The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

nicowa · 20-07-2014 5:16pm

Fantastic three posts there lads... Really inspired.

EoghanIRL · 20-07-2014 7:51pm

nicowa wrote: »

Fantastic three posts there lads... Really inspired.

I do try . Donations welcome .

Capt'n Midnight · 20-07-2014 8:30pm

Tea is for mugs.

Oh, little town of Bethlehem...

You've five minutes to get out.

3rdDegree · 21-07-2014 2:57pm

Witchie wrote: »

I'm heading out for a curry later with some Muslim friends. Hope I'm not up all night with the Shiites.

Almost as bad:

Q. How do you infuriate a Muslim?
A. Tell him you're going to Killala at the weekend.

21-07-2014 4:09pm

Q. How do you infuriate a Muslim?
A. Tell him you're going to Mecca* at the weekend.

*To Play Bingo. :P

foxy farmer · 21-07-2014 6:06pm

A drunken man wandered into the ladies toilet in a hotel in Athlone by mistake and was heading for a cubicle unzipped and ready for action.
"Excuse me" squealed an elderly lady. " This is for ladies only".
Smiling he replied "So is this maam so is this"

Witchie · 21-07-2014 9:24pm

Did you hear about the pervert woodworm?

He ate the drawers off the dresser.

Hagar7 · 22-07-2014 7:20pm

Witchie wrote: »

Did you hear about the pervert woodworm?

He ate the drawers off the dresser.

That was so bad it was funny.:)

ScummyMan · 22-07-2014 7:55pm

What do you call a snobby criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

byrner88 · 23-07-2014 1:09am

Paul McCartney once said that he only writes music about things that are real.

Really Paul? And would you say you do this eight days a week?

3rdDegree · 23-07-2014 4:44pm

byrner88 wrote: »

Paul McCartney once said that he only writes music about things that are real.

Really Paul? And would you say you do this eight days a week?

I don't think the singing frogs were very realistic either.

23-07-2014 6:31pm

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset
with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand
and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the
Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: - Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all
written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or
the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For ?10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about
pensioners: Last Of The...?
Caller: Mohicans.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . ...
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a
famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER?ER ...
Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I
can let you try again.
Caller: Er .... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. .. .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer
can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus

chughes · 23-07-2014 9:11pm

3rdDegree wrote: »

I don't think the singing frogs were very realistic either.

Nor is Magneto and Titanium Man.

foxy farmer · 25-07-2014 2:20pm

Reilly joined the British Parachute Regiment and was on his first drop. Falling from the plane he pulled his ripcord but his chute never deployed. He pulled the handle for his reserve chute but discovered that was useless as well. Falling towards earth he noticed something approaching him at high speed. It was Murphy the plumber.
"Do you know anything about parachutes?" cried Reilly.
"No" shouts Murphy. "Do you know anything about gas cookers?"

nootroc · 25-07-2014 7:53pm

Louis Suarez has hired the Dublin County Board for his appeal against the ban

Capt'n Midnight · 25-07-2014 11:33pm

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring.

The doctor says I'm OK but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

EoghanIRL · 26-07-2014 1:12am

My friend called the other day and asked how I reacted when my wife said she was HIV positive .

I told him that I tried to look surprised.

branie · 26-07-2014 10:30am

What has 20 heads and three teeth?

an episode of Jeremy Kyle

28-07-2014 7:02pm

On a recent trip to the United States , Tony Blair, Ex. Labour Prime Minister of the UK and now U.N. Middle East Peace Envoy, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.

He spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing about a lasting peace settlement amongst the warring nations of the Middle East, likening it to the way that the U.S. Government found a suitable agreement with the North American tribes.

At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds..

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shít that it can no longer fly.

bodhrandude · 28-07-2014 7:50pm

How do you address a cactus? Allo Vera - Aloe Vera :pac:

EoghanIRL · 30-07-2014 5:57pm

Some beers are like having sex in a canoe .

Fcuking close to water .

bilbot79 · 30-07-2014 5:59pm

What's green and eats nuts? Syphilis

byrner88 · 30-07-2014 10:11pm

"Take it with a pinch of salt" My Grandad used to say.

Lovely man. Horrible tea maker.

Capt'n Midnight · 30-07-2014 10:32pm

My bloody Grandad. Always complaining about the price of everything.
"One pound fifty for a cup of tea?"
"75 pee for two digestive biscuits?"
In the end I had to say, "Look Grandad, you just popped round. I didn't invite you".

Banjo String · 30-07-2014 10:41pm

Did you hear about the Swede that died?

There was a big turnip at his funeral.

EoghanIRL · 30-07-2014 10:55pm

Banjo String wrote: »

Did you hear about the Swede that died?

There was a big turnip at his funeral.

I'm a kleptomaniac. You'll have to explain it to me :P why was there a turnip at his funeral . Was he a farmer??!

Capt'n Midnight · 30-07-2014 11:20pm

EoghanIRL wrote: »

I'm a kleptomaniac.

I hope you are taking something for that.

RikkFlair · 30-07-2014 11:34pm

What does Irish Water, an ostrich and a pelican all have in common?

They can all shove their bills up their arse.

Banjo String · 30-07-2014 11:37pm

EoghanIRL wrote: »

I'm a kleptomaniac. You'll have to explain it to me :P why was there a turnip at his funeral . Was he a farmer??!

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rutabaga

Comer1 · 31-07-2014 9:24am

RikkFlair wrote: »

What does Irish Water, an ostrich and a pelican all have in common?

They can all shove their bills up their arse.

Never knew that about ostriches or pelicans. I even googled it.

StormWarrior · 31-07-2014 2:04pm

A man with one testicle finally goes to the doctor. He's ashamed of telling the doctor(male) about his condition directly so he whispers in the doctor's ear, "the sum of mine and your testicles is 3". The doctor looks at the man astonished and asks "You don't have any?".

Another version:
Man with 3 testicles goes to the doctor.
He's ashamed of telling the doctor(male) about his condition directly so he whispers in the doctor's ear, "the sum of mine and your testicles is 5"
The doctor looks at the man astonished and asks "You don't have any?"

Another version:
A man with 5000000 testicles goes to the doctor.
He is ashamed to tell the doctor(male) so he leans in and whispers to the doctor "the sum of your testicles and mine is 5000002"
The doctor replies "So you have none?"

Another version:
A man with n testicles goes to the doctor.
He is ashamed to tell the doctor(male) about his condition so he leans in and whispers in the doctor's ear "∑testiclesi = testiclesn + testiclesn+2"
The doctor replies "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a mathematician"

Banjo String · 31-07-2014 2:09pm

StormWarrior wrote: »

A man with one testicle finally goes to the doctor. He's ashamed of telling the doctor(male) about his condition directly so he whispers in the doctor's ear, "the sum of mine and your testicles is 3". The doctor looks at the man astonished and asks "You don't have any?".

Another version:
Man with 3 testicles goes to the doctor.
He's ashamed of telling the doctor(male) about his condition directly so he whispers in the doctor's ear, "the sum of mine and your testicles is 5"
The doctor looks at the man astonished and asks "You don't have any?"

Another version:
A man with 5000000 testicles goes to the doctor.
He is ashamed to tell the doctor(male) so he leans in and whispers to the doctor "the sum of your testicles and mine is 5000002"
The doctor replies "So you have none?"

Another version:
A man with n testicles goes to the doctor.
He is ashamed to tell the doctor(male) about his condition so he leans in and whispers in the doctor's ear "∑testiclesi = testiclesn + testiclesn+2"
The doctor replies "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a mathematician"

Different version.

A man with 3 balls was after a heavy days punting in the bookies. After losing his whole weeks wages, he dug deep into his pocket to find a last, solitary crumpled up tenner.

He walked over to the bookie and asked, what odds would you give me that me and you have 5 balls between us......

The bookie thought for a second, and said 10-1.

Ok says the punter. You go first.

The bookie pulls down his jeans and boxers, says to the man, here's my 1 ball, show me your 4.

31-07-2014 9:20pm

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel.
You know how to fish!"

rolliepoley · 02-08-2014 2:11pm

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers. With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’

EoghanIRL · 03-08-2014 10:41am

They say Michael Jackson never cursed in his life .

Then again you aren't supposed to use bad language around kids.

jonnybegood · 03-08-2014 10:43am

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'

EoghanIRL · 03-08-2014 10:46am

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fcuk".

jonnybegood · 03-08-2014 10:50am

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended
I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked -
You're supposed to turn your clock back".

EoghanIRL · 03-08-2014 10:54am

jonnybegood wrote: »

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended
I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked -
You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking . Welcome to Ireland . To compensate for time difference please set your clock back 35 years .

04-08-2014 1:58pm

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, a little old lady approached him and told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?''

’Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.’

Shaun Plays Games · 04-08-2014 8:03pm

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

tayto lover · 04-08-2014 9:38pm

Shaun Plays Games wrote: »

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

Not again.

shaneon77 · 04-08-2014 9:57pm

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge inner city dub - 6ft 5in tall and 25 stone. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 bacardi breezers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big northsider.
Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers.
At this, the massive dub leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big fella replies. "Something about a job."

blinkey 101 · 04-08-2014 10:11pm

A guy goes to prison and is put in his cell with two other guys ,

he's in the cell about half hour and one of the guys says lets play a game new guy says to himself oh here we go.

guy says lets play mammy's and daddy's and since you're the new guy you have first choice of what role you want to play . so he thinks to himself well if i'm daddy il have to stick it in mammy where the sun don't shine and if im mammy il have to suck daddy's cock :eek: but if i'm the baby its happy days for me

!!

so new guy says i wanna be the baby, fair enough says one of the two cell mates now come here and suck mammys mickey .

The One Who Knocks · 04-08-2014 10:17pm

Old but still gets me every time

Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am,you were speeding."
Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Woman: "I'd give it to you but but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"
Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving."
Officer: "I see.. Can I see your vehicle registration please."
Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "Why not?"
Woman: "I stole this car."
Officer: "Stole it?"
Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"
Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: "Is there a problem sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Woman: "Murdered the owner?"
Officer 2: "Yes, could you open the trunk of your car,please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car,ma'am?"
Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers."
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.."
Moral: Don't mess with women!!!

Also, for the one liner: "A dyslexic agnostic insomniac is one who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog."

EoghanIRL · 04-08-2014 11:28pm

Posh spice would be the perfect kidnap victim. Imagine how cheap it'd be to start sending her body parts back.

EoghanIRL · 05-08-2014 10:05am

The bible says he who lies with another man should be stoned .
It helps, that's all I'm saying .

blinkey 101 · 06-08-2014 1:06am

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

EoghanIRL · 06-08-2014 10:46pm

Te secret to kissing is not waking her up .

K.Flyer · 07-08-2014 1:28am

(I know there are a few variations of this, but it always makes me chuckle)

A old man gets audited by the Revenue saying they need him to come in and fix his taxes. The old man calls his accountant and heads to the Revenue office.
Once there, the Revenue Inspector says, "Look, I've noticed that you don't have a job listed, and yet you still make a load of money. Can you explain yourself?"
The old man replied, "It's simple, I win a lot of money making bets."
The Inspector asks "What do you mean?"
The old man says, "Okay, I'll bet you 100 euro that I can bite my eye."
The Inspector says, "What, that's ridiculous OK then you're on."
So the old man then takes out his fake eye and bites it.
The Revenue Inspector can't believe what's happened and was speechless.
The old man then said, "Alright, double or nothing, I bet you I can bite my other eye." The Inspector, thinks to himself, 'Alright, I saw this guy walk in here without a cane. No way he could be blind.' So he says, "Fine. Double or Nothing".
The old man then takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
Absolutely raging and 200 euro down, the Revenue Inspector tries to claim that he is being cheated.
The old man says, "Calm down, calm down, look, a bets a bet. OK, here's your last chance, Double or Nothin again.
I bet I can stand on your desk and p!ss straight into your rubbish bin over there without getting a single drop on your desk or on the floor."
The Revenue Inspector thinks for a while, 'Okay, no way he could do that. No Way! The bin is about ten feet away. There's gonna be some excess drops, there has to be drips!
The Inspector says, "Right, you're on." The old man then climbs up onto the desk, zips down his fly, whips out his willy and proceeds to p!ss everywhere Absolutely EVERYWHERE. All over the curtains, the Inspectors papers, the computer, everywhere.
The Revenue Inspector is now jumping around his office with joy, "Ha! You F#@kin lost! I owe you nothin'.
The old man smiles to himself while he watches his accountant, who is shaking his head, take out his cheque book.
The Inspector says to the accountant, "Hey, why the long face? I got my money back!"
The accountant said quietly, "While we were waiting for the meeting, my client here," as he gestures toward he old man, "bet me five thousand euro that he'd be able to stand up on your desk, P!ss all over your office and that you'd be delighted about it, now I've just lost five thousand f#@kin' euro.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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