The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

tayto lover · 14-10-2014 7:28pm

You ruined that joke. Should have been Connolly station.

livinsane · 14-10-2014 8:40pm

Everyone told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put the foot down.

Ken. · 15-10-2014 12:55am

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 15-10-2014 2:17am

Anyone up for a game of Bonopoly?

It's kinda like Monopoly, but where the streets have no name...

rolliepoley · 16-10-2014 1:49pm

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied,

"She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."

branie2 · 16-10-2014 2:38pm

A blonde walks into a bar. you'd think she notice, wouldn't she?

rolliepoley · 16-10-2014 4:00pm

Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.

Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.

"We’re Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're privates," says Paddy.

"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"
So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.

Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

Mick says to Paddy, "Why did you give me the thumbs up?"

"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates and we're Lance Corporals now! "

EoghanIRL · 17-10-2014 1:00am

I had ebola this morning , ebola cornflakes .

(Saw it on Facebook . Cringe to the extreme :P)

17-10-2014 7:41pm

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however,
the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it,
he finally got enough courage to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look
at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily... if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

"Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

wesleysniper38 · 18-10-2014 11:07pm

The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains.

Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that I haven't deleted the internet history.

Hagar7 · 19-10-2014 2:07pm

rolliepoley wrote: »

Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.

Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.

"We’re Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're privates," says Paddy.

"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"
So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.

Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

Mick says to Paddy, "Why did you give me the thumbs up?"

"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates and we're Lance Corporals now! "

I gave that joke the thumbs up,anyone know a good doctor.:(

rolliepoley · 19-10-2014 3:21pm

Hagar7 wrote: »

I gave that joke the thumbs up,anyone know a good doctor.:(

https://www.youtube.com/results?hl=en-IE&q=doctor%20who&gbv=2&um=1&ie=UTF-8&gl=IE&sa=N&tab=w1

branie2 · 19-10-2014 3:37pm

Paddy and Mick saw a sign that said "tree fellers wanted"

Mick said, "sure, tis a pity there 's only two of here"

EoghanIRL · 22-10-2014 2:18am

What's the difference between jam and marmalade ?

Marmalade is made from citrus fruits. Originally, marmalade was made from quinces -- the word comes from 'marmelo', which is Portuguese for quince.
Marmalade is made by boiling the juice, pulp and peel of the fruit with sugar and water.

Jam can be made from any fruit (or even vegetables in some cases) and just refers to a preserve made by boiling the fruit (or veg!) with sugar.
Marrow and rhubarb are two vegetables that are commonly made into jam.

kingchess · 22-10-2014 10:27am

EoghanIRL wrote: »

What's the difference between jam and marmalade ?

Marmalade is made from citrus fruits. Originally, marmalade was made from quinces -- the word comes from 'marmelo', which is Portuguese for quince.
Marmalade is made by boiling the juice, pulp and peel of the fruit with sugar and water.

Jam can be made from any fruit (or even vegetables in some cases) and just refers to a preserve made by boiling the fruit (or veg!) with sugar.
Marrow and rhubarb are two vegetables that are commonly made into jam.

That joke is not funny--just saying,

whiskeyman · 22-10-2014 10:32am

kingchess wrote: »

That joke is not funny--just saying,

It's an anti joke.

Markcheese · 22-10-2014 2:16pm

Funnily enough marrow is a fruit ... Still not funny though ... Cooking thread and after hours are thataway -> ->->

chughes · 22-10-2014 3:15pm

kingchess wrote: »

That joke is not funny--just saying,

Don't be so hard on EoghanIRL, he's just trying to preserve a level of humour on this thread......

Savage Tyrant · 22-10-2014 4:44pm

Is joke from Latvia. I tell now.

Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son's body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.

somesoldiers · 22-10-2014 4:50pm

Savage Tyrant wrote: »

Is joke from Latvia. I tell now.

Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son's body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.

was that on the Latvian version of The Office?

rolliepoley · 22-10-2014 7:31pm

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site
noticed the coarse language of the workers
and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch;Sit with the workers; and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and
Walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other. Very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back,

"'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."

Melendez · 23-10-2014 11:29am

This post has been deleted.

Wossack · 23-10-2014 12:33pm

Melendez wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Is trick question; potatoes. And without eat any, dog die of malnourish

TheChevron · 23-10-2014 3:06pm

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything"

Savage Tyrant · 23-10-2014 4:46pm

Wossack wrote: »

Is trick question; potatoes. And without eat any, dog die of malnourish

Also, is very cruel joke. Many man have dead son and malnourish dog. But how many man have more one potato?

MonkeyTennis · 23-10-2014 5:23pm

I know man. Dont think it matter for joking.

rolliepoley · 25-10-2014 1:36pm

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Dublin and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No,'"she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you 100e, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets 80e and the girls get 20e,'"she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you 100e, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get 80e and the house gets 20e."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam 100e, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'"

branie2 · 25-10-2014 10:31pm

Did you hear about the Kerry man who stopped putting his clock forward every year?

It kept falling off the mantlepiece

Sunnyisland · 26-10-2014 8:36pm

Woman walking down The road with her left boob hanging out, a passer by quietly say's to her " sorry Mrs but do you know your boob is hanging out" **** she reply's, I'm after leaving the baby on the bus.

Hitchens · 26-10-2014 11:16pm

hear about the dyslexic that was diagnosed with eloba?

kingchess · 26-10-2014 11:38pm

heard of the dyslexic who was agnostic-he was up all night pondering the question-Is there a Dog?

EoghanIRL · 27-10-2014 1:15am

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller.

EoghanIRL · 27-10-2014 1:17am

I finally took the warning on the cigarette box to heart and stopped littering.

Happyman42 · 27-10-2014 1:24am

realies wrote: »

Woman walking down The road with her left boob hanging out, a passer by quietly say's to her " sorry Mrs but do you know your boob is hanging out" **** she reply's, I'm after leaving the baby on the bus.

Topless woman tries to get into an old cathedral on holidays.
The priest at the door says;
'Sorry madam you cannot enter like that'.
The woman protests;
'But I have a divine right to enter'
Says the priest;
'Yes and you have a divine left too, but you still aren't getting in'.

eisenberg1 · 27-10-2014 2:18am

kingchess wrote: »

heard of the dyslexic who was agnostic-he was up all night pondering the question-Is there a Dog?

The question is ...

"did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac..?"

Hence the being up all night bit.

McChubbin · 27-10-2014 2:31am

Recently, I had the gross misfortune of accidently locking my car keys inside my car whilst parked across from an abortion clinic.
I'll never forget the filthy look the receptionist gave me when I went in and asked for a coat hanger...

eisenberg1 · 27-10-2014 2:44am

McChubbin wrote: »

Recently, I had the gross misfortune of accidently locking my car keys inside my car whilst parked across from an abortion clinic.
I'll never forget the filthy look the receptionist gave me when I went in and asked for a coat hanger...

There are bad jokes and crap jokes, and jokes that are just not funny....and that is just not funny.

Hermy · 27-10-2014 9:40am

eisenberg1 wrote: »

There are bad jokes and crap jokes, and jokes that are just not funny....and that is just not funny.

Au contraire.

Kayleigh.. · 27-10-2014 10:35am

The ginger woman at my work recently announced that she is pregnant by her black boyfriend. She was discussing possible baby names the other day, apparently "Terry The Chocolate Orange" is not tolerated and is enough to get you fired.

jonnybegood · 27-10-2014 12:07pm

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home
absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously
wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how
I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh,
Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got
fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she
got fired too."

27-10-2014 5:35pm

TWIN IRISH SISTERS CELEBRATE

Twin sisters in a Bexhill Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

The editor of the Bexhill Observer newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take
pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and
the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US????"

kingchess · 27-10-2014 7:00pm

eisenberg1 wrote: »

The question is ...

"did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac..?"

Hence the being up all night bit.

Did you hear about the dyslexic,agnostic,insomniac who was up all night wondering "Is there a Dog ??". (I hope that will agree with your well developed sense of Humour?)

david75 · 27-10-2014 7:28pm

Dyslexics of the world!! untie!!

donalh087 · 27-10-2014 7:40pm

Nearly there Kingchess.

eisenberg1 · 27-10-2014 8:18pm

kingchess wrote: »

Did you hear about the dyslexic,agnostic,insomniac who was up all night wondering "Is there a God ??". (I hope that will agree with your well developed sense of Humour?)

I was merely pointing out that you had omitted the "insomniac" part.....

kingchess · 27-10-2014 8:24pm

eisenberg1 wrote: »

I was merely pointing out that you had omitted the "insomniac" part.....

Thank you, And I merely hoped that the correction met with your approval,:eek:

eisenberg1 · 27-10-2014 8:29pm

kingchess wrote: »

Did you hear about the dyslexic,agnostic,insomniac who was up all night wondering "Is there a God ??". (I hope that will agree with your well developed sense of Humour?)

kingchess wrote: »

Thank you, And I merely hoped that the correction met with your approval,:eek:

Why would the agnostic wonder if there was a god?:D

kingchess · 27-10-2014 9:07pm

Anti-joke??anybody.anybody?? ok actually did not notice it so thanks again

eisenberg1 · 27-10-2014 9:34pm

You are welcome, lets leave it there, shall we.

Hermy · 27-10-2014 11:37pm

An agnostic walked into a bar and asked the barman if there was a god.
The barman didn't know and got a train to Albania.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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