The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Little Johnnys Mum announces one night that she must go and see her Sister who is in the dumps and orders Johnnys Dad to cook tea for them both and then leaves for her Sisters..

Johnnys Dad isnt happy with the prospect of cooking and little Johnny is equally unhappy with Burnt Micro Chips for tea, so Dad asks what Johnny wants from the Chippy..

J: Oh, Cod n Chips Dad..
Ok son (and off he goes...)

At the chippy, Dad places the order to be told that they have no Cod left..

Ok.. Haddock then..
Assistant: Sorry sir.. we have no Fish left apart from this Scandinavian substitute fish called Bastard Haddock.. So called because it has no real parentage
Ok.. 2 Chips and 2 Bastard Haddock then.

He leaves with supper and returns home

J: Did you get it Dad?
Yes but they didnt have any Cod son... they only had this Bastard Haddock...

J: Oh, i love it when Mums away.... Pass the f**king Vinegar..

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an
angry member of the public.
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to
pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent , which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a
football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This
causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring
system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through
several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so
thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is
setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own a rms and legs off
then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to
lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with
them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be
dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)
when there are no mutants around, then drive up the street in a Panda
car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course
serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head
start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant.
Mr ?????

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer


Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book of Records.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin , such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance, as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
?????????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact

DrGreenthumb wrote: »

2CB or not 2CB, the ravers dilemma

2CB it is.

Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, nine inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .. They don't have balls to scratch!

I robbed a bank dressed as a frog last week. It was the first time I had kermited a crime.

What do feminists use for contraception?

Their personality.