The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

paul0103 · 23-09-2013 9:36pm

I heard a joke about Sean Connery's brother's youngest daughter..

It's a little niche.

EoghanIRL · 23-09-2013 11:37pm

A shy guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful blonde woman sitting at the counter. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, do you mind if i buy you a drink?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" And walk out the door. Everyone in the bar is now staring at the guy.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and walks aways to his table.
After a few minutes, the blonde woman returns and walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"WHAT?! $200 FOR A BLOWJOB?!"

EoghanIRL · 23-09-2013 11:41pm

Two nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke. The second nun tried but she couldn't reach.

EoghanIRL · 23-09-2013 11:43pm

"what's the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?" One less drunk

Ok that one was lower than Irelands population during the famine.

Capt'n Midnight · 23-09-2013 11:53pm

EoghanIRL wrote: »

Ok that one was lower than Irelands population during the famine.

Ireland's population peaked during the famine.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/60/IrelandRepublicPopulation1841.PNG/640px-IrelandRepublicPopulation1841.PNG

What's the difference between an elephant and spaghetti ?

Elephants don't usually fall off the end of your fork.

Capt'n Midnight · 24-09-2013 12:09pm

How do you know if there is an elephant in your house ?

There is a bicycle outside the door

Comer1 · 24-09-2013 1:01pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

How do you know if there is an elephant in your house ?

There is a bicycle outside the door

How do you know if there are two elephants in your house ?

The cross-bar is bent.

Aglomerado · 24-09-2013 1:04pm

Comer1 wrote: »

How do you know if there are two elephants in your house ?

The cross-bar is bent.

How do you know elephants have been shagging in your garden?
Your lawn is all flattened and the bin liner is missing!!!!!

eisenberg1 · 24-09-2013 1:18pm

Comer1 wrote: »

How do you know if there are two elephants in your house ?

The cross-bar is bent.

Jaysus, that takes me back to school:D

Howard Juneau · 24-09-2013 2:00pm

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Jaysus, that takes me back to school:D

Fat little bugger were you? :P

Hagar the Nice. · 24-09-2013 2:22pm

My wife says if I don't stop looking at porn online she's going to bash my head off the keyboaewqe;ckhr;kejrhewm;ckjh ;kjhc;vkejchr;moihr[o32mcyu[2r3m

Capt'n Midnight · 24-09-2013 4:32pm

How long should an elephant's legs be ?

Long enough to reach the ground...

stefan idiot jones · 24-09-2013 8:44pm

What do elephants use for vibrators ?

Epileptic Pygmies.

rolliepoley · 24-09-2013 9:52pm

There were twin sisters turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home.

The editor of the local paper told a photographer to get over there and take some pictures of these 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. When the photographer got there, he asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

The twin answered, "He said, 'WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!'"

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?!"

Pulsating Star · 25-09-2013 1:36am

teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles
and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's
a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Johnny jumps up and says in a broad accent, "Our next door
neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it
will take the contagious

Comer1 · 25-09-2013 1:30pm

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Jaysus, that takes me back to school:D

Me too.:-). And not exactly the "best joke I ever heard" either.

clintondaly · 25-09-2013 1:36pm

How would you know if you were after passing an elephant ?

You wouldnt be able to put down the toilet seat.

--Kaiser-- · 25-09-2013 1:42pm

Pulsating Star wrote: »

teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles
and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's
a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Johnny jumps up and says in a broad accent, "Our next door
neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it
will take the contagious

In a similar vein....

There was this Russian guy, this Spanish guy and this Korean guy all in the same ESL class. The teacher told them to make a sentence using the word 'hostess' for homework.

So the next day the Russian guy goes "Oh I have a good sentence. The hostess was very courteous." And the teacher said "Wow that was really good!"

The Spanish guy goes, "Oh I have a better sentence. My mother is a good hostess when others come over." Then the teacher said, "Wow that was really good!"

Finally the Korean guy goes, "I have the best sentence. When my mother answers the phone, she says 'Hostess?' "

25-09-2013 6:49pm

A man goes on holiday in China and while there he visits all the local brothels, after a while he gets an itch! :eek:

So he goes to a local doctor who tells him that it's serious and that he has to get his penis amputated. :eek: :eek:

He refuses to believe that and comes home and visits his local GP.

He tells the GP about what the Chinese doctor had said.
The GP says that "Those Chinese doctors only think about money, you don't need it amputating!"

"it'll fall off all by itself in a couple of weeks!" :eek: :eek::eek:

Capt'n Midnight · 25-09-2013 7:46pm

Why are elephants wrinkled ?

Have you ever tried ironing one ?

EoghanIRL · 25-09-2013 9:04pm

Q: Why do elephants float down the river on their backs?
A: So they won't get their tennis shoes wet.

25-09-2013 10:13pm

Q: Why do elephants like to fly Ryanair?
A: Because they can take their trunks into the cabin.

Capt'n Midnight · 25-09-2013 10:27pm

How do elephants hide in Custard ?

They paint their feet yellow and lie upside down

tayto lover · 25-09-2013 11:00pm

Did someone open their Christmas Crackers early?

EoghanIRL · 25-09-2013 11:54pm

Three feminists walk into a bar .

They look at one another and say, "Hooray! We've taken over a male-dominated joke format!"

WilyCoyote · 26-09-2013 1:44am

tayto lover wrote: »

Did someone open their Christmas Crackers early?

Or Fortune Cookies

Weevil · 26-09-2013 2:38am

A Horse walks into a Bar-

Barman says: 'Is this a ****!ng joke?'

EoghanIRL · 26-09-2013 7:32am

Ugh, 7 days without a pun makes one weak.

EoghanIRL · 26-09-2013 7:34am

So a grocer is restocking vegetables when a woman taps him on the shoulder and says "Excuse me Sir, but where do you keep the broccoli?" The man replies "Well ma'am we're out of broccoli today, but we get some more tomorrow so come back then." The woman nods and walks away while the grocer continues stocking the carrots. A few minutes later the same woman taps the grocer on the shoulder and asks "Sir, I was wondering where I could find the broccoli?" Confused, the grocer says "Well ma'am we are out of broccoli today. However, we will have more tomorrow morning. Come back tomorrow." The woman smiles and thanks him as she walks away. Shaking his head, the grocer turns his attention back to the carrots. Moments later the woman again taps him on the shoulder and asks "Pardon me, but do you know where the broccoli is?" The grocer looks at her angrily and says "Let me ask you something. How do you spell dog, like in dogmatic?" The woman replies "D-O-G" "Okay" says the grocer. "Now how do you spell cat, as in catatonic?" "C-A-T" says the woman. "Perfect" the grocer replies. "Now how do you spell fück , like in broccoli?" Confused, the woman says "But, there is no fück in broccoli." The grocer says "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YA LADY! THERE'S NO FÜCKIN' BROCCOLI!"

Capt'n Midnight · 26-09-2013 10:25am

EoghanIRL wrote: »

So a grocer is restocking vegetables when a woman taps him on the shoulder and says "Excuse me Sir, but where do you keep the broccoli?"

How dumbed down is today's generation ?
The original version goes like

There's no F in [word]

A young man came to the underwear department of a men's store with a complaint. He was attended to by a young woman.

"I want to return these pants please."

"Certainly, sir. What's wrong with them?"

"They're . . . not suitable."

"In what way, sir?"

"Well, I'll put it this way. Do you know Murphy's Hotel in Castlebar ?"

"Yes, of course."

"And do you know the ballroom on the right ?"

"Wait a minute. There's no ballroom on the right."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you."

PS.

Have you ever seen an elephant in custard ?

It works doesn't it !

Hagar the Nice. · 26-09-2013 2:54pm

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

Hagar the Nice. · 26-09-2013 3:30pm

Why a dog is better than a wife

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

15. Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.

Hagar the Nice. · 26-09-2013 3:50pm

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

eisenberg1 · 26-09-2013 3:56pm

Myself and the wife were in Canada on vacation a few weeks ago, and one evening when out for dinner, we found a place that had bear steaks on the menu, we both thought we would try it, mine was fine but the wife said her steak was a bit grizzly.............

EoghanIRL · 26-09-2013 11:38pm

While talking to a girl

"Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?"
"No, what?"
"Yea, I figured you were in the first group."

EoghanIRL · 26-09-2013 11:40pm

So my neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM...

Who knocks on doors at three in the morning? It's so inconsiderate! Good thing I was still up playing my bagpipes.

EoghanIRL · 26-09-2013 11:47pm

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

illdoit2morrow · 27-09-2013 12:16am

Two blondes either side of a cliff.

One shouts across to the other "How do i get to the other side?"

The other blonde shouts back "You're already there!"

Capt'n Midnight · 27-09-2013 12:22am

Why do elephants have big ears?????

'cos Noddy won't pay the ransom

D_murph · 27-09-2013 12:25am

I was in a nightclub the other night and I saw this big heifer of a girl giving it loads out on the dance floor.

I went up to her and asked her if she would like to go somewhere quiet for a drink.

She giggled and said "Yes, of course".

I replied, "Good cos youre making me and the lads a bit sick TBH".

rolliepoley · 27-09-2013 12:25am

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

An irrelephant.

Capt'n Midnight · 27-09-2013 12:31am

How do you fit four elephants into a blue Mini ?

Two in the front, two in the back and trunks in the boot.

rolliepoley · 27-09-2013 12:35am

What do you get when you mix an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino. (HEll if I know)

Busted Flat. · 27-09-2013 12:50am

rolliepoley wrote: »

What do you get when you mix an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino. (HEll if I know)

Just to fresh things up, this thread is about the best joke you ever heard.
Jumbo jokes expired back in the eighties.

rolliepoley · 27-09-2013 1:05am

There was an elephant,he went to the camel and said why do you have two boobs on your back and then the camel replied: that's quite a stupid question coming from someone who has a dick on his face.

rolliepoley · 27-09-2013 1:16am

"I got a new car radio. When you shout ""soul"" it plays soul music, when you shout ""rock"" it plays rock music. One day some kids ran out in front of my car and I shouted ""F***ing kids!" and Rolf Harris came on.

27-09-2013 7:44am

An elephant walks into a pub carrying a battery and some jump leads,
"Don’t' you start anything!" shouts the barman.

giles lynchwood · 27-09-2013 10:59am

Wearing Crocs is like getting a BJ from another man.
They both feel lovely,until you look down.

Capt'n Midnight · 27-09-2013 1:02pm

What do you call an elephant wearing glass Slippers ?

Cinderelephant.

stefan idiot jones · 27-09-2013 1:19pm

A guy went to the doctors suffering from Elephantiasis of his cock and balls.
He asked the doctor if he could keep the swelling, just get rid of the bruising.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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