The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

PLUG71 · 23-01-2015 6:28pm

Little girl says to her mom "mommy mommy why do I keep getting nose bleeds?"

Mommy replies " shut up c*nt face"

Well I find it funny

rolliepoley · 24-01-2015 2:08pm

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it
would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right.
We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

rolliepoley · 24-01-2015 2:18pm

One in three Americans weighs as much as the other two.

rolliepoley · 24-01-2015 2:20pm

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to
Ireland so that they can see their own doctor.

rolliepoley · 24-01-2015 5:04pm

Tesco has announced 20k new jobs to be created in the Ireland. The Prime Minister of Poland has welcomed the news.

Curly Judge · 26-01-2015 8:47pm

Tommy Cooper Lives

> The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum
> cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
>
>
> I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
> was
> standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3
> hours
> later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself,
> they've lost the
> plot!!
>
>
> My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
> our local
> pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one
> cheaper off
> the web.
>
>
> I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
> her
> balance, so I pushed her over.
>
>
> I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea
> move.
>
>
> I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was
> sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself,
> that
> guy's heading for a breakdown.
>
>
> Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
>
>
> My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe
> that,2:30am ?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
>
>
> Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
> "Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
>
>
> My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
> girlfriend yet.
>
>
> I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
> reincarnated
> but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to
> come
> back as a cow. I said "You're obviously not listening."
>
>
> The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
> worst. So
> I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
>
>
> Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
> Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
>
>
> Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and
> stopped
> breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her
> forehead and
> realised she was just on standby.
>
>
> The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table
> when she
> suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I
> thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
>
>
> When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they
> wouldn't
> feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a
> pair of
> sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the ***** thing!
>
>
> Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six
> people in
> the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following
> some kind
> of pattern.
>
>
> Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat
> it!
>
>
> A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and
> when he
> returns he notices his pick has been stolen.The bear is angry and
> reports the
> theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I
> forgot to
> tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
>
>
> Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
> "I'm sending a voice mail ya thick ***!"
>
>
> Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the
> head with a
> tennis ball.It was a lovely service.
>
>
> 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
> Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
>

Capt'n Midnight · 26-01-2015 10:46pm

Curly Judge wrote: »

Tommy Cooper Lives

There Tim Vine jokes aren't they ?

Glass coffins - will they catch on???

Remains to be seen...

got a call from my electric company to tell me that my bill was outstanding
I said thanks

At a party everyone is dancing and having a good time, except e^x who is sitting in the corner.
Sin(x) notices so comes over and says “Why don’t you stop moping in the corner and try and integrate yourself?"

e^x meekly responds, "I just can't. It'll make no difference!"

She's a girl of outstanding dimensions
(Two of which were her surgeon's inventions).
She's got 36D-
22-33,
And a PhD nobody mentions.

Here's another Paisley joke, as old as the ages...

I was walking down Belfast High Street last Saturday, and who should I see in the distance, Ian Paisley, standing there with a bike in his hands, above his head.

I went up to Paisley and asked him:

"Dr Paisley, why have you got that bicycle above your head?"

To which Paisley replies at the top of his voice:

"I'M HOLDING A RALEIGH!!""

What do you call a Judge with no thumbs?

Justice Fingers

Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.

Sky Sports are aggressively expanding their portfolio, and have just acquired
the rights to the world origami championships. Fans without premium channels
are, however, up in arms

Sadly it's pay-per-view

Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily I escaped with just some Super Fish oil injuries.....

Capt'n Midnight · 26-01-2015 11:00pm

Strachanisms

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were
better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there

Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the
England squad?
Strachan: I don't care, I'm Scottish!

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless."

Reporter: Is that your best start to a season?
Strachan: Well I've still got a job so it's far better than the
Coventry one, that's for sure.

Reporter: Are you getting where you want to be with this team?
Strachan: We're not doing bad. What do you expect us to be like? We
Were eighth in the league last year, in the cup final and we got into
Europe. I don't know where you expect me to get to. Do you expect us to win the Champions League?

Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.

Reporter: Gordon, Agustin Delgado?
Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yoghurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.

Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy
To get your first win under your belt, won't you?
Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to
Bother answering that one.

Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge.

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down.

Reporter: where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.

Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.

Reporter: "What is your impression of Jermaine Pennant?"
Strachan: "I don't do impressions"

Reporter: So Gordon, any changes then?
Strachan: Naw, still 5ft 6, ginger and a big nose!

Gary Lineker asked Gordon Strachan about the problems in the English camp , and finished by saying "Gordon , what would YOU do if you were English"

to which Strachan replied , completely deadpan "top maself"

just after he got the Southampton Job...they lost so he went into the dressing room and said O.K lads 9:00am tomorrow want you all in for training.

Next day 9:00am, no show for Gordon...then at 10:30 the team get a call,

Gordon: Right lads you wasted 90mins of my time yesterday, I wasted 90mins of yours today. So we're even. See you tomorrow at training."

Capt'n Midnight · 26-01-2015 11:10pm

Two men walk into a pet shop in Dingle.

They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's
truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass,
Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says,"Dis looks like a
grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders
and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and
throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down,
Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet
down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out
of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then hurls himself off the cliff and
disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry
with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting ... and now Sean and
his fook'n hengliding

(Boom, Boom)

auldgranny · 26-01-2015 11:21pm

Anyone else got a headache after all that?

Cheese Wagstaff · 27-01-2015 12:46am

What did 0 say to 8?

"Nice belt."

Flood · 27-01-2015 3:40am

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the Doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The Nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'"

The Doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."

liam24 · 27-01-2015 3:42am

What's the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman's mouth?
Einstein's cock!

fryup · 27-01-2015 10:40am

Cheese Wagstaff wrote: »

What did 0 say to 8?

"Nice belt."

sorry, don't get it

Michael D Not Higgins · 27-01-2015 10:51am

fryup wrote: »

sorry, don't get it

8 looks like a 0 with a tight belt around the middle.

rolliepoley · 27-01-2015 11:36pm

Guy goes to a tattoo parlour and asks the artist to do an Indian on his back. So the artist starts work on it. After a while the guy says, "Oh yeah, don't forget the tomahawk". The artist says, "Give me a chance, I've not finished his turban yet"

fryup · 27-01-2015 11:39pm

Michael D Not Higgins wrote: »

8 looks like a 0 with a tight belt around the middle.

surely its the other way around?

eamonnq · 28-01-2015 12:02am

fryup wrote: »

surely its the other way around?

Yeah, a zero looks like an 8 with no belt around the middle ??

Cheese Wagstaff · 28-01-2015 12:13am

Why did tan divide sine?

Just cos...

auldgranny · 28-01-2015 12:19am

Cheese Wagstaff wrote: »

Why did tan divide sine?

Just cos...

Cheese Wagstaff · 28-01-2015 12:39am

auldgranny wrote: »

Mathematically it works out and everything, it's amazing!

Flood · 28-01-2015 12:42am

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all,
And I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle. And then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly. We drank a bit more, Then she says that tonight
was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mum, you still awake?'

fryup · 28-01-2015 1:05am

fryup wrote: »

surely its the other way around?

eamonnq wrote: »

Yeah, a zero looks like an 8 with no belt around the middle ??

no, a zero looks like an eight with a belt around the middle

Buona Fortuna · 28-01-2015 8:28am

This woman looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

Michael D Not Higgins · 28-01-2015 10:14am

fryup wrote: »

no, a zero looks like an eight with a belt around the middle

lol wut

fryup · 28-01-2015 10:17am

^^^^^^^^^^^^

i'm saying the belt around the zero

Wossack · 28-01-2015 10:48am

looks like we're gonna need to break out the crayons..

FIN

yellowlabrador · 28-01-2015 11:01am

someone is having a blond moment:D

whiskeyman · 28-01-2015 11:07am

Good old 8 is looking well, and the belt really show's of their figure.
But 7 is still feeling down in the dumps for putting on too much weight...

7, 8, 9...

fryup · 28-01-2015 11:07am

so the joke is ..you put a tight belt around a zero...it becomes an eight in shape ?

Hermy · 28-01-2015 11:14am

No - this is the joke.

Cheese Wagstaff wrote: »

What did 0 say to 8?

"Nice belt."

civis_liberalis · 28-01-2015 12:40pm

There will be a belt soon enough if we don't move on from that shaggin joke anyway!

eamonnq · 28-01-2015 12:44pm

civis_liberalis wrote: »

There will be a belt soon enough if we don't move on from that shaggin joke anyway!

Why ? It's a belter !!

Cheese Wagstaff · 28-01-2015 12:45pm

civis_liberalis wrote: »

There will be a belt soon enough if we don't move on from that shaggin joke anyway!

The joke did nothing wrong, you leave the joke out of this

civis_liberalis · 28-01-2015 1:09pm

Cheese Wagstaff wrote: »

The joke did nothing wrong, you leave the joke out of this

I think you stand alone on that, Cheese.

fryup · 28-01-2015 6:40pm

fryup wrote: »

so the joke is ..you put a tight belt around a zero...it becomes an eight in shape ?

i am right aren't i ??

MonkieSocks · 28-01-2015 6:58pm

My dad worked for the National Road Network agency for 30 years before he got fired for stealing!

At first i didn’t believe it............but when i got home, all the signs were there!

rolliepoley · 28-01-2015 8:50pm

I made a belt out of watches once...

It was a complete waist of time.

CUCINA · 28-01-2015 9:00pm

There are three types of people in this world ...those who can count and those who can't. ..

Capt'n Midnight · 28-01-2015 9:16pm

There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those who understand binary and those who don't.

And those waiting for a ternary punchline.

Flood · 28-01-2015 10:56pm

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in- law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.
He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD,
and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

TheChevron · 29-01-2015 1:23pm

My friends were taking the piss out of my dog because he likes to play fetch.

I told them not to be giving him stick.

MonkeyTennis · 29-01-2015 2:16pm

Just to confirm. These are the best jokes you've ever heard?

tayto lover · 29-01-2015 3:56pm

MonkeyTennis wrote: »

Just to confirm. These are the best jokes you've ever heard?

You must have a few up your sleeve then yourself.
Go on then, let them rip.

TheChevron · 29-01-2015 4:40pm

Can we change the name of this thread to "The Joke Thread", for the benefit of the whingers.

blade1 · 29-01-2015 4:44pm

TheChevron wrote: »

Can we change the name of this thread to "The Joke Thread", for the benefit of the whingers.

Or the whinge thread even :pac:

Cheese Wagstaff · 29-01-2015 6:25pm

The 0 & 8 thread

yellowlabrador · 29-01-2015 6:30pm

Why was 6 scared of 7?

Cos 7,8,9.

Magico Gonzalez · 29-01-2015 6:35pm

We could rename it the 1980s joke thread?

The "Frank Carson want's his jokes back" thread?

The funny as a ripped scrotum thread?

ArnoldJRimmer · 29-01-2015 8:31pm

Magico Gonzalez wrote: »

We could rename it the 1980s joke thread?

The "Frank Carson want's his jokes back" thread?

The funny as a ripped scrotum thread?

Just for you, some Frank Carson classics:

My daughter came home one day and told me that she had some good news and some bad news about my car. She said 'The good news is that the airbag works.'

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

A guy walked into the pub with a cocker spaniel and I said: "No dogs allowed". He said: "You allow guide dogs." I said: "Yes but they are either Alsatians or Labradors." He said, "Ah s***, what have they given me?"

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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