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One-Liner Jokes

1…7172747677…118

Comments

  • #3652
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was just having a poo and ran out of loo paper so had to do that trousers-round-the-ankles waddle to get some .Bit embarrassing but I'm nearly at Tesco's now.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3653
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,673 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I wrote a song about a Tortilla.....
    but its probably more of a wrap ……………...
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3654
    TheBody
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,629 ✭✭✭TheBody


    Gwyneth Paltrow defends charging £58 for a vagina-scented candle, as making each one is very labia-intensive.


  • #3655
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A female weightlifter goes to the doc's: "I've been taking steroids, & now I've grown a Penis"

    "Anabolic" says the Doctor: "No just the penis!"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3656
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A Spanish magician was doing a magic trick.

    He said, Uno, Dos, and then he disappeared without a trace

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3657
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife’s New Years resolution was to run 5 miles a day.

    With any luck she’s 85 miles away now.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3658
    coolhull
    Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.


  • #3659
    NSAman
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,441 ✭✭✭NSAman


    Had a dyslexic agnostic insomniac friend,, he lay awake all night contemplating Dog.


  • #3660
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,673 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    What do you call a man with a small penis ?


    Justin
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



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  • #3661
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,673 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    If a man says you're ugly, he's being mean.
    If a woman says you're ugly, she's envious.

    If a little kid says you're ugly, you're ugly.
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3662
    subpar
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 498 ✭✭subpar


    If at first you don't succeed
    Then skydiving is not for you


  • #3663
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,673 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Lazy fact #1725402648207549












    ..You are too lazy to read that number
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3664
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,859 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    "Why do you want my daughter's hand in marriage? asked her father. "Because I'm tired of using my own," I replied.


  • #3665
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    TheBody wrote: »
    Gwyneth Paltrow defends charging £58 for a vagina-scented candle, as making each one is very labia-intensive.


    She should be brought before the trading standards and advertising standards authority.

    How can she prove that they smell like her growler

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3666
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do suicide bombers put on their burgers?






    Martyr sauce.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3667
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Did you hear about the pig that was caught red-trottered stealing stuff from a private house?




    Got sent down for Bacon and entering.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3668
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,673 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
    One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?”

    The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3669
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I’ve just bought a musical eco-kettle.

    It makes so-la-ti

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3670
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Two flies in a kitchen which ones the cowboy?

    The one on the range

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3671
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    They told me that I wouldn't be any good at poetry because of my dyslexia

    But so far I have made 3 jugs and a vase !

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3672
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Supervisor: Why do I always have to always come looking for you?!

    Me: Because a good worker is hard to find.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3673
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,673 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    "No, we don't serve time travellers in here" ….




    A time traveller walks into a bar ...
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3674
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,673 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Someone threw a bottle of Mayo at me !!!!!


    I was like, What the Hellman !?!
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3675
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I’ve made up several jokes about benefits scroungers and the unemployed.

    But none of them work.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3676
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I threw a boomerang away a few years ago.


    I now live in constant fear

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3677
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,673 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    What if everyone on the plane yawned at the same time?

    And the deaf person thought everyone was screaming!
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3678
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,020 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    I threw a boomerang away a few years ago.

    I now live in constant fear


    Once, in Australia, I threw a curved, flattish stick. I can't remember what it's called, but it'll get back to me.


  • #3679
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,673 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    My wife couldn't handle my obsession with Japanese food …..



    Sushi left me …….
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3680
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,673 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    What Spice girl can carry the most petrol ?







    Geri can …………………………………….
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3681
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    'Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.




    I see a lot of new faces tonight, which is disappointing'

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3682
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,673 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I looked up an old girlfriend today ……

    One of the perks of being a gynacologist …...
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3683
    Ragnar Lothbrok
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,860 ✭✭✭Ragnar Lothbrok


    I love Monkiesocks and greenspurs. Never fail to bring a bit of joy into my life each day.

    Thank you both :)


  • #3684
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.

    Should have put it on aloha setting.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3685
    coolhull
    Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    Gardaí in Lifford Co Donegal are hunting a woman known as the “Knitting Needle Nutter”who has stabbed six people in the bum in the last 24 hours. Chief Superintendent Tommy Ballcock in Letterkenny believes the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


  • #3686
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,673 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Only 1 week until Pancake day !!!!


    Jeez, it really creped up on me …….
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3687
    Gloomtastic!
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,622 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    I have my Pest Control exams today. I was swatting all night.


  • #3688
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I tried Oasis soup in a cafe the other day.

    It was just like any other soup but you got a roll with it

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3689
    Wtf ?
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 343 ✭✭Wtf ?


    I thought I was great in bed
    Until she told me she had asthma....


  • #3690
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Elton John is upset that he lost his E-Reader in the recent storm.

    Yep ,Kindle in the wind .

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3691
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,673 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I had to do a survey on people walking home from the pub....


    The results were staggering …………….
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3692
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,673 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    The world paper tearing champion has died.



    Rip ……….
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3693
    Titclamp
    Closed Accounts Posts: 409 ✭✭Titclamp


    How do you open a door.















    ...................


  • #3694
    Gloomtastic!
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,622 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    Titclamp wrote: »
    How do you open a door.















    ...................

    :confused:


  • #3695
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,673 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Titclamp wrote: »
    How do you open a door....................
    Gloomtastic! wrote: »
    :confused:

    https://www.wikihow.com/Unlock-a-Door


    Are you in trouble ??

    If it says "Push" … shove it...

    If it says "Pull" … grab the handle and pull it towards you …..

    It might also say "Automatic door" , you then have to trust the technology, and just walk towards it … Blind faith ..
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3696
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I told my Son to eat the left overs in the fridge.




    Silly sod nearly froze to death.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3697
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,859 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    Started a new job at the Samaritans last week.
    Tried to ring in sick this morning & they talked me out of it!


  • #3698
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    2 ducks flying over Northern Ireland, one says to the other "Quack."

    The other says "I'm going as fast as I can."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3699
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,673 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Will glass coffins become more popular ?



    Remains to be seen ………
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3700
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    I know a midget who was pickpocketed last week. I didn't think anybody could stoop so low.


    PC version - I know a person of short stature who was pickpocketed last week..........


  • #3701
    Wtf ?
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 343 ✭✭Wtf ?


    I started a band called 1023 Megabytes.

    We still haven’t got a gig.


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