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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

1132133135137138196

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 52,198 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    You ruined that joke. Should have been Connolly station.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,090 ✭✭✭livinsane


    Everyone told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

    I had to put the foot down.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,898 ✭✭✭✭Ken.


    82SQ2c.png


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33,624 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    Anyone up for a game of Bonopoly?

    It's kinda like Monopoly, but where the streets have no name...

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.

    "Well, not exactly," his friend replied,

    "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

    "Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,305 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    A blonde walks into a bar. you'd think she notice, wouldn't she?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.

    Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

    "But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.

    "We’re Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

    "But we're privates," says Paddy.

    "You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"
    So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.

    "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
    Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

    So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.

    Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

    Mick says to Paddy, "Why did you give me the thumbs up?"

    "Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates and we're Lance Corporals now! "


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    I had ebola this morning , ebola cornflakes .



    (Saw it on Facebook . Cringe to the extreme :P)


  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
    The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however,

    the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

    Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it,
    he finally got enough courage to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look
    at what was making him so uncomfortable.

    Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of
    adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily... if at all.

    Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

    "Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

    Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?


  • Registered Users Posts: 423 ✭✭wesleysniper38


    The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains.

    Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that I haven't deleted the internet history.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.

    Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

    "But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.

    "We’re Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

    "But we're privates," says Paddy.

    "You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"
    So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.

    "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
    Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

    So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.

    Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

    Mick says to Paddy, "Why did you give me the thumbs up?"

    "Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates and we're Lance Corporals now! "
    I gave that joke the thumbs up,anyone know a good doctor.:(


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Hagar7 wrote: »
    I gave that joke the thumbs up,anyone know a good doctor.:(


    https://www.youtube.com/results?hl=en-IE&q=doctor%20who&gbv=2&um=1&ie=UTF-8&gl=IE&sa=N&tab=w1


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,305 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    Paddy and Mick saw a sign that said "tree fellers wanted"

    Mick said, "sure, tis a pity there 's only two of here"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    What's the difference between jam and marmalade ?

    Marmalade is made from citrus fruits. Originally, marmalade was made from quinces -- the word comes from 'marmelo', which is Portuguese for quince.
    Marmalade is made by boiling the juice, pulp and peel of the fruit with sugar and water.

    Jam can be made from any fruit (or even vegetables in some cases) and just refers to a preserve made by boiling the fruit (or veg!) with sugar.
    Marrow and rhubarb are two vegetables that are commonly made into jam.


  • Registered Users Posts: 795 ✭✭✭kingchess


    EoghanIRL wrote: »
    What's the difference between jam and marmalade ?

    Marmalade is made from citrus fruits. Originally, marmalade was made from quinces -- the word comes from 'marmelo', which is Portuguese for quince.
    Marmalade is made by boiling the juice, pulp and peel of the fruit with sugar and water.

    Jam can be made from any fruit (or even vegetables in some cases) and just refers to a preserve made by boiling the fruit (or veg!) with sugar.
    Marrow and rhubarb are two vegetables that are commonly made into jam.

    That joke is not funny--just saying,


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,564 ✭✭✭✭whiskeyman


    kingchess wrote: »
    That joke is not funny--just saying,

    It's an anti joke.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,559 ✭✭✭Markcheese


    Funnily enough marrow is a fruit ... Still not funny though ... Cooking thread and after hours are thataway -> ->->

    Slava ukraini 🇺🇦



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,740 ✭✭✭chughes


    kingchess wrote: »
    That joke is not funny--just saying,
    Don't be so hard on EoghanIRL, he's just trying to preserve a level of humour on this thread......


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,165 ✭✭✭Savage Tyrant


    Is joke from Latvia. I tell now.

    Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son's body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 13,844 ✭✭✭✭somesoldiers


    Is joke from Latvia. I tell now.

    Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son's body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.

    was that on the Latvian version of The Office?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site
    noticed the coarse language of the workers
    and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch;Sit with the workers; and talk with them.

    She put her sandwich in a brown bag and
    Walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

    Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
    "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

    They shook their heads and looked at each other. Very confused.

    One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
    "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

    One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

    The worker yelled back,

    "'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,645 ✭✭✭Melendez


    This post has been deleted.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,026 ✭✭✭Wossack


    Melendez wrote: »
    This post has been deleted.

    Is trick question; potatoes. And without eat any, dog die of malnourish


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,065 ✭✭✭TheChevron


    The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,165 ✭✭✭Savage Tyrant


    Wossack wrote: »
    Is trick question; potatoes. And without eat any, dog die of malnourish

    Also, is very cruel joke. Many man have dead son and malnourish dog. But how many man have more one potato?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,098 ✭✭✭MonkeyTennis


    I know man. Dont think it matter for joking.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Dublin and decided to check out the local brothels.

    When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

    "No,'"she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

    "Well, if I pay you 100e, what cut do the girls get?"
    "The house gets 80e and the girls get 20e,'"she answered.

    Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

    The man asked, "And, if I pay you 100e, what cut do the girls get?"
    "The girls get 80e and the house gets 20e."
    "That's more like it!" the union man said.

    He handed the Madam 100e, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

    I'd like her," he said.

    "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,305 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    Did you hear about the Kerry man who stopped putting his clock forward every year?

    It kept falling off the mantlepiece


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,562 ✭✭✭✭Sunnyisland


    Woman walking down The road with her left boob hanging out, a passer by quietly say's to her " sorry Mrs but do you know your boob is hanging out" **** she reply's, I'm after leaving the baby on the bus.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,040 ✭✭✭Hitchens


    hear about the dyslexic that was diagnosed with eloba? :)


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  • Registered Users Posts: 795 ✭✭✭kingchess


    heard of the dyslexic who was agnostic-he was up all night pondering the question-Is there a Dog?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    What do you call a fat psychic?

    A four chin teller.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    I finally took the warning on the cigarette box to heart and stopped littering.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 18,066 ✭✭✭✭Happyman42


    realies wrote: »
    Woman walking down The road with her left boob hanging out, a passer by quietly say's to her " sorry Mrs but do you know your boob is hanging out" **** she reply's, I'm after leaving the baby on the bus.

    Topless woman tries to get into an old cathedral on holidays.
    The priest at the door says;
    'Sorry madam you cannot enter like that'.
    The woman protests;
    'But I have a divine right to enter'
    Says the priest;
    'Yes and you have a divine left too, but you still aren't getting in'.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,387 ✭✭✭eisenberg1


    kingchess wrote: »
    heard of the dyslexic who was agnostic-he was up all night pondering the question-Is there a Dog?

    The question is ...

    "did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac..?"

    Hence the being up all night bit.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,080 ✭✭✭McChubbin


    Recently, I had the gross misfortune of accidently locking my car keys inside my car whilst parked across from an abortion clinic.
    I'll never forget the filthy look the receptionist gave me when I went in and asked for a coat hanger...


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,387 ✭✭✭eisenberg1


    McChubbin wrote: »
    Recently, I had the gross misfortune of accidently locking my car keys inside my car whilst parked across from an abortion clinic.
    I'll never forget the filthy look the receptionist gave me when I went in and asked for a coat hanger...

    There are bad jokes and crap jokes, and jokes that are just not funny....and that is just not funny.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 11,421 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hermy


    eisenberg1 wrote: »
    There are bad jokes and crap jokes, and jokes that are just not funny....and that is just not funny.

    Au contraire.

    Genealogy Forum Mod



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,442 ✭✭✭Kayleigh..


    The ginger woman at my work recently announced that she is pregnant by her black boyfriend. She was discussing possible baby names the other day, apparently "Terry The Chocolate Orange" is not tolerated and is enough to get you fired.


  • Registered Users Posts: 157 ✭✭jonnybegood


    Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
    years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
    terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
    slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
    it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
    the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home
    absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously
    wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how
    I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh,
    Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got
    fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she
    got fired too."


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  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    TWIN IRISH SISTERS CELEBRATE



    Twin sisters in a Bexhill Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

    The editor of the Bexhill Observer newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take
    pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and
    the other could hear quite well.

    Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

    The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"



    "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

    "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

    Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"



    "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

    So they wiggled up close to each other.

    "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

    Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"



    "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

    With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US????"







  • Registered Users Posts: 795 ✭✭✭kingchess


    eisenberg1 wrote: »
    The question is ...

    "did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac..?"

    Hence the being up all night bit.

    Did you hear about the dyslexic,agnostic,insomniac who was up all night wondering "Is there a Dog ??". (I hope that will agree with your well developed sense of Humour?)


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 7,611 ✭✭✭david75


    Dyslexics of the world!! untie!!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 615 ✭✭✭donalh087


    Nearly there Kingchess.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,387 ✭✭✭eisenberg1


    kingchess wrote: »
    Did you hear about the dyslexic,agnostic,insomniac who was up all night wondering "Is there a God ??". (I hope that will agree with your well developed sense of Humour?)

    :confused:

    I was merely pointing out that you had omitted the "insomniac" part.....


  • Registered Users Posts: 795 ✭✭✭kingchess


    eisenberg1 wrote: »
    :confused:

    I was merely pointing out that you had omitted the "insomniac" part.....

    Thank you, And I merely hoped that the correction met with your approval,:eek:


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,387 ✭✭✭eisenberg1


    kingchess wrote: »
    Did you hear about the dyslexic,agnostic,insomniac who was up all night wondering "Is there a God ??". (I hope that will agree with your well developed sense of Humour?)
    kingchess wrote: »
    Thank you, And I merely hoped that the correction met with your approval,:eek:

    Why would the agnostic wonder if there was a god?:D


  • Registered Users Posts: 795 ✭✭✭kingchess


    Anti-joke??anybody.anybody?? ok actually did not notice it so thanks again:confused:


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,387 ✭✭✭eisenberg1


    You are welcome, lets leave it there, shall we.


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  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 11,421 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hermy


    An agnostic walked into a bar and asked the barman if there was a god.
    The barman didn't know and got a train to Albania.

    Genealogy Forum Mod



This discussion has been closed.
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