I feel cheated

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I need some advice. Have been with OH for 6 years, living together 4 years. About a year after we got together we had a talk one night and i told him about a medical condition i have which means i will have trouble having a baby. I told him that trying for a child in our mid twenties was a deal breaker for me and that if he is not ok with that then we will have to go our separate ways. he told me that wouldnt be an issue as he has always wanted children and he wanted to have them with me.

Now we are both 27 and i over the past few years he has made excuse after excuse as to why he doesnt want to try for a child. its never the right time for him. he says he is ready for a child but i really dont think he is. I dont want to try force him or push him into something he is not ready for which is why i only bring it up every few months.

I dont know what to do. I love him and couldnt imagine my life without him but i am afraid that i will start to resent him. I have always wanted to have at least one child in my twenties and we both want to have 3 children.

Im afraid that my time will run out. if it takes a couple of years to conceive each child (which it probably will) and i only have one child then i'll be devastated. or worse still, i never have a child and i have to live with the fact that we didnt give it our best shot I think i'll resent him forever. i told him this about a year ago and nothing has changed. I feel i was honest with him from the start but im starting to feel a little cheated.

advice please

Des Carter

Hey OP
sounds like your in a very tough situation.
I mean if he agrees to have a child just to please you he might end up resenting you. while if he doesnt you might end up resenting him.

If he doesnt want to have a child and you do one of you will have to change your mind or come to some compromise cause if ye cant I really dont see much hope for the relationship.

Its like you going to Cork and him going to Belfast yet ye want to take the same bus. It just wont happen

Des Carter

sunflower27 wrote: »

You need to make it known to him that you believe you are being fobbed off with excuses and that children is a dealbreaker for you. You say you spoke to him last year, were you totally honest about how you felt? If you were and he's ignored it, I'd say say it again but make it clear that you wont be waiting another year. He probabaly thinks you wont leave so he can hold out longer.

I totally disagree I think going up to your partner of 6 years and saying "I want a baby within a year or Im leaving you" is not a smart move as it doesnt exactly express how much he means to you.

Having a child IS A BIG DEAL I mean your bringing another human being into the world and although this is brilliant it will put a considerable financial and emotional strain on your relationship with your OH.

The point is ye both have to be 100% commited to the decision as if your not it isnt fair to the child or each other and giving him an ultimatum will only make him resent you, even if it is a dealbreaker. In that if you leave he will think you were only using him for his sperm and if he decides to have a child he will think you forced him into it which isnt something you want.

However if it is a dealbreaker or even if its just important YOU NEED TO TALK TO HIM and not just a quick little chat or in a way that your pressuring him. Just a long heart to heart about your feeling and where you want your life to go.

LegacyUser

God it's a tough situation OP, I understand why you might feel cheated, the only thing I can suggest is that you have a heart to heart with your partner, don't hold back and hopefully he will be honest with you too, after that I think maybe a bit of time apart would do you both good, maybe even a week/2 weeks holiday or even stay with a friend, if you want to try for a baby that is not going to change but maybe a couple of weeks apart will make him realise that he does want a baby with you or might make you realise that you can wait another couple of years, Best of luck whatever happens!

S23

If it is that big a deal for you to have a set number of children then I think you need to sit down and have it out with your partner once and for all.

Maybe he does want to have kids with you but he's still a young man. Just because you would 'be devestated if you only had one child' doesn't mean he feels the same.

Personally I find the whole 'I want to have x kids or else' or 'I have to have at least x kids by the time I'm xx years old' absolutely fcuking bizzare.

Its like kids are a commodity. The ultimate accessory and people have to a certain amount of them by a set time. I know my thinking goes against the grain but I really do find it bizarre.

However, everyone is entitled to their own life and can want and desire whatever they choose. Maybe your paths are starting to diverge in this respect. Bringing another human life (lives) onto the face of the planet is a very big thing and it may not be something he is willing to get into now if he's not 100% committted to it. It would be remiss of him to go ahead with it just for the sake of not breaking up with you.

Anyway a very open and honest heart to heart is required here. You might not get the answers that you want but at least you will know where you stand after

Chinafoot

S23 wrote: »

Personally I find the whole 'I want to have x kids or else' or 'I have to have at least x kids by the time I'm xx years old' absolutely fcuking bizzare.

In fairness, the OP has had medical issues that could impact on her having children and she has her best chances by trying in her 20s. She said herself it could take years. Its not as simple as "I want this amount by this time." It seems to be more a case of "If it's to happen at all, we need to start trying now." Her boyfriend has said he wants three. When exactly does he propose they start trying for these 3 babies? Unlike him, she doesn't have all the time in the world in order to get there.

OP, you have made your feelings clear and you are together a long time. It's time to piss or get off the pot. The only thing you can do is make it very clear to him that this is an absolute deal breaker for you. Sit him down and have a very frank conversation and lay all your cards on the table. Allowing him to make excuses could result in you missing your chances.

Best of luck.

S23

No I completely agree. The OP is in a different situation. She may, if she wants kids at all, have to get a move on. I recognise that.

The comment was a little off topic and I apoligise. Its just something I find a bit weird in general.

Anyway, you need to talk to him. He may know your situation and he may love the OP dearly but he still may not be ready to have kids. Its just a distinct possibility

ash23

Op, sorry to hear you are going through this. Its a tough one really.

I was in the same position (aside from the medical condition). I had a baby when I met my ex and I always made it clear (once we were serious and living together) that I wanted more around the time she started school.

Each year he fobbed me off. First we needed to get settled (we were moving around), so we did. Then we needed to buy a house. So we did. Then it was "in 6 months" and 6 months would pass and he'd want another 6 months. By the time my daughter was 5 the issue had destroyed our relationship.

We had a massive fight one night and the following day he TEXTED me and said "I don't want children now and I don't think I ever will".

We stayed plugging away at it but that issue along with others meant the relationship ended.
He's with someone else now, she's a lot younger than him, his theory being that by the time she wants kids he might. From the way he treats my daughter, I see nothing has really changed in terms of how he feels about kids (inconvenience).


You said in your OP that it's a dealbreaker and you're right, it is.
You can't have half a baby, there is no compromise. You want one, he doesn't. Not at the moment anyway. Maybe he never will.

So you need to decide what to do. Wait and hope he changes his mind or leave him and find someone else who wants children now.

Only you can decide what you want to do.

LegacyUser

It's obvious, OP, that you having a baby has a much higher priority than you establishing a life with your boyfriend. It does sound you are looking for
1. A sperm donor
and
2. A life partner.

If that was me, I'd see myself as being nothing more than an accessory to what you want.

You may want a child, but there is an obligation on you to consider what your prospective life-partner wants/feels, etc.

If it's a deal-breaker, then go elsewhere, and don't either of you be messing each other around.

Chinafoot

bananaRep wrote: »

It's obvious, OP, that you having a baby has a much higher priority than you establishing a life with your boyfriend. It does sound you are looking for
1. A sperm donor
and
2. A life partner.

If that was me, I'd see myself as being nothing more than an accessory to what you want.

I always find responses like this very interesting. If a woman says she absolutely 100% wants to have children and will leave her current partner if they don't feel the same, the automatic reaction from many is "you just want a sperm donor". Thats very unfair. Having children is a major priority for a lot of people and I don't get how you can't see that him not wanting the same things for their relationship means its not going to work out. Its not a case of being an "accessory", or a means to an end, it's a case of having two very, very different opinions on where the relationship should go. Why should making a life with someone who doesn't want children be a priority for someone who does want children?

bananaRep wrote: »

You may want a child, but there is an obligation on you to consider what your prospective life-partner wants/feels, etc.

And her prospective life partner has told her repeatedly that he does want to have a child with her. The issue is that he is fobbing her off with excuses and by the sounds of things not being very honest with her. At 27 the OPs boyfriend could feel he's a little too young to have a baby and thats ok, but he needs to tell her that instead of promising her the world and then giving her excuses when she wants him to act on those promises. He's not being fair on either of them.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Given you gave him early warning in the relationship I think you're well within your rights of the unwritten rules of relationships to give him an ultimatum.