Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi all! We have been experiencing an issue on site where threads have been missing the latest postings. The platform host Vanilla are working on this issue. A workaround that has been used by some is to navigate back from 1 to 10+ pages to re-sync the thread and this will then show the latest posts. Thanks, Mike.
Hi there,
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest

One-Liner Jokes

1…112114116117118

Comments

  • #5652
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,862 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121883227#Comment_121883227

    OOOOps - Cillian Murphy of course.



  • #5653
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Tommy Cooper: "I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure."

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #5654
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,122 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.


    It's 5050.



  • #5655
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,225 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I was in the supermarket earlier trying to reach a box of Kleenex from the top shelf when it fell on me.

    I’m ok , just a soft tissue injury.



  • #5656
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Charles Dickens walks into a pub and asks for a Martini.


    'Olive or twist?' asks the Barman.



  • #5657
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I know Henry VIII had 6 wives - There was Catherine of Aragon, Anne Boleyn, Anne of Cleves, Catherine Howard, Catherine Parr but I can't for the life of me remember the surname of the one called Jane....See More



  • #5658
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,225 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I didn’t think orthopaedic shoes would help my posture.

    I stand corrected.



  • #5659
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My Wife told me to stop doing Flamingo impressions……..so I had to put My Foot down.



  • #5660
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    [Walks into bookstore]



    Me: Do you have any books on turtles?


     


    Worker: Hard back?


     


    Me: Yeah, with little heads.



  • #5661
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


     


    A buddy of mine phoned me and asked, "What are you doing at the moment?"


     


     


    I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."



  • Advertisement
  • #5662
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,122 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that a female gazelle was called a madamazelle so now I have another meeting with his teacher.



  • #5663
    Johnwayne98
    Registered Users Posts: 276 ✭✭Johnwayne98


    As I child I was regularly beaten with a camera-I still get flashbacks.



  • #5664
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    How many palindromists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    One, no?

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #5665
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,122 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I used to work in a shoe store until they gave me the boot



  • #5666
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121956623#Comment_121956623

    ow, two



  • #5667
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,225 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Bought a gallon of Tippex today


    Big mistake



  • #5668
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,225 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    The Egyptians were great builders.
    Up to a point.



  • #5669
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,225 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I asked my surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic.

    He said ‘sure, knock yourself out’.



  • #5670
    Ted222
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 416 ✭✭Ted222


    What sound does James Bond’s door bell make?


    Dong……..Ding Dong



  • Advertisement
  • #5671
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,225 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    My dog accidentally ate a full bag of Scrabble Tiles so I rushed him to the vet....


    No word yet.



  • #5672
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    A zombie really frightened a ghost - the ghost ran off, scared sheetless.



  • #5673
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I’ve been sacked as the singer in a D:Ream tribute band as I kept getting the lyrics wrong…

    Oh well, I guess things can only improve.



  • #5674
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    What’s the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

    Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song. Chick Peas can hummus one.



  • #5675
    ottolwinner
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 582 ✭✭✭ottolwinner


    So it turns out not all horses are Trojan horses.
    I know that now.



  • #5676
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My Old Mate Dwayne moved to Johannesburg 10 years ago.

    I miss Dwayne down in Africa.



  • Advertisement
  • #5677
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,225 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    ‘Was it closed’ is not the best thing to say to your wife when she gets home from a day at the Beauty Salon!



  • #5678
    ottolwinner
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 582 ✭✭✭ottolwinner


    About a month before my grandfather died we covered his back in lard.

    After that he went downhill very quickly.



  • #5679
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,122 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I'm running a Beatles pun contest, and I'm getting Paul McCartney to heyjudicate.



  • #5680
    ottolwinner
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 582 ✭✭✭ottolwinner


    last year I went on a ballooning holiday.
    put on 4 stone.



  • #5681
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,225 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Grand national Saturday, my tip is


    Dusty Carpet , never been beaten.



  • Advertisement
  • #5682
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,225 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    What's a forklift?

    Food usually.



  • #5683
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,225 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Just heard 80's singer Enya has bought hew own Rugby Union team.

    Their next 3 fixtures are now:
    Sale (A)
    Sale (A)
    Sale (A)



  • #5684
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    People refuse to believe I am the singer in a Black Eyed Peas Tribute Band?

    Well I Am!



  • #5685
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,225 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Quit my job as a barista this morning.

    Sick of the daily grind.



  • #5686
    Ted222
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 416 ✭✭Ted222


    I paid a carpenter to build me a double bed but he’s done a bunk.



  • #5687
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,122 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Does Sean Connery like herbs?

    Yes, but only partially.



  • #5688
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I refuse to accept l fell into the river in Egypt.



  • #5689
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    What do you get when you cross Angela Lansbury with the Lord of the rings

    Mordor she wrote



  • #5690
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,122 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Welcome to Feng Shui Club, and I'm very happy to accept the position of the chair.



  • #5691
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    If anyone has any ideas how to fix the terrible condensation problem that we have in our house, please feel free to pop round anytime...

    the kettle’s always on.



  • Advertisement
  • #5692
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,862 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    I see they are looking for organ donors.

    I must have a word with the local vicar.



  • #5693
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,862 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    What is the Irish for condom?

    Sliabh na mBan



  • #5694
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Hands trembling
    I checked the numbers again 9-15 29-04 20-24.


    I was in shock, after all these years I'd finally got a doctors appointment



  • #5695
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I bought the World’s Worst Thesaurus yesterday.

    Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible!



  • #5696
    jaykay74
    Registered Users Posts: 6,586 ✭✭✭jaykay74


    Reminder that May is procrastination awareness month. Something to think about



  • #5697
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My wife thinks I’m a sex machine.

    Her actual words were “you’re a f***ing tool”.

    But I knew what she meant.



  • #5698
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    How do you comfort a grammar pedant?

    There, their, they're.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #5699
    ottolwinner
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 582 ✭✭✭ottolwinner


    did you hear about the constipated mathematician ?

    He worked it out with a pencil.



  • #5700
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,862 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122090401#Comment_122090401

    A more advanced one would have worked it out with a slide rule.



  • Advertisement
  • #5701
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I accidentally locked my coat hanger in my car today... Luckily for me - I had my keys.



Advertisement