long term relationship- wtf should i do?

LegacyUser

Heyall. I'm a long time user of boards but going unreg for this...

Ok, where to start. Basically I've been with my partner for 6 odd years now. When we got together, everything was great, we had a pretty damn good sex life, trying lots of new things, and just having fun. We fell in love, and have been together ever since.

But a few years ago, thigns started to go a bit weird, and eventually I found out that she had been sexually abused by a neighbour when she was a kid. Ever since then we've been trying to get through it, but its getting to a point now where I really don't know what to do, what's best for both of us.

We have sex less than once a year, there are so many rules about what i can and can't do (which I understand, I know that working through abuse isn't gonna just be handy dandy!), but I'm starting to feel like it's just NEVER going to end. It's really playing havoc with my self-esteem, tbh, and the sexual tension in my body just never goes away. I tend to chanel my stress into sexual desire rather than anger, but that's not exactly helping right now. My concentration is shot to hell, and really, I just need some closeness. My Mum passed away last year, and I really needed to de-stress myself, but nothing could happen.

Really what I'm hoping for is someone who might have been in the same situation, from either side, to come along and tell me their story, or something. I really don't want to loose her, but I don't want to loose myself, either. I'm getting to a point now where I find myself apologising for everything, for being attracted to her, for kissing her, for anything.

Anyone reckon it's going to get better, ever?

Kicks

Given that you started the relationship with a good sex life it seems like the fact that it came out about her being abused has made her relapse back into a bad place. Sounds like maybe she had put it behind her or only pushed it away without dealing with it properly.

Personally I think you both need to go to some counselling - I see that advice thrown out an awful lot on these forums about minuscule relationship issues but I really think it's needed for you guys. It would probably really help if she went to someone on her own as well because she'll need to get her own head sorted out about it all.

I hope you both get everything sorted.

Cheap Thrills!

I'd have to say I think you've gone WAY above and beyond the call of duty there. If things are that bad with her then she needs to be alone and not in a relationship until she works through her issues.

I sympathise with her to a point. But I also think she needs to be realistic too. If she is not in a position to be having a normal love life with you then she is being unfair on you and needs to let you go.

Sex less than once a year and you've been together 6 years....no way, that is just not a relationship.

Sorry, I think you should move on.

LegacyUser

I think it's a bit much to suggest breaking up over this....he loves her, obviously wants to help her and does not want to leave her.

counselling sounds like a good option - I don't know anyone who's gone through abuse, but I guess it takes a long time, but if help isn't sought, it'll be a case of going nowhere. you can't fix her, much as you try and want to, she needs someone with a background of experience and knowledge and it really is her responsibility now to try and put this behind her, she owes it to you, and herself, and her marriage.

in the meantime, living with someone with a lot of issues takes its toll on you and you have to accept that you need time yourself, and try not to feel guilty about this. having seen a close family member in your position, the worst thing for both of u is to continue as it is and try fix her, spend all ur energy and exhaust yourself in the process. helping is good - but u wont be much help if ur drained emotionally....maybe look at talking to someone, a close friend or family member to take some weight off ur shoulders, spend a few days away just by yourself or with some friends. she's been through some awful things, but u need to remember that u have to live for urself too, and find enjoyment, and bring that back to her and hopefully it will help both of you.

LegacyUser

Hey all, thanks for the replies...

I really, really don't want to break up, at all. I love her, plain and simple, but I want to be close, too. It's not just about sex, tbh, it's about closeness, and all that other stuff... actually feeling like someone fancies you, even, is a big deal that can be taken for granted...

I dunno, maybe it is time to take a break, as it were... not exactly sure what it'd acomplish though. I can't imagine being with someone else. We'd just be in love, but apart. Be weird.

einsam

Read your post, and you've just described my life. I'm in almost the exact same situation as you, but a bit worse (married with kids). Don't want to post it all, as it's too private, but if you want to PM me, I'll give you the details, of how destructive it can be and how I'm trying to cope.

Either way take care, and remember you're just as important in this relationship as she is.

miec

Hi Op

I am so sorry to hear about your situation and I will share my experience with you. To begin with a person can overcome the trauma of sexual abuse, or become a survivor of it. I was sexually abused for eight years and as an adult I was raped. The thing is I found is that I tried to put it behind me but I was fooling myself, this is not something you can just forget about or put on the back burner. It has affected my relationships, left me with crippling depression, etc, but I am coming out the other end now thank God. I had to get counselling and the best place for me was the Rape crisis centre, there are a number of them around the country. They offer counselling to the abused victim and their partners, because living with it is extremely difficult for the other half, as you are experiencing right now.

A loving relationship should include intimacy and your other half has to work through those issues and lose the controlling aspect of sex. I was very controlling as well and still struggle with it, but intimacy can be achieved and if she enjoyed it once, she can enjoy it again. I think it is only right and fair that you honestly tell her how you feel. It will be painful for her but she needs to know what she is dealing with. If she is a great person to be with and you want to be with her always then open the conversation with that but tell her how you are losing your confidence, feel unwanted etc and is there a chance that she can get help.

What also helped for me in getting some closure was going to the guards and social services, they are slow but eventually there was resolution from the social services with an unexpected but miraculous outcome and the guards situation is ongoing but I feel strong enough to handle it. I don't suggest your other half goes down this road yet but in time it may be something she could consider. The thing about abuse survivors is that their power was taken away and often we become over controlling as adults because of this but in actual fact we are rendered powerless by it. I discovered when I went down the legal route I felt genuinely empowered and I know of one woman in the past who did the same, and I recall her saying that for years she avoided sex with her husband and when she took her abuser to court, she came alive and was chasing him around the bedroom, so don't give up hope but action does need to be taken in terms of counselling.

Ickle Magoo

I think you have to be honest with her. You have to tell her how much you love her, how much you want to help and support her to get through her horrendous ordeal but that continuing with the status quo is not an option. You are not happy, you don't deserve to be punished for someone elses crimes...something has to change - for both her sake and yours, I hope that motivates her to get the help she obviously needs.

Best of luck.

Cheap Thrills!

miec wrote: »

Hi Op

I am so sorry to hear about your situation and I will share my experience with you. To begin with a person can overcome the trauma of sexual abuse, or become a survivor of it. I was sexually abused for eight years and as an adult I was raped. The thing is I found is that I tried to put it behind me but I was fooling myself, this is not something you can just forget about or put on the back burner. It has affected my relationships, left me with crippling depression, etc, but I am coming out the other end now thank God. I had to get counselling and the best place for me was the Rape crisis centre, there are a number of them around the country. They offer counselling to the abused victim and their partners, because living with it is extremely difficult for the other half, as you are experiencing right now.

A loving relationship should include intimacy and your other half has to work through those issues and lose the controlling aspect of sex. I was very controlling as well and still struggle with it, but intimacy can be achieved and if she enjoyed it once, she can enjoy it again. I think it is only right and fair that you honestly tell her how you feel. It will be painful for her but she needs to know what she is dealing with. If she is a great person to be with and you want to be with her always then open the conversation with that but tell her how you are losing your confidence, feel unwanted etc and is there a chance that she can get help.

What also helped for me in getting some closure was going to the guards and social services, they are slow but eventually there was resolution from the social services with an unexpected but miraculous outcome and the guards situation is ongoing but I feel strong enough to handle it. I don't suggest your other half goes down this road yet but in time it may be something she could consider. The thing about abuse survivors is that their power was taken away and often we become over controlling as adults because of this but in actual fact we are rendered powerless by it. I discovered when I went down the legal route I felt genuinely empowered and I know of one woman in the past who did the same, and I recall her saying that for years she avoided sex with her husband and when she took her abuser to court, she came alive and was chasing him around the bedroom, so don't give up hope but action does need to be taken in terms of counselling.

+1

Brilliantly articulated x

CDfm

My first port of call would be to a GP and on your own because as you say yourself your mother died last year and you need some support or even bereavement counselling and you havent been getting it and the strain is getting to you.

I am sympathetic to anyone who has been abused but you were not the abuser and should not have a life sentence over it.

I am not saying you are being abused but have you considered calling one of the mens helplines like Amen www.amen.ie on 046 9023718. While the may not be there specifically for your problem they may be able to point you in the right direction.

The other thing to consider is that as she has gotten older it has progressed so its getting worse and not better -so your denial or avoidence of it does no good.If there is a mental health problem there you are both better off better with a proper diagnosis.If she is not willing to address the issues then you are wasting your time.

It is not being selfish putting yourself first a bit either.

LegacyUser

hey everyone, OP here...

Thanks so much for your comments, I really appreciate them. It's nice to at least hear I'm not going off the wall, feeling the way I am!

Just so you guys know, we have an extremely healthy, open communications process- she knows how difficult things are for me, we've been talking about ways for me to feel like she still fancies me, and also for her to feel safe when we kiss, or whatever... She's also been diagnosed with depression, and is on medication which has actually helped alot, for a long time she just sat in the house all day, I'd get in from work and she wouldn't have moved an inch. Now she's back in college, and doing well, so I guess it might all be down to time...

I guess the main thing is for me not to feel bad about feeling the way I am... That's the hardest though, right?

As for going down the social services/ gardai route, I've approached her about it- tbh I just want to make sure there's no chance the fecker is still abusing anyone (Obviously I don't know who it is, or else I'd find him and rip his head off, and other parts of his anatomy, too!!!)- but there's no way she ever will, because she doesn't want her family to know it ever happened.

I also wrote the op when we were in a very bad patch, since thenwe've managed to have a good few conversations about it. i always feel better after the chats!

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it.