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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

1142143145147148196

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    Whats the fastest thing on land?


    stevie wonder's speedboat....

    I bet you he didn't see that coming.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,031 ✭✭✭✭bnt


    Q: What does Stevie Wonder's girlfriend do when she's annoyed at him?
    A: Rearrange the furniture.

    Death has this much to be said for it:
    You don’t have to get out of bed for it.
    Wherever you happen to be
    They bring it to you—free.

    — Kingsley Amis



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    Phone sex is bad for you.
    You could end up with hearing aids.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,708 ✭✭✭Curly Judge


    Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”

    Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”
    .........................................................................

    Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.
    A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
    Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
    .........................................................................

    It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey.
    But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about
    ..........................................................................

    A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
    Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy.
    Well, that’s when it all kicked off!
    .........................................................................


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,642 ✭✭✭✭Mr. CooL ICE


    Q: How much space is required for fungus to grow?

    A: As mushroom as possible


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  • Registered Users Posts: 35 ohmslaw


    If God had wanted us to go metric there would have been 10 apostles not 12.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,642 ✭✭✭✭Mr. CooL ICE


    A photon walks into a hotel and goes to the check-in desk. It is asked if it has any luggage. It's response:
    No, I'm travelling light


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,249 ✭✭✭Steven81


    Paddys over in Jimmy's house having a few beers watching the football
    After a few hours jimmy say to paddy it's lashing outside no point in you walking up the road you'll get drenched I'll go up and make the spare bed
    "Great says paddy"
    When jimmy comes down the stairs Paddys standing there soaked to the skin
    "What the fcuk happened you"
    "I ran home to get me pyjamas "


  • Registered Users Posts: 192 ✭✭nootroc


    ohmslaw wrote: »
    If God had wanted us to go metric there would have been 10 apostles not 12.



    But she gave us 10 commandments


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.
    I can't wait to see how big my puppy got.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,708 ✭✭✭Curly Judge


    The lawyer says to the very wealthy art collector tycoon:

    “I have some good news and, I have some bad news….”

    The tycoon replies: “I've had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first?

    The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested £5000 in two pictures this
    week that she figures are worth a minimum of £2 to £3 million.”

    The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…very good news indeed!
    You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

    The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,740 ✭✭✭chughes


    nootroc wrote: »
    But she gave us 10 commandments
    I'm surprised that you think god is a woman. I would have thought that if god was a woman, semen would taste like chocolate......


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,387 ✭✭✭eisenberg1


    chughes wrote: »
    I'm surprised that you think god is a woman. I would have thought that if god was a woman, semen would taste like chocolate......

    But it's very good for your complexion, remember that old nugget:D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 297 ✭✭NormalBob Ubiquitypants


    The Law profession in one:

    A man is flying in a hot air balloon when he realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field below. He lowers the balloon toward the man and shouts to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I am late to meet a friend, but I don’t know where I am.”

    The man below says, “I’m happy to help. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”

    After a brief pause, the balloonist declares: “You must be a lawyer.”

    “I am” replies the man. “How did you know?”

    “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me I am sure is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”

    The man below responds, “Indeed. And you … You must be a client.”

    “Why, yes, I am,” replies the balloonist, “how in the world did you know?”

    “Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”


  • Registered Users Posts: 148 ✭✭gnarbarian


    Two cyclists were cycling along when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
    The second guy replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
    The second guy nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


    A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the toilet. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
    "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
    "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and sqeezes the hell out of my balls."
    With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"


  • Registered Users Posts: 35 ohmslaw


    nootroc wrote: »
    But she gave us 10 commandments

    Yeah but the only reason there were only 10 commandments was cos Moses dropped 2 of them on the way down the mountain.


  • Registered Users Posts: 35 ohmslaw


    nootroc wrote: »
    But she gave us 10 commandments

    Yeah but the only reason there were only 10 commandments was cos Moses dropped 2 of them on the way down the mountain.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,387 ✭✭✭eisenberg1


    ohmslaw wrote: »
    Yeah but the only reason there were only 10 commandments was cos Moses dropped 2 of them on the way down the mountain.

    He was in pain, so he took two tablets:D


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Frankenstein enters into a body building competition and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective.


  • Registered Users Posts: 420 ✭✭Mr Tibbs


    The American woman who injected her child with Botox for a beauty pagent has lost her custody battle.
    The child didn't look a bit surprised.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    My wife asked me what my plans are for the Easter weekend?

    The same as Jesus i said', disappear Friday, show up Monday.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,740 ✭✭✭chughes


    My wife asked me what my plans are for the Easter weekend?

    The same as Jesus i said', disappear Friday, show up Monday.
    Was she cross when you told her that??


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,031 ✭✭✭✭bnt


    I'm looking for a new place to live, and saw a Toadstool advertised locally. I went and had a look, but it wasn't for me: there wasn't mushroom inside.

    Death has this much to be said for it:
    You don’t have to get out of bed for it.
    Wherever you happen to be
    They bring it to you—free.

    — Kingsley Amis



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    chughes wrote: »
    Was she cross when you told her that??


    She was spitting nails.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 411 ✭✭Delboy2015


    Some may have heard this one before but....

    A Kerry man won a ticket in a raffle to the All Ireland Final between Kerry and Donegal, he was very pleased to have won it, as the final was a sell out as always.

    When the man arrived, he was situated between a group of Kerry supporters. Before the match started, he noticed there was still one seat vacant beside him, so he said to the man beside him "its an awful waste to see a seat free, and all the people in Kerry that would die for that seat"

    "That seat was for my wife, she came to the last 20 All Ireland's" The man offered his sympathy but still could questioned "but surely you could have brought a son, a daughter, another relation?" The other man then replied "they couldn't come, they're all at her funeral!!"


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,571 ✭✭✭newmug


    Socialism.
    You have 2 cows.
    You give one to your neighbour.

    Communism.
    You have 2 cows.
    The state takes both and gives you some milk.

    Fascism.
    You have 2 cows.
    The state takes both and sells you some milk.

    Nazism.
    You have 2 cows.
    The state takes both and shoots you.

    Bureaucratism.
    You have 2 cows.
    The state takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

    Traditional Capitalism.
    You have 2 cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull. Your heard multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

    Royal Bank Of Scotland (Venture) Capitalism.
    You have 2 cows.
    You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother in law at the bank. Then execute a equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax exemption for 5 cows. The milk rights of the 6 cows are transfered via an intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all 7 cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy the new president of the US, leaving you with 9 cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

    Surrealism.
    You have 2 giraffes.
    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

    American Government.
    You have 2 cows.
    You sell one and force the other one to produce the milk of 4 cows. Later you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

    Greek Government.
    You have 2 cows.
    You borrow lots of Euro's to build barns, milking sheds, hay sores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit, and packing sheds. You still only have 2 cows.

    French Government.
    You have 2 cows.
    You go on strike, organise a riot and block the roads, all because you want 3 cows.

    Japanese Government.
    You have 2 cows.
    You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of a normal cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

    Italian Government.
    You haave 2 cows.
    But you don't know where they are. You decide to go to lunch.

    Swiss Government.
    You have 5000 cows.
    None of them belong to you. You charge all the owners for storing them.

    Chinese Government.
    You have 2 cows.
    You have 300 people milking them. You claim you have full employment and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    Indian Government.
    You have 2 cows.
    You worship both of them.

    British Government.
    You have 2 cows.
    Both are mad.

    Iraqi Government.
    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
    You tell them you have none. No one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you, and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

    Australian Government.
    You have 2 cows.
    Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

    New Zealand Government.
    You have 2 cows.
    The one on the left looks rather attractive.

    Irish Government.
    You have 2 cows.
    You take all their milk, tax them for living in a shed, charge them for drinking water, and fine them for farting. Then you allow bulls to ride other bulls, and legalise the killing of calves before they're even born.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,116 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    chughes wrote: »
    Was she cross when you told her that??

    cross? she feckin crucified him!!!


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,943 ✭✭✭✭the purple tin


    I asked the pp why the pubs had to close yesterday. He told me Jesus got hammered on good friday so you don't have to.


  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I asked the pp why the pubs had to close yesterday. He told me Jesus got hammered on good friday so you don't have to.
    I think that you've nailled it! :pac:


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  • Registered Users Posts: 35 ohmslaw


    The scribes and the pharisses had assembled in the square and were about to stone a woman to death for the sin of adultery. Jesus arrived and stood beside the woman. "Let those without sin cast the first stone" Jesus said. The crowd became very silent. Then a big rock is thrown from someone at the back of the crowd and it hits the woman on the head, killing her stone dead. Jesus spins around and shouts -
    "ah for fcuk sake ma!"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory."
    Peter came fifth and won a toaster.



    Whoever invented easter should be nailed to the cross!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    What did Jesus say to Judas on Good Friday?

    Dont touch my Easter eggs ill be back on Sunday


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    byrner88 wrote: »
    What did Jesus say to Judas on Good Friday?

    Dont touch my Easter eggs ill be back on Sunday

    Just in time for half price easter eggs!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,031 ✭✭✭✭bnt


    Q: How do you make a cat bark?
    A: Spray it with petrol and light a match ... WOOF! :eek:

    At the risk of stating the obvious: it's just a joke, not advocating cruelty to animals.

    Death has this much to be said for it:
    You don’t have to get out of bed for it.
    Wherever you happen to be
    They bring it to you—free.

    — Kingsley Amis



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,629 ✭✭✭TheBody


    bnt wrote: »
    Q: How do you make a cat bark?
    A: Spray it with petrol and light a match ... WOOF! :eek:

    At the risk of stating the obvious: it's just a joke, not advocating cruelty to animals.

    How do you make a dog meow?

    Freeze it and cut it with a circular saw...........meeeeoooooowwww!!!


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 353 ✭✭gazump123


    Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet?
    Because the P is silent.


  • Registered Users Posts: 419 ✭✭scottmcb04


    A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said “this is pointless” and stormed off’. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out “don’t you see, you’ll never actually reach her?”. To which the engineer replied, “so what? Pretty soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes!”


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,217 ✭✭✭Photo-Sniper


    My wife asked me what my plans are for Easter.

    The same as Jesus: disappear on Friday, show up on Monday.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,063 ✭✭✭Kiwi in IE


    What do you call a fly with no wings?

    A walk


    ;)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,847 ✭✭✭✭Shannon757


    Kiwi in IE wrote: »
    What do you call a fly with no wings?

    A walk


    ;)

    We have an original comedian in the house! :D


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    In the beginning god made everything and said it was good.
    Then he asked Adam, "Is there anything else you could possibly want?"
    Adam replied, "I want a companion. Someone that will always be there for me. Someone that will love me, console me when I'm sad, celebrate with me when I'm happy, and stimulate me when I'm bored. I want a true soul mate."
    God says "Ok... But that will cost you an arm and a leg."
    Adam sighs and says "Alright then... What can I get for a rib?"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,077 ✭✭✭Comer1


    bnt wrote: »
    Q: How do you make a cat bark?
    A: Spray it with petrol and light a match ... WOOF! :eek:

    At the risk of stating the obvious: it's just a joke, not advocating cruelty to animals.

    After telling us that joke, you should be more concerned with not advocating cruelty to humans ;-)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    How do you stop a cat scratching your face?

    Press paws.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,328 ✭✭✭Magico Gonzalez


    Shannon757 wrote: »
    We have an original comedian in the house! :D

    And now we know that jokes take 40 years to travel from civilisation to NZ.

    Some time next year knock knock jokes are gonna be huge down there.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What's the difference between my wife and the Revenue?

    The Revenue want to talk to me.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I thought I hadn't been paying my wife much attention recently so, as it was her birthday on Friday, I decided I would give her a ring as a present.


    Amazingly, that started another row. Just because I rang her from the pub.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 692 ✭✭✭CUCINA


    I have a lot of fond memories of having fun with my friends as a kid...I remember we used to get into these big tyres and roll down the hill...they were the good years!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,415 ✭✭✭chewed


    Knock knock?
    Who's There?





    The other pilot!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,415 ✭✭✭chewed


    Knock knock?
    Who's There?





    The other pilot!


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