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  • 06-09-2010 4:17pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026
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    Im in a relationship with a guy comin up on 3 yrs, we have a little one as well so it makes this more complicated. More and more i find mself unhappy in the relationship, and Its all down to me. hes a great guy, a wonderful father, a good friend... Aye, there's the Rub!!
    I only see him as a friend now, where there was once a great love, it seem to have disappeared almost completely..
    I still love him, but im not in love with him anymore... And yes, i know we have a lo which makes things that much harder, but i know lo would be well looked after by both of us in the event we end up apart...
    I just need someone to tell me they've gone thru it and came out the other side or that im not alone in feeling like this..
    Bear in mind, there is nobody else, I dont want anybody else, I just want to be on my own and out of a relationship, I need to know who I (away from any man) am, and i cant find me if im in an "us"...
    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.... :(


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 988 Zeouterlimits
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    What is a 'lo'? From context it sounds like ye have a child?

    OP, of course you're not alone. There are 6+ billion people on this planet! Relationships and marriages end every second, it happens.
    If you are sure you want it to end, then be honest. You obviously think he's a great guy, so give him the respect he deserves.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 LegacyUser
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    have you gone on any hormonal contraception since you started seeing him as just a friend?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,861 IrishEyes19
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    What is a 'lo'? From context it sounds like ye have a child?

    OP, of course you're not alone. There are 6+ billion people on this planet! Relationships and marriages end every second, it happens.
    If you are sure you want it to end, then be honest. You obviously think he's a great guy, so give him the respect he deserves.

    @ Zeouterlimits, I think she mean's "little one," lo.... I think.

    I agree with Zeouterlimits, if you feel this is no more than a friendship, do end it for his sake and your own. Have things been odd between you both recently or non couple like. Or will this be a total shock for him? Wish you the best.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 LegacyUser
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    @contraception-didnt mean it to sound like that, he's my partner of almost 3 yrs, i just meant feelings-wise, its getting to the stage where it seems like we're friends not bf n gf!

    Yeah, things havent been 100% for a while now and i told him so over a mth ago, but he wants to work at it and get things back to normal, and im trying really hard to do that, but some days every little thing he does annoys me and i just want out, and i know its not his fault, its all down to me!!
    Its just really hard to try get my head around the fact that things might end,i dont want to hurt him but i know its inevitable if we dont sort things out...

    whats worse is that my parents are happily married for yrs and when i mentioned it to them that things weren't right, they weren't too happy, and just said to work it out for the sake of our child! which only made things worse because the guilt factor kicked in then!

    what to do....


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 CDfm
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    OP its a great time to go find and discover yourself when you have this little family thing going.Kids and grown up life is very hard work and you seem to say very little about yours.

    Like do you work and does he work ,what your plans are for this "break " and who is going to contribute what financially and how access etc is to be handled & where are you all to live.

    You might have a touch of the post baby blues and look back on your pre-parent life fondly but that is gone.

    Nowdays you are a mother and a partner and thats what defines you -what else are you looking for , financially, workwise or whatever ? You should say.

    Why didnt you look at these things before you got into this situation because now you are affecting the lives of others , your child, the dad, his parents, his siblings, and it ripples out.

    With the brevity of your post do you have a little bit of growing up to do.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9 angelwings86


    @ CDfm- thanks for your input, the only reason for my brevity in my posts and not going into much detail is because people i know are on boadrs, and tbh i need an outside perspective i guess..
    I see how u may think i miss my pre-baby life,but i can easily say i dont, i relish every moment i spend with my child, and wouldnt change a thing!
    Defo no baby blues either.. we are both relatively young, mid 20s, both work, living comfortably, and our child is and always will be our no:1 priority..
    If the split was to happen, me and my child are fine for a house, and we are fine for money etc, and so is the dad, and access would never be a problem as i would never stop them seeing eachother..
    I understand the impact this will have on not just me, hence i havent walked away, im working hard to try and sort things out...
    I just have off days like today, when i just need it all off my chest and need some objective advice i guess..


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 CDfm
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    How would you split custody & would you move out then.

    Or do you intend him to move out, pay maintenence and have limited access.

    You mention that you relish every moment with your child and the Dad is a good partner and parent -so does he relish every moment too.

    What are you missing.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 Ickle Magoo
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    CDfm, can we keep the topic relevant to the issues as the OP sees it, rather than your own topics of interest please.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 LegacyUser
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    relationships all have their ups and downs. and maybe you are bored in the relationship which is very normal.

    maybe you can change a bit of your way to see things then you would be happier??

    try to find out the goods of your husband, think back why you picked this guy instead of others. does he still have those good traits inside him?

    appreciate him more and maybe you will be happier with what you get?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9 angelwings86


    I dont know tbh... this is not a definate, i just need to sort my head out...
    its not an easy situation or a decision to take lightly, so i'm just trying to look at it from all angles..


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9 angelwings86


    thanks Ickle Magoo :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 CDfm
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    Sorry, OP & Ickle - I thought it would be useful to do a checklist on the reality and think its very brave of you OP to post. If you are unhappy in your relationship, of course, you should try to do whats best for everyone and that includes you. It is great to be in love.and its a cool thing.

    I believe when a couple breaks up that they both have responsibilities as co-parents and should have equal parenting where possible and maybe I have put it badly here.

    Ickle is right and it is an issue I care about very strongly but in an egalitarian way and it often takes a lot of strenght if character to do the right thing. Try not to rush decisions if you feel it is temporary. We all get ups and downs and young mums and dads have it hardest.Some young guys do not know how to be Dads and pull their weight -so is that an issue ?


    I honestly hope you do find what you are looking for :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,630 Zen65
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    Bear in mind, there is nobody else, I dont want anybody else, I just want to be on my own and out of a relationship, I need to know who I (away from any man) am, and i cant find me if im in an "us"...
    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.... :(

    Have you spoken to your OH about these feelings?

    The arrival of a child changes everything in a relationship. Time spent with each other becomes time spent as a "family" which is a very different dynamic. The centre of your family right now is the child, and it is normal for both father and mother to lose some element of their own identity during this phase of the relationship.

    The plain reality here is that you are part of an "us".... whether that is you + LO, or you + LO + OH. If you want to "find yourself" then you will inevitably have to find yourself within the constraints of at least one of those relationships. The alternative is to abandon them both... which does not sound like what you want?

    You do need space. You could talk to your OH and discuss how that might work i.e. not by "leaving" him, but by isolating some part of the day or week and declaring that you need that to yourself, to try to come to terms with your loss of identity.

    We would all be different people away from our loved ones. I think most of us think that we would be less happy (if the relationship is good). For so many reasons, most people opt not to simply walk away from a good relationship to see what they might be without it, but instead find ways to discover themselves from within it.

    You seem to suggest that your relationship has hit a platonic patch? That really is something the two of you should discuss; he may be feeling it too. You should set aside time for the two of you to rediscover each other, in addition to rediscovering yourself. I expect that almost every marriage hits periods like this (mine certainly went through some periods where the effort of the children took away our ability to see each other) - the enlightened response is not to flee and see who we are away from this, but to work through the issues and find ourselves as who we have become as a result of resolving these issues.

    That's my two cents, I hope I have not said anything here to cause you offence.

    Be at peace,

    Z


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 LegacyUser
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    I believe when a couple breaks up that they both have responsibilities as co-parents and should have equal parenting where possible and maybe I have put it badly here.

    The OP stated very clearly that the child would be well looked after by BOTH parents if they were to break up so what on earth has that statement got to do with anything...
    but i know lo would be well looked after by both of us in the event we end up apart...

    OP i think the only person who can make the decision to stay or not is you, i think some posters are putting far to much emphasis on the fact you have a child with this man, as long as your child has 2 parents that love him/her thats all he/she needs, never ever stay with someone 'for the sake of the child', 2 loving parents are infinitely better than 2 unhappy parents who will ultimately end up resenting each other if they stay together for the wrong reasons. You don't have to stay with someone just because they're a 'good partner'. If you don't love someone then you don't love someone. Sometimes relationships just don't work out, and in the grand scheme of things 3 years isn't that long at all...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9 angelwings86


    We all get ups and downs and young mums and dads have it hardest.Some young guys do not know how to be Dads and pull their weight -so is that an issue ?
    [/QUOTE]
    By no means is that an issue, hes a wonderful dad and does everything with our child, he never has to be asked to do anything, granted in the beginning i did have to ask for help, but only because i hadnt the easiest time having the baby, and i tried to keep going but in the end i had to tell him to do more, but now he's absolutely brilliant so there's no problem with him pulling his weight thank god!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9 angelwings86


    Zen65 wrote: »
    Have you spoken to your OH about these feelings?

    The arrival of a child changes everything in a relationship. Time spent with each other becomes time spent as a "family" which is a very different dynamic. The centre of your family right now is the child, and it is normal for both father and mother to lose some element of their own identity during this phase of the relationship.

    The plain reality here is that you are part of an "us".... whether that is you + LO, or you + LO + OH. If you want to "find yourself" then you will inevitably have to find yourself within the constraints of at least one of those relationships. The alternative is to abandon them both... which does not sound like what you want?

    You do need space. You could talk to your OH and discuss how that might work i.e. not by "leaving" him, but by isolating some part of the day or week and declaring that you need that to yourself, to try to come to terms with your loss of identity.

    We would all be different people away from our loved ones. I think most of us think that we would be less happy (if the relationship is good). For so many reasons, most people opt not to simply walk away from a good relationship to see what they might be without it, but instead find ways to discover themselves from within it.

    You seem to suggest that your relationship has hit a platonic patch? That really is something the two of you should discuss; he may be feeling it too. You should set aside time for the two of you to rediscover each other, in addition to rediscovering yourself.

    I have told him about how i was feeling, but he managed to talk me round into just working thru it, but its looking like its going back to that again, where i feel trapped and just want a break... I understand the dynamic has changed now, and I have no problem with that, I have an issue with the fact that I have no breathing space, we live in a TINY house, and have no place to go in it for separate "me" time, and i think that just makes it worse!! And any time i say i want to go out, even to just go for a drive on my own, i get "can we all not go for a drive together" etc which just renders the drive pointless..
    I know this seems like such a petty complaint, but its just getting to me, probably more than it should..
    Sitting down talking to my OH abt this doesnt go well tho, he just shuts down, and i end up being the only one talking, so in turn i dont find out much abt his feelings! i know he doesnt want to break up or anything, and he loves me and our child, but the spark (cliche term, i know!!) is gone completely from our relationship, we rarely do anything anymore, sit in front of the tv or read sitting in silence in the same room!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 899 Drummerboy2
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    Sometimes people become bored with their lives. Some people take this out on their partners, blaming them for causing their feelings of boredom or unhappiness. The fact is that most peoples lives become a little hum drum at times. The secret of a successful partnership is realising that there are going to be tough times and not blaming each other for these. I've seen so many people ruin good relationships because of these feelings. Be very careful before you do something you may well regret in years to come.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 LegacyUser
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    I'm in a slightly different situation, but there's lots here that makes me want to share what I think.

    I may have blown the best relationship ever because I confused my need for knowing myself as an individual with growing as part of a partnership. I realise it's so important to get the balance right. I think we all try to get the right balance between continuing to do things for yourself that make you happy as an individual and continuing to do shared things within partnership where you nurture and are nurtured. Perhaps with you, the balance has shifted too far in one direction? I also am beginning to realise that it's OK for feelings to change over time but that these can freak us out.

    To be happy in a relationship, you have to be happy with yourself on your own terms (work, hobbies, lifestyle). I think I tended to shift blame for being uphappy myself to the thinking I was unhappy in the relationship. Now, I'm realising how much I'm missing. It's now up to me to rebuild my own confidence by really accepting myself, acknowledging what I love doing and deciding what I want for my life on my own terms. Then we can hopefully repair the damage. People don't always tell you how these things affect you when you're together a long time.

    OP, I'm just saying: please think really carefully about this. Your last post suggests that you're happy with so many things and grateful for so much in your family. You indicate that your OH doesn't fully understand your need for 'you time' and 'both of you' time (minus baby). Perhaps he feels a little rejected by you needing this. I'm not saying stay in the relationship for the kid, I'm just saying that you may be adding one and one and getting three. Communicate, try to make the changes that you think may give you that space you need for yourself, think positively about it being a good thing (which it is), and see where you are in time, and try not to dwell, just feel. On a practical level, is it at all possible in the future to get a home with more space?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9 angelwings86


    Sometimes people become bored with their lives. Some people take this out on their partners, blaming them for causing their feelings of boredom or unhappiness. The fact is that most peoples lives become a little hum drum at times. The secret of a successful partnership is realising that there are going to be tough times and not blaming each other for these. I've seen so many people ruin good relationships because of these feelings. Be very careful before you do something you may well regret in years to come.
    thanks Drummer boy... I know this is par for the course in relationships, especially long term ones with responsibilities such as a child house etc, I never blamed my OH once for what im feeling, and i never would, its all down to me..


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 161 StarryMoon0
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    I have told him about how i was feeling, but he managed to talk me round into just working thru it, but its looking like its going back to that again, where i feel trapped and just want a break... I understand the dynamic has changed now, and I have no problem with that, I have an issue with the fact that I have no breathing space, we live in a TINY house, and have no place to go in it for separate "me" time, and i think that just makes it worse!! And any time i say i want to go out, even to just go for a drive on my own, i get "can we all not go for a drive together" etc which just renders the drive pointless..
    I know this seems like such a petty complaint, but its just getting to me, probably more than it should..
    Sitting down talking to my OH abt this doesnt go well tho, he just shuts down, and i end up being the only one talking, so in turn i dont find out much abt his feelings! i know he doesnt want to break up or anything, and he loves me and our child, but the spark (cliche term, i know!!) is gone completely from our relationship, we rarely do anything anymore, sit in front of the tv or read sitting in silence in the same room!

    Hi OP,
    Been there :)
    Sadly love is not like it is in the movies. With the stresses of life, jobs, mortgages, children, ect you can get to a stage where life becomes "ho-hum". Its the same old thing, the same old words, the same reruns on tv. Some people question if they still love the other person, or if they have lost it. The "spark" is gone. Do you both do things to keep the spark alive? A relationship left to take care or itself can slowly dwindle. It takes a bit of work to keep it all alive. Of course, over time, the lusty love of a new relationship (the honeymoon period) settles into a more stable feeling, its not quite as exciting, but it is deeper.
    Sometimes we feel we lose ourselves. So much energy goes into other things, we don't make time for ourselves. On one hand I can understand your OH wanting you all to go for a drive, he may want to spend time with you out of the house, its not a bad thing :) However, you do need alone time. May it be at work, or just getting out with the girls. Can you make time (and afford) to take a small course? A language, a cooking class, a salsa class..ect
    I am taking a language course and the couple hours a week I do that is a blast. Its something for me, and I have fun doing doing it!

    If he fancies sitting in front of the tv all night doesn't mean you have to. You can go for a walk, meet a mate, whatever. Maybe he will want to join you for a walk?

    I'm wondering if your just a bit bored with the status quo? On one hand you say you want some "me" time, yet then you say all you guys ever do is sit around. Stand up from the sofa, sign up for something to get you out of the house once a week, and make plans to have a date with your OH once in a while.

    I think if you walk away without really putting some effort into it, it would be a shame that if, in 6 months time, you realised you did love him, you were just a bit down because thngs weren't what you had hoped they would be.

    Just speaking from my own experience here, obviously only you can know the whole truth of it. For me, its at the stage where the both of us are quite busy now, and i really cherish the moments i get with my OH, compared to 5 yrs ago when I couldn't stand to see his face because that was all I ever saw.

    Best of luck


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 LegacyUser
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    OP, a common piece of advice in this forum is to simply dump people, move on, etc. etc. Most people offering this advice have probably been stung and their own experiences will affect the advice they give you. There's not half enough happy stories here, so it's completely imbalanced.

    Having a child completely changes the dynamic of a relationship. You're parents now, a family. It's harder to get times for romance, when you get to bed after making the bottles, tidying the house, making next days lunch, etc., you're tired and possibly just want to collapse to sleep. It can be so easy for all of the necessary things as parents to take over and lead to a loss of intimacy in a relationship. This does not mean that you should end the relationship.

    Myself and my OH have a baby who's nearly 2. There have been times in the last 2 years where it's felt like we just fight with each other constantly. In fits of anger, I've said to myself that if it wasn't for our baby, we wouldn't be together anymore. But, when I calm down, I know how ridiculous that is. We're a family, we have a huge responsibility to ourselves and to our child and the good times outweigh the bad 100 fold. We do everything we can to try and keep intimacy alive in the relationship. Granted while sex used to be most nights, it's now every 2 nights on average but it's an absolutely vital part of a relationship, as is kissing.

    Don't finish a perfectly happy 3 year relationship and split up your family just because of a lessening of the passion you used to have. Work at it, try to get that back, go on meals out together and rebuild that part of your relationship. You'll look back in 5 years time when you're still together and happy and know you made the right decision. Every long term relationship and marriage can go through phases like this, but only in today's culture are marriages and relationships seen as disposable if they're not perfect instead of something that needs to be looked after and nurtured every day to keep them strong.

    Best of luck OP, I hope you do the right thing.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9 angelwings86


    Thanks guys!! Those last couple of posts were helpful!! :)
    I think we just need to sit down and have a talk about this, I dont want to stay together for the sake of our child, but I dont think walking away is the best option either... Once I walk away i think the damage would be done and probably could never be undone..
    So I guess some things gotta change, like how we spend our time, intimacy (lack thereof), what we do as a family etc... it'll just take some time to sort it all out and to try get some semblance of normality back again...
    Hopefully...


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