Is there really such thing as true love or happy marriages?

LegacyUser

Hi, Im 19 and I know you might say I am too young to be asking these sort of questions but believe me I have been through enough to make me too mature at this age.I read the posts on this about affairs,unhappy marriages , cheating blah blah and I wonder does anyone out there actually still love there partner and not in a friendship way an actual romantic way?

seriously ,Like Im going with someone now and to be honest I love him and well all the things I read today just makes me wonder is going wit someone etc worth it?

beks101

That's the scary thing about romantic love - it's not as unconditional as the love most people would have for say their family members by virtue of the fact that they are flesh and blood...

It can just end, abruptly, or it can fade into nothing. It can also change from overwhelming passion into passionate hate faster than you know.

But it can also grow stronger and become unconditional as two people grow together and realise that their lives wouldn't be the same without their partner. You just hear less about these happy stories, especially in PI and RI as by their nature they reveal the troubled side of relationships.

To be honest OP this is something I think about quite often myself and I'm a few years older than you. I wonder if I believe in love at all, I've heard and witnessed and personally experienced so many disaster stories.

But what I would say to you is just think about the alternative. Is it worth not ever taking the gamble, shutting yourself off from the opposite sex and living the rest of your life alone? Never walking into a room or a bar or visiting another country or going to a party or even walking down the street and having the endless possibility of meeting someone who could change your life in the most exciting and breath-taking and life-affirming of ways?

You are quite young and to be a bit grim, although realistic, for a second, there's a strong chance you have a bit of heartbreak ahead of you. Hell we all do. But you live and learn from these things, you become a bit more cautious and learn how to spot warning signs a bit earlier, learn how to take your time building up trust with someone instead of diving in headfirst, learn about what your boundaries are and what's important for you in a relationship. You cope, you move on and learn to love again. People do it every day. Hopefully the love is stronger next time round but there's no guarantee, you'll just always have to take that gamble.

Live for the moment, that would be my advice to you. Stay true to your emotions and feelings in the moment that you feel them, be honest and not ashamed to express them, because really that's what living is all about.

Darlughda

Well, it is true that romantic love is a fabricated ideal created around the 12th century, courtly love etc and the romantic notions idealiased in Hollyood have their roots in this ideal.

However, in those times marriages were purely political or land/property deals between father and husband to be. Often the bride was 14, as was the usual age for marriage then, right up until recent times, however it is paedophialia nowadays.

Having said that the overwhelming elements of being in love have been evident in all texts and stories as far as we know them.

I do think it is very hard to keep that spark alive as the years go by, but nonetheless, there do seem to be many people who are very, very happy with their partner, no matter how many years they have spent together.

Taltos

OP - if you are hoping to find stories of true love and monogomy then you are not reading the right forum.

Love like anything else valuable has to be protected and worked on constantly. Problems can start when we take things / people for granted. We all want to feel loved and special - but you know sometimes people are just people and have off days. The key is not to let those days where you are in a slump define your relationship - but instead just let that person you are with know that they are the most important person in the world to you - not always in words but maybe in little gestures - a cup of coffee in the morning - a hug when you see them a bit down. A random text telling them you love them.

At 19 though you are still changing and developing as a person, I am not the same person I was at 25 and am totally different (thank gawd) to who I was when I was 19. At that point I was really being led by raging hormones and the belief that I knew all there was to know. But you know we all gotta make our own mistakes. Try to have fun and if you are with the person now you want to spend the rest of your life with - it is critical you keep working on that relationship as you both continue to grow and develop.

Best of luck.
T

StarryMoon0

I've often had similar thoughts. At 24 I believed in love wholeheartedly, then got burned badly and have spent years thinking its a load of rubbish.
However, I have just gone through a few really bad years with my husband, and we separated. We are now back together and working really hard on it, and I find that I am believeing in love again.

For every bad story you hear, there are 10 good ones, but people rarely come on here to post about how great life is

Its so easy to hear all the bad and let it get to you.

The one thing that always makes me smile is being out and about, and seeing an elderly couple holding hands. I just think its fantastic! A few months ago I was out for lunch and sitting next to a couple in thier 80's I'd say. The wife was speaking, and the husband was looking at her like she was the centre of his world, like she was the most beautiful thing he had ever saw. The tenderness and emotion in his face almost made me cry!

So yes, there is such a thing

Oryx

Couples do survive and stay solidly in love, yes. Many dont and those are the ones you hear about, but I know plenty of couples who are or were married as much as 50 years, and looking at them, youd still envy everything they have with each other.

But the thing is, they will have gone through the wringer at times. Had the screams and rows and tears and bust ups. Romantic love and passion does change to a quieter kind of unity, but with love still very much there, and that will change for you in any ltr you have. You have to accept it, and that acceptance is what keeps solid couples together. That, and forgiveness, because in the course of a life, we all fcuk up.

A lot of the time, the people within a relationship change, and that change pulls them apart. But thats the risk you take.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

Just wanted to hop in and say YES romantic love exists, I've been in love twice. The first time ended because ultimately we weren't compatible but I don't regret that love, I learned alot from it. The second time is with my current OH, he is the most wonderful man in the world, loving, supportive, kind and caring and quite frankly I would die for him, he's the centre of my universe and I'm the centre of his. Don't keep reading boards, it will depress you, people don't come on here to say "wow I'm so glad I'm in love, everythings great". People only come here when the **** has hit the fan and they need straight talking and some support. Please don't give up on love at the age of 19 because of Boards!!! I promise you it exists, quite alot actually, I have friends that are madly in love with the partners who they've been with for a decade or more. Love is awesome, fills your soul with happiness and makes you feel like no matter what's happening in your life you'll be ok because you have someone to catch you. Now go over to afterhours for some light hearted reading, don't stay here and become a synic!!!!

Best of luck.

Beruthiel

My parents are together nearly 50 years. They have been through thick and thin, care greatly for each other, are each others best friend and lover and get on like a house on fire.
If I manage to have the same as them, I'd consider myself a very lucky woman.
Love exists, just not in the way Hollywood would have you believe.

Ickle Magoo

Of course true love and happy marriages exist - plenty of them, they just aren't as newsworthy as car-crash relationships or as emotive as cheating or being dumped so they plod merrily along in relative silence while all the issues that can crop up in relationships and the horror stories people have to recant keep flowing.

My grandparents were together for over 50 yrs, my parents still going strong after nearly 30 years and I'm still a newbie after 10. Happy people in love and working out their issues certainly exist, you just have less reason to hear about them.

Squiggler

Not to mention the fear of being accused of being "smug" that prevents happily married and very much in love (and loved) people form talking about it much

I was priviledged to grow up with some adopted grandparents who were a wonderful example. They were married for almost 70 years and I don't think I ever saw them together when they weren't arm in arm, or hand in hand. They had 4 children together, and their fair share of problems, but they had complete trust for one another and reliance on one another. No matter what they faced they faced it together and even when all they had was each other they behaved like the luckiest people in the world, and I think they may well have been. Sadly both are dead now. She died in her mid 90's and he passed earlier this year at 104. I think the love they had for each other contributed a lot to their longevity.

Zen65

justwondering? wrote: »

I read the posts on this about affairs,unhappy marriages , cheating blah blah and I wonder does anyone out there actually still love there partner and not in a friendship way an actual romantic way?

Op, when you read the problem pages, you find people telling stories about their problems. What else would you expect?

If it reassures you at all I'm married for over 20 years (to the same woman). We've never cheated on each other, we still love each other, the relationship is very close and (some days) passionate.

And we're not even unusual.

Be at peace,

Z

Sound Bite

Honestly OP, I dont know but what I do know is that when you're in love and everything is going well there is no greater feeling in the world & likewise, when everything is falling apart there is no greater hurt.

That said, it's worth the risk, every time.

jimmycrackcorm

The reality is that after you are married a number of years, your relationship becomes a lot different than the honeymoon / in love period experienced at the start. The reason we actually have marriage is to make it difficult for two people to abandon their relationship when times are tough. Think about it - if love was such a strong concept then why bother getting married at all - you could just commit to staying together by choice. So instead we recognize that it is rare to have this always-in-love relationship and compromise the reality by having a framework to protect relationships.

As my mother once put it. My Da was a good husband - when he came home she made sure his dinner was on the table, he ate his dinner and never complained once if it was burnt. That's the reality; it doesn't mean that people in a relationship are unhappy - they simly are very content with their situation and the company and that's sufficient. It's just a world apart from the rush of puppy love.

metrovelvet

YEs it does. I haven't come across it too often though. My grand uncle and his late wife were the example I had in my life of it. They had a great marriage. They couldn't have children which greatly saddened them but they had each other.

They were of that generation that didn't divorce over a dream deferred. I think nowadays if it turns out one of you can't have children the other one will think thats grounds for divorce and leave to pursue the dream.

I think their generation were better at acceptance. I've never seen what they had in their marriage in any of my contemporaries.

Ickle Magoo

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

The reality is that after you are married a number of years, your relationship becomes a lot different than the honeymoon / in love period experienced at the start. The reason we actually have marriage is to make it difficult for two people to abandon their relationship when times are tough. Think about it - if love was such a strong concept then why bother getting married at all - you could just commit to staying together by choice. So instead we recognize that it is rare to have this always-in-love relationship and compromise the reality by having a framework to protect relationships..

How long have you been married Jimmy? :P I don't think what you say is true at all. I know plenty of couples who don't view marriage as an apathetic endurance test and are still very much in love. That a honeymoon period ever has to end is entirely up to the parties in that relationship to make the effort - it has nothing to do with marriage changing a relationship or being necessary to keep a relationship going well after the fires have burnt out.

iguana

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Think about it - if love was such a strong concept then why bother getting married at all - you could just commit to staying together by choice.

At which point your next of kin would still be your biological family and when your lover is seriously ill in hospital you don't have the right to be with them. We have marriage because it is a way of making an unrelated person into our legally recognised closest family member. Because romantic love is such a strong concept that it can supersede the love we have for those who raised us and grew up with us.

I want to be with the man I love because I love him, because even when our relationship is at it's worst it's still better than being apart. I'm married to him because I want our legal status to reflect the reality of our lives. We have a UK civil marriage, we could end it in 9 months if we really wanted to. But it would take a lot longer than 9 months for me to stop loving my husband or wanting to share my life with him.

IrishEyes19

I hope it's real, because like many other's I've been burnt before when I least expected it, and as the saying goes, "kissing frogs before you meet prince charming still stands," But I'm nearly giving up hope too. I get what the OP is saying. Putting effort into something just to get rejected is really hard to get up on your feet and start again!

princeofparma

There is true love and there are happy marriages but they take constant work and effort to maintain. The most important thing is being totally honest and telling your partner or spouse absolutely everything - work, social or sexual problems. Having absolutely no taboos or secrets is the ultimate way to build trust. Talking, talking, talking is what it is all about.

seenitall

iguana wrote: »

At which point your next of kin would still be your biological family and when your lover is seriously ill in hospital you don't have the right to be with them. We have marriage because it is a way of making an unrelated person into our legally recognised closest family member. Because romantic love is such a strong concept that it can supersede the love we have for those who raised us and grew up with us.

I want to be with the man I love because I love him, because even when our relationship is at it's worst it's still better than being apart. I'm married to him because I want our legal status to reflect the reality of our lives. We have a UK civil marriage, we could end it in 9 months if we really wanted to. But it would take a lot longer than 9 months for me to stop loving my husband or wanting to share my life with him.

The word "concept" being key. Meaning in the modern world that is often not the reality on the ground any more. All love is conditional to a degree (perhaps debatable in case of parents' love for their offspring), but romantic love is the most conditional of all. If certain conditions aren't met, the "strong concept" will more often than not change its parameters and/or cease to exist. A high percentage of divorces, followed by the decline of marriage in the Western world, is the reality of that strong concept.

Kimono-Girl

princeofparma wrote: »

There is true love and there are happy marriages but they take constant work and effort to maintain. The most important thing is being totally honest and telling your partner or spouse absolutely everything - work, social or sexual problems. Having absolutely no taboos or secrets is the ultimate way to build trust. Talking, talking, talking is what it is all about.

Have to 100% agree with this!

it is hard work to maintain a good relationship but its totally worth the effort, and honesty really is the best policy even when its not what they want to hear!

its what we've built our relationship on and 2 years on we are as happy as we were they day we met, early days yet but it is the longest, most loving and happiest relationship i've ever had!