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Promiscuous Girl :(
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28-05-2009 4:25pm#1Hi everyone, I was hoping for some advice on something. I'm terrified of coming across as a b1tch here, but I'm truly not. I just want to do the right thing.
I'm married, and have two children. I love, but in love with my husband. I've felt like this ever since our second child was born (6 years ago). And I don't really know what to do. If you ask me to define my love for my husband, it would be more of a friends kind of love. I do feel trapped and I don't really feel like trying to repair it (counselling). I just feel like it has left me completely. The other side to all of this is, I have begun fancying other guys. I feel like I shouldn't have ignored the problem I have with my husband this long, and probably should have left much earlier on. I didn't really ignore the problem with him I just stayed for the children. Is that really enough reason to stay? I'm I going to destroy 3 three lives if I leave? I'm also afraid of change, and I'd miss his friendship. There is no way he would be friendly with me if I asked for a seperation
If I was put in a situation with another guy I liked, I don't think I could stop myself. I just don't want to hurt anybody. This is tormenting.. any advice you have would be great.
Thanks in advance.0
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you just don't want to but the work in to trying to fix it. Why is this?
Well my husband has always been my friend, but I feel like I don't want the relationship side with him anymore. I think if I don't want to work out the problem, then I really mustn't want to be in it. I long to be with other men too
I don't really know what I want everyone to say, I guess I'm hoping the replies will give me a better perspective on all of this. Or motivate me to make changes I suppose.
T-Ha, no he didn't get fat. But he has no passion for life, trying to change anything in his life that bothers him. He is forever going on about his job, and when I provide solutions he is too cowardly to do anything about the problem. I find that incredibly moronic, and very irritating. In a lot of ways, I've begun looking down my nose at him. I've returned to college, and he has no interested in any of this. He sees college students as brainiacs and ridicules them. I've taken into account that maybe hes a little jealous, and perhaps afraid that I may out-do him career wise. He is so unambitious, and this irritates the life out of me. He seems perfectly content with the normal hum-drum of life. But it depresses the life out of me This is only one aspect of many things that really get on my nerves about him.
I don't know how to explain this any better 0 -
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Hi,
thing to keep in mind is we all change. We develop at different rates and eventually the person you are with now is not the same as the person you started out with.
Reconciling those differences is the hard part. Here is the harder part...
You need to decide if what you have/had is worth fighting for.
Hardest part - actually fighting for that. It means you both need to make a committment to get to know each other again; maybe find new interests. Who knows maybe his disparaging remarks over college is due to the fact he is threatened that he is being left behind - so in effect he is pushing you away.
If however you are 110% sure that nothing either of you do can ever rekindle that spark then you need to think long and hard about the next step.
Basically - You deserve to be happy and loved; your husband deserves this too & so do your kids.
Staying together in a loveless marriage where one partner is roaming - what will happen when your kids learn - they do you know.
Or maybe work thru it and decide that what is best for the kids is that you remain civil but apart - always always letting them know that no matter what you are both there for them.
Either way - I do feel for you - all of your options here are not without their own pain and suffering. But I do hope it works out for you.
Thank you for your reply and giving me your insight regarding both scenarios.
Well in my mind I'm past the point of wanting to go back. Over the years, I've known there was a problem, and made efforts to try to re-kindle the relationship. I told him so many times, that I need to feel like we did in the beginning. He generally agrees with me on that, but the changes never last. I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse. I've lost interest in trying anymore. I wish I felt differently, and have put it out of my mind so many times. But I dont feel I can do that anymore. As I mentioned in another post, I feel like if met another guy.. well I feel like I've been out of relationship for so long, that I would probably have sex with him. I feel so trapped, because I don't want to hurt anyone. I get so upset when I think of the changes it would make to our children. Whats more is, I think think their dad would say things to them that would turn them against me. I've been with him for a long time now, and he has always been a jealous sort. He cannot stand men looking at me, and has said some pretty spiteful things about what would happen if we ever split up. Without a doubt, he would make this awful for me 0 -
That's pretty worrying. All of it, but certainly the last part. He sounds like a bit of a prick if you don't mind me saying so.Promisc Girl wrote: »Thank you for your reply and giving me your insight regarding both scenarios.
Well in my mind I'm past the point of wanting to go back. Over the years, I've known there was a problem, and made efforts to try to re-kindle the relationship. I told him so many times, that I need to feel like we did in the beginning. He generally agrees with me on that, but the changes never last. I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse. I've lost interest in trying anymore. I wish I felt differently, and have put it out of my mind so many times. But I dont feel I can do that anymore. As I mentioned in another post, I feel like if met another guy.. well I feel like I've been out of relationship for so long, that I would probably have sex with him. I feel so trapped, because I don't want to hurt anyone. I get so upset when I think of the changes it would make to our children. Whats more is, I think think their dad would say things to them that would turn them against me. I've been with him for a long time now, and he has always been a jealous sort. He cannot stand men looking at me, and has said some pretty spiteful things about what would happen if we ever split up. Without a doubt, he would make this awful for me
You've got to end it. you can't stay married to him because you're staying out of fear almost. Luckily (for you) though, you're a woman and if you're in ireland it gives you a lot more rights when it comes to children.0 -
If he is that spiteful and jealous then you need to be careful.
Plan it carefully and get some proper advice - not from fools like me
The key thing here is to protect your kids - if handled incorrectly they will suffer for it.
But it does sound like you need to move on.
Sometimes that is all there is to it.
I know I would prefer to get out than live in a sham - kids might seem happier in the short-term but could end up suffering more in the long term - what message are you giving them by showing them that you have to stay in a loveless marriage just for them - who knows you might end up coming to resent them.
But do get advice - a family member of mine rushed out and is now suffering big time. Trying to get a grip on finances and custody etc while things are moved in the background; and kids ears twisted with hate and spite...
If at all possible keep the courts out of it and try to deal with it like adults.
Does seem like your mind is made up though - so really Best of Luck 0 -
That's pretty worrying. All of it, but certainly the last part. He sounds like a bit of a prick if you don't mind me saying so.
You've got to end it. you can't stay married to him because you're staying out of fear almost. Luckily (for you) though, you're a woman and if you're in ireland it gives you a lot more rights when it comes to children.
To be honest with you yes, he can be a pr1ck. There was a time he could make me laugh, but that has dwindled. I think would I was looking for affirmation that I would be within my rights to go, guilt free. He won't allow me to feel free of guilt, I know that much. And if I do begin seeing someone, I know he would actually be capable of just about anything.
I never really thought of it as a fear, but I think you are right. I'm afraid of his reactions and the damage it will do to my children. I don't mind admitting that I'm crying writing this. The whole thing is such a mess 0 -
If he is that spiteful and jealous then you need to be careful.
Plan it carefully and get some proper advice - not from fools like me
The key thing here is to protect your kids - if handled incorrectly they will suffer for it.
But it does sound like you need to move on.
Sometimes that is all there is to it.
I know I would prefer to get out than live in a sham - kids might seem happier in the short-term but could end up suffering more in the long term - what message are you giving them by showing them that you have to stay in a loveless marriage just for them - who knows you might end up coming to resent them.
But do get advice - a family member of mine rushed out and is now suffering big time. Trying to get a grip on finances and custody etc while things are moved in the background; and kids ears twisted with hate and spite...
If at all possible keep the courts out of it and try to deal with it like adults.
Does seem like your mind is made up though - so really Best of Luck
Thanks for your reply. You have basically posted all of my fears in one go. You are right on a lot of counts. I know him 14 years, and only got married last year. I felt a brief moment of hope, but it has gone down the pan. I thought I was making the right choice at the time, and I foolishly thought I was giving the children the security of being a family unit. And you are right, the resentment has begun I think I needed to be told that seperating is ok when you have children, as silly as that sounds. The guilt is over whelming. 0 -
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Promisc Girl wrote: »I think I needed to be told that seperating is ok when you have children
Sometimes it is the only thing you can do.
It is going to be tough for you and for them - so make sure you get the help you need.0 -
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Actually that was a serious reply - if a couple goes from "proper" couple to "friend" couple over the course of a few years it's reasonable to ask if one or both of them are simply less attractive.
It would appear that I'm right too, just that he's let himself go in the mental, rather than physical, sense. Unless of course he's always been that way and it's you that has moved on? Is there a particular guy you like that he's being compared to all the time, or just a general wandering eye? The grass can be greener and all that...
Lastly, and I don't want to overly simplify this, but if he used to be energetic, ambitious and funny etc. and this has dwindled over the last while, it might be worth him getting his testosterone levels checked next time he's down with his GP. Not saying it's definitely that - but some of the signs could be there. Unfortunately I have no idea how you would broach that subject with him??
It's ok, I wasn't offended by your earlier question. You are right, physical attractiveness can dwindle over time. But not in this case. I'm so ashamed to say that, nearly everything he says to me is bothersome and annoying His priorites in life differ greatly from my own. It is like we don't even speak the same language anymore. There are very few times where I can enjoy myself in his company. We still have sex occasionaly, but I'm not making-love to him. I imagine other scenarios, so my genuine feelings about him go somewhat undetected. "The grass is always greener..." scenario is what scares me. I'm terrified of making the wrong choice here, and have a devastating effect on my children
I think I know what I have to do now, but I'm definitely not looking forward to it. As previously mentioned by another poster, I'm going to arm myself with information first before I open my mouth. I'm so sad that it has to be this way.
Thanks for all your replies so far.0 -
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It's a good point but in this case it seems to be something she can't really help. From what i can gather, the attraction and love faded over time. you don't just lose attraction to someone you've loved for years, there has to be reasons behind it. In this case it's his personality and his unwillingness to change. That isn't fair. It's a two way street and there's no point in her making the effort if he won't do his share. And he hasn't and this is why the situation seems to be the way it is.Unregistered wrote: »I have read your posts and you attach no blame to yourself about the way your relationship has gone. Total responsibility seems to lie at your husband's door. I would suggest that you take a little look inwards and examine your contirbution to your relationship - after all it takes two to tango.
From your posts it appears to me that you are looking for approval for something you wish to do or have already done - hitch up with other men.
All the more reason you shouldn't stay. and it's terrible for your children in the long term too. you need to get out and the first thing you should do is seek legal advice. i honestly can't give you any advice on what will happen but those law talking guys and gals are a good start.Promisc Girl wrote: »I never really thought of it as a fear, but I think you are right. I'm afraid of his reactions and the damage it will do to my children. I don't mind admitting that I'm crying writing this. The whole thing is such a mess0 -
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Please don't accuse me of trying to blame my husband, it is not the case. Natural changes occur in any relationship. But I don't feel that these changes are small enough to accept.Unregistered wrote: »I have read your posts and you attach no blame to yourself about the way your relationship has gone.
Have you read all of my posts? I have contributed to the relationship. And have been very patient in by books. I've flagged up the urgency for change so many times, but each time effort dwindled away back in to the normal routine. I no longer have the will to try to fix this.Total responsibility seems to lie at your husband's door. I would suggest that you take a little look inwards and examine your contirbution to your relationship - after all it takes two to tango.From your posts it appears to me that you are looking for approval for something you wish to do or have already done - hitch up with other men.
Rather than try to get a rise out of me, please read what I have said. I'm not looking for anyones approval to go off with other men, I was looking for affirmation that it is ok to end the relationship as a mother of two. It has flat-lined for me, but what I'm struggling with is the guilt. At this point, I might add, I have not been with other men. But the urgency is growing. I have not been promiscuous, but I'm afraid that it is where it will all go if I don't don't do something soon. I don't want it to turn to deceit, lying and sneaking around.
There is really too much history behind myself and my husband to give you a full insight as to what went wrong over the years. As I've mentioned before he can be jealous, and over the years I was stopped from going out with my female friends, in case I encountered any men. To this day I have no friends, just family. It's as though a boa constrictor is wrapped around my body, and I just want to run away. Please don't think bad of me, this is so painful for me 0 -
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Raising children in a loveless marriage is certainly no better than raising children after a marital breakdown.
Obviously neither situation is ideal, the OP recognizes that.
But does the OP want to teach her children to never have any thought for themselves? To always put others first, no matter that the consequences may be that the others suffer anyway?
Leaving someone you don't love anymore, who is being borderline emotionally abusive, isn't selfish. It's standing up for yourself. No better lesson to teach your kids, imo.
You are right Xiney, many thanks. You have helped me validate what I already knew, but was terrified to do. I've had some very helpful posts here, many thanks Xiney, if yourself or another mod could kindly lock the thread for me please, that would be much appreciated.
Thanks again x0
This discussion has been closed.
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