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25-03-2015, 20:27   #7216
nootroc
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ohmslaw View Post
If God had wanted us to go metric there would have been 10 apostles not 12.


But she gave us 10 commandments
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25-03-2015, 22:30   #7217
EoghanIRL
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Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.
I can't wait to see how big my puppy got.
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25-03-2015, 22:47   #7218
Curly Judge
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The lawyer says to the very wealthy art collector tycoon:

“I have some good news and, I have some bad news….”

The tycoon replies: “I've had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first?

The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested £5000 in two pictures this
week that she figures are worth a minimum of £2 to £3 million.”

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…very good news indeed!
You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
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26-03-2015, 09:23   #7219
chughes
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nootroc View Post
But she gave us 10 commandments
I'm surprised that you think god is a woman. I would have thought that if god was a woman, semen would taste like chocolate......
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26-03-2015, 10:43   #7220
eisenberg1
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Originally Posted by chughes View Post
I'm surprised that you think god is a woman. I would have thought that if god was a woman, semen would taste like chocolate......
But it's very good for your complexion, remember that old nugget
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26-03-2015, 11:44   #7221
NormalBob Ubiquitypants
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The Law profession in one:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon when he realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field below. He lowers the balloon toward the man and shouts to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I am late to meet a friend, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below says, “I’m happy to help. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”

After a brief pause, the balloonist declares: “You must be a lawyer.”

“I am” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me I am sure is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”

The man below responds, “Indeed. And you … You must be a client.”

“Why, yes, I am,” replies the balloonist, “how in the world did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”
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26-03-2015, 17:30   #7222
gnarbarian
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Two cyclists were cycling along when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second guy replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second guy nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the toilet. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and sqeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"
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Yesterday, 17:51   #7223
ohmslaw
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nootroc View Post
But she gave us 10 commandments
Yeah but the only reason there were only 10 commandments was cos Moses dropped 2 of them on the way down the mountain.
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Yesterday, 17:52   #7224
ohmslaw
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nootroc View Post
But she gave us 10 commandments
Yeah but the only reason there were only 10 commandments was cos Moses dropped 2 of them on the way down the mountain.
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Yesterday, 19:35   #7225
eisenberg1
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ohmslaw View Post
Yeah but the only reason there were only 10 commandments was cos Moses dropped 2 of them on the way down the mountain.
He was in pain, so he took two tablets
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Yesterday, 20:26   #7226
Capt'n Midnight
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Frankenstein enters into a body building competition and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective.
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