Boyfriend cheated on ex...

LegacyUser

...recently found out he drunkenly kissed a randomer towards the end of his relationship with his ex. I was pretty shocked, and disappointed and most of all realised I didn't know him as much as I thought I did. He's a lovely guy and I suppose I had an idealised view of him. I've always had a rather black and white view, naive you could say, of cheaters as being immoral, selfish people with no consideration for anyone else's feelings, and most of all believed 'once a cheater, always a cheater.' My bf said he felt awful afterwards and it was a genuine mistake which he'd never repeat. He was miserable at the time in a long distance relationship which was going badly. I believe that but at the same time have some doubt left, if he did it before, he can do it again. I've been asking him about it and he assured me that he's very happy with me and if our relationship ever got to the point where he was miserable, he'd finish with me instead of cheating.

To be fair it was just kissing (always considered cheating as sex/oral sex but I suppose kissing counts as well, its betrayal) and he's a really good, caring boyfriend in lots of ways. I do think that people make mistakes and if they are aware of it and feel terrible about it, it won't be repeated. I've made mistakes myself in the past with men , mistakes that I feel ashamed of but my bf doesn't hold it against me, as he knows I genuinely regret them. Should I just go with my heart instead of my head and stay with my bf? Or am I just being naive? I do realise its hard to make judgement without having met the guy but some outside advice might be nice.

How Strange

I suppose I had an idealised view of him. I do think that people make mistakes and if they are aware of it and feel terrible about it, it won't be repeated. Should I just go with my heart instead of my head and stay with my bf? Or am I just being naive? I do realise its hard to make judgement without having met the guy but some outside advice might be nice.

OP, you are being totally unreasonable. You have no right to make judgement on anyone. You didn't know your bf at the time, he kissed someone but even if he had slept with this woman what has it got to do with you. Yes, you are naive and judgemental and immature.

I hope you haven't voiced any of this to your bf. I think you have the self esteem/trust problem. What he did before he met you is none of your business. Even if he did truly awful things then it is still nothing to do with you. If you are being judgemental then you have the problem which you have to work through.

smcelhinney

How Strange wrote:

OP, you are being totally unreasonable. .... What he did before he met you is none of your business..

WRONG! Past, present and future acts dictate how a person was is, or will be. If this girl is planning a future with this guy, she has every right to know what type of character he was. He may have changed, granted, but thats not to say that he wont change again..

Please refrain from giving what is quite obviously subjective advice .. be objective about it.

How Strange

smcelhinney....Please refrain from giving what is quite obviously subjective advice .. be objective about it.

smcelhinney, I don't see how that is subjective advice. Her bf had a past before he met her, she doesn't like the idea that he snogged someone while he was in a relationship with another person and she can't get over it.

I think she should and has to get over it because she is being judgemental. Everyone has a past, everyone has done things that they regret so should we all expect to be judged by our next new bf?

MagicMarker

How Strange wrote:

smcelhinney, I don't see how that is subjective advice. Her bf had a past before he met her, she doesn't like the idea that he snogged someone while he was in a relationship with another person and she can't get over it.

I think she should and has to get over it because she is being judgemental. Everyone has a past, everyone has done things that they regret so should we all expect to be judged by our next new bf?

Well, yes.

I'm sorry, but if i met someone who had cheated on all their partners (yes i know it's slightly different from the ops story) then why should i trust them? I couldn't and i wouldn't. They don't deserve my trust.

BE GONE!!! I would say.

axer

smcelhinney wrote:

WRONG! Past, present and future acts dictate how a person was is, or will be. If this girl is planning a future with this guy, she has every right to know what type of character he was. He may have changed, granted, but thats not to say that he wont change again..

I agree completely.

OP: I don't think you should dump the guy because of this. He didn't do it to you and it was just a once off thing (I hope) its not like he is a serial cheater. If he was I would say dump him.

muppetkiller

ConfusedGal wrote:

..towards the end of his relationship with his ex. .......He was miserable at the time in a long distance relationship which was going badly.

His Relationship was more or less over ..it was going badly...It was long distance..give the guy a break.The fact that he feels guilty about snogging a girl when his own relationship was over in his head show's he's a pretty reasonable person in fact. He probably wanted to end the realtionship earlier but was too much of a chicken to do so.

If he had been in a relationship that was going well when he kissed her then yes you'd have cause for concern but give the guy a break. I'm more interested by your 'I've made mistakes myself in the past with men , mistakes that I feel ashamed of but my bf doesn't hold it against me, as he knows I genuinely regret them'.. Care to expand on that line ?

LegacyUser

Well, to the person who said don't judge him on his past, he was not happy to find out I'd had a couple of one night stands (total mistakes, was going through a bad time) but as soon as he got to know me he saw Im not the kind of girl who really sleeps around - I really really regret them and very much doubt I'd have another one after the emotional turmoil I went through. I don't think its THAT unreasonable to be unhappy with things in a persons past - after all, it potentially says a lot about who you are, but the question really is if the person has changed or not. I know a LOT of people are put off by a person who has cheated in the past because it often shows a lack of commitment and honesty. I agree with one of the posts that this really applies to serial cheaters though - not someone who had a drunken kiss they regret.

And for the one who called me judgemental and immature - I don't agree tbh. Maybe if this guy had been less judgemental about my own past (and I never betrayed anyone's trust, I am very loyal) I wouldn't have felt so upset about it. I don't think I'm being more paranoid than anyone would be, really. If you found out your boyfriend had murdered his ex, would you be comfortable being with him? I very much doubt it. We ALL judge people on their past actions to some extent, IMO, fairly or unfairly.

Thanks for the advice, I'm going to trust the guy since he has never been unfaithful to me and I have no real reason to think he would. Hope I'm not wrong.

Mr. Incognito

Get a grip. It was a drunken kiss ffs in another relationship, and he was honest enough to tell you about it. It's not an indicator that he's going to up and off. Judge him on his merits not your own insecurities.

Mountains out of molehills. Truly.

Zulu

I agree with How Strange here. Get over yourself, and come down off your pretentious high horse before you take a fall.
Peopl emake mistakes and do stupid things through out their lives. When you grow out of your pre-teens, and eventually teens, the world becomes a very gray place, where you realise that the people around your are every bit as flawed as yourself. You tend to become more forgiving of peoples flaws, because if you don't come to terms with human nature, you'll become very lonley.
By all means, stick to your rigid opinions, and feel free to judge and dismiss people as you will, but ask yourself, if you met a person like that, would you like them?

Wook

How Strange wrote:

OP, you are being totally unreasonable. You have no right to make judgement on anyone. . Yes, you are naive and judgemental and immature.I think you have the self esteem/trust problem. If you are being judgemental then you have the problem which you have to work through.

hows that working for you ?

seamus

ConfusedGal wrote:

He was miserable at the time in a long distance relationship which was going badly.

I think that's really the key here that you need to consider. This wasn't a random, I-don't-give-a-**** event in his past relationship. Perhaps he was at a point where he thought that relationship was actually dead - they'd had a serious argument or something, he went out and got drunk and some good attention from a female, which he hadn't experienced in a long time and one thing led to another.
The fact that he still feels bad about it say more about his character than the act in question. He's clearly a moral, decent person. But everyone is entitled to their mistakes.

I'm firmly of the belief that given the right circumstances and the right amount of time, anyone can falter in the fidelity stakes. In my head right now, I can say I would never do it, but then I've never been really, really low and depressed in a relationship. I accept that there's a possibility that it could all go so low and pear-shaped for me, that my head would be all over the place I wouldn't know what's what.

I've been in a long-distance relationship before and christ they're tough even when everything's going brilliant. If the two parties end up fighting or not getting on while putting up with a long distance relationship, it'll do all sorts of mad things in your head. It's a pity that he didn't end it before the incident, but breaking up is a pretty tough thing to do, especially when you can't see the other person face-to-face.

How Strange

IMO, the OP's reaction is out of proportion to what happened.

From her second post it seems her bf is equally as judgemental (doesn't like the idea that she had some one night stands) so maybe thats part of their relationship. I would guess that they are very young (early 20's max) but I reckon a couple of years more of dating/meeting new people should knock a few idealistic corners off them.

Hope she isn't single when she's 30 because she would have serious issues with any bf she meets at that age. I'm sure they will have had a sneaky snog or two or done a few things they aren't exactly proud of throughout their 20's.

shinny

For those of you saying that the OP is judging her b/f and he her, what do you think you are doing?!!

OP, I understand why you might be unsure of this, but sometimes you have to have faith and believe the person will not do this again. Perhaps he will, who knows, but if you feel he is worth that leap of faith, then go for it.

We are human and that makes us fallible, "To Err Is Human, To Forgive Divine"

axer

ConfusedGal wrote:

Thanks for the advice, I'm going to trust the guy since he has never been unfaithful to me and I have no real reason to think he would. Hope I'm not wrong.

Every relationship is a leap of faith. There is no way of knowing what a person will do in the future, even if they have never cheated before. I think you are doing the right thing given the situation and facts. Good luck in your future together.

LegacyUser

'If I started going out with someone and I found out that they had previously cheated, then I'd more than likely break up with them, depending on the situation.

I generally believe that a person is inclined to be a cheater, or isn't....and that's just the way they are etc. I KNOW that I would never ever cheat... (+believe me, I've been in a situation where one of the hotest guys I have ever met wanted it to happen, but I resisted).

I've seen a couple (good friends), where the guy cheated a few times on the girl...seriously hurting her etc...but they got over it and are completely in love now (all that cheating rubbish seems to be out of the way)...so that's another side of the coin. It's just my own personal thing, that if I found out a partner had previously cheated on another girlfriend....they'd be gone.'

Zulu

ConfusedGal wrote:

Maybe if this guy had been less judgemental about my own past (and I never betrayed anyone's trust, I am very loyal) I wouldn't have felt so upset about it.

So it's tit-for-tat then? I'm finding it difficult to make out your motivations here. It's because he cheated you want to split up right? or is it because you feel betrayed/ashamed by his reaction to you admitting to having one night stands?

I don't think I'm being more paranoid than anyone would be, really. If you found out your boyfriend had murdered his ex, would you be comfortable being with him? I very much doubt it.

So cheating is as bad as murder now is it? What point are you trying to make here?

What if I murdered someone, but it was to defend a child from being raped and killed? once a murderer always a murderer, right??

or if I stole a slice pan of bread off the door step of a multi-millionare (who made all his money on porn and arms dealing), and gave it to feed four orphan children, could I be trusted??? ...after all I'm a thief. You see, when you deal in polar views, all black and white, it doesn't really work out because people and the world we live in is a little more complex.

Thanks for the advice, I'm going to trust the guy since he has never been unfaithful to me and I have no real reason to think he would. Hope I'm not wrong.

...so you don't agree with us, but you agree we're right

whatever keeps you happy

Pinker

I honestly wonder about the replies people post, the OP asked for advice. She hasn't done anything wrong and yet she gets several posters caling her pretentious, naive, judgemental (the irony). I wonder how many others see it?. It's really annoying.

EG From Zulu "By all means, stick to your rigid opinions, and feel free to judge and dismiss people as you will, but ask yourself, if you met a person like that, would you like them?" Well Zulu I haven't met you but I seriously doubt if I'd like you, and the same to you How Strange.

Anyway OP, he told you the story, he was honest enough to do this so I'd say he's fine, as you say we all make mistakes and he claims to have learnt.

Maynooth

OP it sounds to me like you have a good guy there who made a little mistake a long time ago...which he regrets and told you about....your situation is different, it doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about.

Zulu

Pinker wrote:

I honestly wonder about the replies people post, the OP asked for advice. ... It's really annoyin.
EG From Zulu "By all means, stick to your rigid opinions, and feel free to judge and dismiss people as you will, but ask yourself, if you met a person like that, would you like them?"

You did actually get the point though didn't you? that we all have things we aren't proud of, and we'd all like to think that the sum or our greater achievements out weighs the sum of our lesser achievements; that someone would give us the benefit of the doubt; the chance to prove ourselves - especially our loved ones - you understood that point right?

Well Zulu I haven't met you but I seriously doubt if I'd like you

Awww, I'm heart broken. Honestly, a randomer off the internet mightn't like me


You've hurt me now.

azezil

Good lord, one drunken kiss he regrets ever happening in a failing relationship! Talk about over reacting!!

The only crime here is that he doesn't live up to your idealized image of him, you'll have to take the time to actually look at who he is now, not who you think he is.

Pinker

Zulu wrote:

Honestly,

You've hurt me now.

:eek:

God!I was only joking, seriously I'm sorry Zoolo I didn't realise you were so sensitive

Maple

Seriously OP, everyone is entitled to make a mistake. That was his. And its in the past and if he has done nothing in your present relationship to make you doubt him then you should give him the benefit of the doubt.

Manic Moran

I do think that people make mistakes and if they are aware of it and feel terrible about it, it won't be repeated.

Hammer, nail, head.

As others have mentioned, it may not even have been a mistake, as much as a breach in etiquette if his prior relationship was on the way out.

However, even if it was a mistake, the question is not 'did he make it', but 'did he learn from it?'

Heck, even that's not the question. The question is 'Do you have even the slightest inkling that he has not been honest, straightforward and true to you?' Your fears are insufficient, judge him purely by his actions. So far, it seems he's been honest enough.

NTM

SarahSassy

ConfusedGal wrote:

he was not happy to find out I'd had a couple of one night stands (total mistakes, was going through a bad time) but as soon as he got to know me he saw Im not the kind of girl who really sleeps around

Sounds like you are both very judgemental and that you feel justified in judging him as he judged you about your one night stands... You can let it eat you up or move on... He sounds like a genuine guy.

AckwelFoley

I think you may be a little hard on your bf.


I think if it was only that one time its not so bad, however i susoect that hes done it more than once, i think there are more cheaters out there than we are willing to admit.

Zulu

snyper wrote:

however i susoect that hes done it more than once,

This is based on what now exactly?

...pure speculation. :rolleyes: