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Another Hormonal woman??

  • 22-04-2009 12:53pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    This happened last week and just wondering what people think.

    Boyfriend and I together 5 months. Couple of hours apart but we usually hook up for 2-3 days a week. We get on great but have always had little arguments that we quickly sort out, seems to be a thing with us.
    He was off for 2 weeks and came down to see me but I got sick and he ended up hanging around house & watching over me. I told him to go off if he wanted but he seemed happy enough. He has a part-time freelance job which he also does most weekends that I've had to fall in with to see him. He got offered 3 days work on second week and decided to take it and went to stay in his parents as they were closer to this job.

    So - I put my hands up, I will the first to admit I was maybe a bit clingy. I was feeling bad that week. I'm unemployed, was low on funds, feeling sickly, son being difficult, lots of things stressing me out.
    He usually rings me every night but he hardly did and it was missing that. He got vibes and asked me was I annoyed and I just asked him was something wrong that I had hardly heard from him.
    Well to cut a long story short it went on for a couple of days. I was just saying I was used to him calling and I didn't think it would be different in his parents, I know he was working too - though obviously it was an issue though, he didn't feel overly comfortable there, he did ring odd time during day on mobile. I kept saying I thought he call back over, was much closer than unusual but I felt he was happy off doing his thing to be honest.
    Now what annoyed me most was he got personal by text, firing things out ...told me to get a grip, texted me to ask me had I 'calmed down' (this was 2 hours after the 'get a grip' one that I hadn't time to answer) and then last but not least likened this to a 'bunny boiler' situation...I felt very patronised & hurt by that - I was a phycho girlfriend all of a sudden. All I was hearing from him was 'I have a life'... blah blah.
    Then on the Saturday I thought he was at work but it had been cancelled apparently and what he did was, being annoyed, he headed off to the other side of the country with a mate and didn't mention it to me. There was me like an eejit worrying was he having a hard day working as I'd not heard from him. He texed me late that night. Now of course things had been strained but I had more or less said sorry by text and so did he. We ended up talking that night and was hurt to be honest but we joked it off in the end by some texts after that - only so much arguing a point you can do!
    I was quite shocked really to be honest initially - as he always tells me what he is up to. However, I understand he was trying to 'assert' himself and his independance with the lads.
    He was obviously trying to prove a point.
    I then decided to go and visit him, mainly to see if I still wanted to keep seeing him to be honest. All I was getting was this attitude that I was another hormonal women, are you 'taking the tablets' - i.e. instead of hearing what I had to say and trying to understand me it was easier to see me as another 'mad woman' :)

    So he wasn't very affectionate when I went down but maybe he felt very awkward too (though he's a very hot and cold person with affection sometimes, doesn't come easy - unlike the touchy feely Queen) - I was uncomfortable for a long while. He told me that I was the most loving woman he has ever met and he sometimes doesn't know how to deal with it (has told me this before). In other words think he was trying to apologise or excuse himself.
    I often feel I'm so loving and giving and accomodating that he takes advantage and things for granted i.e. my love will always be there so sometimes there is no need to make an effort. Also I wonder does he find it over whelming at times...like he said he's not used to it, I get it from my mother and I'm one too. His mum perhaps never hugged him!!
    For example, his weekend work, well he has doing this for a long while so I understand but I'm kind of told 'well you knew when you met me' i.e. am not allowed every raise annoyance if he's at it every weekend. What I usually do is go to him if he can't come here as I can go with him to work (sport photography, can be fun). Some women then accuse me of 'running after him' but I usually enjoy it and if that's the only way to be with him at the moment I don't think I'm being a dormat going off to a footie match with him. We usually stop for a nice meal or something along the way.
    I don't think I'm chasing him, just accomodating him - I do not expect him to give that up, we're only together a little while.

    He actually was going to do work while I was down - stuff that could wait - after me driving the two hours and I was annoyed and simply said I'd go back home if he was going to spend time working - what was the point!
    What was it all about. Men can answer maybe...did he feel I was trying to 'pin him down' or something. We have commmited to each other but maybe I was possessive, having a bad week and he was busy and didn't notice. He did tell me on the phone that week he loved me & he reminded me of it several times that he'd said it, must have been a big thing for him to say. Was the first time really he'd said it unprovoked.
    However, he also reminded me he spent the whole week with me before that week, so in other words what was my problem the week after... like 'so what' I say ... is there a limit on his time?

    Do I make it to easy for him?...he's very good to me, I'm broke so he pays for things but he's not a flowers guy and rarely tells me nice things about myself so I sometimes wonder what it's all about. However, I know actions speak louder than words and some guys aren't good at compliments. My guy however is good at noticing other women though.

    How do you make your boyfriend understand something has bothered you and you are not 'another hormonal woman' because you say so.....?
    I'm trying to let what happened pass now as holding on won't do any good and I know how to avoid it in the future ... is this kind of thing common?

    Sorry for the long post, still a little hurt and so hard to put in a few words.


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,095 ✭✭✭Wurly


    Hi OP, it sounds to me that you got a bit clingy and he retracted as he needed space. I think he felt smothered.

    However, his attitude leaves a lot to be desired. Those kinds of comments about being a mad woman are very unpleasant, nevermind unhelpful.

    If I were you, i'd talk to him and admit you were clingy. Explain the circumstances behind why this happened to you. But also explain that you will not tolerate his attitude - that's not on at all.

    I think you need to back off a bit. Give him more space. You do stuff with your mates and let him do stuff with his. Give him the chance to miss you. You always being in his face wont give him the chance to miss you. I think he needs to miss you. He should make more of an effort then.

    If this keeps going on though, even after space and attempts to sort it out by chatting etc - id finish it. This kind of shyte would fry anyone's brain after a while.

    And remember HE's lucky to have you. Stop acting like it's a privilege to be granted some of his time.


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    In my humble a guy who pulls the hormonal guff, is being lazy and using it as an excuse not to engage.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks Tri - I have explained myself to him and tried to be the bigger person. That perhaps I was a little clingy and was having a bad week he could have just accepted. However, he seems to totally dismiss the fact that being told that you 'need to calm down' and are hormonal or unhinged or akin to a bunny boiler is offensive to me. He took it to a different level I think. I have mentioned several times that I didn't like that at all but he won't acknowlege my feelings, will ignore me know or joke about it. I think if he ever starts that one again I'll just tell him nicely that I won't stay in his company while he has that attitude towards me - and slip off.
    A partner does not have to agree with you but they should respect what you have to say and not make out you are some 'mad one' just because you say something they don't like or understand.

    However, he has made a point since I came home of calling and texting regularly to see how I am. His way of making amends I guess :)

    Is there a knack to fixing this one? it's so common between men and women, not listening in a repsectful way to what the other has to say. I think it's because one, usually men in my experience, are emotionally immature and unable to deal with things on this level.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,095 ✭✭✭Wurly


    Thanks Tri - I have explained myself to him and tried to be the bigger person. That perhaps I was a little clingy and was having a bad week he could have just accepted. However, he seems to totally dismiss the fact that being told that you 'need to calm down' and are hormonal or unhinged or akin to a bunny boiler is offensive to me. He took it to a different level I think. I have mentioned several times that I didn't like that at all but he won't acknowlege my feelings, will ignore me know or joke about it. I think if he ever starts that one again I'll just tell him nicely that I won't stay in his company while he has that attitude towards me - and slip off.
    A partner does not have to agree with you but they should respect what you have to say and not make out you are some 'mad one' just because you say something they don't like or understand.

    However, he has made a point since I came home of calling and texting regularly to see how I am. His way of making amends I guess :)

    Is there a knack to fixing this one? it's so common between men and women, not listening in a repsectful way to what the other has to say. I think it's because one, usually men in my experience, are emotionally immature and unable to deal with things on this level.


    Yeah - listen. He's acting like a total arse. And he needs to be put in his place quite frankly.

    If you've tried to talk and this is all you're getting, then i'd leave him to it until he's being a bit more reasonable.

    Back right off and let him come back to you. How much does this person mean to you? Is he worth it? What do you think?

    When he sees that you're not willing to run after him, he may cop on to himself. If he doesn't, walk out that door and don't turn back.

    Those 'mad woman' comments can be very damaging. Almost to the point of not trusting your own thoughts and believing that you actually are a mad woman. If a man is making you feel that way, then the relationship is toxic and you need to get out of it.

    I agree with Wibbs. He is being lazy and is not willing to engage. Like i've said, let the situation and him breathe. Make no further effort. If things don't change, go. This will only drag you down in the long run.

    Best of luck.xx


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 634 ✭✭✭nomorebadtown


    Wibbs wrote: »
    In my humble a guy who pulls the hormonal guff, is being lazy and using it as an excuse not to engage.
    ordinarily i'd agree but in this case the op seems to have lost the plot a little.

    OP from your post i think you both made a mountain out of a molehill and you should kiss, make up and forget this whole silly non-incident.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,095 ✭✭✭Wurly


    ordinarily i'd agree but in this case the op seems to have lost the plot a little.

    OP from your post i think you both made a mountain out of a molehill and you should kiss, make up and forget this whole silly non-incident.

    It appears that she has been trying this though and there is no let up with him.

    She knows she was too clingy. She's admitting that. I don't think she can do anymore at this point. I think it's up to him now to back down.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Gosh maybe I am a bunny boiler lol

    No I think we both backed down and went back to a normality but I just felt dismissed and he won't admit at all that calling me hormonal, bunny boiler wasn't nice. I'd love him to give me that but he won't so I'm trying to let that go, though it offends. He did say sorry by text for being heavy handed ...but then went on to hormonal and that stuff instead of leaving it.

    He's making a point of texting regularly and so on though since so have to give him that, guess that's his way of making an effort. I'm a bit indifferent right now.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,328 ✭✭✭cafecolour


    In summary, he made some comments you see as sexist and demeaning, and he doesn't see them as a big deal. Guys tend to have much higher 'slagging' tolerances than women, so it probably doesn't seem a big deal to him.

    You could try coming up with extreme equivalents for him - as long as it's not an actual example so he doesn't think you're criticizing him. (ie "It just felt over the top - it would be like if I called you a knacker scumbag because you went on a tear with the lads.")

    TBH though, by insisting on keeping this argument alive and 'having to be right' (from his POV) you're just going to seem even more of a 'hormonal woman' in his mind.

    So I'd let it go. You have a boyfriend who takes care of you when you're sick, buys you things - I'd count your blessing.

    And if he's keeping the argument alive, then you both just like to argue ;)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks cafecolour

    Well I did joke that if women's hormone's could be blamed for their moods what excuse do men have when they are being dickheads!

    Well I have let it go almost. Just wanted to get my head round what people made of what he said to help me do that.
    I'm going to leave him alone for this week and give him some space, just be easy with him as I certainly don't want to come across as intense. He is a very good boyfriend and has a very good & gentle heart. Think I scare him sometimes with all my love :)


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