being the rebound boy (and her seeing her long term ex again)

LegacyUser

Going out with a girl of eastern european origin who’s only out of a 2.5 year relationship. Though it was her who ended it, a lot about how me and her started puts me straight into the rebound category; we were close friends before, she’s a 5 years older / both in our 20s, I liked her but never said anything (given the boyfriend), then she got jealous when she saw things getting serious between me and someone else. etc. I’m not kidding myself and she didn’t lie to me either saying she’d much rather have been single for a while if she didn't have feelings for me...

Plenty of ups and downs between us in at the beginning but right now things are as perfect as they could be; I don’t think I’ve ever felt so strongly about anyone (and I suppose never had a lasting serious relationship, while she’s had 3 of more than two years). Perfect until now when she’s going away for a few weeks including to a wedding where she’ll spend three days ‘with’ her ex-boyfriend which almost makes my stomach churn.

I’m not kidding myself; I know she claims I have nothing to worry about and we’ve talked about it enough times (and I realise you don’t come out of a 2.5 years feeling nothing, I'm sure there's feelings there) and what happens happens and there’s little I can do, and I know the rebound aspect, + age/nationality different = few long term prospects anyway.....

But it still freaks me out and I spend days wondering what on earth I can say or do before she leaves…?!

Beruthiel

UReboundboy wrote: »

But it still freaks me out and I spend days wondering what on earth I can say or do before she leaves…?!

I'm afraid nothing you say or do will make a difference.
You will just have to trust her.
Yes, you maybe the rebound guy. But if they have broken up, why on earth would you think she would get back with him just because she's in the same room as him?
It doesn't happen just like that you know.
As you said yourself, what will be, will be.
Relax and hang out with your mates while she's gone.

melon_collie

There's nothing really you can do man only the night before she leaves, give her a night to remember. And I'm not talking about sex. Do something really special for her, and I guarantee that she won't be able to wait to get back to you. You will be all she'll be thinking about. I hope it works out.

RedXIV

If you don't trust her, whats the point of the relationship.

She says not to worry so take her advice, she's probably right

Georgie Boy

sex at weddings is very common
its even better than the ceremony

Overheal

well either way its for this point in time out of your hands. I really suggest you distract yourself from it. But if you're worried than you don't trust her.

As to what to say before she leaves? Anything that isnt pleading, or guilt-tripping. "have fun" "I'll be here when you get back", etc, sound like good ones to me.

edit: Georgie how is that helpful? It sounds like you are just trying to taunt the OP.

Wibbs

Georgie Boy can you expand on what you're trying to say as I've no bloody clue what planet you're posting from. For future reference if it's not helpful don't post.

Wibbs

OK it does have the smell of rebound, but it is what it is and you can't change how you two got together so...

Rebounds usually can be defined by a person going out with someone when the previous relationship is still in play one way or another. That can be both in a good and bad way. If a guy breaks up with someone and takes from that that all women are loopers even if he has no time for the ex in particular that will effect the next relationship etc. Speed of transference of affection is another iffy sign. How long is she out of this relationship? Is she in regular contact with this ex?

OK all of those will have some bearing, but in the end of the day if she wants to go to him or anyone else you can do diddly squat about it. Trust her, until such times as evidence suggests otherwise. Treat her and yourself well and take things one day at a time. That's all you can do in any relationship. All relationships have issues, some more than others. Some little issues can break one relationship whereas another can stick with really big problems. You can never tell so just play it by ear basically and enjoy it.

Nevyn

Yes going a wedding and bumping into an ex you have been in a longish relationship with who you might have had aspirations of maybe exchanging vows with someday can be hard esp if she didn't break up with him that long ago.

Sure it is bound to have her thinking of the what ifs and what might have beens but you need to not let that get in on you.

Make sure she knows she is now in a relationship with you, sure you have have to compete with the echo of thier relationship but you knew that when you decided to make a go at it.

IF you are not going with her then you need to make a good and lasting impression on her before then so that she will be thinking of you.

Don't do one big gesture, lots of little toughtful things before she goes away done with out seeming to make a huge effort, pay her lots of attension, make her feel cherished
that way she will go away feeling that she is currently in a good relationship and will compare that to the reasons she broke up with him.

Also if you can pick her out some small token of jewlery to wear with her out fit on the day. Doesn't have to be expensive get something to complement what she is wearing so she will wear and think of you.

Do your ground work and then you will just have trust you have done all you can.

Don't come across as paranoid or needy about it.