I'm at my wits end at this stage

solarchar

I dont know where to start really. myself n husband have been only married 10 months and cracks are starting to appear already. we have been together 10 years n have had our ups and downs but it all seems to have come to a head now. Husband job is not going well, he is under severe pressure n stress and has been to the doc about it. But the problem is he seems to be taking it out on me all the time lately. Snapping at me, not communicating at all. If i try to talk about it he hits the roof and tells me im always fighting with him. Yes I admit that I question him alot but is that not allowed in a marriage, i only worry about him. We were out at the weekend and with a few drinks on him he started an argument calling me selfish and that he head cant take any more of my nagging. He also said a few more nasty comments to me aswell. He said it was all a build up of the last couple of weeks and he had to let it out. I was so upset. we havent talked about it since and i have just been so quiet and going to bed early upset. I rang him today and it was no better, he is blaming me, i am blaming him, there really seems to be no solution.....He actually shouted "you always have a problem, if its not one thing its another with you, i didnt sign up for this when we got married". I just dont know what to do.......

LegacyUser

Yes I admit that I question him alot but is that not allowed in a marriage

No, not to excess or then it becomes controlling!

So, are you nagging him?

solarchar

No im not nagging him, i tried to talk about his work difficulites and worries but he would rather keep it to himself and let it all build up inside which is not good...

LegacyUser

solarchar wrote: »

No im not nagging him, i tried to talk about his work difficulites and worries but he would rather keep it to himself and let it all build up inside which is not good...

I think if he wants to keep it to himself you need to respect that for the time being.

He has decided to cope by keeping it to himself, you have decided that is not good and ignored his wishes to be left alone.....that seems to be causing him more stress really.

If he wants to talk about it he will. But he doesn't.

When he comes home he probably wants to forget about the stressful things going on at work and do something else/talk about something else, get a break, so don't be pushy if that what he has requested.

People deal with things in different ways, so I would go along with his wishes on this one.

nmesisca

sunflower27 wrote: »

Aw hon, that sounds like a right mess.

Is there any chance you could go away for a few days and stay with a friend? Just to give you both a bit of headspace.

There is no need for him to be as rude as he is, regardless of stress. A simple 'I dont want to discuss it at the moment, I hope you will respect that' is all he needs to say.

Why is he calling you selfish tho?

well if he is already stressed and his job is on the line, the last thing he wants is someone close to him that questions him. if thats what he perceives, then I guess he could see it as a selfish act on your part.
Give him space and support him, maybe surprise him with a weekend in the country.

Hrududu

Constant questioning drive me spare at the best of times. If he doesn't want to talk about it then respect that. You may think its not good to bottle it up but this is how he wants to deal with it.

solarchar

Thanks for all you replies. I love this man with all my heart. I completely understand if he doesnt want to talk about it for the time being but this is no excuse to speak to me the way he did. He has said he is sorry for the way he spoke but then in another breath says i drove him to it. I really dont know what i am doing wrong, i try my best to suport him, and try and do little things for him (like making his fav dinner, bought him a book he was looking at etc) but i still get the feeling he doesnt care about me

SarahSassy

Take a step back and stop smothering him. Women, often unknown to themselves, tend to act over maternal even with partners. Sounds like you need to take a step back and stop taking it all so personally.

Head out for a night with the girls, let him get some breathing space and just keep it light. He obviously doesnt want to rehash his probelms evey evening as well.

LegacyUser

solarchar wrote: »

Thanks for all you replies. I love this man with all my heart. I completely understand if he doesnt want to talk about it for the time being but this is no excuse to speak to me the way he did. He has said he is sorry for the way he spoke but then in another breath says i drove him to it.

Ok, so learn from this, he is trying to tell you to back off, you have to listen to what he is saying. He did snap so you are obviously irritating him and maybe you did push him too far, he sounds like his patience is wearing thin, so give him a bit of breathing space and try not to take this all so personally.

solarchar wrote: »

I really dont know what i am doing wrong, i try my best to suport him, and try and do little things for him (like making his fav dinner, bought him a book he was looking at etc) but i still get the feeling he doesnt care about me

I think you need to stop pressuring him. It sounds like you are being quite, clingy, needy and smothering. You are smothering him with attention in the hopes he will do the same back to you. But he is not in the humor. Just relax, back off a bit with the lovey dovey stuff and be his buddy for a while.

I know you mean well but you are coming accross as someone who is over sensitive and a little bit demanding. Dont go into a panic every time he is cool, just back off and busy yourself with other stuff and stop smothering him.

Splendour

Men in general don't discuss problems as openly as women do, so maybe you should lay off with the questions and just let him be- for the time being although I appreciate this is difficult for you.
In your situation your husband is worried about his job and a lot of a mans's confidence can come from his having a job so at that moment that is being knocked.
Give him and yourself the space you both need at the moment...

Wibbs

solarchar wrote: »

If i try to talk about it he hits the roof and tells me im always fighting with him. / Yes I admit that I question him alot but is that not allowed in a marriage, i only worry about him. / "you always have a problem, if its not one thing its another with you, i didnt sign up for this when we got married".

These are bits that jump out for me. There are always two sides to every couples issue. Always. Now what I'm getting here is that you are someone that feels talking through the problem is half the battle and he sounds like the type that sifts the info in his head on his own and then comes up with a solution. Kinda like doing a mental puzzle. Some will write all over a page working out the problem and then come to the answer. Others will do it in their heads and then write the answer down. This sounds like you're the writing all over the page type and he's not. The stereotypical woman/man difference, though I know some women like him and some men like you. In any event they're just different approaches to the same end.

The bigger this difference in personalities and their approaches the bigger the issue. I would tend to be like him, especially if under stress. Normally I'll talk the hind legs off a horse, but sometimes I won't. I don't feel the need to explain every action or thought of action to anyone else. Not until I've come to some conclusion. Then I bring it to the table for discussion. If in the middle of that I am constantly probed about what I'm thinking I get píssed off very quickly.

Now as I say I'm not one of the extreme types, but I would be sensitive to that as most men would be(it tends to be men). In the same way most women(and it tends to be women) at some point have complained the men in their life don't engage enough with them.

Now I was in a relationship with a woman who was an extreme example, where there was never enough "discussion". Never. It did my head in. One fire would be put out only for another to flare up. It was damned hard work and as I said I wouldn't be the naturally taciturn type. In the end I had to call an end to that relationship as most of my emotional life was caught up in fire fighting.

If this sounds familiar to you, then you need to stop and stop fast. Now he needs to open more up too. As I say there are always two involved, but since he's not here it has to start with you. He needs to open up, but what I found frustrating in my case was that any time I tried to engage, in her head, it gave her carte blanche to unload everything that had been bothering her for the last few months. Some wildly unrelated stuff too. So I just switched off TBH. Figured there was little point if she couldn't stick calmly to the point at hand.

So next time you talk do a few things. Numero Uno, Pick the right time. Don't come at him as he walks in the door. He will switch off. Don't come at him if he's a few drinks on board. He will both switch off and kick off(as you found). Pick a time, like after dinner, the middle of the evening sort of thing.

Secondly, Pick your battles and stick to them. Be precise in what you want to get across. Do not use phrases like, "you never/always!" in your discussion. Again he'll switch off as it makes no sense and he recognises it for what it largely is, emotional outburst and point scoring. Be precise and stick to the point.

Do not confuse the issue. Do not bring up other hurts/issues that are unrelated. The best way IMHO is to sit down and write down three main points you feel you need to discuss. Restrict it to just three. Then look at them. Step back, look at them and order them in practical importance for you. Pick the top one and run with that one.

Do not get emotional. Do not assume everything he says is an attack on you. While men do attack as part of discussions, we dont tend to get as personal as many women do. We can't afford to basically. I have heard things that two women friends have said to each other in arguments, that if two male friends said the same fists would likely fly. In any event if there is any emotional attack from him, its for the same reasons you'll do it. Frustration and fear. So try to minimise them.

Let him speak and don't interrupt until he is finished. This also causes confusion and him to dig his heels in.

Listen to him. really listen to him and what he has to say. Also(and this is the really hard one for people in general) agree with him. I don't mean agree if you think he's wrong, but agree to acknowledge he may have a point. If two people are butting heads and both believe they're right and give no quarter, nothing happens. Neither wants to admit they're wrong. Now in every argument both are wrong in some way. Maybe only 10% wrong, but they are wrong. If the person doesn't admit that or acknowledge that, then the other person will never engage. Admit that and it gives them the freedom to say they may be wrong too. Very powerful mojo.

If he starts the "you're always nagging me" well then calmly say fine, we'll discuss it again when you feel ready to. Then stop and change the subject to something more pleasant.

As I say he needs to cop the hell on too and listen to you, but I reckon that lot may help.

Apologies for the length.

John Mason

just leave him alone

i absolutely hate being questioned.

my job was a bit dodgy for a while and someone in my family kept with the emails, text messages, phone calls wanting to know what was happening.

i told them out straight that i didnt want to talk about it, i have to deal with it everyday in work and when i come home from work it is the very last thing i want to speak about. i told them that if they kept up with the continoues questioning, i would have nothing to do with them ever again.

i had to do the same thing when i was i doing exams last month.

there is nothing worse then someone nagging at you all the time especially if it is something you dont want to talk about

your poor husband has my Sympathies

Firetrap

Give the guy some space. Some people like to talk things out if there are things that are worrying them. Others just don't want to go there. Your husband sounds like someone who doesn't want to talk about it and you should respect that. I went through a rough time in my life (very ill parent) and the one thing that used to drive me spare was people asking me about it. Words can't express how much I loathed it and I even went out of my way to avoid nosy parkers who kept wanting to discuss the matter with me.

I wonder are you crowding your husband out by questioning him all the time? I think the best thing you can do is to step back from things and don't ask him so many questions. He may resent it and now that he's under pressure, you're driving him nuts. He's a big boy and he can look after himself.

LegacyUser

solarchar wrote: »

I dont know where to start really. myself n husband have been only married 10 months and cracks are starting to appear already. we have been together 10 years n have had our ups and downs but it all seems to have come to a head now. Husband job is not going well, he is under severe pressure n stress and has been to the doc about it. But the problem is he seems to be taking it out on me all the time lately. Snapping at me, not communicating at all. If i try to talk about it he hits the roof and tells me im always fighting with him. Yes I admit that I question him alot but is that not allowed in a marriage, i only worry about him. We were out at the weekend and with a few drinks on him he started an argument calling me selfish and that he head cant take any more of my nagging. He also said a few more nasty comments to me aswell. He said it was all a build up of the last couple of weeks and he had to let it out. I was so upset. we havent talked about it since and i have just been so quiet and going to bed early upset. I rang him today and it was no better, he is blaming me, i am blaming him, there really seems to be no solution.....He actually shouted "you always have a problem, if its not one thing its another with you, i didnt sign up for this when we got married". I just dont know what to do.......

There are a lot of people having problems due to underlying stress caused by job situations at the moment. I think Accord recently said that they were getting a huge increase in couples counselling due to the stress financial and job situations were having on marriages.

I would suggest trying to help him a little. Don't focus on the fights or resolving them for a week or two.. just forget them for two weeks.

set out little things to do after work in the evenings where possible, bring the dog for a walk, do nice things, don't talk about work and just listen if he wants to talk about it.

I don't know where you are based but maybe make a date to drive up the mountains or something after work on a Sunny evening or a Sunday. Don't drink too much together and try and focus on the little nicer things in life for a week or two.

see if the tension between you dissapates after this, and if not, consider a bit of couples counselling with him.

Sometimes it just takes one of you to take a different step.