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19-11-2014, 19:21   #6811
Mr Tibbs
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One day Enda Kenny was being driven around by his chauffer in county Mayo, meeting and greeting all his old friends. Suddenly the driver swerved to avoid a pothole and killed a pig near a farm. Enda said to the driver, go up to the farmer and tell him what happened and offer my deepest apologies.
So off the driver went and after about two hours came back down the lane with the clothes ripped off him a big smile on his face and a cigar in his mouth. What happened said Enda. Well sir said the driver, I went up to the house and said. Hello I'm Enda Kenny's driver and I had to swerve to avoid a pothole in the road and I killed the pig. The wife gave me a big hot meal, the farmer gave me a Havana cigar and their 19 year old daughter dragged me into her bedroom ripped off my clothes and screwed the brains out of me
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19-11-2014, 20:02   #6812
rolliepoley
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Little Johnnys Mum announces one night that she must go and see her Sister who is in the dumps and orders Johnnys Dad to cook tea for them both and then leaves for her Sisters..

Johnnys Dad isnt happy with the prospect of cooking and little Johnny is equally unhappy with Burnt Micro Chips for tea, so Dad asks what Johnny wants from the Chippy..

J: Oh, Cod n Chips Dad..
D: Ok son (and off he goes...)

At the chippy, Dad places the order to be told that they have no Cod left..

D: Ok.. Haddock then..
Assistant: Sorry sir.. we have no Fish left apart from this Scandinavian substitute fish called Bastard Haddock.. So called because it has no real parentage
D: Ok.. 2 Chips and 2 Bastard Haddock then.

He leaves with supper and returns home

J: Did you get it Dad?
D: Yes but they didnt have any Cod son... they only had this Bastard Haddock...

J: Oh, i love it when Mums away.... Pass the f**king Vinegar..
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22-11-2014, 00:34   #6813
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2b or not 2b. The artists dilemma .
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22-11-2014, 18:00   #6814
Capt'n Midnight
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*dusts these ones*


How do you double the value of a Lada?

Fill the petrol tank.




What's the difference between a Lada and a golf ball?

You can drive a golf ball 200 metres.



What do you call a Lada with twin exhaust pipes?

A wheelbarrow.




A man goes into a service-station and asks "Can I have a locking petrol cap for my Lada?"

"Okay" replied the man in the garage, "it seems a fair swap".




How do you tell if your Lada is made by prisoners or ordinary underpaid Russian workers?

The car assembled by prisioners has nothing missing.

How else can you tell if your Lada was built by prisoners?

Once it leaves the factory it runs. And runs and runs...



How do two Lada drivers recognise each other?

It's easy... They already met at the garage this morning.



How do you recognise a Lada Sport?

When the driver is wearing runners.





What's the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a Lada?

You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness.



Why do Lada's have heated rear windows ?

To keep your hands warm when pushing it.




Man buys a Lada but after only one day of ownership returns it to the garage.

"It's no good mate, the car's no good for me" says the man

"Why not?" asks the car dealer.

"See that steep hill over there?" says the man pointing

"Well it will only get up to seventy five up there!"

"That's not bad really sir, for a Lada especially. I can't see a problem with that"

"Trouble is" said the man, "I live at ninety five!"




How many people in a Lada?

One. The other three are pushing.



What do you call a Lada with a sunroof?

A skip.
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22-11-2014, 20:45   #6815
The One Doctor
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rolliepoley View Post
Little Johnnys Mum announces one night that she must go and see her Sister who is in the dumps and orders Johnnys Dad to cook tea for them both and then leaves for her Sisters..

Johnnys Dad isnt happy with the prospect of cooking and little Johnny is equally unhappy with Burnt Micro Chips for tea, so Dad asks what Johnny wants from the Chippy..

J: Oh, Cod n Chips Dad..
D: Ok son (and off he goes...)

At the chippy, Dad places the order to be told that they have no Cod left..

D: Ok.. Haddock then..
Assistant: Sorry sir.. we have no Fish left apart from this Scandinavian substitute fish called Bastard Haddock.. So called because it has no real parentage
D: Ok.. 2 Chips and 2 Bastard Haddock then.

He leaves with supper and returns home

J: Did you get it Dad?
D: Yes but they didnt have any Cod son... they only had this Bastard Haddock...

J: Oh, i love it when Mums away.... Pass the f**king Vinegar..
I don't get it.
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22-11-2014, 23:48   #6816
auldgranny
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Capt'n Midnight View Post
*dusts these ones*


How do you double the value of a Lada?

Fill the petrol tank.




What's the difference between a Lada and a golf ball?

You can drive a golf ball 200 metres.



What do you call a Lada with twin exhaust pipes?

A wheelbarrow.




A man goes into a service-station and asks "Can I have a locking petrol cap for my Lada?"

"Okay" replied the man in the garage, "it seems a fair swap".




How do you tell if your Lada is made by prisoners or ordinary underpaid Russian workers?

The car assembled by prisioners has nothing missing.

How else can you tell if your Lada was built by prisoners?

Once it leaves the factory it runs. And runs and runs...



How do two Lada drivers recognise each other?

It's easy... They already met at the garage this morning.



How do you recognise a Lada Sport?

When the driver is wearing runners.





What's the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a Lada?

You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness.



Why do Lada's have heated rear windows ?

To keep your hands warm when pushing it.




Man buys a Lada but after only one day of ownership returns it to the garage.

"It's no good mate, the car's no good for me" says the man

"Why not?" asks the car dealer.

"See that steep hill over there?" says the man pointing

"Well it will only get up to seventy five up there!"

"That's not bad really sir, for a Lada especially. I can't see a problem with that"

"Trouble is" said the man, "I live at ninety five!"




How many people in a Lada?

One. The other three are pushing.



What do you call a Lada with a sunroof?

A skip.

A Lada is now a Skoda
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23-11-2014, 01:13   #6817
EoghanIRL
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The One Doctor View Post
I don't get it.
I cri evry tim
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23-11-2014, 11:43   #6818
Capt'n Midnight
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Quote:
Originally Posted by auldgranny View Post
A Lada is now a Skoda
Motors forum is over there http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=546

I'll get popcorn
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23-11-2014, 14:24   #6819
rolliepoley
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Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox game.

Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of the Secret Service guys
leans forward and says something to the president.

Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently.
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy.
And, the fans would love it!"

So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want."
He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.

Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!"

Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong.


The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the First PITCH!"
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Yesterday, 19:57   #6820
rolliepoley
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This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an
angry member of the public.
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....


Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to
pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent , which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a
football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This
causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring
system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through
several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so
thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is
setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own a rms and legs off
then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to
lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with
them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be
dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)
when there are no mutants around, then drive up the street in a Panda
car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course
serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head
start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant.
Mr ?????

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer


Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book of Records.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin , such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance, as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
?????????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact
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