The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

guile4582 · 17-04-2015 5:01pm

improper use of "You're" ruined it

rolliepoley · 17-04-2015 6:56pm

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

MetalDog · 17-04-2015 6:59pm

I bought a pair of shoes off a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

17-04-2015 8:37pm

MetalDog wrote: »

I bought a pair of shoes off a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Cobblers!

:P

20-04-2015 9:33pm

A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up,

"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".

"Why do you think that ?" he said.

"Well the kids are writing on the window and it says

"stit ruoy su wohs".

EoghanIRL · 21-04-2015 12:05am

Growing up my mom told me that I could be anybody I wanted to. Turns out this is called identity theft.

rolliepoley · 21-04-2015 7:09pm

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag.

'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows,
Come back and see me in a couple of days.'

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
'What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.

'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.

'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.

'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.

'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual Relationship?'

'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!'

'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor

'Your mother must have been a carrier.'

EoghanIRL · 24-04-2015 4:05pm

Did you know that anal is illegal in Iceland?

Not sure about Tesco.

Hagar7 · 24-04-2015 6:56pm

MonkieSocks wrote: »

What's Snow Whites Favourite Drink?

7up n' Cider

Ooft,that's below the belt.

EoghanIRL · 25-04-2015 10:26am

No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

rolliepoley · 25-04-2015 4:28pm

I went round my mate's house yesterday and his kids were running round the house screaming.

He looked at me and said, "Don't ever have kids mate."

I said, "Hard work?"

He said, "No, you're an ugly cnut."

garra · 25-04-2015 6:04pm

If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

garra · 25-04-2015 6:05pm

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves".

garra · 25-04-2015 6:07pm

I have low self-esteem and my latest girl-friend has dumped me.. when we were in bed together, I would fantasise that I was someone else.

25-04-2015 6:48pm

garra wrote: »

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves".

I needed to change my password for the Irish water website so I chose "undrinkable" it was rejected!:rolleyes:

MonkieSocks · 25-04-2015 10:56pm

Two Guys walk into a Bar,

The Third Guy Ducked

ohmslaw · 26-04-2015 7:49am

garra wrote: »

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves".

I needed a password eight characters long which included at least one capital letter and one number so I picked "SnowWhiteandtheSevenDwarves"

Jjiipp79 · 26-04-2015 9:28am

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb??

2......1 to screw in the bulb, and the other

TO SUCK MY COCK!!!

murpho999 · 26-04-2015 10:30am

garra wrote: »

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves".

ohmslaw wrote: »

I needed a password eight characters long which included at least one capital letter and one number so I picked "SnowWhiteandtheSevenDwarves"

Reminds me of the time Snow White was lying in bed feeling happy.
Then Happy got out so she started to feel grumpy.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-04-2015 10:34am

I use 'incorrect' as my password.

I get lots of reminders if type it wrong.

CabanSail · 26-04-2015 11:13am

I've had a really crap week.

My wife ran off with my best mate.

God I miss him.

CUCINA · 27-04-2015 8:13am

MetalDog wrote: »

I bought a pair of shoes off a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Well, you might be down on your heel-ium but that wouldn't be the "sole" ingredient.
They were probably polished of with plenty in the way of "uppers" to compensate!

auldgranny · 27-04-2015 2:24pm

Jjiipp79 wrote: »

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb??

2......1 to screw in the bulb, and the other

TO SUCK MY COCK!!!

You would be lucky

eamonnq · 27-04-2015 2:44pm

auldgranny wrote: »

You would be lucky

Username/subject :eek:

27-04-2015 6:16pm

Jjiipp79 wrote: »

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb??

2......1 to screw in the bulb, and the other

TO SUCK MY COCK!!!

auldgranny wrote: »

You would be lucky

eamonnq wrote: »

Username/subject :eek:

Depends on whether she keeps in her teeth! :eek:

MonkieSocks · 27-04-2015 10:25pm

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian are walking along a beach.

At one end of the beach they encounter a mermaid sitting on some rocks brushing her hair.

The Englishman goes up to her and asks: "Excuse me my dear, but have you ever been kissed?"

The mermaid looks up shyly and says "Why no I haven't."

So the Englishman leans in and kisses her.

Then the Frenchman comes over and asks: "Tell me Cherie, have you ever had your lovely breasts caressed?"

"No I haven't" replies the mermaid.

So the Frenchman reaches over and strokes her chest for a while.

Then the Australian walks up: "Tell me love, ever been fooked?"

The mermaid smiles and says: "Never in my life."

To which he replies: "Well, you have been now. The tide's gone out"

Hagar7 · 28-04-2015 10:25am

My wife accused me of being a transvestite so I packed her clothes and left.

Happyman42 · 28-04-2015 12:46pm

Keith Harris is dead... Orville is said to be speechless.

*too soon?

fryup · 28-04-2015 5:27pm

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

yep, should have left it a week at least

Mr Tibbs · 29-04-2015 10:34pm

I was driving home from the pub last weekend when I was stopped by a female Garda.
She ordered me out of the car and said you're staggering.
Why thank you, I said your not bad looking yourself

chewed · 30-04-2015 3:25pm

I've just played the UKIP version of Cluedo.

It was the immigrants, all the time, everywhere.

D_murph · 01-05-2015 10:06pm

MonkieSocks wrote: »

What's Snow Whites Favourite Drink?

7up n' Cider

I thought it was either Dixons cider or Cummins cider lol

:pac::pac:

steddyeddy · 02-05-2015 10:17am

Keith Harris RIP
Orville KFC

TheLastMohican · 05-05-2015 3:18pm

A few nights ago in a bar, the conversation at the next table went like this:
"Man you look really tired".

"Yeah. I'm exhausted. The girlfriend wants it three or four times a day. On our days off she goes down on me as soon as she wakes up".

An older fellow sitting on his own at the bar, turns around and says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit".

coolhull · 07-05-2015 12:05pm

What do you call an angry Muslim?

Amin Amood

foxy farmer · 07-05-2015 4:03pm

Too lazy to type it out so here.

beauf · 07-05-2015 4:19pm

Blame OCR for spelling, and for the benefit of those of use who read these via email notifications on the mobile.

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him
unmercifully. From morning to night (and sometimes
later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought
him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the
shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his
lunch. Immediately, his wife began pestering him.
Complain, nag, nag; ¡t just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both
hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed
something rather odd. When a woman mourner would
approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute,
then nod his head in agreement; but when a man
mourner approached him, he would listen for a
minute, then shake his head ¡n disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the
old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister
spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he
nodded his head and agreed with the women, but
always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up
and say something about how nice my wife looked, or
how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head ¡n
agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They wanted to know ¡f the mule was for sale.”

tayto lover · 07-05-2015 4:21pm

A lot of mental telepathy here today.

ohmslaw · 10-05-2015 10:56pm

tayto lover wrote: »

A lot of mental telepathy here today.

I was thinking exactly the same thing on Friday, and then I saw your post today.

agent graves · 10-05-2015 11:45pm

What do you call an epileptic in a bunch of leaves....... russell

What do you do if someone starts to have an epileptic fit in the bath..... throw in your washing

CUCINA · 11-05-2015 8:02am

She offered her honour, he honoured her offer...and all night long it was honour and offer!

The Master · 11-05-2015 8:06am

agent graves wrote: »

What do you do if someone starts to have an epileptic fit in the bath..... throw in your washing

:mad: I find the extremely offensive!
My brother was an epileptic and died in the bath..

..he chocked to death on a sock

Hagar7 · 11-05-2015 7:02pm

ohmslaw wrote: »

I was thinking exactly the same thing on Friday, and then I saw your post today.

I knew you would say that.:)

Meanwhile.

Murphy and Riley meet in a Dublin bar, both now in their thirties and have not seen each other since school.

Riley says "Murphy hows tricks", he responds by saying he is in the nails business but he is on the verge of bankruptcy.

Riley tells him that he is very successful in advertising - London, Paris, New York, Ballymun, Shettleston etc and will give him free advertising to help him back on his financial feet. They part with Murphy showing his gratitiude to his old schoolpal.

A week later Murphy is driving down Leeson Street in Dublin city centre when he looks up at a billboard and theres Jesus on the cross with the caption

EVEN THE ROMANS USED MURPHYS NAILS

Murphy is horrified and phones his old schoolmate "Riley,i appreciate the gesture but remember this is Ireland and using Jesus on the crucifix maybe offensive to many people"

"No bother Murph, give me a week and i will sort it out"

A week later Murphy is driving down O'Connell street when he looks up at an even bigger billboard with a crucifix with Jesus lying below it in a heap with the caption

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON'T USE MURPHYS NAILS.

Hagar7 · 11-05-2015 7:04pm

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck!"

"Your eyes work", replies the duck, wryly.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"And your ears", says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".

"Certainly", says the landlord, "sorry about that... it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

The landlord watches, astounded, as the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

The duck visits regularly for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The owner of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus - he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvelous", says the owner, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus?", the duck inquires, a bit bemused.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"What, the place with the big tent?. Big canvas roof, hole in the middle, loads of animals?", asks the duck.

"That's right!", says the landlord.

The duck looks confused. "What the fook do they need a plasterer for?"

MonkieSocks · 11-05-2015 11:48pm

The Master wrote: »

:mad: I find the extremely offensive!
My brother was an epileptic and died in the bath..

..he chocked to death on a sock

Ay least it was a Clean Death :rolleyes:

JCX BXC · 11-05-2015 11:54pm

Hagar7 wrote: »

A duck walks into a pub

The duck looks confused. "What the fook do they need a plasterer for?"

Such a long joke with such a below average punchline.

DrGreenthumb · 12-05-2015 1:15am

So did you hear about the midget that got pick pocketed in town last weekend?

Who would have thought anyboby could stoop so low.

glynf · 12-05-2015 6:28am

Did you year about the midget who went to a brothel?

He got a box in the face....

dilallio · 12-05-2015 12:55pm

glynf wrote: »

Did you year about the midget who went to a brothel?

He got a box in the face....

and a clit around the ear ..

Hagar7 · 12-05-2015 5:44pm

Carnacalla wrote: »

Such a long joke with such a below average punchline.

Not bad,13 nice people said thanks,it canny be that bad otherwise they wudny have said thanks surely.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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