How to discuss your past with a partner

LegacyUser

Hey, I'll try keep this short.

how do you break it to a partner that you've got a "traumatic" past? I'm scarred pretty badly from SI (haven't hurt myself in several years) and I have some issues pertaining to being abused.

How would I broach this subject with a guy because it'd have to be early enough into the relationship as he'd see the scars if we were to have sex. I've never had to do it before because I've only had one long term partner, which lasted the several years since this stuff happened and he was a friend first so knew about it already.

Aside from wanting to know how to even broach the subject, how in the heck do I do it in a way that won't have him running for the hills?!

redhed35

for me,i think trust is more the issue then sex.

do you trust him to tell him,do you know enough about him to tell him your past?

i was burned when i was younger,i have severe scaring on my back breasts and upper legs,i never felt the need to explain my scars,and if i was with a guy he never said' hell no' when we were naked.

being confident in your body shines through any scar or body shape.

a confident women is attractive.

what would concern me about your post is the delicate nature of the emotional scars,not the physical.

when your ready,when you trust him,when your sure.

thats when you tell him.

Warrior Monk

I agree with Redhed35, she has provided great advice

Sanjuro

Hi, OP. I can speak from the other end of your issue. I had a girlfriend who had scars from a traumatic experience in her younger years. Before we ever got down to anything, she explained to me what had happened, just so that I wouldn't freak out. Not that she owed me any explaination, but I'm pretty sure a question or two would have come up. Anyway, it gave me time to process the information. To be honest, I had a problem with how it happened rather than the scars themselves. I didn't handle it amazingly, but never the less, we got past it and had a brilliant time.

All I can say really, is be honest. If your partner is mature enough, he or she will take the information on board and deal with it. At the end of the day, you're with somebody because of who they are. Not what they are. It's all about trust. And your partner's reaction will speak volumes about how much to trust them. Best of luck!

LegacyUser

I know how you feel as I also have some bad scarring from self harming in the past. I don't think you have to worry about it though as most people would be respectful at the start of a relationship.

I know with my boyfriend I talked to him about it after several months into the relationship and he told me he had noticed but didn't think it was right to ask as he knew I'd tell him if I wanted to. I'd say most guys would know it's personal and wait for you to explain when you feel you can trust them

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice everyone. The thing is, lots of people have sex before trust kicks in. For me, a serious relationship is not necessary for there to be sex and while I may trust a guy from the start to not cheat on me, I'm most likely NOT going to be in a position where I trust him implicitly within a month or so in the relationship and there's every chance sex would come up by then, you know? See, I'm not ashamed in any way of my scars or how they happened. I'm proud because the fact that they're scars as opposed to wounds proves I'm stronger now than I was then. But I don't want to wait til I trust a guy implicitly because let's face it, the poor guy might end up having to wait a year before I sleep with him if that's the case :P

I just don't want to strip off and whatever and have a look of shock or incredulation on his face. Aside from that, I have some "issues" because of the abuse. Nothing that prevents me from having a full, varied sex life, but sometimes I can have a flashback during sex and really, what guy wants to have a girl push him off (or jump off herself depending on the position :P ) during sex, with no explanation as to why?

I don't tell many people at all about what happened to me, but I think that because of my situation, I need to be upfront as soon as possible really. And I have NO clue how to say it to a guy. I don't give a **** if he deals with it badly or even if he is an ass and tells everyone. I can handle that end of things. It's just how I approach telling him really. I mean, I don't WANT him to back off thinking I'm a nutter, but I could deal with that. I just have NO clue how to tell him because frankly, I'd be pretty freaked out if I were dating a chick and she told me a week or two into the relationship that she'd been abused. I'd be supportive, but I'd freak.

Novella

Tbh, I wouldn't go pouring your heart out to a guy who you've only been seeing for a short time. If you're not yet comfortable enough to talk to him about your scars etc., maybe you're also not comfortable enough to be having sex?

Would he definitely notice if you did have sex? I mean, what if it was dark? And he's not very likely to notice and suddenly say, "OMG, what happened to you?" so I wouldn't really worry about it.

If you feel you'd rather explain before having sex though, you're just going to have to say it to him and if he does run for hills, then obviously he's not the right guy for you.

SheRa

Novella wrote: »

Tbh, I wouldn't go pouring your heart out to a guy who you've only been seeing for a short time. If you're not yet comfortable enough to talk to him about your scars etc., maybe you're also not comfortable enough to be having sex?

Huge +1. There can be a happy medium between sleeping together after a month and waiting a year til you trust them. How about just waiting a few weeks or even a few month more.