Upset mum

Shelli

Hi guys, some of you might remember me from a while ago, I had one or two threads on here before.

Well it's come to a head this time, and he's really left. And despite knowing I was doing the wrong thing while I was doing it, I begged, pleaded, apologised, promised things would change blah blah, I've hounded him a little bit since he left, texts, phone calls, email......everything they say not to do if you don't want to push someone further away!

He left last week, a week after he told me he wanted to spilt up, I actually asked him to leave the house becuase the longer he was there the more upset I got and the more hope I built up that he would change his mind. I've had a lot of thinking time since then, and I believe that this space could really be the best thing for us, and things might look better in a couple of months.

But how do I survive the next while?? How do I resist the urge to contact him? I'm so afriad he'll find someone else, it would be the end of the world for me. How do I wait it out without putting my own life on hold?

He says he misses me, he says he loves me....just not enough to make our relationship work??? What the hell does that mean? I'm so confused, I just wish he'd come home.

It's our sons 1st birthday in two weeks, and our anniversary around now too, it just seems all so surreal, all our plans are gone.

Please give me some advise, I want him back, but how do I stop my self from acting like a bunny boiler ex??

Jet Black

That sounds excatly the situation I was in a year ago except I was the man. We argued and fighted all the time. So one day I was in work and got a text my bags where packed and at the door. I came home opened the door picked up my bags and left, for the first month we talked about getting back together but the love was gone. There was no connection between us. Our child was only one at the time too..

So anywayz if he says he still loves and misses you thats a great thing, just not enough to make it work? well from my own experience this could mean anything, could be you fight a lot, could be he is not attracted to you, could be he is stressed. Try to talk to him casualy.
Im sure he wants to know how his child is doing (does he come up to see him?)

You really need to talk and get things sorted.

MJOR

Ok I feel for you really I do. This will get better I promise. At the moment you are still raw.

A relationship is like a pie chart. There are all different pieces. Just as I say sex isn't enough to keep people together, Sometimes caring and loving someone isn't enough. Sometimes people are too different.

Of course he loves you you are the mother of his child.

Give him space and take a little for yourself. Please don't plead or beg him to get back for the moment. It's hard being on your own but just try and turn your focus on the baby.

Just take time and make sure if you are getting back its for te right reasons.

Good luck x

Shelli

Thanks guys. I'm just finding it really hard, just when I think I'm getting my feet under me something stpid triggers the tears.....then follow the texts. He's very distant, I know he has a lot of things on his mind, not including our relationship difficulties, he's had a bit of a rough time of it this year, finding out things from his past and family issues being stirred up. I just wish I could be there for him, I know he needs someone but I don't understand why he's pushing me away.

He's my whole world and I would do absolutely anything to make him happy. I know he needs space, but I don't know how to get the balance right. We're still in contact almost every day, trying to get the house contents sorted and access and maintenance, he's a very good dad and I have no doubt that he will continue to be one.

I just keep imagining horrible scenes of him with another woman, I don't think this is the case right now, but I have always had an overactive imagination and situations like this make it worse.

If he was with someone else that would be the nail in the coffin so to speak, I don't think there would be any coming back from that.

Trinity

Hi Shelli

First of all i didnt see your other threads, however i know you must be devastated. We were pregnant around the same time (parenting forum!) and i too split from OH, twice in fact, however we are back together now but it was still a rough time, particularly where there are children involved.

you are making things a whole lot worse for yourself imagining him with another woman, if you can help it at all don't, focus on your baby, yourself, boards, anything but think of that.

There is not set formula for getting someone back. There are tips out there but i think that is more about acting in a dignified manner when someone leaves us and thats to remain calm, give them their space they ask for, hard as it is i know, and to try keep strong. By texting him all the time you are reinforcing his belief that its not working.

He will get more pissed off, feel more smothered and slip further away from you. Giving him space will give him time to think, give him time to miss you.

There are no guarantees but at least this way you are left with your pride if nothing else.

I hope he has discussed arrangements for the baby visitation, money etc. if not wait a few days and say in the nicest possible way, would you like to make arrangements to see the baby etc. But dont be bitter or angry whatever you do, well you may feel these things but dont show him!

I hope things work out for you.

lostinnappies

Men love independant wemon,

Move on with your life, find new friends and a new purpose. Find an interest in life other then him. See if he then becomes more interested ... if not, im sorry its over he just doesnt want to destroy the friendship for the sake of your child

How Strange

Shelli wrote: »

He's very distant, I know he has a lot of things on his mind, not including our relationship difficulties, he's had a bit of a rough time of it this year, finding out things from his past and family issues being stirred up. I just wish I could be there for him, I know he needs someone but I don't understand why he's pushing me away.

OP, this is a typical female response to the problem. Speaking as a woman myself, we always try to rationalise why these things happen and empathise with him. Bottom line OP, you also have alot on your mind at the moment so focus on what you need too right now.

He's my whole world and I would do absolutely anything to make him happy. I know he needs space, but I don't know how to get the balance right. We're still in contact almost every day, trying to get the house contents sorted and access and maintenance, he's a very good dad and I have no doubt that he will continue to be one.

Point blank - just give him his space. If you're in contact regarding your son then don't bring your relationship breakdown into the conversation. That will drive him away even further. IMO, leave all talk about sorting the house out, access and maintenance until a later date. This really isn't the time to be discussing things like this as your wounds are too raw and it could get very bitter very quickly.

I just keep imagining horrible scenes of him with another woman, I don't think this is the case right now, but I have always had an overactive imagination and situations like this make it worse. If he was with someone else that would be the nail in the coffin so to speak, I don't think there would be any coming back from that.

Yes, I think that is the image we dread most in a breakup - we can actually visualise it and it taunts you.

OP, you're going through a panic phase at the moment and it's very difficult to be rational or logical about things. Leave him be, let the dust settle on this whole thing for a few weeks. Concentrate on looking after yourself, getting some sleep and eating and looking after you're own mental health (no I'm not saying your mad but I'd guess that your nerves are shot).

See how things stand in a few weeks. A few weeks separation may give him a different perspective.