One-Liner Jokes

BaZmO* · 05-12-2004 7:51pm

herobear wrote:

thats so stupid jeez, humans are made with meat too, but we dont each other

It's called a joke!! :rolleyes:

Frank Drebin · 05-12-2004 8:30pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

Q: What is the difference between a hedgehog and a porsche
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

The joke started with a hedgehog..... Where did the porcupine come from?
I get the idea though. And your post had me in stitches laughing!

Lump · 05-12-2004 10:30pm

Frank Drebin wrote:

The joke started with a hedgehog..... Where did the porcupine come from?
I get the idea though. And your post had me in stitches laughing!

How can you make a balls up of a one liner?

John

Still made me laugh.

JackKelly · 08-12-2004 11:42pm

Frank Drebin wrote:

The joke started with a hedgehog..... Where did the porcupine come from?
I get the idea though. And your post had me in stitches laughing!

lol.classic.

spunkymunky · 11-12-2004 6:56am

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Doug

What do you call a man with no shovel in his head?
Dougless

What do call an epileptic in a bush?
Russell

What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in water?
Bob

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
Roberto

2 Gay men are at a carnival and one goes up on the farus wheel. After about 5 minutes the wheel crashes to the ground with everybody on it. The gay man on the ground runs over and find his friend and asks
"are you alright"
To which the other replies
"No im not alright, the wheel went round twice and you only waved once"

Capt'n Midnight · 12-12-2004 12:24am

Frank Drebin wrote:

The joke started with a hedgehog..... Where did the porcupine come from?

The are both the same, except for the echidna.

What do you call a man at the end of a pier ? - Rod

Frank Drebin · 12-12-2004 3:40pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

The are both the same, except for the echidna.

Echidna: An oviparous spiny-coated toothless burrowing nocturnal monotreme mammal (Tachyglossus aculeatus) of Australia, Tasmania, and New Guinea that has a long extensile tongue and long heavy claws and that feeds chiefly on ants; also : a related mammal (Zaglossus bruijni) of New Guinea having a longer snout and shorter spines. (Neither a hedgehog nor a porcupine!)

StupidLikeAFox · 12-12-2004 4:07pm

What's the difference between a wife and a job?
After 5 years, the job still sucks

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

Capt'n Midnight · 12-12-2004 10:29pm

Bob Hope..
''I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance--waiting for the bathroom.''

''My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar--I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.''

"'It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward...I came out in sympathy.''

''Those were really tough times in vaudeville. I wouldn't have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the audience throwing stuff at me.''

''A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.''

''I have this terrific make-up man. But he's expensive. Have to bring him in from Lourdes.''

To GIs based in Alaska: ''Be happy you guys. Be proud! You know what you are: you're God's frozen people.''

To a group of amputees: "Please don't stand up on my account.''

''When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.''

''A rather chubby lady walked by and the panhandler went into his pitch and he said, 'Ma'am I haven't eaten in three days.' She said, 'Gee I sure wish I had your willpower.' ''

''Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.''

padster · 23-12-2004 9:45pm

what does the average packistani weigh ..............................sweets

doug1970 · 02-01-2005 8:38pm

rang the chinese and a blonde bird answered the phone...
"do you deliver?" i asked
..."no, sorry" she replied....."we just do chicken and beef"
........???

yeraulone · 21-01-2005 10:26pm

did you hear about the cannibal who ate his girlfriend?.....

he dumped her the next day.

Peteee · 30-01-2005 2:13am

what does DNA stand for...................

National Dyslexic association
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Korvanica · 30-01-2005 2:21am

Whats The Difference Between an Orange?......

The Higher You Go The Much....

edson · 02-02-2005 5:21pm

What do you call a 3 legged donkey?

Wonkey

Megatron · 02-02-2005 5:31pm

2 canibals sitting down eating a clow , 1st looks at the 2nd and says " does this taste funny to you ?"

What do you call a three legged dokey elivs impersonator ?

A Honkey tonkey wonkey

what do you get if you cross a elephant and a Rhino ?

Elephino ( pronounced : hell if i know)

omnicorp · 04-02-2005 11:15pm

Working with this company is like sleeping with a hedgehog
1 prick working against thousands

Jonny Arson · 07-02-2005 10:12am

I invented the balaclava ..... I never got any RECOGNITION for it.

I invented the mobile phone top up ...... I never got any CREDIT for it.

Gone West · 09-02-2005 10:42pm

whats the difference between a woman and a computer?
A woman wont take a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

Nialooo · 13-02-2005 10:42pm

Cozpyro wrote:

Nah, but I do know Logs Burn

i know Mike Rotch,Robin Banks,Hugh Jass,Anita Bath,Amanda Hugginkis :cool:

Buttmunchy · 16-02-2005 5:09pm

What's wrinkly and pink and hangs out your pajamas?
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>

Your Mother. :P

bang_bang_rosie · 24-02-2005 6:41pm

What's the similarity between a christmas tree and a man who's had a vasectomy?

The balls are purely for decoration.

love it

Raytown Rocks · 25-02-2005 1:19pm

Jesus said to Moses
"come forth and you shall inherit the world"
but he came fifth and won a toaster.

BaZmO* · 25-02-2005 1:28pm

chef wrote:

Jesus said to Moses
"come forth and you shall inherit the world"
but he came fifth and won a toaster.

LOL. I like that one!

B.

den.fitz · 25-02-2005 9:08pm

Craig DUff decides he has enough...
he packs his bags,
wipes his face,
drops the kids off at the park
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He wasnt going anywhere
-Sex

mightymoose · 26-02-2005 4:44pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

by far the best

Bloody Drunkard · 01-03-2005 12:39pm

What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive.....

Popeye kicked the **** out of him

Zombienosh · 10-03-2005 1:22am

What do ya call a fried egg on a moped?

.
A mad yoke.

TerrorFirmer · 10-03-2005 1:36pm

"Why did the plane crash? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread"

Thats funny, I spent ages looking through all these and that the funniest by far.

Why do Frenchmen never suffer from piles? Because when god created them he created the perfect arsehole.

Tiersal · 10-03-2005 10:20pm

"What's orange and sounds like a parrot?"

"A Carrot!"

danniemcq · 11-03-2005 10:04pm

what do you call a bassist with no ass???

A Bist!

The Fitz · 12-03-2005 11:48am

what separates us from the animals?

The liffey!

What d'ya call a northsider in a suit?

A defendant!

Why should you never knock a northsider off a bike?

It might be your bike!

The Fitz · 12-03-2005 11:49am

Why are all these jokes one liners?

so i can understand em!!

Diarmsquid · 17-03-2005 9:09pm

The Fitz wrote:

what separates us from the animals?

The liffey!

What d'ya call a northsider in a suit?

A defendant!

Why should you never knock a northsider off a bike?

It might be your bike!

Dont slag us northsiders :mad:

Nevloige · 18-03-2005 2:13pm

abccormac wrote:

why does Ronan Keating Shing like thish?

Cos he's a ****.

It's funny because it's so very true!!!

Nevloige · 18-03-2005 3:02pm

A man and wife were going through the monthly budget one day:
(wife) "We're going to have to cut down on what we spend, I think you should roll your own cigarettes in future instead of buying them. It will save alot of money."
the man realising that he won't win if he tries to say no says nothing

The next day the wife asks the husband to go to the local pharmacy for her to get some tampons.The husband asks where the tampons are kept and the assistant shows him. After walking around the chemists for about 10 minutes in the same section goes up to the counter with a ball of twine and a bag of cotton wool.

(assistant) "I thought you were looking for tampons?"

(husband) "Yes I was, but since I was told I had to roll my own fags, I think she should roll her own too....."

LegacyUser · 22-03-2005 6:47pm

Sleipnir wrote:

In response to Raz's "what's pink and fluffy" joke

What's pink and fluffy?
pink fluff

what's blue and fluffy?

Pink Fluff holding it's breath....

**katie** · 03-04-2005 8:38pm

What's the difference between an elaphant and a plum?
>The plum's purple.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
>"Oh look, here come the elephants..."
What did Julias Caesar say when he saw the elephants come over the hill?
>"Oh look, here come the plums...".....he was colourblind!

What says "aaa"?
>A sheep with no lips!

---Bad, I know, but they always make me laugh, and are guaranteed to get a laugh if alcohol has been consumed!

Airwaves · 05-04-2005 6:52pm

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this £"$"..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Gross Halfwit · 05-04-2005 10:25pm

Whats soft and warm when you go to bed but hard and sticky when you wake up?

Vomit.

grimsbymatt · 06-04-2005 2:22pm

Did you hear about the man who had sex with a cash machine?

Apparently he came into some money!

Capt'n Midnight · 08-04-2005 10:15pm

In poker a Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

Drummer · 12-04-2005 2:57pm

Raz wrote:

What's pinnk and fluffy??
Pink Fluff

Well - what is pink and fluffy ?

Drummer · 12-04-2005 2:59pm

Raz wrote:

What's long hard an full of seamen??
A submarine you dirty minded .....

(works better when told, not written)

Welll - what is long, hard and full of seaman - a submarine ?

Submarines were invented by an Irish man btw.

Drummer · 12-04-2005 3:05pm

A man walks into a bar and says , "Ouch !"
A dyslexic man walks into a bra ...

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman walk into a bar and the barman says , "What is this - some kind of joke ?" !

Q. What's the definition of indefinitely ?
A. When your balls are slapping off her arse, you're indefinitely !

Drummer · 12-04-2005 3:16pm

Two fat blokes sitting in a bar -
one says, "Ur round",
the other one says, "So r u , u fat bastard" !!!

edson · 12-04-2005 8:52pm

Why did Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing her seat belt....

Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill...

fizzynicenice · 16-04-2005 4:30pm

what did the leper say to the hooker?
keep the tip.

Glipmac · 18-04-2005 11:17am

Two men walk into a bar, you think one of them would have seen it

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

Glipmac :cool:

Victor · 18-04-2005 7:06pm

Homer's l33t spidey-sense says "Beer".

One-Liner Jokes

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