Caring for a parent versus living one's own life?

Freiheit

Has anyone here faced that dilemna and if so were they able to resolve it or find a compromise? Mum is getting old, would hate to desert here, we are a team in many ways....but wouldn't be easy to fulfill my potential, at least living full-time where I am now...I know a support group or Counsellor would advise to live one's own life, which is true, but bonds sometimes run deep.

Annasopra

I think the Personal Issues forum is more relevant for this

Emme

Freiheit wrote: »

Has anyone here faced that dilemna and if so were they able to resolve it or find a compromise? Mum is getting old, would hate to desert here, we are a team in many ways....but wouldn't be easy to fulfill my potential, at least living full-time where I am now...I know a support group or Counsellor would advise to live one's own life, which is true, but bonds sometimes run deep.

It's a tricky one if there's nobody around to help you. I'm in a similar situation myself and have already made a few sacrifices. Weigh up the pros, the cons and be realistic about the effects it would have on your life and the practicalities involved in day to day caring and trying to have a life of your own. Counsellors do their best but IMHO (and I've talked to a few regarding this very issue) they don't really understand the situation unless they've been there themselves.

I don't know if you're male or female. If you're female it's nearly taken for granted that you'll take on the caring, but it's a huge sacrifice and if you don't have a large circle of friends/relatives you can keep in touch with you're setting yourself up for an initially lonely time when your Mum eventually goes. As regards not being able fulfil your potential if you look after your Mum, only you can make the choice about that and decide if you are willing to make that sacrifice.

I will say one thing, you have to look after your own physical and mental health (make it a priority even though it sounds selfish) because if you're not in the full of your health you're no good to your Mum or yourself.

PM me if you want to talk more. Good luck.

grrrrrrrrrr

A state nursing home wouldnt be so bad?

The way I see it if I had a kid I'd hate that they'd be sacrificing their life for me.

My parents would hate for me to give up my life.
Strike a balance, put them in a home and visit often. You'd be surprised the different friendships they'd make there and they do some good activities. Worth a try anyway

But all people are different and dono your family situation

Emme

grrrrrr, some elderly people don't want to go into a nursing home, particularly those in the country. The memory of the workhouse/county home hasn't gone away and there have been some reports recently of patients getting inadequate care in some nursing homes. There was a high-profile case in Dublin 6 a few years ago.

Ickle Magoo

Is there no other family or siblings that could help and give you some kind of compromise? Have you looked at sheltered housing or part-time care?

It's a horrible situation to face when you are quite young and have a lot of living still to do.

grrrrrrrrrr

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Is there no other family or siblings that could help and give you some kind of compromise? Have you looked at sheltered housing or part-time care?

It's a horrible situation to face when you are quite young and have a lot of living still to do.

Just one point here, it could put fierce pressure on your relations with these people!! Just keep that in mind! That said if your mother had a lot of property people could be fighting over minding her

Ickle Magoo

I think if it's a choice between fierce pressure on relations with people and being unable to function and have your own life, it's a bit of no-brainer, no?

grrrrrrrrrr

Not if there's an option C?!? Would the mother want to see fighting and stress between family members because of her? Doubt it! I wouldnt anyway..

Ickle Magoo

If the OP is posting because she's faced with the dilemma of caring for her mother Vs living her own life, then her mother is hardly pushing her out the door to live her own life. That said, OP, have you discussed how you feel with your mum?

How Strange

My grandad was absolutely opposed to going into a home. He wanted his family to look after him. There were 3 daughters and they split it up among them but the care was definitely 20/7 if not 24/7. It put a huge strain on all of them and their relationship with each other.

They arranged for respite occasionally and one time he went to the home for a week and despite himself he liked it and agreed to stay there permanently. He was used to sitting in his house all day by himself watching the clock for when someone was calling to give him his breakfast, lunch or dinner and then he was on his own all night. He got quite depressed living on his own. In the home he had company. Simple as for him.

People tend to get quite selfish as they get older and I could see this in my grandad. In some ways he started acting like a child, throwing tantrums when things didn't go his way or he didn't like the food they brought for him. He rarely showed any appreciation for what his daughters did for him although I'm sure he was quietly appreciative.

It wasn't a decision they all made lightly and it was made with my grandad's agreement but in the end, after a few years of constant care, it was a relief to them all and as I said he actually liked being in the home in a lot of ways.

No-one wants to put their parent in a home but sometimes it is a reality. I personally don't believe a child should have to sacrifice their own life to nurse an aged parent for the long term.

A compromise is home help I suppose if you can afford a combination of what the state provides and paying for a nurse.

Freiheit

Thanks all..yeah I've discussed it with Mum and she's very reasonable, she hasn't pretended that she wouldn't miss me hugely but would never stop me from living.....but that would hurt me a lot.......I'll continue to discuss things but unfortunate can't be omnipresent:rolleyes: