The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Mean person Jokes - adopt as appropriate to Cavan / Scotland etc.


1.
Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Coconut?

A: You can get a drink out of a coconut.


2.
Finbar and the lads from Cavan are up in Dublin for the football. Afterwards they go
to Copper Face Jack's for a session and to try to pull some Nurses and Teachers.
Finbar ends up drinking free champagne with a Hen Party from Liverpool.
His luck gets better when the Hen, who is handcuffed to her matron of honour,
whispers in his ear "Come back to our hotel room and be my last fling."

So they jump into the back of a taxi and are heading for the hotel. The two
women start kissing and feeling each other up. Finbar is so turned on he
can hardly keep his eyes on the meter.


3.
Seamus in Virgina's farmhouse was ransacked and all his valuables taken.
The local Guard come over in the squad car and starts the investigation.

"Now Seamus," said the Guard taking out his notebook, "let's start in the sitting room."

"Right you are," says Seamus leading the Guard into the sitting room. "They took the TV,
the DVD player, the video, me camcorder and all me dvds. Everything gone."

"OK," says the Guard writing it all down. "We'll do the bedroom next"

So they go up to the bedroom. Seamus says "They took me clothes, the wife's clothes,
her jewellry, all me money I had under the mattress, everything gone.

"Right," says the Guard "we'll finish in the kitchen"

So they go down to the kitchen, Seamus outlines the damage once more:
"They took the cooker, the microwave, the food mixer,
the wee telly in the corner everything gone."

"Grand," says the Guard, "is there anything else you can tell me?"

"There is Guard" says Seamus, getting visibly upset.
"I had a grand big pot of stew on the cooker. They left it behind them,
but one of the dirty bast*rds took a sh*te in it, and I had to throw the half of it out."


4.
I heard a story about Mick Jagger from the Rolling Stones. Apparently he's really
mean. Anyway, a few years ago, their manager was being interviewed for some
music magazine.

After the interview was over, the journalist turns off his tape recorder and says
"Listen, I have to ask about this thing I heard. Apparently Mick Jagger was out
last month with a large group of friends for dinner in a swanky London restaurant.
There were more than 20 people in the party, ordering tons of stuff and having a
great night. When it was over, Mick paid the bill, and left a £1 tip. Is this true?"

The manager turns and says "I was there that night and no, that's not true.
Mick Jagger would never leave that kind of money lying around."

A man and a boy have been sitting out on a lake all day long ice
fishing. The man has been having no luck at all while the boy has been
pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man finally
leans over and asks the kid what his secret is.

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," is the reply.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," the kid repeats.

"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you."

The boy spits something into his hand and says very clearly, "You've
got to keep your worms warm!"

More Fishing:

3 Children come across an old man fishing.

One of the children asks. "Old man, have you caught any fish today?"

The old man replies:

"Childer, I have been fishing at this exact spot for over 60 years now, and it matters not whether I catch a fish. My dear children, many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after. One day you will understand".

The children fell silent, then one brave child stood forward and spoke.

"Old man, for over 60 years you have been fishing in a puddle, the river is over there".

We were having the craic in the job today about who is the boss at home,so when i got in from work i was feeling a bit brave and said to the wife where is my dinner bitch,she said here it is dear and gave me a lovely knuckle sandwich.
I was sh##ing teeth for days.

If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.
Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.

Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.

Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.

The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'.

And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."

Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."