Spending weekend at her parents...

Copper23

Hi all,
Quick question.

I don't know if I'm being a bit unreasonable or not but here it goes.

I've been seeing a girl for about 3 months. We both live and work away from home and met here.
I have a long weekend this weekend, no work Monday and she recently told me her friend had a wedding and asked if I would like to come. I said sure, sounded like fun and she mentioned that as shed be near home I could meet her parents.
Thats cool I thought, nice way to get to know her friends and say hello to the family.

As it turns out the wedding was postponed a few weeks but she still thought she'd head home over the weekend and asked if I'd come stay the night at her parents. Was a little nervous but I agreed as it'd make her happy. Its not something I've done before but it was just one night and I'd get to meet her friends and family..ok, could be a good thing.

Anyway, now its turned into 3 nights fri, sat and sun and leaving later monday. Once I'd agreed to meeting them and then staying a night it just kind of spiralled into a whole weekend without really asking me so it was kind of presumed it was ok with me.

To be honest I'm unbelievably nervous, meeting her family would be nice but spending almos 4 days in their house when I don't know them to me is a bit scary. In the past the first meeting of a girls parents usually mean a grilling and being treated like public enemy number 1 until they warm to you a bit, so the idea of meeting them was good but staying so long in their home on first meeting seems a bit excessive.

On top of that I kinda presumed I'd sleep on the couch but she's insisting I sleep with her. Again, its my first meeting of her parents and 3 months, although we're close, 3 months isn't a lifetime, I don't think I'd bring a girl to spend 3 nights in my own room back home after 3 months, in dating terms, its not a lifetime.

Her sister has already expressed her disapproving of me staying in her room, she said her dad is ok with it but she also jokes about what a hard ass he is and how hard a time he gives boyfriends. I can understand but again thats why I thought meeting them might break the ice with them until i met them more.

Spending so long in their house and sleeping in my girls room seems like over stepping boundaries but she insists its ok and I'm welcome there. I know she's probably keen to have her family meet me which is nice but I don't know, this seems overwhelming.

On top of that she has a bunch of dogs. I'm ok with dogs but I know they are very protective of their homes and often get snappy with new comers and I'm never the best around dogs barking and snapping at me.

Then theres the thing where she's insisting I bring swimming clothes to spend in their pool. I'm not a big guy but I'm not exactly Mr 6-pack... I don't usually like stripping off around others let alone walking around her house in swim trunks when I dont even know the people.

I know it all sounds stupid but it's a bit overwhelming and it's a good bit out of my comfort zone.

Am I being unreasonable feeling this way? Does it seem a bit much or do people think its fine after a 3 month relationship? To me 3 months has not usually been a long time in a relationship and I'm still getting to now th person somewhat.

What do people think?

finbarrk

Just stay for one night maybe.

Ickle Magoo

How about you tell her how you feel - and ask that you stay for only one night and ask that it be on the couch...that's your stipulations for going with her.

Don't let her browbeat you out your comfort zone.

SomeFool

Just tell your girlfriend you'd be happier just to stay the one night and outline the reasons why, should be no problem if she's someway understanding!

Copper23

Well thats the thing... she doesn't live here... If I'm going its an all or nothing thing really, she wants to stay the weekend but I'd already agreed to go.

It just spiralled from a meeting to 3 nights in their house.

Ickle Magoo

You'd agreed to one night, is there any reason why she can't go for the weekend and you join them for one night? If it's becoming too much then tell her that it's all getting a bit full on and she should go on her own if she wants to spend the weekend...

Improbable

I dont think you're being unreasonable at all. You should talk to her about how you feel.

How are you getting there? Bus, train, car are all options in case you want to meet up with them for one night while she stays for the three days. Would also give her time to butter them up a bit, especially if the dad is a toughie.

The most important thing is probably to tell her how you feel and unless she's completely unreasonable, she won't mind you not coming along if arriving/leaving separately is an insurmountable problem.

Taltos

I would be worried too.

It is one thing going for 1 night - you will just be meeting them - but for 3 nights - my worst nightmare. Do what you can, make up whatever excuse you can - plans already in place and get out of there on Sat afternoon.

In terms of sleeping with your GF - unsure of your ages - or more importantly here dad - but is there a small chance she like rubbing his nose in things? Maybe if you were together longer than 3 mts - you know sharing a house and all that - but you are right - this will immediately put you in his bad books - well almost certainly.

Stick to your guns. Let her know you care for her - but it is NOT her house - and you want to respect her parents - give them a chance to get to know you better before tackling that topic... "You F*cking with MY daughter..."

petethebrick

Don't see the big deal to be honest. Have the rest of her family made you feel uncomfortable? Are you not having a good time there? If so then make some excuse and leave.
But if not then why give a **** about what her family thinks about you staying in her room - that's her problem to deal with.
I say let your hair down a little and enjoy a weekends craic in the local pubs etc As long as you're having fun and she is too then to hell with 'the right thing to do'

Ickle Magoo

petethebrick wrote: »

As long as you're having fun and she is too then to hell with 'the right thing to do'

That's not a very mature attitude when dealing with her family in her families home, tbh...

Penn

No matter how long you stay, i think it's important that you tell your girlfriend that you want to sleep on the couch. You sleeping on the couch shows you have respect and maturity, which is bound to help with how her folks respond to you

seamus

Exactly as everyone else has said, stick as much as you can within your comfort zone and insist on it.

Your girlfriend knows that everything will go fine - she knows her family inside-out, which is why it can be hard for her to understand why you wouldn't want to spend 4 days with them.

Just explain to her that 4 days is a bit much when you're already very nervous about it, I'm sure she'll understand. Between you, you can just come up with some excuse about having to work, or having to go to a friend's party or something. When you get there, you can always change your mind if you find yourself very relaxed and having a good time.

The fact that her father is OK with you sleeping in her bed, and she feels that 4 days is no big deal, says to me that you have very little to worry about here. On the sleeping thing, again do what you find comfortable. If you think you'd feel more comfortable sleeping the couch, then insist on it.

Paulyh

Copper23 wrote: »

she's insisting I bring swimming clothes to spend in their pool.

DONT bring speedo's!!!

CluelessGirl

Watch Meet the Parents.....It can not be as bad as that!

Surely this day and age couples can share a bed together and not be married.........My partner always sleeps in my bed.

Try not to worry and be anxious just go along with it and if you are uncomfortable just leave.

It will probably be a great weekend so enjoy it.

coffee_cake

CluelessGirl wrote: »

Surely this day and age couples can share a bed together and not be married.........My partner always sleeps in my bed.

Share a bed, yes. Share a bed in the parents' house on the first night of meeting said parents after only seeing the girl for 3 months... no.

Neyite

your girlfriend might be dead wrong about her parents reaction - how awkward would you feel then?

take along a sleeping bag. even if the parents are cool with you sharing a bed, they will think you are a nice guy for not making the assumption that you are going into your girlfriends room. = earning you brownie points with them.

take your cue from the parents when you arrive. if they put you in the same room fine. if not, let them know you came prepared for solo sleeping. if you still dont feel comfortable sharing a bed and they are ok with it, dont be afraid to ask to use the couch instead.

my uber catholic mum really shocked us when we all landed home one weekend with the other halves and she had us coupled up in our own rooms. yet 5 years before, she made my sister and hubby sleep apart - and they were getting married a few days after!

err on the side of caution and it will be fine. also say that you are 'on call' for work that weekend, and you might get called away early. if you want to leave at any point, thats your exit strategy. if you end up having a nice time, then you can stay and no one will think it weird.

and yeah, no speedos:D

lizzie09

Three months is bit toooo soon to sleep in her bed on your first
home visit...does she have a mum? Cant imagine what the scenario
would be like!

At three months it likely you may not be together forever so I would
stand back a bit and maybe go the one night but sleep downstairs

Dont know how many dads would welcome a lad into their daughters
bed like that man seems to!:)

lfp

Ok man, this thing is getting very messy, very quickly.

3 days/3 nights in the girlfriends parents gaff is hard going. When I visited the gaff of my now wifes parents it was for 2 days/2 nights and we were going out a lot longer than 3 months. It was hard going, not the same as a "meeting them at a family do" or "calling over for a dinner some day/evening". It's full on and stressful. My now inlaws are lovely people and were very nice to me, but you are still under the microscope, no doubt about that.

Other posters are right, she might think her Dad is ok with ye sharing a bed, but you grabbing the couch is a defo sign of respect. Now, this leads me onto an issue. You want to sleep on the couch, to show her parents respect - she want's you in bed - will she be annoyed with this???? I can imagine her comment - "who are you trying to impress?"

Also, this thing going from 1 night to 3 nights is a little bit much from your girlfriend. I don't and never have believed in playing games in relationships or having power contests, but, you giving in on this type of thing does leave her very dominant. If you did the same sort of ambush on her (even if there were no intentions behind it - "just not thinking"), would she go along so easily???

Good luck man - you are going to need it, however this plays out.

cheesey1

lizzie09 wrote: »

Three months is bit toooo soon to sleep in her bed on your first
home visit...does she have a mum? Cant imagine what the scenario
would be like!

At three months it likely you may not be together forever so I would
stand back a bit and maybe go the one night but sleep downstairs

Dont know how many dads would welcome a lad into their daughters
bed like that man seems to!:)

I know its not quite the same but my ex and I went to a wedding that my parents were also attending and we shared a room and had only been dating 3 months at the time and my Dad also paid for our hotel room. I'm sure they knew weren't playing cards when we went up that night.

I wouldn't worry to much about it, if you are that uncomfortable with it just don't get up to any busy and maybe make plans with your girlfriend for during the day so you are out of the house, go see some sights around where she lives and maybe meet up with her friends.

Monkey61

I find the not wanting to share a bed with her thing a bit weird. I would be terribly insulted if a partner refused to share a bed with me, in my own family's house when they came to stay - it would probably be a total weekend ruiner to be honest, being away with someone for days and not going to sleep with them,waking up with them etc. Fair enough if you were both under 18 - but you're not.

I really don't see where "respect" or making a good impression comes into it. You are two adults in a relationship and unless the parents are horrendously religious, then there is nothing remotely "disrespectful" about sharing a bed in her house. She has already told you that it's cool - do you not trust her to know her own mind?

Personally I think it sounds like great craic - who wouldn't want to spend a couple of days away with their girlfriend, meeting new people that are important to her, hearing stories about her etc. You wouldn't have been invited if they thought it was weird. And if it is horrendous for whatever reason, you can just leave. You are an adult. Her parents are adults. You are equals and don't have to be intimidated or see them as superior beings.

IzzyWizzy

Monkey61 wrote: »

I find the not wanting to share a bed with her thing a bit weird. I would be terribly insulted if a partner refused to share a bed with me, in my own family's house when they came to stay - it would probably be a total weekend ruiner to be honest, being away with someone for days and not going to sleep with them,waking up with them etc. Fair enough if you were both under 18 - but you're not.

Many, many parents are funny about their kids sleeping with bfs/gfs under their roof. I always feel very awkward when I share a bed with my boyfriend at his parents' house, they only recently allowed it, and he's 27.

I really don't see where "respect" or making a good impression comes into it. You are two adults in a relationship and unless the parents are horrendously religious, then there is nothing remotely "disrespectful" about sharing a bed in her house. She has already told you that it's cool - do you not trust her to know her own mind?

My parents aren't horrendously religious, or religious at all, and I wouldn't even ask them about sharing a bed with my bf. They're from a time when it wasn't done, full stop and it makes them uncomfortable. And the girl may know her own mind, but could easily be mistaken about how 'cool' her parents are. I don't think OP is overreacting at all.

Copper23

Thanks for the replies.

I've probably taken the wusses way out and took the advice to say I'm on call this weekend and told he I'd come down early on sunday to spend the one night if that was ok with her.

I know some people will disagree but this is the first time I'm meeting her parents. I think meeting them is enough the first time, I don't think spending 4 entire days in their house is good. Even spending 4 days going back to my own parents house seems a lot, the first day is fun but after 4 the novelty has worn off and its not easy, I don't know these people yet. I think this lenght of time was excessive.

I'm trying to put myself in my girls shoes but I have to say this isn't something I could do in my own house, my own parents wouldn't fancy it, let alone a girl I just started seeing to sleep to be around for days and sleeping with me, and to be honest I'd have felt asking her to spend so much time with my parents as asking a lot of everyone involved, my parents and her. I wouldnt do it personally. Even if I was with her longer a night is enough, its a grey area and is awkward.

As someone said, yes, I'm ma about the girl but its been 3 months, we're far from married, I just dont think this is appropriate.