One-Liner Jokes

kano476 · 05-11-2003 10:12pm

whats the definition of a yankee? same as a quickee only you can do it yourself!

why did michael fall off the bike? because he was a fish.

Paddyo · 06-11-2003 2:42pm

My first attempt

Two nuns in a bath - ones says to the other - wheres the soap - the other says - yes, it does, doesnt it.

A gay astronaut wrote a book on returning form space - 'Out of orbit and into Herbert'

What do yo call a fly without wings - a walk

Paddyo

Coolz · 06-11-2003 3:01pm

Not one liners but here goes...

why did the electrician use his step ladder?
cos he didn't like his real ladder.

and

what's E.T. short for?
cos he's got little legs.

Xterminator · 07-11-2003 10:17am

Why was the bride smiling as she walked down the aisle?
Cause she knew she'd given her last blow job!

(True! True!)

X

Capt'n Midnight · 08-11-2003 11:03pm

Two nuns in a dark room one says wheres the candle
the other says - yes, it does, doesnt it.

This electrician arrived home at 3am
The wife says "wire you insulate?"

Suaimhneach · 11-11-2003 5:17pm

why did the man cross the road?
he heard the chicken was a slut.

why did the girl fall of the swing?
she had no arms

why didnt she get back up
she had no legs

many more to come...

A-Trak · 13-11-2003 4:35am

One for the elephant lovers...

Did you hear about the elephant with diarreah?
No?
It was all over town.

And on that note I'll bow out and introduce my good friend...............Ladies and gentlemen, the king 'o One Liners...
Rodney Dangerfield!!

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.

And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said .... Because you came home early.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ...but he pulled through.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.

On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

*Standing Ovation*

Jaymac23 · 13-11-2003 3:23pm

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist...

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder...
Get it out with Optrex...Spike Milligan(circa1970..)

Da_cOmRaDe_MiKe · 15-11-2003 2:30am

this is fowl but im sure it can be understood as a joke...

and i do apologise....

why dont knackers go for smear tests??

have you ever tried to open a toasted cheese sandwich??

___________

did any of ye ever see stevie wonders wife??

NO??

WELL NEITHER DID HE!!

UnrealQueen · 17-11-2003 11:38am

That toasted cheese sandwich one is DISGUSTING!!!!! :eek:

The_Goose · 18-11-2003 3:00pm

Originally posted by Capt'n Midnight
Two nuns in a dark room one says wheres the candle
the other says - yes, it does, doesnt it.

dont get it

davil · 20-11-2003 4:44pm

How d'ya make a dog drink??

Stick him in a blender!!!!

Not a one liner but helluva funny.

rocco · 21-11-2003 5:58pm

I like the cheese sambo one class

LegacyUser · 21-11-2003 6:03pm

why did the unbrella go to see a psychologist ?

cause he was having trouble opening up

LegacyUser · 25-11-2003 10:12am

why wasn't the boxer invited to any christmas parties ?

cause he was always getting punch drunk

Hagar · 25-11-2003 12:33pm

What goes "CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it?

Hellen Keller with a Rubix cube.

Linoge · 25-11-2003 4:55pm

A man walked into a bar...... that must have hurt

If I see another one of those jokes I'm gonna go crazy.

Q. What do knackers use for protection when they're having sex?
Ans. A bus shelter.

Something to add which will make me unpopular no doubt:

Feel free to change "knackers" to "Dubliners", it works just as well........

Da_cOmRaDe_MiKe · 27-11-2003 2:27am

my joke about the toasted cheese sandwich is NOT to be laughed at.

all you are allowed to do is post

"YUCK" "UGH" or "YOU ARE THE MOST DISCUSTING PERSON IN THE WORLD".

NO LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!

Hagar · 27-11-2003 12:56pm

Did you know that a woman is raped every 7 minutes in New York,
and she is getting f*ucking sick of it.

MrJoeSoap · 01-12-2003 1:58pm

Two sausages are in a frying pan, one turns to the other and says "Jeez, its getting hot in here". The other one says "AAAAAAGH, A TALKING SAUSAGE!!!!"

Absolute Genius.

Da_cOmRaDe_MiKe · 02-12-2003 1:04am

two S*A*R*S are sitting in a petri dish.
one turns to the other jesus im starving.
the otherone says tell me about it. id murder a chinese.

Horsefumbler · 02-12-2003 6:45pm

Originally posted by MrJoeSoap
Two sausages are in a frying pan, one turns to the other and says "Jeez, its getting hot in here". The other one says "AAAAAAGH, A TALKING SAUSAGE!!!!"

But wouldn't that make him a talking sausage? This joke can be told adifferent way, like with an animal and a person. Sorry but this had to be addressed.

BioHazRd · 03-12-2003 8:38am

Originally posted by Horsefumbler
But wouldn't that make him a talking sausage? This joke can be told adifferent way, like with an animal and a person. Sorry but this had to be addressed.

Horsefumbler, this is an old joke - not real life:rolleyes:

These one liners are for a giggle, not for deep analysis. I think some people need to get out more.

Bio

Unpossible · 03-12-2003 11:54am

pobodys nerfect!!!

<teacher>what happened to your program?
<me> K9 error, my dog ate it
(sorry)

wishlist.ie · 11-12-2003 9:33pm

why do nude female parachutists wear tampons???

it stops em whistling on the way down!!

heffo9 · 16-12-2003 10:30pm

did you here the one about the kerry man who invented the toilet, it was a dub who put the hole in it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when myra hindley and two children were walking up the moors, the two children said "myra we're scared", she replied "you's are scared, i have to walk back on me own!!!!!!

Walter Ego · 18-12-2003 2:10pm

I wanted to be Ireland's first masochist but someone beat me to it.

Capt'n Midnight · 18-12-2003 2:34pm

She was only a poteen makers daughter - but he loved her still.

Walter Ego · 18-12-2003 2:53pm

I asked Santa for something to wear and something to play with.
He left me a pair of trousers with a hole in the pocket.

trilo · 18-12-2003 11:21pm

This is my favouite joke and the one joke i only remember.. its good...i think... no actually its brilliant..

why are blond bimbo jokes so short?

so men can remember them....

hee hee

Capt'n Midnight · 19-12-2003 1:56am

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

What do you call someone who makes rash decisions ?
A dermatologist.

Capt'n Midnight · 19-12-2003 11:16pm

ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ, ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

Noel, Noel

Space Coyote · 20-12-2003 3:10am

That joke makes me wanna cry blood ! Oh the pain. :dunno:

Hey new smiley...wuhoo ! :dunno:

Walter Ego · 22-12-2003 8:17pm

She was only an architect's daughter but she let the Borough Surveyor.

Vader · 22-12-2003 9:54pm

Originally posted by Silent Death
She was only an architect's daughter but she let the Borough Surveyor.

omg thats shít

Capt'n Midnight · 22-12-2003 10:12pm

I wanted to be a milkman, but my plans turned sour.

Blade · 26-12-2003 10:32pm

What do you call a horse with only two legs?

Clip.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-12-2003 10:42pm

All horses have 6 legs ! - two legs at the back and forelegs in front.

plastic_axe · 02-01-2004 3:52am

whats blue and white and cant climb trees?

a fridge in a denim jacket.

a woman goes into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one!

a priest, a rabbi and the pope go into a bar and the barman says "what is this, a joke?"

Jk_Eire · 04-01-2004 4:34am

Why didnt the lifeguard save the hippy.......?
.
.
.
.
He was too far out

Capt'n Midnight · 04-01-2004 2:52pm

How do you circumcise a whale?
With four skin divers!

the whole year inn · 13-01-2004 11:07pm

What do gay horses eat?

hay (to be said in a gay voice and use appropriate hand movements)

gob_smacked

Capt'n Midnight · 13-01-2004 11:40pm

What do you call someone who thinks they are an opera singer ?

Placebo Domingo

Walter Ego · 14-01-2004 11:00am

First Atom: I think I have lost an electron.
Second Atom: Are you sure?
First Atom: I'm positive.

Mr Grumpy · 14-01-2004 1:12pm

Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.

Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk properly again.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.

A man walks into a pub.

He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?

A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?

Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

One.

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'

The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

Being raped.

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

KlodaX · 14-01-2004 1:19pm

lol .. . its funny cause its TRUE!!?!?!?!

kmart6 · 14-01-2004 5:25pm

Originally posted by Mr Grumpy
Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.

Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk properly again.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.

A man walks into a pub.

He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?

A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?

Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

One.

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'

The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

Being raped.

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

You should be banned for them:mad:

Vader · 14-01-2004 10:27pm

posted before under the title "unjokes". There are rules against spamming even if there are none for being an orsehole.

Mr Grumpy · 14-01-2004 11:27pm

Originally posted by Vader
posted before under the title "unjokes". There are rules against spamming even if there are none for being an orsehole.

Seeing as I only posted it once then it hardly qualifies as spamming. Other jokes have been repeated multiple times in this thread alone. Orsehole.

kmart. You should be banned for quoting a big chunk of text like that to voice your unrequired opinion. At least I contributed something relevant to the thread.

kenmobrien · 15-01-2004 6:34pm

did you hear about the dyslexic (ok I can't spell) guy who walks into a bra?

One-Liner Jokes

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