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One-Liner Jokes

1…7273757778…118

Comments

  • #3702
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Just had my car waxed …..



    How does it get so hairy ….?
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3703
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers.


    They could call it, On Anon Anon

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3704
    Titclamp
    Closed Accounts Posts: 409 ✭✭Titclamp


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers.


    They could call it, On Anon Anon

    Terrible


  • #3705
    Wtf ?
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 343 ✭✭Wtf ?


    I gave my blind Neighbour a cheese grater for Christmas
    He said it was the best book he ever read..


  • #3706
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 12,533 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    Uncle Pierre wrote: »
    I know a midget who was pickpocketed last week. I didn't think anybody could stoop so low.


    PC version - I know a person of short stature who was pickpocketed last week..........

    A midget walked into a whorehouse, he got a box in the face.

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



  • #3707
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 12,533 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    If you see a fire man, put it out man

    If you see a bin man, put your rubbish in it man

    If you see a space man, park in it man.

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



  • #3708
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just quit my job at the Helium Gas Factory.



    I refuse to be spoken to, in that tone :mad:

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3709
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I went for an interview for a carpentry job ….

    I nailed it .
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3710
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    In my last job interview, I was asked what my strengths are. I gave the usual speech about productivity, teamwork, organisation, etc.

    The interviewer then asked: “and do you have any weaknesses?”

    I answered: “honesty. I’m too honest.”

    “Really?” said the interviewer. “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”

    And I replied: “I don’t give a f*** what you think!”


  • #3711
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,867 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    Everyone at John Lennon Airport has been quarantined...




    Imagine all the people!


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  • #3712
    MOR316
    Registered Users Posts: 2,230 ✭✭✭MOR316


    "Love Me Do" by The Beatles was written by John Lennon after he got a really nice haircut


  • #3713
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The guy that decided to wrap an egg in sausage meat and bread crumbs died yesterday.

    RIP Scott Chegg

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3714
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My son came home and told me “I’ve been awarded the Leslie Nielsen award at school today”

    “What’s that?” I asked

    “A large building with lots of kids” he replied

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3715
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.






















    I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3716
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    With all the football suspended I decided to talk to the wife for once.

    It turns out she's been made redundant from Clerys

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3717
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,076 ✭✭✭trashcan


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    With all the football suspended I decided to talk to the wife for once.

    It turns out she's been made redundant from Clerys

    I thought the punchline to that was "she seems quite nice !"


  • #3718
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The farther away the future is, the better it looks

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3719
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    9 months from now there will be a baby boom.

    13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as Quarenteens.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3720
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Im starting to turn into a deodorant !!



    YES, im sure ..
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



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  • #3721
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

    I've never had a lentil on my face.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3722
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I ate a clock yesterday....................................................................................... it was very time-consuming hurl.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3723
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,126 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    I ate a clock yesterday....................................................................................... it was very time-consuming hurl.gif

    Was it nice?

    Did you go back for seconds?


  • #3724
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    everlast75 wrote: »
    Was it nice?

    Did you go back for seconds?


    No.................hadn't the time :p

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3725
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,076 ✭✭✭trashcan


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    No.................hadn't the time :p

    Don't mind everlast, he was only trying to wind you up....


  • #3726
    Markcheese
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,567 ✭✭✭Markcheese


    I'm getting ticked off with these clock puns....

    Slava ukraini 🇺🇦



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  • #3727
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,648 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    all second hand jokes.


  • #3728
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,024 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Now, wait a minute...


  • #3729
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,024 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    This is quite alarming!


  • #3730
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,867 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    I ate a clock yesterday....................................................................................... it was very time-consuming hurl.gif

    If you're self isolating, you will find it hard to pass the time.
    But on the face of it I'd say 'twill all work out.


  • #3731
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    A woman fainted on the London Eye this morning!

    Its okay though, shes slowly coming round ……...
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



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  • #3732
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3733
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Someone said our new network engineer used to live in Australia.

    So I asked him: “Do you come from a LAN down under?”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3734
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,867 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    If you get an email saying that tinned meat can give you coronavirus......….delete it! It's probably just spam.


  • #3735
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Customs officials at Dublin Port have discovered two tons of toilet roll hidden inside some cocaine.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3736
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Customs officials at Dublin Port have discovered two tons of toilet roll hidden inside some cocaine.
    I wonder what two tons of toilet roll looks like.


  • #3737
    Strumms
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,799 ✭✭✭✭Strumms


    I met Arnold Schwarzenegger earlier outside Aldi and I asked him if he knew anywhere I could still buy toilet roll, he just said....”Aisle B back”.


  • #3738
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Sent my hearing aids off for repair two weeks ago.
    Heard nothing since!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3739
    Wtf ?
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 343 ✭✭Wtf ?


    I had a Nightmare last night that I had a hole in my heart...
    Woke up in a sweat and found a polo mint in my Pyjama pocket...Phew !


  • #3740
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,867 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    Bought some of that Knorr stuff yesterday to make a stew,
    cashier; "stockpiling, are we?"


  • #3741
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I had an interview for a job at a zoo where I would be sorting and storing blood sucking insects.


    I hope I boxed all the ticks …………….
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



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  • #3742
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If you receive an email with the subject "Ding Dong" don't open it.

    It's the Jehovah's Witnesses working from home.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3743
    loveall
    Registered Users Posts: 130 ✭✭loveall


    How does an Essex girl turn the light on after sex?
    Kicks the car door open


    How do you know when an Essex girl has an orgasm?
    She drops her bag of chips


  • #3744
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,126 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    loveall wrote: »
    How do you know when an Essex girl has an orgasm?
    She drops her bag of chips

    How do you know when a south sider has an orgasm? She drops her accent.


  • #3745
    Diairist
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 367 ✭✭Diairist


    (Just as elderly - sorry!) What does she use for protection during intercourse?



    A bus shelter.


  • #3746
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Prince Charles is isolating at Balmoral with Covid-19. Prince Andrew is isolating at Buckingham Palace with Jennifer-14

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3747
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Prince Charles has confirmed that he caught Covid 19 after eating an old bat!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3748
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,867 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    Mrs C parked up the car last night and all the neighbours came out and clapped.
    She was livid.


  • #3749
    coolhull
    Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    I know it's not a one-liner but.....


    I was on a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
    He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
    As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."


  • #3750
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just a reminder, clocks go forward at the weekend so we'll all have an extra hour indoors

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3751
    LaFuton
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 784 ✭✭✭LaFuton


    just a reindeer but if cocks go upward we'll have a hetero whore into doornails


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