The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

branie · 12-07-2014 8:33pm

What do you get if you cross a Kerryman with an elephant?

The Noble prize for biology, a Kerryman who will never forget you, and a dirty look from the elephant.

Capt'n Midnight · 12-07-2014 8:40pm

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.

We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!.

And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

rolliepoley · 13-07-2014 12:52am

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine? What's that?", she wanted to know.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!"

DEFTLEFTHAND · 13-07-2014 9:43am

A few from Dice Clay.. oohhh.

How do you confuse a liberal? You don't they're born that way. oooooh.:D

What do you call a basement full of liberals? A whine cellar. awoooooooh:D

What's the difference between a liberal and a puppy? A puppy stops whining after it grows up. ooooooooh

How could anybody go wrong with material like that, gets over time oooooooooh. big fan of Dice.

15-07-2014 7:14pm

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you fúcking Prick!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

16-07-2014 8:57pm

The only cow on a small farm in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Then the farmer found that he could buy a cow in Scotland quite
cheaply.

So, he brought the cow over from Scotland ... It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

He bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The farmer was very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The farmer was dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .

"You are truly a wise Vet," he said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife is from Scotland "

16-07-2014 9:44pm

What's the difference between a hospital and a brothel?

Nothing if you're Jimmy Savile.

Capt'n Midnight · 17-07-2014 8:45pm

Germany's Angela Merkel is said to be ecstatic after watching her team lift the World Cup.

"She's phoning and texting all her friends, she's so happy"

Said the NSA.

I failed my Wasp exam today. I only got a Bee.

Roger_007 · 18-07-2014 2:40am

Man.UnitedLad wrote: »

I see Air Craft Investigation are bringing out a box set on the Malaysian Airlines

To slightly misquote Oscar Wilde......'to lose one airplane is unfortunate, but to lose two seems like carelessness..'
:eek:

dubscottie · 18-07-2014 3:07am

3rdDegree · 18-07-2014 2:55pm

Roger_007 wrote: »

To slightly misquote Oscar Wilde......'to lose one airplane is unfortunate, but to lose two seems like carelessness..'
:eek:

May be a tad too soon for these!

foxy farmer · 18-07-2014 8:33pm

Farmer is out driving along a country road when he suddenly runs into a garda checkpoint. The garda does a thorough check on the vehicle. Tax and insurance are closely inspected. He checks the lights and looks at the tyres. He finally comes to the drivers door and says that all seems to be in order. The farmers dog was asleep in the passenger seat but wakes and starts growling when he hears the garda talking. Being thorough as always he asks "Does the dog have a licence?". The farmer replies " Yerrah no . Sher I do most of the driving meself."

Witchie · 19-07-2014 12:51pm

I'm heading out for a curry later with some Muslim friends. Hope I'm not up all night with the Shiites.

stefan idiot jones · 19-07-2014 1:09pm

Witchie wrote: »

I'm heading out for a curry later with some Muslim friends. Hope I'm not up all night with the Shiites.

Don't forget to put some toilet roll in the fridge before you go out.

rolliepoley · 19-07-2014 5:07pm

A teacher starts a new job at a primary school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a big football fan and supports Liverpool. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan miss," she replies. The teacher, still shocked asks:"Well, if you're not a Liverpool Fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Manchester United fan, and proud of it," Mary replies. The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, how come you're a Manchester United fan?"
"Because my mum and dad moved here from Trafford and are Manchester United fans, so I'm a Manchester United fan too!"
"Still," says the teacher, annoyed, "that's no reason for you to be a Manchester United fan as well. You don't have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief. Would you be like them then?"
"No," smiles Mary, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

foxy farmer · 19-07-2014 10:51pm

The parish priest was visiting an inner city school and was quizzing a class before their confirmation. He asked one lad "Where was Jesus born?" The lad replies "Not from around here anyway father. Sure he fell 3 times and never claimed a cent in compo!

funtime93 · 20-07-2014 10:11am

Once upon a time a woman left the kitchen.

EoghanIRL · 20-07-2014 10:14am

Why does Beyonce sing "To the left, to the left"

Because women have no rights.

stefan idiot jones · 20-07-2014 10:19am

How do you give a woman an orgasm?

Who cares?

A man is talking to his mate and he says to him 'I think my wife has died'.

His mate asks him what makes him think that?

He replies 'the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up'

Capt'n Midnight · 20-07-2014 12:00pm

funtime93 wrote: »

Once upon a time a woman left the kitchen.

to bring me a sandwich

nicowa · 20-07-2014 5:16pm

Fantastic three posts there lads... Really inspired.

EoghanIRL · 20-07-2014 7:51pm

nicowa wrote: »

Fantastic three posts there lads... Really inspired.

I do try . Donations welcome .

Capt'n Midnight · 20-07-2014 8:30pm

Tea is for mugs.

Oh, little town of Bethlehem...

You've five minutes to get out.

3rdDegree · 21-07-2014 2:57pm

Witchie wrote: »

I'm heading out for a curry later with some Muslim friends. Hope I'm not up all night with the Shiites.

Almost as bad:

Q. How do you infuriate a Muslim?
A. Tell him you're going to Killala at the weekend.

21-07-2014 4:09pm

Q. How do you infuriate a Muslim?
A. Tell him you're going to Mecca* at the weekend.

*To Play Bingo. :P

foxy farmer · 21-07-2014 6:06pm

A drunken man wandered into the ladies toilet in a hotel in Athlone by mistake and was heading for a cubicle unzipped and ready for action.
"Excuse me" squealed an elderly lady. " This is for ladies only".
Smiling he replied "So is this maam so is this"

Witchie · 21-07-2014 9:24pm

Did you hear about the pervert woodworm?

He ate the drawers off the dresser.

Hagar7 · 22-07-2014 7:20pm

Witchie wrote: »

Did you hear about the pervert woodworm?

He ate the drawers off the dresser.

That was so bad it was funny.:)

ScummyMan · 22-07-2014 7:55pm

What do you call a snobby criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

byrner88 · 23-07-2014 1:09am

Paul McCartney once said that he only writes music about things that are real.

Really Paul? And would you say you do this eight days a week?

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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