The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

tayto lover · 09-04-2015 10:48am

CUCINA wrote: »

I have a lot of fond memories of having fun with my friends as a kid...I remember we used to get into these big tyres and roll down the hill...they were the good years!

There was a hobo around here who used to sleep in a huge tyre.
It got punctured so now he's got a flat.

eisenberg1 · 09-04-2015 10:51am

chewed wrote: »

Knock knock?
Who's There?

The other pilot!

It was not funny the first time either.

JCX BXC · 09-04-2015 11:41am

chewed wrote: »

Knock knock?
Who's There?

The other pilot!

That ones just too much..

CUCINA · 09-04-2015 1:37pm

tayto lover wrote: »

There was a hobo around here who used to sleep in a huge tyre.
It got punctured so now he's got a flat.

We could start a new thread here!

mb1725 · 09-04-2015 1:48pm

CUCINA wrote: »

We could start a new thread here!

or tread!! (sorry)

Santa Cruz · 09-04-2015 2:05pm

Larry Murphy wants to know when can he get his spade back

rolliepoley · 09-04-2015 7:09pm

Baldrick: "What I want to know sir, is before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"

Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"

Baldrick: "Yes sir"

Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980's there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money.
On one side you had the major economies of France , Belgium, Holland and Germany , and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain , Greece, Ireland , Italy and Portugal .
They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".

Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it sir".

Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan".

Baldrick: "What was that then sir?"

Blackadder: "It was bollocks"

pippip · 09-04-2015 8:35pm

Sold my homing pigeons on ebay, third time this week.

Capt'n Midnight · 09-04-2015 8:49pm

"How would you describe yourself?" Asked the interviewer.

"Usually with words" I said, "but I've also been working on an interpretive dance if you'd prefer."

The huge oak in my UKIP supporting neighbour's garden blocks out the sun from the sycamore I have in my garden

I can't stand his bigger tree

I'm not surprised to hear that Banksy supports Sunderland FC.

They both draw for a living.

Mark Simpson, the man jailed for twelve years for selling sub-standard building materials to the government, escaped from Pentonville Prison this morning when the front fell off.

Lawyer "You said the plaintiff was shot in the woods?"

Doctor "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

McChubbin · 09-04-2015 8:59pm

One of my own:

What is German for "bra"?
Die Holtzemfromfloppen!

....I'll get me coat.

whiskeyman · 09-04-2015 9:06pm

^^

To add:

What's the German for constipation?

Farfrompoopin

sdoc13 · 09-04-2015 9:34pm

Whats the german for lubricant.

Dickslider

chewed · 10-04-2015 11:19am

I've got an inferiority complex.

But frankly, it's not a very good one.

Valetta · 10-04-2015 11:24am

pippip wrote: »

Sold my homing pigeons on ebay, third time this week.

I tried racing pigeons once, but it didn't work out.

I couldn't keep up with the f*ckers.

JCX BXC · 10-04-2015 11:53am

I thought that would be good, but the punchline was awful.

tastyt · 10-04-2015 12:48pm

A man walking through the Olympic village and sees a guy walking towards him with a big stick on his shoulder.

Man asks " excuse me, are you a pole vaulter? "

Reply " no I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walter ?"

chughes · 10-04-2015 12:48pm

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

A young Guarda rang the desk sergeant in the barracks.
Sir a woman is after shooting her husband dead for walking on her freshly moped floor.
Did you arrest her.
No sir the floor is still wet

As she said in her statement, "Cillit Bang - Bang! and the dirt is gone....."

CUCINA · 10-04-2015 1:40pm

chewed wrote: »

I've got an inferiority complex.

But frankly, it's not a very good one.

Modesty is one of my strong points.

10-04-2015 6:12pm

Procrastinator's reply;

10-04-2015 6:12pm

Procrastinator's reply;

Hotblack Desiato · 10-04-2015 7:11pm

We used to have a one-eyed Manx cat.

Could never tell if it was coming or going.

skinny90 · 10-04-2015 8:44pm

McChubbin wrote:

One of my own:

What is German for "bra"?
Die Holtzemfromfloppen!

....I'll get me coat.

What's the leading condom brand in Germany?
Fitzgud-entite

CUCINA · 11-04-2015 9:22am

Top Russian expert on the subject of castration:

Ivan Akovnokinyurbolokov

chughes · 11-04-2015 10:45am

CUCINA wrote: »

Top Russian expert on the subject of castration:

Ivan Akovnokinyurbolokov

There must be a few experts over there. I've heard about Sergei Kutchakokov.

eisenberg1 · 11-04-2015 10:48am

chughes wrote: »

There must be a few experts over there. I've heard about Sergei Kutchakokov.

And Ivan Chopabolokov.............

Capt'n Midnight · 11-04-2015 11:12am

During the Russian Civil war there were many instances of Mensheviks being dragged through the street by the Bolsheviks.

eisenberg1 · 11-04-2015 11:41am

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

During the Russian Civil war there were many instances of Mensheviks being dragged through the street by the Bolsheviks.

Cannot be any worse then getting dragged around by the Balubas:D

bonzodog2 · 11-04-2015 11:58am

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Cannot be any worse then getting dragged around by the Balubas:D

"Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" "No, but I've been swung around by the tits"

11-04-2015 12:22pm

Just ask any Scotsman who wears a kilt about how cold it gets around the trossachs in winter.

rolliepoley · 11-04-2015 12:33pm

I turned into a cat earlier.

Don't ask meow.

Filmer Paradise · 11-04-2015 1:06pm

A teacher asked his class to make a sentence using the word 'contagious'.

'Measles is contagious' said one pupil.

'Mumps is contagious' said another.

Johnny down the back stuck up his hand...

'Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush. My Daddy says it'll take the contagious to do it!'

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 11-04-2015 2:04pm

What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination?

Hand eyeeeyeeeeee

EoghanIRL · 14-04-2015 9:26pm

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?

Oscars Well. · 14-04-2015 9:27pm

Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong socks this morning.

gazump123 · 14-04-2015 9:51pm

What do you call a bagel that can fly?

A plain bagel

ohmslaw · 14-04-2015 11:52pm

EoghanIRL wrote: »

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?

So he wasn't even a little happy.

EoghanIRL · 15-04-2015 12:39am

ohmslaw wrote: »

So he wasn't even a little happy.

Well that might be a bit short sighted.

AndThatsAFact · 15-04-2015 12:45am

Man 1: "I can have any woman in this pub."

Man 2: "How's that then?"

Man 1: "I'm a rapist."

CUCINA · 15-04-2015 11:00am

PATIENT: Oh, doctor, I don't know how to thank you enough! I'ts just wonderful to be able to hear clearly again after all these years of struggling, trying to join in conversations and all that..."

DOCTOR: " That's no trouble, glad to be able to help..."

PATIENT: No, really, it's great now...how much do I owe you, doc?

DOCTOR: That'll be 300 Euro when you're ready, thanks".

PATIENT: "WHAT??!!!"

MRnotlob606 · 15-04-2015 11:09am

What do you call a white girl who can run faster than her brothers ?

A redneck virgin.

nootroc · 15-04-2015 5:46pm

Kid come home from school one day and says

'Hey dad I had sex with my history teacher today'.

Dad says 'that's great son, I'm proud of you, let's buy that bike you wanted'.

Kid says 'can you buy me a football instead'?...

My arse is still sore

everlast75 · 16-04-2015 10:06am

Recent Results for Lion King FC:

A win, away,
A win, away,
A win, away,
A win, away.

mikeymouse · 16-04-2015 12:52pm

fella comes home a bit worse for wear , barges into bedroom with a sheep under his arm and declares
" darling this is the pig I make love to when you're not in the mood"
wife looks up from her knitting , peers over her specs and says
" you're drunk again , that's not a pig , it's a sheep"

" I wasn't talking to you" he replied.

chewed · 16-04-2015 4:27pm

I told my husband I wanted something for my birthday that went from 0 to 80 in under four seconds.

He bought me some bathroom scales.

fryup · 16-04-2015 5:53pm

Oscars Well. wrote: »

Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong socks this morning.

blade1 · 16-04-2015 5:57pm

Oscars Well. wrote: »

Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong socks this morning.

fryup wrote: »

Serious??

JCX BXC · 16-04-2015 5:58pm

chewed wrote: »

I told my husband I wanted something for my birthday that went from 0 to 80 in under four seconds.

He bought me some bathroom scales.

That's the oldest one in the book.

MonkieSocks · 16-04-2015 6:16pm

EoghanIRL wrote: »

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?

What's Snow Whites Favourite Drink?

7up n' Cider

Buford T. Justice XIX · 16-04-2015 6:57pm

fryup wrote: »

Think....ermmm...cotton condom:pac:

valoren · 17-04-2015 4:59pm

David Hasselhoff goes to check into his Hotel.

"Your room is 202, Mr Hasselhoff"

"Miss, I prefer to be addressed as The Hoff"

"OK, The Hoff...no hassle"

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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