Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Confused About my fiancé watching gay porn

Options
  • 25-07-2015 1:14pm
    #1
    brassbutterfly
    Registered Users Posts: 23 ✭


    So I'm not sure if this is in the right section or not but I would love a little guidance. I am currently expecting my finances baby. We are getting married next year. The other morning I went to print something from my other halfs laptop. I called to him in bed that I was just using it to print because my own laptop was too slow and he jumped out of bed and came running out of the bedroom to say he just needed to check something first. I knew he was deleting history but I took no notice and just assumed he didn't want me seeing some porn he had been looking at. I got to thinking later though that his reaction had been a little off as he knows I wouldn't have had a problem with him looking at porn and so I retrieved the deleted data to find a lot of gay porn sites that he had been visiting. Then I remembered years ago when we weren't going out too long I found gay porn on his household laptop-at the time he seemed shocked and although he didn't say it,he basically insinuated it was his stepfathers. I totally believed him at the time as I had no reason to doubt him. My question is, how do I handle this? Is he gay/bisexual/experimenting? I'm confused,pregnant and hormonal. Thanks in advance, only helpful comments please.


«1345678

Comments

  • Options
    #2
    seamus
    Registered Users Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    brassbutterfly wrote: »
    Is he gay/bisexual/experimenting?
    Yeah, possibly. That's no help to you unfortunately. There are apparently plenty of straight people who enjoy gay porn even though they have no desire to actually engage in gay sex. Even the taboo of it alone could be the turn on, rather than enjoying the nude men.

    For some reason, it's generally seen as fine for a straight woman to watch lesbian porn, but a man watching MM gay porn is automatically assumed to be gay or bi.

    If you're happy that he loves you and finds you attractive, then it's not really all that important what kind of porn he does and doesn't watch. While of course ideally you would both be open about what you do and do not like, it can be a deeply personal thing which most people find difficult to share even with their partners. This would especially be the case if he thinks that you would respect him less for what he does watch.

    If it's sufficiently bothering you, then burying it and forgetting about it probably isn't the healthiest. But if you do address it, you want to come from the point of view of, "I don't mind what you watch and I don't think less of you", rather than in a confrontational manner.


  • Options
    #3
    Adolescenteen
    Registered Users Posts: 66 ✭✭Adolescenteen


    seamus wrote: »
    There are apparently plenty of straight people who enjoy gay porn even though they have no desire to actually engage in gay sex. Even the taboo of it alone could be the turn on, rather than enjoying the nude men.

    I'm a straight male and I watch gay porn from time to time. I'm not even sure it's because of the taboo of it in my case, just sometimes I'm in a certain mood and state of arousal so I end up watching it.

    I used to question about whether this said anything about my sexuality, but when I tried to think of an occasion where I've been sexually attracted to a man, I could think of nothing. Sometimes I just find the idea of two men being attracted to each other appealing (so maybe it is because of the taboo!).

    To the OP. I can imagine your confusion, but I wouldn't draw any rash conclusions just yet. It could just be simple curiosity.


  • Options
    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I would say your partner needs to come clean with you what it is exactly he is doing. It is totally unfair of him to conceal these things from you. Especially if you are engaged, secrets like this only breed mistrust, regardless of whether it is merely a fantasy or not.


  • Options
    #5
    jobbridge4life
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,759 ✭✭✭jobbridge4life


    Anyone can come across legal porn of various types on-line without intending to or enjoying it. Sometimes one can stay for the curiosity/shock factor. If it was a lot and if it is an ongoing thing though there is definitely something about his sexuality he isn't being 100% honest to you about.


  • Options
    #6
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 14,344 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Talk to him about it, but as said above, being confrontational about it won't help and he'll just shy away from you about it a bit more, and possibly feel a bit shamed.

    Come across as understanding and be a bit playful about bringing it up or such. If he hasn't told you about it then he's obviously feeling a bit embarrassed or awkward about it, and the moment you mention it he's going to go straight into defensive-mode.


    I'll put my hands up and say that although I've seen a bit of gay porn in my time, it doesn't really appeal to me at all (well, not of the male/male variety anyway :P ). But everyone's got different tastes and as people have said above, enjoying something on a screen, doesn't necessarily mean he's looking to do it in real life.


    That said, of course, it could be just as likely that he is interested in doing it in real life. If he does want to have gay relationships, and you're not happy with that, it's best to address it before you get married.


    (That said, I'm no expert. So take my advice with a grain of salt, etc.)


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #7
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    Is it the watching of porn that's an issue for you, OP, or the type of porn? I wouldn't rush to too many conclusions, tbh I often watch gay m-m porn and I'm a lesbian!


  • Options
    #8
    kickthecan
    Registered Users Posts: 155 ✭✭kickthecan


    With all due respect your partner as much as he is yours and is about to marry you is entitled to his own space and independence. That can include being off doing his own thing with friends, hobbies that don't include you or in this case privacy watching this kind of porn. If he hasn't told you its because he feels ashamed, embarrassed or any other amount of reasons.

    As long as your relationship is healthy, you love him, he loves you, he treats you well and there is trust between you I wouldn't go digging. Just leave it imo. Im sure there are things you wouldn't like him to know that simply doesn't effect your relationship.


  • Options
    #9
    jobbridge4life
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,759 ✭✭✭jobbridge4life


    kickthecan wrote: »
    With all due respect your partner as much as he is yours and is about to marry you is entitled to his own space and independence. That can include being off doing his own thing with friends, hobbies that don't include you or in this case privacy watching this kind of porn. If he hasn't told you its because he feels ashamed, embarrassed or any other amount of reasons.

    As long as your relationship is healthy, you love him, he loves you, he treats you well and there is trust between you I wouldn't go digging. Just leave it imo. Im sure there are things you wouldn't like him to know that simply doesn't effect your relationship.

    OF course a person is entitled to the space and freedom but frankly IMHO not up to concealing parts of your sexuality from the person you are going to marry. Moreover lets be honest this isn't hiding a predilection for girls with ginger hair from your wife it may be hiding that you are sexually attracted to another sex altogether.

    The point is the fiancee deserves the truth and to enter into her marriage either being kept in the dark by her future husband or the very least suspicious that she might be is not the best course of action.


  • Options
    #10
    Pumpkin PJs Fan No.9
    Closed Accounts Posts: 87 ✭✭Pumpkin PJs Fan No.9


    kickthecan wrote: »
    With all due respect your partner as much as he is yours and is about to marry you is entitled to his own space and independence. That can include being off doing his own thing with friends, hobbies that don't include you or in this case privacy watching this kind of porn. If he hasn't told you its because he feels ashamed, embarrassed or any other amount of reasons.

    As long as your relationship is healthy, you love him, he loves you, he treats you well and there is trust between you I wouldn't go digging. Just leave it imo. Im sure there are things you wouldn't like him to know that simply doesn't effect your relationship.

    What?

    Seriously... What?

    Did you even read the OP?

    Obviously the relationship is already less than healthy due to her being aware of all this.


    Your logic equals... noTice a lump on your nuts that wasn't there last week - just ignore it... it will be fine...


    Again... What?

    Are you the Fiancé by any chance?

    ________________

    "How do I get the upside down question mark?"


  • Options
    #11
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,880 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Pumpkin PJs Fan No.9 wrote: »

    Are you the Fiancé by any chance?

    No need for a comment like this

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #12
    frostyjacks
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,951 ✭✭✭frostyjacks


    He's being dishonest with himself and his future wife. The fact he was so keen to cover his tracks shows that he knows what he is doing is wrong. If it had been one or two sites you could pass it off as curiosity, but the fact that it was a lot of sites would suggest it's something deeper.


  • Options
    #13
    kickthecan
    Registered Users Posts: 155 ✭✭kickthecan


    frostyjacks wrote: »
    He's being dishonest with himself and his future wife. The fact he was so keen to cover his tracks shows that he knows what he is doing is wrong. If it had been one or two sites you could pass it off as curiosity, but the fact that it was a lot of sites would suggest it's something deeper.

    You are just sensationalising it even more. Is there actually anyone in existence completely proud and open about their secrets. If she never came across the web history she recovered they could live and die together and never need to know these things.


  • Options
    #14
    wakka12
    Registered Users Posts: 9,786 ✭✭✭wakka12


    Well the vast majority of men who watch gay porn are in fact gay or bi..but I know of a small number of lads who are straight who sometimes enjoy it. So I wouldn't go worrying about it just yet. If you see him staring at hot men in public or making flirty eyes with your attractive male friends then maybe start to worry.


  • Options
    #15
    frostyjacks
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,951 ✭✭✭frostyjacks


    kickthecan wrote: »
    You are just sensationalising it even more. Is there actually anyone in existence completely proud and open about their secrets. If she never came across the web history she recovered they could live and die together and never need to know these things.

    I'm sensationalising? A man about to get married is viewing lots of gay porn sites, I'm not sure how to downplay that. Is it better to keep such things secret? If it was straight porn, possibly. But this is crossing the line.


  • Options
    #16
    Pumpkin PJs Fan No.9
    Closed Accounts Posts: 87 ✭✭Pumpkin PJs Fan No.9


    frostyjacks wrote: »
    I'm sensationalising? A man about to get married is viewing lots of gay porn sites, I'm not sure how to downplay that. Is it better to keep such things secret? If it was straight porn, possibly. But this is crossing the line.

    Well, regardless of the nature of the porn, he could be a "Looner" (look it up) for the sake of this debate, 'cause I think hiding any part of your sexuality from the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with, is a very bad way to start.

    And if he as been watching a lot of this material, well, he's obviously a curious kitty; he may act on these desires, he may not - but it doesn't change the fact that his fiancee is suffering from his lack of disclosure. Not a good way to begin a marriage.


  • Options
    #17
    jimdublin15
    Registered Users Posts: 244 ✭✭jimdublin15


    Your fiancée seems to have been watching gay porn.

    Maybe it's just fantasy or maybe he's BI . Who knows, and even if he was or is I'm not sure why that's a problem as long as its a fantasy he's not acting on.

    I mean I watch a wide range of porn myself but that does not means i actually want what is happening or being done in the porn to happen in real life .
    It's just fantasy, my fantasy.

    It's only really a problem if you think he is taking his porn to a different level and acting on it behind your back and if you're this worried about a bit of porn or the choice of porn it sounds to me you have bigger issues in the relationship to work on and that would be the trust level and room to still be yourselves within the relationship.

    As for retrieving the data from the laptop to find out what he has been looking at ...Would you accept it if your partner went looking in your bag ? Phone or laptop to see what you had been doing? Because I have to say I would not accept that level of snooping from a partner no matter what the circumstances it's just too controlling.


  • Options
    #18
    brassbutterfly
    Registered Users Posts: 23 ✭brassbutterfly


    Thanks for all the comments. We have since discussed the issue- I brought it up and he was very honest, explaining he watches a variety of porn. I realise now I shouldn't have gone snooping and I won't be doing it again. It served no purpose only to upset me (completely my own fault) which is something he would never set out to do. And some of you are correct, I wouldn't like him looking through my search history. It serves no purpose, only to upset and confuse when there is no need for same. Thanks for the feedback everybody.


  • Options
    #19
    kickthecan
    Registered Users Posts: 155 ✭✭kickthecan


    Told ya to just leave it. But its good you have peace now and hopefully you haven't listened to all the shock horror replies. We all have our guilty pleasures. Good luck with your marriage!!!


  • Options
    #20
    LorMal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,372 ✭✭✭LorMal


    frostyjacks wrote: »
    I'm sensationalising? A man about to get married is viewing lots of gay porn sites, I'm not sure how to downplay that. Is it better to keep such things secret? If it was straight porn, possibly. But this is crossing the line.

    I totally agree. I am a straight man and I would never watch gay porn. Not that I have a problem with it, but it really would do zero for me. (In fact I find porn in general pretty grotty).
    This chap is either gay or very uncertain. Either way, the OP needs to confront him.


  • Options
    #21
    kickthecan
    Registered Users Posts: 155 ✭✭kickthecan


    LorMal wrote: »
    I totally agree. I am a straight man and I would never watch gay porn. Not that I have a problem with it, but it really would do zero for me. (In fact I find porn in general pretty grotty).
    This chap is either gay or very uncertain. Either way, the OP needs to confront him.
    See post 18


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #22
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,880 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    LorMal wrote: »
    I totally agree. I am a straight man and I would never watch gay porn. Not that I have a problem with it, but it really would do zero for me. (In fact I find porn in general pretty grotty).
    This chap is either gay or very uncertain. Either way, the OP needs to confront him.

    Why is there an insistence to box people so restrictively? Maybe he's just a straight guy that likes gay porn.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Options
    #23
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    @Joey. And what interest would a straight man have in watching gay porn? Do you watch lesbian porn and get aroused by it? How do you propose a gay man would watch lesbian porn if he has no attraction/arousal towards females? She found gay porn on his old pc so there is obviously an attraction of some sort there. Yes we don't want to box people but we don't want to be completely daft either when the evidence is staring you right in the face. You don't watch gay porn unless you are aroused/attracted by men. A dose of cop on is needed. OP just ask him straight out is he gay or bi, no point finding out in 20 years because we don't want do box people.


  • Options
    #24
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    Joeytheparrot wrote: »
    Why is there an insistence to box people so restrictively? Maybe he's just a straight guy that likes gay porn.

    This is impossible. A straight guy is sexually attracted to females exclusively, if he likes gay porn then he isn't straight. No straight man is attracted to males engaging in sex. It's absolutely ludicrous what you're spouting. How many gay men secretly watch lesbian porn behind their boyfriends back? Lol they don't fancy women so would take no enjoyment from this. OP the warning signs are off the scale, I'd ask you not heed the advise of people who think straight people can "get off" to gay porn out of their own will. They are obsessed with not labeling people it's obstructing the ability to use common sense. Good luck


  • Options
    #25
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    kickthecan wrote: »
    See post 18

    For techniques on how ostriches bury their head in the sand. Of course her fiancee is going to say what she wants to hear if he's in the closet. And according to you him watching gay porn is a "Guilty pleasure" hmmm to take pleasure from something means you enjoy it and you can't enjoy gay porn unless you're sexually attracted to men and he's guilty about it too apparently, guilty because he's hiding his sexual attraction to men. Nice logic you have there. You live on la la land


  • Options
    #26
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,880 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Not everyone fits into this neat little binary of straight and gay.

    This is not really a new concept. There are lots of straight men (self defining as straight) who sometimes fantasise about other men or have sex with other men. Placing people into some rigid box that they must be gay or straight just because doesn't work for everyone. Of course most people do fit the labels/boxes but not everyone does and I really fail to see why these rigid labels/boxes are forced on people. It's defining yourself as an expert on someone elses life.

    The reality is labels and boxes are fine but sticking rigidly to them doesnt work. Even medical professionals realise this. They realised that lots of men who have sex with men did not self define as gay or bi.

    Nope not buying this idea at all that all people must be boxed into a rigid inflexible binary or even trinary label of straight, gay or bi.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Options
    #27
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,880 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Summertime8989 wrote: »
    This is impossible. A straight guy is sexually attracted to females exclusively, if he likes gay porn then he isn't straight. No straight man is attracted to males engaging in sex. It's absolutely ludicrous what you're spouting. How many gay men secretly watch lesbian porn behind their boyfriends back? Lol they don't fancy women so would take no enjoyment from this. OP the warning signs are off the scale, I'd ask you not heed the advise of people who think straight people can "get off" to gay porn out of their own will. They are obsessed with not labeling people it's obstructing the ability to use common sense. Good luck

    No. Its not impossible at all.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Options
    #28
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    " There are lots of straight men (self defining as straight) who sometimes fantasise about other men or have sex with other men. Placing people into some rigid box that they must be gay or straight just because doesn't work for everyone." See even you put "straight" in brackets and that proves my point exactly. If they are having sex with men or watching lots of gay porn for years then they are at least bi(No straight man would engage in those activities) sorry to disappoint whatever fantasy you may have. I didn't say everyone has to be straight or gay so I don't understand that ramble, he is at least bi if he's watching and climaxing to two men having sex on a frequent bases over the span of years


  • Options
    #29
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    Joeytheparrot wrote: »
    No. Its not impossible at all.

    So tell me this do you get aroused watching lesbian porn or does the idea of it do anything for you? How many gay men go online and watch lesbian porn that you know of instead of watching gay porn? If a gay man is aroused by two females having sex then he isn't completely gay. And you think straight men willing choose to watch gay porn over straight porn then you don't know what straight means.

    OP otherhalf obviously isn't completely straight, he at least has gay tendencies,if not bi or even closeted gay.

    Porn-sexually explicit videos, photographs, writings, or the like, produced to elicit sexual arousal
    Homosexual- sexually attracted to members of one's own sex: relating to sexual desire or behavior directed toward members of one's own

    You're barking mad to believe frequently watching gay porn over years and hiding it from your other half means you're entirely straight

    The dictionary must be wrong too, you don't buy it but that's the definition.


  • Options
    #30
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    In conclusion Joey thinks A) Straight men fantasise about having sex with men. B) Watch gay porn instead of straight porn. C) Have sex with men. D) They're still straight. K


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #31
    ixoy
    Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 17,990 Mod ✭✭✭✭ixoy


    Summertime8989 wrote: »
    In conclusion Joey thinks A) Straight men fantasise about having sex with men. B) Watch gay porn instead of straight porn. C) Have sex with men. D) They're still straight. K
    Eh no he doesn't. Joey thinks that some men, who identify as straight, on occasion like to watch gay porn as an alternative to only watching straight porn. That's very different to what you're trying to say.


Advertisement