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Hi there,
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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

1127128130132133196

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,594 ✭✭✭johnnyrotten


    Why are the people living opposite Glasnevin cemetery not allowed to be buried there?
    Because they're not dead yet!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,014 ✭✭✭Maphisto


    THE OLDER WOMAN

    I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
    She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
    In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

    We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever Had a Sportsman's Double.
    'What's that?' I asked
    ..
    'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
    I said, 'No
    ,' - excitedly.We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
    I went back to her place.













    She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 803 ✭✭✭Rough Sleeper


    The 2 Garth Brooks gigs getting cancelled is one of the funniest things I've heard this year.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,045 ✭✭✭✭gramar


    The 2 Garth Brooks gigs getting cancelled is one of the funniest things I've heard this year.

    Hold onto your ribs...they might all be cancelled!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,635 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    gramar wrote: »
    Hold onto your ribs...they might all be cancelled!

    Nah, they'll switch them all to the Aviva. Too much money at stake...:rolleyes:


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 52,392 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    Nah, they'll switch them all to the Aviva. Too much money at stake...:rolleyes:

    The Aviva can't hold the same size of crowd though so would have to put on extra nights and Brooks might not be available.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,550 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Keats and Chapman once lived near a church. There was a heavy debt on it. The pastor made many efforts to clear the debt by promoting whist drives and raffles and the like, but was making little headway.

    He then heard of the popularity of these carnivals where you have swing-boats and round-abouts and fruit-machines and la boule and shooting galleries and every modern convenience. He thought to entertain the town with a week of this and hoped to make some money to reduce the debt.

    He hired one of these outfits but with his diminutive financial status he could only induce a very third-rate company to come. All their machinery was old and broken. On the opening day, as the steam organ blared forth, the heavens opened and disgorged sheets of icy rain. The scene, with its drenched and tawdry trappings, assumed the gaiety of a morgue. Keats and Chapman waded from stall to stall, soaked and disconsolate.

    Chapman (unwisely, perhaps) asked the poet what he thought of the fiesta. ‘A fête worse than debt,’ Keats said.

    Chapman collapsed into a trough of mud.

    Flann O’Brien.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,708 ✭✭✭Curly Judge


    I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish."I want to live forever," I said.
    "Sorry," said the fairy, "but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish."

    "Mmmm..." I said, "I want to die when England wins the World Cup again."
    "You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Garth Brooks: "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."





























    :pac:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,708 ✭✭✭Curly Judge


    After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.
    He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction!!!


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.

    "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.

    The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."

    "Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."

    "I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

    "Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

    "Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.

    After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though."


  • Registered Users Posts: 71 ✭✭grateface


    What's The difference between Busaras and a lobster with big tits?



    Ones a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,550 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    It's a do or dive for Robben as Netherlands play Argentina in the semifinals.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,249 ✭✭✭MaroonAndGreen


    Humans: the only creatures in this world who cut trees, make paper from it and then write,"SAVE TREES" on it.


  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THIS HAPPENED TO ME JUST YESTERDAY!



    I was beaten up by this woman.
    I was in the lift when she got in.
    I was staring at her boobs when she said,
    "Would you please press 1"

    So I did...and I don't remember much
    afterwards.
    May be out of the hospital in a few days.


  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
    mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
    gives him a partial sponge bath.

    "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
    here to wash your upper body and feet."

    He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
    testicles black?"

    Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
    from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
    and pulls back the covers.
    She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
    gently in the other.

    She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
    Sir. They look fine."

    The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
    very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
    very, very closely:

    Are - my - test - results - back?"


  • Registered Users Posts: 206 ✭✭michael.dublin


    A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the


  • Registered Users Posts: 206 ✭✭michael.dublin


    A very depressed man........

    There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying.""No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 18 cathyledger


    How do you cook a monkey

    You Gorilla


  • Registered Users Posts: 546 ✭✭✭Azwaldo55


    A rich banker who had destroyed the economy of his country was at death's door and a cardinal came personally to give him the sacrament of the sick so he could plead with him to repent of his sins and redeem himself and thereby something good could come of the national disaster.
    The banker laughed scornfully "Hell? Haha! I can beat hell! Muhahahahaha!" and then died of a massive heart attack.
    He arrived at the gates of hell where Satan himself greeted him.
    "Ho ho! I have been waiting for you!"
    The banker laughed.
    "Do your worst!"
    Satan showed him two doors - one led into a fast cavern full of millions of people burning and screaming in torment amid a lake of sulfur and the other led to a vast cavern full of millions of people up to their waists in a sea of sh*t but drinking tea and eating nice currant scones with raspberry jam.
    "Make your choice you cursed!" Satan said.
    Weighing it up the banker chose option two.
    When he waded into the sea of sh*t he found it stank something awful but was quite warm and comfortable after a few thousand years and besides the cups of tea and scones with jam just kept coming.
    He meet Saddam Hussein, Billy The Kid, Genghis Khan and John Wilkes Booth and many others and they turned out to be quite nice once you got to know them.
    After two billion years he became quite fond of hell and chuckled when he remembered that silly cardinal.
    Suddenly the voice of Satan rang out over the public address system.
    "Break is over lads. Back on your heads!"


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,161 ✭✭✭✭M5


    Most Embarassing Semi since I watched Brokeback Mountain with my Dad


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.

    Chris: OK Paddy, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:

    Ronnie Biggs

    Ronnie O'Sullivan

    Ronnie Corbett

    Ronnie Wood

    Take your time

    Paddy: I'll take the money Chris

    Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines

    Paddy: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money

    Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.

    Paddy: I know the answer Chris.

    Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?

    Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no feckin grass.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door (which is just outside Guadalajara).

    As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance.

    As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.

    "Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke (Don Pedro). "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

    "You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.

    So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

    His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

    With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! this not a Bacon Tree"

    . . . ."this..es ... a.... Ham bush"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too" then I said "but this is a dog" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "but you don't understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He replied that I must have been quite a kid.

    When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex. He said every room in this place is for sex. I said "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake all night" and the clerk replied "me too".

    I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I could have sold tickets for that "but you don't understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V." He called me a Show off.

    When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married". The judge said "me too". Then I told him that after we were married sex left me. He replied "me too".

    Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the alley at 4 am for?" I replied "I am looking for Sex" My case comes up in court on Friday.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    Some World Cup jokes ... Might as well :

    1) After his team was eliminated from the World Cup, The Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all expenses that fans of his country paid for to travel to Brazil.
    According to sources close to the player, he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.

    2) Brazil vs Germany

    3) Brazil vs Germany , the worst defence against Germany since Poland 1939.


  • Registered Users Posts: 206 ✭✭michael.dublin


    Be afraid if you annoy this husband......

    A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,550 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Last month I was diagnosed with kleptomania. But it's OK , I'm taking something for it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 206 ✭✭michael.dublin


    The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.
    1. It's an incentive to show up.
    2. It reduces stress.
    3. It leads to more honest communications.
    4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
    5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
    6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
    7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
    8. It encourages carpooling.
    9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
    10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
    11. It makes fellow employees look better.
    12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
    13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
    14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
    15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
    So, he asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies.

    "Fred what?" the officer asks.

    "Just Fred," the man responds.

    When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

    The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

    When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

    After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.

    Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant.

    She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.

    Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

    Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

    The officer walked away in tears laughing so hard and tore up the Warning Ticket.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune....

    "One US soldier is better than ten Taliban"

    The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes then ssilence. The voice then call out.....

    "One US soldier is better than one hundred Taliban"

    Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune, and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again....

    "One US soldier is better than one thousand Taliban".

    The enraged Taliban commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

    Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander..... "Don't send any more men... it's a trap... there's two of them!"...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,429 ✭✭✭branie


    What do you get if you cross a Kerryman with an elephant?

    The Noble prize for biology, a Kerryman who will never forget you, and a dirty look from the elephant.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,550 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

    The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

    The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.

    We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!.

    And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

    "No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

    "The 'here after' routine? What's that?", she wanted to know.

    "If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!"


  • Registered Users Posts: 16,500 ✭✭✭✭DEFTLEFTHAND


    A few from Dice Clay.. oohhh.

    How do you confuse a liberal? You don't they're born that way. oooooh.:D

    What do you call a basement full of liberals? A whine cellar. awoooooooh:D

    What's the difference between a liberal and a puppy? A puppy stops whining after it grows up. ooooooooh :D

    How could anybody go wrong with material like that, gets over time oooooooooh. big fan of Dice.


  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
    looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
    far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

    'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

    On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

    Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

    Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

    He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

    Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

    'I meant my dress size, you fúcking Prick!!!'

    The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.


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  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    The only cow on a small farm in Ireland stopped giving milk.

    Then the farmer found that he could buy a cow in Scotland quite
    cheaply.

    So, he brought the cow over from Scotland ... It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
    He bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
    so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

    They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
    whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

    No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.


    The farmer was very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

    "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
    If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

    The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
    before asking,

    "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

    The farmer was dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
    that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .

    "You are truly a wise Vet," he said.
    "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?

    The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

    "My wife is from Scotland "


  • Posts: 0 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    What's the difference between a hospital and a brothel?

    Nothing if you're Jimmy Savile.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,550 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Germany's Angela Merkel is said to be ecstatic after watching her team lift the World Cup.

    "She's phoning and texting all her friends, she's so happy"

    Said the NSA.









    I failed my Wasp exam today. I only got a Bee.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,886 ✭✭✭✭Roger_007


    I see Air Craft Investigation are bringing out a box set on the Malaysian Airlines

    To slightly misquote Oscar Wilde......'to lose one airplane is unfortunate, but to lose two seems like carelessness..'
    :eek:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 854 ✭✭✭dubscottie


    ..


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,263 ✭✭✭3rdDegree


    Roger_007 wrote: »
    To slightly misquote Oscar Wilde......'to lose one airplane is unfortunate, but to lose two seems like carelessness..'
    :eek:

    May be a tad too soon for these!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,194 ✭✭✭foxy farmer


    Farmer is out driving along a country road when he suddenly runs into a garda checkpoint. The garda does a thorough check on the vehicle. Tax and insurance are closely inspected. He checks the lights and looks at the tyres. He finally comes to the drivers door and says that all seems to be in order. The farmers dog was asleep in the passenger seat but wakes and starts growling when he hears the garda talking. Being thorough as always he asks "Does the dog have a licence?". The farmer replies " Yerrah no . Sher I do most of the driving meself."


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,597 ✭✭✭Witchie


    I'm heading out for a curry later with some Muslim friends. Hope I'm not up all night with the Shiites.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,518 ✭✭✭stefan idiot jones


    Witchie wrote: »
    I'm heading out for a curry later with some Muslim friends. Hope I'm not up all night with the Shiites.

    Don't forget to put some toilet roll in the fridge before you go out.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    A teacher starts a new job at a primary school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a big football fan and supports Liverpool. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
    Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
    "Because I'm not a Liverpool fan miss," she replies. The teacher, still shocked asks:"Well, if you're not a Liverpool Fan, then who are you a fan of?"
    "I'm a Manchester United fan, and proud of it," Mary replies. The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, how come you're a Manchester United fan?"
    "Because my mum and dad moved here from Trafford and are Manchester United fans, so I'm a Manchester United fan too!"
    "Still," says the teacher, annoyed, "that's no reason for you to be a Manchester United fan as well. You don't have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief. Would you be like them then?"
    "No," smiles Mary, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,194 ✭✭✭foxy farmer


    The parish priest was visiting an inner city school and was quizzing a class before their confirmation. He asked one lad "Where was Jesus born?" The lad replies "Not from around here anyway father. Sure he fell 3 times and never claimed a cent in compo!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 958 ✭✭✭funtime93


    Once upon a time a woman left the kitchen.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    Why does Beyonce sing "To the left, to the left"

    Because women have no rights.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,518 ✭✭✭stefan idiot jones


    How do you give a woman an orgasm?

    Who cares?






    A man is talking to his mate and he says to him 'I think my wife has died'.

    His mate asks him what makes him think that?

    He replies 'the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up'


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,550 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    funtime93 wrote: »
    Once upon a time a woman left the kitchen.
    to bring me a sandwich


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