The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

MonkieSocks · 23-07-2015 5:04pm

Frank always looked on the bright side.

He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.

No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply,

"It could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said,

"Frank, did you hear about Tom?

He came home last night,
Found his wife in bed with another man,
shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That’s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!"

moneymad · 23-07-2015 10:00pm

What type of key opens every lock?

A Pikey

coolhull · 23-07-2015 10:20pm

Paddy goes for a job in a chemical factory.
Manager : ''Have you worked with chemicals before?''
Paddy : ''Begob, I certainly have''.
Manager : ''Can you tell me what nitrate is?''
Paddy : ''Well, I'm hoping 'tis going to be time-and-a-half''

Capt'n Midnight · 23-07-2015 11:10pm

My boss called me.

"Why are you late?!" he asked angrily.

"I'm stuck behind a group of bikers." I replied.

"Can't you just ask them to move over?" he said.

"But they look aggressive," I said, "And the barman hasn't served them yet."

Hagar7 · 24-07-2015 6:42pm

byronbay2 wrote: »

That's the best joke you ever heard??
!

Yeah,I got 25 years in jail for the murders,I'm released tomorrow and I'll be searching for you.

coolhull · 25-07-2015 12:47am

Murphy and Kelly need a few pints.
They put all their money together but still have only 60 cents
Murphy tells Kelly he has come up with a cunning plan
Murphy takes the 60 cents, goes into a butchers, and spends all the money on a single sausage
Going into a pub, they ask for two pints and drink them down quickly
When the barman asks for the money, Murphy sneaks the sausage into his fly and Kelly kneels in front of him and sucks it
Outraged, the barman throws them out
They go to a dozen other pubs and successfully pull the same stunt
Finally, Kelly complains, ‘’ I can’t do this any more. My knees are killing me’’
‘’Just your knees?’’ says Murphy. ‘’You’re lucky, I lost the sausage in the second pub’’

27-07-2015 6:47am

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a gards comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The garda was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a TD came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The TD
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
TDs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

EoghanIRL · 27-07-2015 12:55pm

^^ good one.

27-07-2015 6:11pm

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

‘You disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children? I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!’

And Paddy (for it was he) replied, ‘Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed, ‘but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

And Paddy began – ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for y ou last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has the same pair.’

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was very grateful for my understanding and help, and as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please… Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’

tayto lover · 27-07-2015 6:54pm

It was better the first time you told it

27-07-2015 7:29pm

tayto lover wrote: »

It was better the first time you told it

Bloody train got shunted, hhhit the key too many times ! :P

Hagar7 · 27-07-2015 8:52pm

EoghanIRL wrote: »

^^ good one.

Ahem,you do know there'll be a thank you card at your doorstep tomorrow morn and a dozen guys doing community service.:)

sm213 · 27-07-2015 9:10pm

The hardest part of Grandma's dementia was slowly watching her forget about dre.

Miss Demeanour · 30-07-2015 8:14pm

Have you heard about the man caught masturbating in the newsagents?
No!? I'm surprised.........!
It was all over the papers!

MonkieSocks · 31-07-2015 4:33pm

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says,

'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.

You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Capt'n Midnight · 31-07-2015 9:17pm

"Update the force, Luke"

Adobe Wan Kenobi

branie2 · 31-07-2015 10:32pm

What does Luke Skywalker shave with?

A laser blade

lulu1 · 01-08-2015 1:14am

The teacher was asking the class to make up a sentence with the word contagious

Mary put up her hand and said

Mammy told our neighbor that daddy is painting the fence but will take the contagious

Hermy · 01-08-2015 9:28am

That joke seems to be contagious.:D

Mr Tibbs · 01-08-2015 1:40pm

Steven Spielberg is in the process of making a new film about Osama Bin Laden, similar to "Ground Day"
The plot of the film is to kill him and resurrect him everyday.
It's to be called "RYCLING BIN"

rolliepoley · 02-08-2015 5:47pm

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

wylie · 02-08-2015 5:51pm

Whats black orange and dead.......

My Duracell batteries

rolliepoley · 02-08-2015 7:07pm

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

rolliepoley · 02-08-2015 7:15pm

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

Mr Tibbs · 02-08-2015 10:50pm

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm and says to the owner
I'd like to buy a horth. What kind of horse would you like
A female horth

So the owner shows him a mare. Nithe horth can I see her eyeth
The owner lifts the dwarf up and shows him the horses eyes.
Nice eyeth, can I see her teeth

So the owner lifts him up and shows him the horses teeth
Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth
The owner getting a bit agitated lifts up the dwarf and shows him the horses ears.

Nithe eerth, can I see her twot. Really pissed off now the owner picks up the dwarf lifts the horses tail and shoves his head in holding him there for a few seconds before leaving him down
Shaking his head, the dwarf says, pewhat's I should weefwaze that.

Can I see her wun awound

04-08-2015 6:43am

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,

'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Johnny said: “Well, I walked past Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mum had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
'Oh God! I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her.”

The nun had to leave the room.

coolhull · 04-08-2015 8:00pm

If a man speaks in the forest, and there's no woman there to hear him,..... Is he still wrong?

Mr Tibbs · 04-08-2015 10:31pm

I received a phone call from Irish Water this morning, the girl on the other end said my bill was outstanding.
Why thank you I said and hung up

Merrion · 04-08-2015 10:36pm

An old man went to his teenaged grandson's bedroom.

He said; "You spend all your time up here playing computer games. You should be out there, living life, seeing things, doing things, finding out what life is all about.

When I was your age, when I was 18, I went to Paris. I went to the Moulin Rouge. I drank all the booze and refused to pay for it. I took all the women and I beat up the bar man. That's what life is all about. Having adventures."

He went back a few days later and the boy is sitting there with his arm in a sling and a black eye. "What happened?," asked the old man.

"Well, I went to Paris. I went to the Moulin Rouge. I drank all the booze and refused to pay for it.I took all the women, then three bar men beat me up and threw me out."

"Oh," said the old man. "I'm sorry to hear the, who did you go with?"

"I went with me mates. Who did you go with?"

"The sixth panzer division."

Jim Stark · 04-08-2015 11:11pm

Guy goes to the supermarket....

Goes to the fresh produce section and picks up two oranges, two bananas, and two red apples and puts them in his trolley....

He then goes to the bakery and gets a loaf of bread and puts that into the trolley...

As he is walking towards the checkout he sees '2 for 1' advertised for bags of coffee and remembers that he is out of coffee so takes two bags and puts them in his trolley...

He's now at the checkout and there is a girl there... she takes the two oranges, scans them and puts them in a paper bag... she then takes the two bananas, scans them and puts them in the SAME paper bag... now she takes the two red apples, scans them and again puts them in the same paper bag with oranges and the bananas...

She then takes the two bags of coffee and puts them in a new paper bag... now she picks up the loaf of bread, flips it upside down and turns it around to find the barcode but there's none... she calls for another member of staff to do a price check and a young girl comes over with long red hair. She takes the loaf of bread, goes away, and after about 20 seconds comes back and tells the checkout girl that it is only one euro.

The girl now takes the loaf of bread and places it on top of the two bags of coffee and the guy stares at her... "Jesus you don't get a lot of dates, do you?" The checkout girl looks up at him in surprise and says "No... I don't! How did you know that??"

The guy replies "...because you're an ugly bitch."

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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