The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

The flying mouse · 23-12-2016 2:32pm

What has the titanic and the sixth sence got in common...

Icy dead people .

The flying mouse · 23-12-2016 2:37pm

A Priest is having Breakfast with a Hindu.

Priest: 'I've discovered an image of Jesus in my margarine!"

the Hindu replies: "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

The flying mouse · 23-12-2016 2:38pm

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday ?" I replied.

The flying mouse · 23-12-2016 2:41pm

And then the fight started

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

housetypeb · 23-12-2016 3:24pm

My wife has been nagging me to cut the lawn,the grass is over the bottom of the windows now.
But I'm stubborn.
I think the guy in the flat below us should cut it.

gitzy16v · 23-12-2016 3:28pm

A man got ran over by a red lorry then a yellow lorry then a red lorry then a yellow lorry.
The police said there was no easy way to tell his family......

mansize · 24-12-2016 12:35am

Sex and the City 2017:

Samantha: Putin? More like Put-it-in, honey ooo.
Charlotte: Samantha you're so ba—

everyone dies in a nuclear blast

Carry · 24-12-2016 12:55am

A catholic priest, a protestant vicar and a rabbi came together on a panel to discuss their opinions on the beginning of life.

The moderator asked: So, gentlemen, when do you think life begins?

Of course, says the priest, life begins at conception.

No, says the vicar, it begins at birth.

The rabbi shakes wisely his head and says:
No gentlemen, life begins when the kids finally leave the house and the dog is dead.

frag420 · 24-12-2016 4:09am

mansize wrote: »

Sex and the City 2017:

Samantha: Putin? More like Put-it-in, honey ooo.
Charlotte: Samantha you're so ba—

everyone dies in a nuclear blast

Including humour apparently....

mansize · 24-12-2016 8:11am

frag420 wrote: »

Including humour apparently....

http://giphy.com/gifs/NckQVLwKSDaZG/html5

Microdot · 24-12-2016 12:30pm

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 's**t happens'

Microdot · 24-12-2016 12:35pm

What is this Country coming to? After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

GBX · 26-12-2016 12:50pm

As a personal tribute to David Bowie, I've made a whole tin of Heroes last just for one day.....

Peregrine · 27-12-2016 5:49pm

What did the baby corn corn say to the mama corn?

"Where's pop corn?"

MonkieSocks · 27-12-2016 6:42pm

A teacher asks in class

"Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hoods girlfriend? "

Lad at the back raises his hand and shouts,

"yes Miss its Trudy Glenn miss"

"No No" the teacher replied. "Its Maid Marion"

But Miss i can remember how the song goes

"Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glenn"

King George VI · 28-12-2016 11:22am

Tea is more dangerous than beer. Please avoid drinking tea.

I discovered this last night, I had 14 beers till 3am at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home.

You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me, all night and even into the next morning.

Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, don't drink it...

28-12-2016 11:04pm

Wife texts husband on a cold morning "Windows frozen, won't open". Husband texts back "Pour on some lukewarm water and tap edges with hammer"
A few minutes later the wife texts back "Computer really messed up now".

coolhull · 29-12-2016 3:47pm

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell… Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said,

‘I want the bastard who pushed me in.’

The flying mouse · 02-01-2017 9:10am

I'm looking to start up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum.

Just need help getting it off the ground.

chewed · 06-01-2017 4:19pm

When I first met my girlfriend I knew she was a keeper.

She had massive gloves on.

Boom_Bap · 06-01-2017 4:20pm

What do you give the man that has everything?

Antibiotics.

06-01-2017 8:04pm

A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.'
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.
Oh and
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!
Send this to all that will appreciate it!
oh They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen!!
Hahahaha!

06-01-2017 9:57pm

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true? No more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off!... The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.
'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

Her husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook...you're gone.'

topmanamillion · 07-01-2017 12:45am

“You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!” - Dolly Parton

Microdot · 07-01-2017 1:12am

Mrs. Peterson went to the doctor: “I’m terribly worried about my boy. He thinks he’s a chicken.”

The doctor asked, “And how long has this been going on?”

“Almost a year,” Mrs. Peterson replied.

“Well for goodness sakes! Why didn’t you bring him to see me sooner?”

“Because we needed the eggs!”

Microdot · 07-01-2017 1:32am

The Worst Game Show Answers EVER!

Out of the mouths of babes …. and game show contestants… enjoy. (UK)

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for ‘cherrypickers’ and ‘cheesemongers’?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point.
Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What ‘K’ could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. . .
Wood: It’s got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence.)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don’t know.
White: I’ll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you’re not weak, you’re . .?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct – and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski: What’s the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don’t know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne *****son: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO, Wolverhampton
DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi’s first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM, Bristol

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don’t know, I wasn’t watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM, Ireland

Presenter: What is the name of the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The. .?
Caller: Mohicans.

RICHARD AND JUDY (C4))

Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I’m sorry; I don’t know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Q: What is the world’s largest continent?
A: The Pacific

RICHARD AND JUDY (C4))

Presenter: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Presenter: He makes bread. . .
Contestant: Err…
Presenter: He makes cakes . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

BREAKFAST SHOW (RADIO 1)

Chris Moyles: Which ‘s’ is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm. . .

Moyles: It begins with ‘s’ and rhymes with ‘perm’.
Contestant: Shark.

JAMES O’BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

O’Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth. . . er . . . Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn’t hear that,
I can let you try again.
Caller: Er . . . Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)

Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM’S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It’s a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

THE VAULT (ITV)

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (RADIO 2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Contestant: Basketball.

DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)

Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord Of The Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and . . ?
Contestant: Jelly.

FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)

Jodie Penfold: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word – CHED and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.

SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)

Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?

Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)

Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it’s not in Scotland, is it?

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne *****son: In traffic, what ‘j’ is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?

QUIZMANIA (ITV)

Greg Scott: We’re looking for an occupation beginning with T.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it’s ‘T’. ‘T’ for Tommy. ‘T’ for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, (pause) Doctor.

BIG QUIZ (LBC)

Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.
Contestant: Lepers.

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)

Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?

TALKSPORT

Andy Townsend: How many wheels does a tricycle have?
Caller: Two.
Townsend: The Beatles were known as the Fab…?
Caller: Five.

MAGIC 52 (NORTH-EAST ENGLAND)

Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm…
Presenter: Well, let’s put it this way – he didn’t see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?

WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? (ITV)

Chris Tarrant (asking the audience): ‘Jambon’ is the French for which food?
11 per cent of the audience: Jam.

DAVE LEE TRAVIS SHOW (BREEZE FM)

DLT: In which European country are there people called Walloons?
Contestant: Wales.

JANICE FORSYTH SHOW (BBC RADIO SCOTLAND)

Forsyth: What is India’s currency?
Contestant: Ramadan.

OWEN MONEY SHOW (BBC RADIO WALES)

Money: In 30 seconds, name as many well-known politicians as you can.
Caller: Er. . . Tony Brown. . . and Nigel Benn. (Silence.)

branie2 · 07-01-2017 5:40pm

What do you call Dr Watson when Sherlock isn't around?
Holmeless

coolhull · 09-01-2017 11:16pm

Putting the decorations away in the attic, I found an old copy of the 1977 TV Times, or as its called now, The Sex Offenders Register

10-01-2017 3:18pm

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed…
The police are blaming AL IKEA .

Jamie Oliver has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Oliver says it was a whisk he was prepared to take. ( Love it )

Police stopped a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway.
Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that........3 of you have got to get out!"

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
"Bollocks to that," said Paddy, "That's the last time I go lion dancing."

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year."
Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner. Took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots......
Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both are in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka.

In the first few days of the Olympics, eastern Europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD.'
Granny replies, 'Never mind the pills. Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?'

Gloomtastic! · 10-01-2017 3:31pm

Deleted User wrote: »

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed…
The police are blaming AL IKEA .

Jamie Oliver has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Oliver says it was a whisk he was prepared to take. ( Love it )
Police stopped a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway.
Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that........3 of you have got to get out!"

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
"Bollocks to that," said Paddy, "That's the last time I go lion dancing."

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year."
Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner. Took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots......
Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both are in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka.

In the first few days of the Olympics, eastern Europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD.'
Granny replies, 'Never mind the pills. Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?'

And here was me thinking Bernard Manning was dead!:rolleyes:

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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