Ex-GF slept with friend (in the past)... how to deal with these feelings?

LepperJoe

I dated a girl for a few months, we decided it was for the best to break up. We went through a few months of "friends with benefits" and now we're just friends. We probably hang out at least once or twice a week. Nothing physical, we just chat, watch movies/tv, kill time, etc.

One big thing that I didn't like about this girl when we were dating, was her sexual past. She had sex with almost 50 people. (She's 31 btw.) I didn't break up with her over it, but even after we've broken up, it's always kinda bugged me.

Last night, the two of us went to a house party for New Years.

One of my "friends" from high school (I put it in quotations because this guy is a total drug dealing dirtbag, that slept with everyone and nobody likes him because he would rip people off for money all the time) was there and asked me about the girl I was with. I told him we had dated, but were just friends now. He asked if we were "friends with benefits" and I said we went through that phase and repeated that we were just friends. He goes and gives me a "hi 5" kinda handshake...

5 minutes later I see him talking to my ex. It turns out they knew each other because she used to buy drugs off of him. I found out later on that they also used to sleep with each other (she told me) (about 7 years ago).

I confronted my friend and told him I didn't care that they used to sleep with each other and that I thought it was very tacky to give me a hi5 when he's trying to say "hey, I ****ed your girlfriend".

All this said, I've had all kinds of emotions running through me all day and I want peoples opinions on the feelings...

I feel like asking my ex if she ever met anyone and didn't sleep with them
I feel dirty for having sex with a girl that would sleep with that kind of guy
I feel [unnamed emotion] because I slept with a girl that had slept with my "friend"
I feel hurt because [i just feel hurt and can't describe why]

All in all, nothing about this entire situation matters. I not dating the girl anymore. We're just friends and that's all we'll ever be. To top it off, it happened 7 years before I met this (now ex) girlfriend.

I just don't understand why I feel all messed up inside.

RedXIV

OK for starters, as just a "friend", you have no right to start interrogating her about her sexual past. if you want to bring it up (can't see why) then you'll have to accept that anything she decides to tell you will be up to her, you can't demand those answers.

However i reckon those answers aren't the ones you seek. Why does a women who is sexually liberated irritate you so? i'd almost understand if you were going out but your not. It almost sounds like jealousy to be honest. She had a sexual past and i'm sure you do too. What happens in the past should stay there. Forget about all this and learn to not ask about sexual pasts.

LepperJoe

RedXIV wrote: »

OK for starters, as just a "friend", you have no right to start interrogating her about her sexual past. if you want to bring it up (can't see why) then you'll have to accept that anything she decides to tell you will be up to her, you can't demand those answers.

However i reckon those answers aren't the ones you seek. Why does a women who is sexually liberated irritate you so? i'd almost understand if you were going out but your not. It almost sounds like jealousy to be honest. She had a sexual past and i'm sure you do too. What happens in the past should stay there. Forget about all this and learn to not ask about sexual pasts.

I'd rather ask a question and get an answer I don't like than to not know. The concept of "leave the sexual past in the past" doesn't fly with me. I can accept that she slept with this guy, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.

My emotions feel more like anger than jealousy.

I don't know how you define "sexually liberated", but when you sleep with everyone you meet, you don't paint yourself in a very good light. Especially when the people you are sleeping with are deadbeat drug dealers.

I kinda feel stupid and angry at myself for falling for a whore. But that doesn't sit well with me because I know that she's nothing like that anymore.

Gary ITR

Why are you even bothering about it op? Like she's your ex now and it's of no concern of yours who she slept with in the past. You need to grow up a little bit

RedXIV

You know, for a long time i thought i was the same as you, i'd prefer to know and be unhappy than not know but after a while i realised it didn't bother me that much. Is it perhaps you think that the number of partners cheapens the time you had together? Also, have you never been with someone in the past you look back and think "what was i thinking?" and this should give you some consolation towards her sleeping with your "friend"

As regards you feeling anger.....thats a bit worrying. why does this anger you when you're not in a relationship with her?

DenMan

Joe if you were aware that she had 50 previous sexual partners than that should have sent the alarm bells ringing. Like what Red said you should not pry into someone else's previous sexual history. You were obviously aware of it (did she tell you?) Let it go man and move on.

LepperJoe

I agree with what you guys are saying. None of it matters. It's just bothering me.

The first time I found out her past (she told me when I asked) it was like getting the wind knocked out of me. I had a past as well, but hearing someone else having one so "colorful" was such a shock.

I had a spell where I slept with 10 people that I now regret and it took about a year to 1.5 years to get past that phase. For her, it was like 50 people over 15 years to get out of that "phase".

It's like WTF is wrong with your life that it took you 50 people and 15 years to realize ****ing everyone wasn't a good thing?

It's like feeling you're with someone stupid. It's not that they actually are stupid, but you just feel like a better person because you caught on long before they did. But you're not a better person, you just had a different life, and you are angry that their life doesn't seem to jive with your life and yet you still fell in love with them.

Then to find out that one of her mistakes was a dirtbag bum that you hate is like being slapped in the face.

RedXIV

OK well i'm just gonna rattle off a few ideas here that i'm getting from this, feel free to ignore if you wish. For starters, i reckon you're not over this girl. at all. If you were, this wouldn't bother you.

and yes she may have slept with this guy but she's not STILL sleeping with him so she's copped on as well that he wasn't all that great. So don't think about that.

And now on to the biggie. OK brace yourself but you're view on sex isn't the same as everyone elses. Now i'll agree, I like sex, but i'd put alot of personal attachment to it. But thats not the same for everyone. I know a girl in college who'd put even you're friend to shame and she doesn't care. she's in her early 20s but as far as she's concerned, she likes sex and she likes alot of guys. Now it's not a fantastic approach, she could catch anything, BUT to her, there's nothing wrong with it. And you can imagine any amount of guys in the past have tried to tame her but to no avail. She likes sleeping with lots of people, thats the long and short of it. If it was a guy, unfortunately, people don't think it's that bad. But you can't impose your morals on her because if you do, that removes her independance and her ability to be herself and if you do that, she's not going to be the girl you love. You have to take the good with the bad, and see if it's worth it.

Alot of assumptions in there but hopefully food for thought also

starchild

many peoples views on sex differ, people go through different phases in life and grow from it, i understand your feeling bad over this but i think you need to accept her past and not stand in judgement on it.

she is being honest with you and the fact that you are still good friends means she must be a decent sort, that would not change if she slept with 500 men, is it possible you are still into her and its jealousy causing this

hope u feel better soon

JonathanAnon

If you cant deal with situations like this with her, you are better off not going out with her. I mean you said that you were there as friends, but then when the guy hi5'd you you said it was tacky to say "I f**kd your girlfriend". YOU told him that ye were exs.......

Anyway if she was on drugs, and from what you describe sounds like the town pump, maybe you should reconsider whether it is worth the effort. Just because there is nobody else better for you to see at this particular moment in time doesnt mean that you should spend your time with her.

petethebrick

50 past partners is not that bad for a 31 year old in my opinion. More than the average sure but what's the big deal??

Earthhorse

Do you think the issue is that you want this girl to have more "respect" (or to have had more respect in the past) for herself but also know that you don't really have a right to judge her on this?

Or is it something else?

It's just, you seem perplexed about this yourself. Do you think your issue is more with him than it is with her?

LegacyUser

You still have feeling for her whether sexual or not does not matter but you do have feelings.Ask yourself honestly do you still want her as a partner if so then forget everything else and just love her for who she is if she feels the same way about you.She has not murdered anyone for god's sake.She might sleep with so many people because she has very little self confidence or she just might like sex or the feeling of been wanted makes her feel good.Was she faithful to you when you went out?

LegacyUser

get real. if a girl started having sex at age 20 and had sex with 5 different people a year (VERY CONSERVATIVE NUMBER), then she's already had 50 something blokes at age 31. Cop on, it's not hard to do the maths.

(and i was conservative)

madmik

petethebrick wrote: »

50 past partners is not that bad for a 31 year old in my opinion. More than the average sure but what's the big deal??

id have to disagree,i think fifty is quite high for a woman!

Tim Robbins

LepperJoe wrote: »

I dated a girl for a few months, we decided it was for the best to break up. We went through a few months of "friends with benefits" and now we're just friends. We probably hang out at least once or twice a week. Nothing physical, we just chat, watch movies/tv, kill time, etc.

One big thing that I didn't like about this girl when we were dating, was her sexual past. She had sex with almost 50 people. (She's 31 btw.) I didn't break up with her over it, but even after we've broken up, it's always kinda bugged me.

If she admits to 50, I reckon it's about 3 times that.
There's blokes who have slept with a similar amount, so logically there must be women too.
It's about one a month for twelve years. So I suppose some months, she may have 3 then gone quite for a few months.

It's quite reachable if you think about it. How you judge it, is up to you.

I feel like asking my ex if she ever met anyone and didn't sleep with them

Don't you've no right too.

I feel dirty for having sex with a girl that would sleep with that kind of guy

Don't. Your brain is programmed to want to have sex and you did. Big deal. Next time you might wait to find a girl who makes you wait.

I feel [unnamed emotion] because I slept with a girl that had slept with my "friend"

Understandable.

I feel hurt because [i just feel hurt and can't describe why]

Because your ego has taken a dent and you probably had feelings for her.
Learn from it. And move on. If anything it will make you appreciate a girl who makes you wait.