The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

hondasam · 17-02-2011 4:27pm

A Present for Little Johnny!

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said that, since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed, he should leave a pile of dog **** in place of the gift.

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right ****in here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning.
Then, when I go downstairs I want to see a mother****in' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed ****in' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog ****. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog **** around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog **** by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face.

His dad smiled and asked...
"So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a ****in' dog but I can't find the son of a bitch

Cheeky_gal · 17-02-2011 4:32pm

http://www.funmint.com/images/santa-claus-letter-little-johnny.jpg

Naikon · 17-02-2011 4:32pm

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath

Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!!”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely……

A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k ?

Not mine just to note...

this is arse · 17-02-2011 4:38pm

what did billy the blind, deaf, dumb, spastic get for Christmas?

Cancer

hondasam · 17-02-2011 4:42pm

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

hondasam · 17-02-2011 4:43pm

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

newmug · 17-02-2011 5:41pm

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

There was this Russian guy, this Spanish guy and this Korean guy all in the same ESL class. The teacher told them to make a sentence using the word 'hostess' for homework.

So the next day the Russian guy goes "Oh I have a good sentence. The hostess was very courteous." And the teacher said "Wow that was really good!"

The Spanish guy goes, "Oh I have a better sentence. My mother is a good hostess when others come over." Then the teacher said, "Wow that was really good!"

Finally the Korean guy goes, "I have the best sentence. When my mother answers the phone, she says 'hostess?'"

Dont get it??????

--Kaiser-- · 17-02-2011 5:42pm

newmug wrote: »

Dont get it??????

Hostess = Who's this (in a Korean accent)

fred funk }{ · 17-02-2011 6:24pm

What do you call a dog with steal balls and no back legs?

Sparky.

cosantoir1 · 17-02-2011 7:26pm

Whats the difference between pink and purple?

My Grip

Coriolanus · 17-02-2011 7:30pm

cosantoir1 wrote: »

Whats the difference between pink and purple?

My Grip

Alternate answer: A nippleclamp. :pac:

nosey rosie · 17-02-2011 7:32pm

Did you hear the one about the Irishman?
No, neither did I.

Allright, its not that funny, but its my favourite. I'm scarred by Jim Davidson anti- Irish jokes, being born in the 70's

major bill · 17-02-2011 8:15pm

Two dinosaurs walked on the beach right up to the waters edge looking at the boat sailing off in the distance.

One said, "Fcuk off then Noah, you cnut."

pipelaser · 17-02-2011 8:27pm

What do you get if you put a baby in a blender?

An Erection

Mr. Presentable · 17-02-2011 10:17pm

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-31749_162-20032851-10391698.html#addcomm

Hahahahahahaha

ynul31f47k6b59 · 17-02-2011 11:26pm

What's the mating call of a Blackbird?

Come on Leroy, ram it up my arse!

Woman sends knickers to the laundrette but they still come back stained. She sends note "use more soap on your clothes". Man sends back note:

"use more paper on your arse"

A priest is teaching a nun how to swim. She says,

"Father, will I really sink if you take your finger out?"

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese

Debthree · 17-02-2011 11:37pm

hondasam wrote: »

"I think I got a ****in' dog but I can't find the son of a bitch

That reminds me of the poor kid who asked Santy for an Action Man. Christmas morning game and he tore open his gift only to find an empty Action Man box inside.

He said to his Dad "Santy didn't give me an Action Man".

The Dad replies "yes he did. He gave some boys the Sailor Action Man, some the Sniper Action Man, some the Parachute Action Man and you got the AWOL Action Man".

Debthree · 17-02-2011 11:40pm

Thomas_S_Hunterson wrote: »

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "why the long face?". The horse doesn't respond because it is a horse. It can neither speak nor understand english. It is confused by its surroundings and gallops out of the bar, knocking over a few tables.

Seriously I'm on the floor here.

Scartbeg · 18-02-2011 1:21am

Little boy has spent the day at the zoo with his mother.
"And what did you see?" asks the father.
"An elephant", says the boy, "and it had a big grey thing hanging down"
"It's trunk?" asks dad
"No" replies the boy
"It's tail then?" asks dad hopefully
"No, anyway mummy said it was nothing"

"Ah, but your mother has been spoiled son!"

Unpossible · 18-02-2011 2:43am

Ok, edited slightly so it won't offend:

A small 5' man walks into a bar one day, hops up onto a bar stool and orders a double whiskey. After the bar man puts it infront of him, he turns and shouts;
"is there anyone in this bar who thinks they can take me"
from the back of the bar a big scobe shouts "I can, I'll wipe the floor with ya"
"right" replies the small man, he slams the whiskey back, runs along the bar and jumps catching the scobe by the head and bringing him to the ground he proceeds to beat seven shades of s**t out of him destroying several tables and chairs in the process. Afterwards he simply re-arranges his jacket and walks out.
The next day the man is back, again he hops up onto a bar stool and orders a triple whiskey. After the barman puts it on the counter he again turns and shouts:
"right, is there any smart f****r here today who thinks they can take me on"
A giant of a man nearby shouts "sure, I'll beat ya no problem".
"right" says the small man and no sooner had he slammed back the whiskey, then he had jumped to the ground and smashed the chair into the giant, again with the giant on the ground he proceeded to beat the s**t out of him causing even greater damage to the bar. When finished, he re-arranged his clothes and walked out.
At this point the barman was worried, appart from the physical damage his customers were being driven away. So he calls up his friend in the zoo and asks for help. His friend offers to lend him a gorilla reassuring him that the gorilla would give someone a beating, but not kill them, not intentionally anyway.
The barman is delighted and when they get the gorilla to the bar it is carefully led to a toilet cubicle and locked in.
Later the small man once again comes into the bar, hops up on the barstool and this time orders 4 shots of whiskey in one glass. Again before drinking it he turns and issues his challenge:
"Is there anyone in here, thinks he can take me on"
Silence falls on the bar and everyone is avoiding his gaze.
"actually" says the barman, "there is a guy here who was boasting to us earlier that he'd hammer you if you showed your face in here today".
Enraged the man asks "where is he, where is the f****r?". "In the jacks" the barman casually replies. The man slams back the whiskey and runs into the toilets. Loud screams are heard, the stalls sound as if they are being pulled apart and sinks are being smashed, after 20 minutes of this the barman is getting worried, then, quiet. The barman starts panicing, the gorilla must have killed him.
The man stumbles out of the toilets, covered in blood, bruises and scratchs, clothes in tatters. As he passes the barman he says
"When he wakes up tell the ****** that his fur coat is in the toilet"

Buceph · 18-02-2011 2:59am

Unpossible wrote: »

Ok, edited slightly so it won't offend:

A small 5' man walks into a bar one day, hops up onto a bar stool and orders a double whiskey. After the bar man puts it infront of him, he turns and shouts;
"is there anyone in this bar who thinks they can take me"
from the back of the bar a big scobe shouts "I can, I'll wipe the floor with ya"
"right" replies the small man, he slams the whiskey back, runs along the bar and jumps catching the scobe by the head and bringing him to the ground he proceeds to beat seven shades of s**t out of him destroying several tables and chairs in the process. Afterwards he simply re-arranges his jacket and walks out.
The next day the man is back, again he hops up onto a bar stool and orders a triple whiskey. After the barman puts it on the counter he again turns and shouts:
"right, is there any smart f****r here today who thinks they can take me on"
A giant of a man nearby shouts "sure, I'll beat ya no problem".
"right" says the small man and no sooner had he slammed back the whiskey, then he had jumped to the ground and smashed the chair into the giant, again with the giant on the ground he proceeded to beat the s**t out of him causing even greater damage to the bar. When finished, he re-arranged his clothes and walked out.
At this point the barman was worried, appart from the physical damage his customers were being driven away. So he calls up his friend in the zoo and asks for help. His friend offers to lend him a gorilla reassuring him that the gorilla would give someone a beating, but not kill them, not intentionally anyway.
The barman is delighted and when they get the gorilla to the bar it is carefully led to a toilet cubicle and locked in.
Later the small man once again comes into the bar, hops up on the barstool and this time orders 4 shots of whiskey in one glass. Again before drinking it he turns and issues his challenge:
"Is there anyone in here, thinks he can take me on"
Silence falls on the bar and everyone is avoiding his gaze.
"actually" says the barman, "there is a guy here who was boasting to us earlier that he'd hammer you if you showed your face in here today".
Enraged the man asks "where is he, where is the f****r?". "In the jacks" the barman casually replies. The man slams back the whiskey and runs into the toilets. Loud screams are heard, the stalls sound as if they are being pulled apart and sinks are being smashed, after 20 minutes of this the barman is getting worried, then, quiet. The barman starts panicing, the gorilla must have killed him.
The man stumbles out of the toilets, covered in blood, bruises and scratchs, clothes in tatters. As he passes the barman he says
"When he wakes up tell the n-word* that his fur coat is in the toilet"

*yeah, you know what word I mean

That might have had some semblance of funny if it wasn't for the "n-word* yeah, you know what word I mean" part. Couldn't you just have said fcuker instead and not brought the troglodyte "black people look like apes" thing into it.

Unpossible · 18-02-2011 3:50am

Buceph wrote: »

That might have had some semblance of funny if it wasn't for the "n-word* yeah, you know what word I mean" part. Couldn't you just have said fcuker instead and not brought the troglodyte "black people look like apes" thing into it.

:rolleyes: my you must be fun at parties

Anyhow changed to astericks so people can read it as they like

Metallitroll · 18-02-2011 3:57am

fcuking hell unpossible, tl;dr much?!!

parties/fun?!?!!!

FunkDrummer · 18-02-2011 3:57am

A man was taking a walk through the graveyard one morning, when he spotted another man crouched behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he shouted

The other man responded "No, just having a crap!"

Leejo · 18-02-2011 1:16pm

Leaflet came through all the doors in the area today with warning evryone they could be living beside a paedohile..

Not me..I live next door to two sexy 10 year olds

AwayWithFaries · 18-02-2011 1:19pm

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint

Logfire · 18-02-2011 2:35pm

Why couldn't Helen Keller Drive?

She was a woman.

DalkeyRose · 18-02-2011 7:20pm

I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one ready meal, one tin of soup.

I leaned over and said your single arent you?

She said how can you tell?

I said "cos your ugly as ****!!

fred funk }{ · 18-02-2011 9:18pm

One day a man was walking along a beach when he came upon a woman on the sand with no arms or legs.

They got chatting and after a while the woman said to the man "will you kiss me as I have never been kissed before". The man felt sorry for her so he lay down beside her and gave her a nice big juicy kiss. The woman thanked the man.

She then asked the man "will you feel my tits as they have never been felt before". Again, the man felt sorry for her and gave her tits a nice feel. She was delighted.

Next she asked the man "will you now feel my arse as it has never been felt before". And as before the man obliged and gave her arse a good feel. She was over the moon.

At this stage she was bursting with excitment and asked the man "Fook me as I have never been fooked before". The man replied........"you're fooked now because the tide is coming in"

groovie · 18-02-2011 9:27pm

A man approaches the customer services desk in a bookshop.

"Excuse me, but do you have the new self-help manual for men with small penises?"

The assistant replies "I don't think it's in yet, love."

"Yes that's the one" he says.

Savage Tyrant · 18-02-2011 11:39pm

A robber walks into a bank and shouts "Freeze - Give me all your cash!"
A brave customer pulls off the robbers mask and says 'I've seen your face now' .......So the robber shoots him dead.
"Anyone else seen my face?"
Silence for a moment, then someone pipes up, "I think that c*nt in the Rangers top got a glimpse"

Canis Lupus · 19-02-2011 6:22pm

Unpossible wrote: »

Ok, edited slightly so it won't offend:

A small 5' man walks into a bar one day, hops up onto a bar stool and orders a double whiskey. After the bar man puts it infront of him, he turns and shouts;
"is there anyone in this bar who thinks they can take me"
from the back of the bar a big scobe shouts "I can, I'll wipe the floor with ya"
"right" replies the small man, he slams the whiskey back, runs along the bar and jumps catching the scobe by the head and bringing him to the ground he proceeds to beat seven shades of s**t out of him destroying several tables and chairs in the process. Afterwards he simply re-arranges his jacket and walks out.
The next day the man is back, again he hops up onto a bar stool and orders a triple whiskey. After the barman puts it on the counter he again turns and shouts:
"right, is there any smart f****r here today who thinks they can take me on"
A giant of a man nearby shouts "sure, I'll beat ya no problem".
"right" says the small man and no sooner had he slammed back the whiskey, then he had jumped to the ground and smashed the chair into the giant, again with the giant on the ground he proceeded to beat the s**t out of him causing even greater damage to the bar. When finished, he re-arranged his clothes and walked out.
At this point the barman was worried, appart from the physical damage his customers were being driven away. So he calls up his friend in the zoo and asks for help. His friend offers to lend him a gorilla reassuring him that the gorilla would give someone a beating, but not kill them, not intentionally anyway.
The barman is delighted and when they get the gorilla to the bar it is carefully led to a toilet cubicle and locked in.
Later the small man once again comes into the bar, hops up on the barstool and this time orders 4 shots of whiskey in one glass. Again before drinking it he turns and issues his challenge:
"Is there anyone in here, thinks he can take me on"
Silence falls on the bar and everyone is avoiding his gaze.
"actually" says the barman, "there is a guy here who was boasting to us earlier that he'd hammer you if you showed your face in here today".
Enraged the man asks "where is he, where is the f****r?". "In the jacks" the barman casually replies. The man slams back the whiskey and runs into the toilets. Loud screams are heard, the stalls sound as if they are being pulled apart and sinks are being smashed, after 20 minutes of this the barman is getting worried, then, quiet. The barman starts panicing, the gorilla must have killed him.
The man stumbles out of the toilets, covered in blood, bruises and scratchs, clothes in tatters. As he passes the barman he says
"When he wakes up tell the ****** that his fur coat is in the toilet"

I think you need to learn the difference between offensive and racist.

Unpossible · 19-02-2011 11:39pm

Canis Lupus wrote: »

I think you need to learn the difference between offensive and racist.

I honestly always took the joke to mean that the guy in the joke was an idiot and not that the joke itself was promoting racisim.

I have to ask why my joke has been jumped on, yet all of the various ones that played on asian sterotypes were not.

Apologies to anyone who was offended at my joke, again I can only stress that I always viewed it as making fun of the racist/idiot.

TokenWhite · 19-02-2011 11:51pm

Three men walk into a bar. Two go and find a seat while the other heads to the bar to buy the first round. As he approaches the barman, the barman can't help but notice how well-to-do this man looks. He is covered head to toe in the finest garments and jewelry, he is even wearing a crown, a monocle, and carrying a scepter. In short, all the trappings of a cartoon billionaire.

As the bar man is pulling the pints he remarks to the gentleman: "I hope you don't think I'm prying, but, I couldn't help but notice you seem pretty well off. How, may I ask did you come into such a fortune?"

The man replies: "Well, me and my friends over there found a genie in a beer bottle outside, and he granted us each a wish."

Barman: "So, I take it you wished to be the richest man in the world."

The man puts one finger on his nose, and points at the barman with the other hand, as you would in a game of charades.

Barman: "Not a bad choice at all if I do say so."

The man nods politely, pays for the round and goes over to his friends.

After a while, the second man goes up to the bar. This man is notable only insofar as he can barely be seen for all the beautiful women draped around him, seemingly caressing every available inch of his body.

He orders another round, which the barman dutifully pulls. As he finishes off the last pint he can't help but comment: "I hope you don't mind me asking but, you are a friend of that wealthy gentlemen over there aren't you?"

"I am indeed," murmurs the man from beneath the pile of beauties.

"And you wished to be the most attractive man in the world?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Excellent choice sir, enjoy your round," says the barman with the kind of knowing smile you tend to see on people vicariously appreciating the implied sexual exploits of a stranger.

So he shuffles back to the table and he and his friends have their drinks. Not long later the third man approaches the bar and asks for another round. The barman cannot help but notice this man has an orange for a head. But he carries on pulling the pints in silence, until he cannot contain himself any longer and asks:

"You found the genie too, right?"

"That's correct," replies the man with an orange for a head.

"And what did you wish for, if you don't mind my asking?"

"I wished to have an orange for a head."

Capt'n Midnight · 20-02-2011 1:50am

Cheeky_gal wrote: »

Who speaks like that though?

Would never in a million years have gotten that

yer man in Fianna Fail

Oh yeah when did his friend go to the dentist ?

2:32

Sitec · 20-02-2011 3:54am

hondasam wrote: »

What's the difference between a penis and a prick?

A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying... A prick is the guy who owns it.

*******

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.

If you see him without a hard-on, make him a sandwich!

********

Why do men always pay more for car insurance?

Women don't get blowjobs while they're behind the wheel.

I hope your a woman. Otherwise you're a queer/

Jesus Wept · 20-02-2011 5:54am

Good contribution there Sitec.

Hulk Hands · 20-02-2011 12:18pm

A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper.
Teacher: What's this?
Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass.
Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass?
Kid: The cow ate all of it.
Teacher:...(looked at the paper again)...Then, where's the cow?
Kid: It left because there was no more grass

Savage Tyrant · 20-02-2011 12:25pm

TokenWhite wrote: »

Three men walk into a bar. Two go and find a seat while the other heads to the bar to buy the first round. As he approaches the barman, the barman can't help but notice how well-to-do this man looks. He is covered head to toe in the finest garments and jewelry, he is even wearing a crown, a monocle, and carrying a scepter. In short, all the trappings of a cartoon billionaire.

As the bar man is pulling the pints he remarks to the gentleman: "I hope you don't think I'm prying, but, I couldn't help but notice you seem pretty well off. How, may I ask did you come into such a fortune?"

The man replies: "Well, me and my friends over there found a genie in a beer bottle outside, and he granted us each a wish."

Barman: "So, I take it you wished to be the richest man in the world."

The man puts one finger on his nose, and points at the barman with the other hand, as you would in a game of charades.

Barman: "Not a bad choice at all if I do say so."

The man nods politely, pays for the round and goes over to his friends.

After a while, the second man goes up to the bar. This man is notable only insofar as he can barely be seen for all the beautiful women draped around him, seemingly caressing every available inch of his body.

He orders another round, which the barman dutifully pulls. As he finishes off the last pint he can't help but comment: "I hope you don't mind me asking but, you are a friend of that wealthy gentlemen over there aren't you?"

"I am indeed," murmurs the man from beneath the pile of beauties.

"And you wished to be the most attractive man in the world?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Excellent choice sir, enjoy your round," says the barman with the kind of knowing smile you tend to see on people vicariously appreciating the implied sexual exploits of a stranger.

So he shuffles back to the table and he and his friends have their drinks. Not long later the third man approaches the bar and asks for another round. The barman cannot help but notice this man has an orange for a head. But he carries on pulling the pints in silence, until he cannot contain himself any longer and asks:

"You found the genie too, right?"

"That's correct," replies the man with an orange for a head.

"And what did you wish for, if you don't mind my asking?"

"I wished to have an orange for a head."

That's so stupid, yet for some reason it cracked me up!

Rick Deckard · 20-02-2011 4:17pm

Unpossible wrote: »

Ok, edited slightly so it won't offend:

A small 5' man walks into a bar one day, hops up onto a bar stool and orders a double whiskey. After the bar man puts it infront of him, he turns and shouts;
"is there anyone in this bar who thinks they can take me"
from the back of the bar a big scobe shouts "I can, I'll wipe the floor with ya"
"right" replies the small man, he slams the whiskey back, runs along the bar and jumps catching the scobe by the head and bringing him to the ground he proceeds to beat seven shades of s**t out of him destroying several tables and chairs in the process. Afterwards he simply re-arranges his jacket and walks out.
The next day the man is back, again he hops up onto a bar stool and orders a triple whiskey. After the barman puts it on the counter he again turns and shouts:
"right, is there any smart f****r here today who thinks they can take me on"
A giant of a man nearby shouts "sure, I'll beat ya no problem".
"right" says the small man and no sooner had he slammed back the whiskey, then he had jumped to the ground and smashed the chair into the giant, again with the giant on the ground he proceeded to beat the s**t out of him causing even greater damage to the bar. When finished, he re-arranged his clothes and walked out.
At this point the barman was worried, appart from the physical damage his customers were being driven away. So he calls up his friend in the zoo and asks for help. His friend offers to lend him a gorilla reassuring him that the gorilla would give someone a beating, but not kill them, not intentionally anyway.
The barman is delighted and when they get the gorilla to the bar it is carefully led to a toilet cubicle and locked in.
Later the small man once again comes into the bar, hops up on the barstool and this time orders 4 shots of whiskey in one glass. Again before drinking it he turns and issues his challenge:
"Is there anyone in here, thinks he can take me on"
Silence falls on the bar and everyone is avoiding his gaze.
"actually" says the barman, "there is a guy here who was boasting to us earlier that he'd hammer you if you showed your face in here today".
Enraged the man asks "where is he, where is the f****r?". "In the jacks" the barman casually replies. The man slams back the whiskey and runs into the toilets. Loud screams are heard, the stalls sound as if they are being pulled apart and sinks are being smashed, after 20 minutes of this the barman is getting worried, then, quiet. The barman starts panicing, the gorilla must have killed him.
The man stumbles out of the toilets, covered in blood, bruises and scratchs, clothes in tatters. As he passes the barman he says
"When he wakes up tell the ****** that his fur coat is in the toilet"

Buceph wrote: »

That might have had some semblance of funny if it wasn't for the "n-word* yeah, you know what word I mean" part. Couldn't you just have said fcuker instead and not brought the troglodyte "black people look like apes" thing into it.

fair play to you making it to the last line!

rainbowdrop · 20-02-2011 4:34pm

pipelaser wrote: »

What do you get if you put a baby in a blender?
An Erection

How do you get 20 babies into a cup?

A blender

How do you get them out again?

Dorito's

TokenWhite · 20-02-2011 6:23pm

Savage Tyrant wrote: »

That's so stupid, yet for some reason it cracked me up!

Ha yeah, I love anti-jokes, they are about the only kind of jokes that I find genuinely funny. You expect the usual pun or some sexual innuendo but get caught off gaurd by a serious statement/answer.

A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Knock Knock!

Who's There?

GESTAPO!!

What did the catholic priest say at the AA meeting?

Alcohol is ruining my life.

m@cc@ · 20-02-2011 9:00pm

What has a heavily pregnant cow and Leitrim got in common?

They're both near Cyaaavan.

D_murph · 22-02-2011 4:04am

A man walks into a chiropodist and whips out his knob in front of the lady in charge.

Shocked but trying to be polite, she says, "Im sorry sir but that's not a foot".

"I know" he replies "But its a good 8 inches though"

.

Hank Scorpio · 22-02-2011 5:22am

Guard noticed a driver doing 120 in a 80 mph zone so he set off his siren and the car pulled in.

The guarda got out and knocked on the window. The guard asked the driver why was he speeding.

"21 today, 21 today, 21 today" he screamed

The guard asked him again, why was he speeding

"21 today, 21 today, 21 today" repeating himself delusionaly

The guard said he ah sure feck it, its the one day in the year and your obviously excited its your birthday. Off with ye now and dont be speeding

The guard drove off and the lad he stopped took off also. Just as went around the corner he hit into a ******** who was crossing the road killing him instantly.

The guard who stopped him originally was called to the scene and asked the driver what the fcuk was he doing

The driver shouted out

"22 today, 22 today, 22 today"

* Replace *********** with whatever you want, obviously its only a bit of banter but dont wana land myself in trouble here

lecker Hendl · 22-02-2011 7:36am

‎"Hey Arnie, did you get any easter eggs?"
Arnie replies, "Nooo! I did not!"
His secretary says, "awww, does that mean that you hate easter now?"
to which Arnie replies, "Nooo! Ah still love easter, baby"

Useful.Idiot · 22-02-2011 8:07am

Why do Afghanistan not have any TV's?

Because of the Tellyban!

yuloni · 22-02-2011 8:51pm

This post has been deleted.

Savage Tyrant · 22-02-2011 9:48pm

My wife said, "I hate it when you alienate me in front of your mates."

I replied, "But it's true, you have got a fanny like Predator's face."

Mr. Spock · 22-02-2011 9:54pm

So a man goes to a bar with his best friend, a giraffe.

They both proceed to get hammered. The giraffe gets too drunk, and passes out on the floor. The man decides he'll come back in the morning and pick him up.

As he starts to walk out of the bar, the bartender says: "HEY! YOU CAN'T LEAVE THAT LYIN' AROUND HERE!"

The man turns around and shouts back: "JOKES ON YOU, IT'S A GIRAFFE!"

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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