Feeling undesired!

LegacyUser

Sorry folks,
This prob has been covered a million times already, but I'm new to boards & I just wanted to get your opinion:-

I have a wonderful life:- wonderful boyfriend, wonderful family, great job, comfortable with money, ...

Get on great with my bf, going out a while now, have the site for our house, deciding on plans for what we want to build etc, getting married in a few years, so it's a V serious relationship & he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
(Just a note:- it's him who's pushing the house thing, talking about our future & us being together,... I agree of course, but I'm in no way pushing him into anything)

Now, the downside:- we rarely have sex. The last time was 5 weeks ago (& this is the norm). We're in our late 20's.
We're not living together so that makes things a little tricky, he doesn't like the idea of doing it up an alley, in a car or the likes, nor in each others family home.
That leaves us a bit screwed (or not as the case may be!)

My problem:- I'm feeling a bit rejected & desperate.
The only time we have sex is when I book for us to go away somewhere for the night so we can have some quality time together.
When I do this there is no problems & we have a fantastic night & he's definitely into everything we do.
Problem is:- if I didn't arrange for us to go away, he never would. He never has.

Of course, with the house & all we're not going to have money to throw around, so the going away for a night is going to get less & less. What am I going to do?

I feel like I''m almost begging for sex. It'd just be nice for once for him to arrange for us to go away so that I'd know that he actually wants sex too & doesn't just comply because I arrange it.

I've brought it up in conversation a few times & I've gotten nowhere. He keeps saying for me not to worry about it. It'll work out, he'll sort it, but in all this time, nothing's changed.

I would never dream of being with someone else. Sorry for being graphic, but it's not the feeling of a bit of thrusting between my legs that I'm lacking (which could be fixed by any willing man), it's the whole act of being intimate with the man I'm absolutely crazy about. (I feel like we're almost just friends at the minute. Friends with an imense chemistry, but not much more than best friends)

I guess I'm almost afraid that the not living together is just an excuse, & if we actually were living together the situation would be no better. (I don't actually believe this to be the case, but maybe that's just hoping on my part)

I don't know what I'm expecting to hear from ye.

I guess I just needed to air this as it's getting me down a bit lately.
(It would suit us perfectly to go away this weekend & I'd love to go away, but I don't want to suggest it because I feel like I'm begging for sex again. Why can't he just suggest it? He had the perfect opportunity last night, & at one stage I thought he was about to, but as usual he said nothing.)

I know I'm going to get "you need to talk to him, not us" responses, I know that, but talking has done no good so far.

I guess all I really want to know from ye is if I'm right to feel like this, or how does reading this make you feel.

(Or anything that pops into your head at all)

Thanks for reading, sorry for i being long.

Beruthiel

Beggingforit wrote:

Problem is:- if I didn't arrange for us to go away, he never would. He never has.

have you asked him why not?

Of course, with the house & all we're not going to have money to throw around, so the going away for a night is going to get less & less. What am I going to do?

is there no possibility of finding somewhere to live together then?

I feel like I''m almost begging for sex. It'd just be nice for once for him to arrange for us to go away so that I'd know that he actually wants sex too & doesn't just comply because I arrange it.

isn't it time you talked to him about this?

(I feel like we're almost just friends at the minute. Friends with an imense chemistry, but not much more than best friends)

tell him that and he might just get the finger out

time to get him to read this thread me thinks...

dudara

I've brought it up in conversation a few times & I've gotten nowhere. He keeps saying for me not to worry about it. It'll work out, he'll sort it, but in all this time, nothing's changed.

It won't change all of a sudden in the future. You will have to force the issue into the open and face it together as a couple. This is setting the precedent for the rest of your lives.

A good sex life brings a fantastic intimacy to a couple, much more than anything else. You really have to make him talk about this, because otherwise this is going to fester and get worse, not better.

quad_red

dudara wrote:

A good sex life brings a fantastic intimacy to a couple, much more than anything else. You really have to make him talk about this, because otherwise this is going to fester and get worse, not better.

Agreed.

It's a good sign that when you do go away for a weekend he is enthusiastic and, ahem, 'up for it'.

But you can't go into marraige with such serious issues about a basic facet of your relationship. The house and the car bedamned - your immediate relationship is more important.

Beruthiel

quad_red wrote:

But you can't go into marraige with such serious issues about a basic facet of your relationship. The house and the car bedamned - your immediate relationship is more important.

agreed
I wouldn't even consider buying a house with someone I hadn't lived with for some length of time, how can you know it will work out if you haven't done that first?

LegacyUser

I know what you're saying.

But I just feel like I'm nagging when I keep bringing it up & he says again, don't worry about it.

& then if I get stressed over the fact that he says that (because it is a problem for me) then I feel like I'm begging even more!!!

He's just a V laid back type of person, never gets stessed over anything, never as much as raised his tone of voice with me, ever. He's a wonderful wonderful guy & in almost every respect I know how lucky I am to have him, but just not in one of the most important ways (I know sex isn't everything, but it's one of the greatest things to destroy a relationship when it's not right, & makes a relationship far far stronger when it is.)

I'm just fed up of it always being me who has to arrange to go away (& we're only going away for 1 reason, so it's me asking him "can we have sex this weekend")

Making an issue out of it makes me feel even more desperate.

Thanks for all your advice.

branners69

Not meaning to pry too much but is your fella carrying weight or would he be subconscious about anything?? You havent told him that the last fella you were with gave you a billion multiple orgasms or anything??

The reason I say it is maybe he has low self-esteem, he could have that 'why would want to shag me' in his head.. but obviously you want to but maybe he thinks its a charity shag cos you have to rather then cos you want to!!

But without a doubt you have to get it sorted, dont buy or build anything until you have lived together.. when a relationship is on the rocks getting into a 30 year mortgage will increase the odds of it finishing badly, in my opinion and experience!! Start talking with him and tell him how important this is to your relationship surviving..

Best of luck;)

LegacyUser

Hi Branners, thanks for your reply.

No, my bf has no excess weight. He's pretty fit:- does manual work so muscley arms, & plays soccer & hurling so nicely toned.
No hang ups there.

He's not a deep thinker so I'm 99.9% certain that he has no hangups about his appearance & me not wanting sex with him.

He's reassured often enough about my feelings / desire for him.

Maybe that's always been the norm for him, I don't know, but it certainly wasn't the norm for me before him.

Yea, the living together would be good (& sensible) but if we found out that all those problems disappear when we move in together & we're more sure about our future than ever, we couldn't afford a mortgage & rent at the same time & then moving back home would kill us both.

Years ago I lived away from home with a different partner & I know what it's like to move back home after that!!!