go wrong, what the other persons real agenda is, will they see the real me.
I didn't have many friends in my youth because I didn't want them to find out the truth about my father, me and life at home. So I just seemed to go through life seemingly happy but I was really avoiding things that might scare or hurt me. I never knew what I wanted to do at school as I was too scared to think of life beyond it so I know I didn`t achieve as much as I could have so I just did enough to get me by. I never experienced stuff that regular teenagers would experience like, discos, relationships, sex or close friendships because I was too terrified of it. I still haven`t I suppose because I am afraid that people may find out about the real me i.e. frustrated, lonely and scared. It is a never ending cycle.

I have a steady enough job it gets me through the day, have been there over a decade since I finished school. I am almost finished studying a Degree, by night, even though I have very little interest just decided to do it as I thought it might help me with my job. I have lost interest in it at this stage but want to complete it as I am near the final hurdle. I also take part in martial arts and am a Black belt in it. It keeps me going and helps me not to think of my life outside it. I feel though even though I love martial arts, it is being used to try and fill a massive void inside.

I have very little/no confidence in myself especially when it comes to the opposite sex. Any time I thought a hint of something might happen I would almost have a panic attack. I sometimes find myself attracted to other good looking members of the same sex but not in a sexual way. I don`t fantasise about them sexually as it does nothing for me. I think it is because I am envious of them and often find myself saying “ Christ I wish I looked as good as them or have the same confidence they seem to have around others”. Recently a student from a local university started in my office on Co-op. They are very confident and do look good. I find I get very jealous of how easy things come for them. This person has barely turned 20 and from talking to them they seem to have more sexual and life experience and relationships than I have had in my entire lifetime. I wish I could be like them. I haven`t told anyone of my experience, maybe they know already maybe they don`t, at this stage of my life I really don`t care anymore, but I do feel horrible when I think about what others have experienced / have. I find I am tense, sad and anxious at life and in the last year or so I have often cried while travelling home from work in the car. I find days like Valentines day, sometimes at Christmas (I love Xmas Eve) and New Years really hard. I genuinely feel that life is passing me by and have lost out on so much, I feel lost and don`t see much point in everyday things anymore. It seems that I am doing things to distract myself, such as martial arts, getting through my job and staying long hours, so I don`t have to be alone to think about my real feelings of fear and despair. My number one fear is waking up one day old, in pain and alone.

The strange thing is I do get on with people, I can talk to people easily at the drop of a hat, I have people who I would call friends but no one I could call very close or ever had that I would call close or have a heart to heart about how I truly feel. I put up the happy façade with them while hiding what is really going on with me. I suppose it is down to trust and fear that the person / friend might know the real me and being rejected.

I suspect this might be because the only relationships I have experienced is my parents which suffered because of alcoholism and maybe I am expecting my relationships could turn out the same. When I am alone I often get upset thinking about all I have missed out on. I do think there is something really wrong with me and I will be found out and, feel like I am running on empty and don`t see the point in a lot of what I do anymore. I don't want to be a lonely old person a few decades from now.

I can`t bring myself to talk to people about it because I don`t think they would understand. I think I realise now that due to my childhood experiences I have no self esteem left because all I have done is grow up, cope and try to survive life instead of living it. I think at weekends when I am not at work or taking part in martial arts I am very much a loner. At the moment I just feel empty and lost.

Mr Marri

I half expected you to write QED at the end, It's just you seem to have it all worked out, like it was a sum or chess.

You seem to be twisting yourself in knots trying to fix the past and analysis the future. The only thing you can do anthing about is today, so stop agonising over yesterday and tomorrow and work on today. Stop thinking about all this stuff and work on making yourself happy. Feel like going to a movie, feel like an icecream or going for a run.....try it for a few days, it won't do you any harm.

p.s. people meet the person you are today, not the you of 10 years ago or the you of ten years time.

LegacyUser

Hi, I don't have time to write a thought out response right now but I just want to say I can really relate to you. I am in my early 30s as well and haven't had many friends in my life, never had a relationship either. Its only in the last couple of years that I've been on a few dates with guys and started to try and push myself more in that direction. I had quite a good home life but I put up a front all through my 20s as well. I don't hardly know why I did that - I was lonely, didn't have friends and yet I didn't want people to know that so I put up a front and it probably looked like I just wanted to be alone. I have a few good friends but I rarely see them and I managed to make one new friend in the last few years but don't get along with them anymore. The only good thing is that now I don't beat myself up about not having tons of friends anymore. I can't change the past. Its strange I don't know if thats just that I've given up now...I really hope not.
I have a lot more to say, I'll come back and write more later.