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    #7472
    fryup
    Registered Users Posts: 18,069 ✭✭✭✭fryup


    bnt wrote: »
    Just after lights out in Mountjoy prison. All is quiet as the inmates settle down for the night. Then, suddenly ... someone farts loudly, and cheers resound across the prison.

    What made all the men so happy?
    "Yay! A Virgin!"

    :confused: pls dissect


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    #7473
    blade1
    Registered Users Posts: 12,165 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    fryup wrote: »
    :confused: pls dissect

    I presume they knew from the sound of the fart that is was somebody who wasn't already after getting it up the ass.
    So that person would be favourite to get it that night and the rest of them would be safe hence the cheer!


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    #7474
    coolhull
    Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    Driving home today, my wife was boasting about how good women are at multi-tasking, and how there's "No two things a man can do simultaneously that a woman can't".

    I just sat there, scratching my balls as I reversed into a tight parking spot.


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    #7475
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,293 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A bloke walks into a pub in Newcastle with his dog and orders a pint.

    The landlord says you can't bring that Dog in here sir.

    Bloke: please he loves to watch the Toon play.

    Landlord: no way can he come in here sir, I will lose my licence

    Bloke: please mate we have tried all the boozers round here, go on let him watch he'll be quiet as a mouse

    Landlord: ok but any noise or trouble from him and he's out, oh and sits in the corner so nobody sees.

    Bloke: cheers mate i promise he'll be no bother.

    The pub fills and the match starts, 20 minutes into the game and Newcastle score!

    The dog goes fookin mental jumps onto the bar does three back flips the dances on his hind legs.

    Landlord: that’s fantastic that is, does he do that every time Newcastle scores?

    Bloke: aye

    Landlord: fookin hell what does he does if they win?







    Bloke: I don’t know I only had him 6 months

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #7476
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Ireland's fattest man has died.

    The cremation will be next Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.


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    #7477
    Mr Tibbs
    Registered Users Posts: 420 ✭✭Mr Tibbs


    David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace, Victoria admiringly watching her husband. After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse round the neck shouting for it to stop.
    Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck. David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!! Hearing her screams, the Arcade security guard comes out of his hut and unplugs the horse.


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    #7478
    Deise Vu
    Registered Users Posts: 1,942 ✭✭✭Deise Vu


    Credit (or boos) to Elmore Leonard:

    A golfer is taking ages over his shot and his partner finally snaps: "will you hit the ball for God's sake". The first golfer explains that his wife is looking on from the clubhouse balcony and he wants to hit the perfect shot. He goes back to concentrating on the ball and the second golfer has a look over towards the clubhouse and says:"I see......ah, you might as well just go ahead and take the shot, you haven't a hope of hitting her from this range."



    Doctor: "you'll have to stop masturbating Mr Murphy."
    Patient: "Why, are there side-effects?"
    Doctor: "No, I'm trying to examine you."


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    #7479
    Mr Tibbs
    Registered Users Posts: 420 ✭✭Mr Tibbs


    Who rode the winner of the Epson Derby and never sat on a horse in his live

    Lester Piggots cellmate


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    #7480
    chughes
    Registered Users Posts: 1,740 ✭✭✭chughes


    Mr Tibbs wrote: »
    Who rode the winner of the Epson Derby and never sat on a horse in his live

    Lester Piggots cellmate
    What I heard that one many years ago the question was, who was the heaviest person ever to ride a Derby winner?


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    #7481
    eisenberg1
    Registered Users Posts: 5,387 ✭✭✭eisenberg1


    chughes wrote: »
    What I heard that one many years ago the question was, who was the heaviest person ever to ride a Derby winner?

    Or "who rode a derby winner three times in one weekend?":D


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    #7482
    Brian_Dart
    Registered Users Posts: 93 ✭✭Brian_Dart


    Whats red and bad for your teeth?
    A Brick


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    #7483
    donalh087
    Registered Users Posts: 609 ✭✭✭donalh087


    chughes wrote: »
    What I heard that one many years ago the question was, who was the heaviest person ever to ride a Derby winner?


    Or, Who was the first black man to ride a Derby winner?


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    #7484
    Micky Dolenz
    Registered Users Posts: 44,080 ✭✭✭✭Micky Dolenz


    donalh087 wrote: »
    Or, Who was the first black man to ride a Derby winner?


    Oliver Lewis.


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    #7485
    fryup
    Registered Users Posts: 18,069 ✭✭✭✭fryup


    ^^^^^^^^

    who's oliver lewis?


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    #7486
    blade1
    Registered Users Posts: 12,165 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    fryup wrote: »
    ^^^^^^^^

    who's oliver lewis?

    The first black man to ride a derby winner!!


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    #7487
    Buzz Meeks
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 127 ✭✭Buzz Meeks


    What was Oliver Lewis doing in Lester Piggot's cell?


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    #7488
    Señor Fancy Pants
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,628 ✭✭✭Señor Fancy Pants


    Buzz Meeks wrote: »
    What was Oliver Lewis doing in Lester Piggot's cell?

    Riding him


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    #7489
    blade1
    Registered Users Posts: 12,165 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    Buzz Meeks wrote: »
    What was Oliver Lewis doing in Lester Piggot's cell?

    5 to 9!


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    #7490
    fr336
    Registered Users Posts: 10,179 ✭✭✭✭fr336


    Doctor: I've got some bad news and some even worse news

    Patient: Oh my, what's the bad news?

    Doctor: You only have 24 hours to live.

    Patient: What? What could be worse than that?!

    Doctor: I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.


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    #7491
    fr336
    Registered Users Posts: 10,179 ✭✭✭✭fr336


    Doctor: I've got some bad news and some even worse news

    Patient: Oh my, what's the bad news?

    Doctor: You only have 24 hours to live.

    Patient: What? What could be worse than that?!

    Doctor: I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.


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    #7492
    deco nate
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,340 ✭✭✭deco nate


    So ****e you had to post it twice!


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    #7493
    fr336
    Registered Users Posts: 10,179 ✭✭✭✭fr336


    Doctor: I've got some bad news and some even worse news

    Patient: Oh my, what's the bad news?

    Doctor: You only have 24 hours to live.

    Patient: What? What could be worse than that?!

    Doctor: I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.


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    #7494
    fr336
    Registered Users Posts: 10,179 ✭✭✭✭fr336


    Doctor: I've got some bad news and some even worse news

    Patient: Oh my, what's the bad news?

    Doctor: You only have 24 hours to live.

    Patient: What? What could be worse than that?!

    Doctor: I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.


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    #7495
    Benteke
    Registered Users Posts: 671 ✭✭✭Benteke


    chap that was waking up after an operation and saw the surgeon by his bed.

    "Oh doctor how did it go?"

    "Well Mister Smith so good news and some bad, What do you want first?"

    "Give me the bad news"

    "I regret I have had to amputate you both legs off below the knee."

    " Oh my god so what is the good news?"

    " Mister Jones in the next t bed wants to buy your slippers."


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    #7496
    macker20493
    Registered Users Posts: 9 ✭macker20493


    What do you call a Chinese women with no legs??


    Dragon lips.


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    #7497
    Brian_Dart
    Registered Users Posts: 93 ✭✭Brian_Dart


    A School teacher asked the kids in class to tell her a short story with the word Contagious in it.

    The first kid said: My Mum said that the Measles is contagious.
    Teacher: Well done Timmy.
    Next kid: My Dad said that the Mumps are contagious.
    Teacher: Well done Seany.
    Next kid: My Dad said that our neighbour was painting their house outside...
    Teacher: Yes Johnny, go on...
    Johnny: Well Dad said that my neighbour was using a small roller brush...
    Teacher: Go on Johnny...
    Johnny: Well Dad said that it will take the contagious!


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    #7498
    Curly Judge
    Registered Users Posts: 2,708 ✭✭✭Curly Judge


    Luigi, a very elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Positano Italy, went to the local church for confession.

    When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
    "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

    The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

    "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

    The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven"

    "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

    "And what is that?" asked the priest.

    "Should I tell her the war is over?''


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    #7499
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,293 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I went into a Chinese takeaway last night.

    The owner of the shop said, "what do you do for a riving?"

    I said, "what do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian."

    So the Chinese chap says, "go on then, change colour."

    I said, "no! I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian."

    So then he says, "tell me a joke, make me raff."

    I said, "You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?"

    Just then his Pan caught fire, so I said, "Wok! Wok!"

    And he said, "who der?"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #7500
    CarrickMcJoe
    Registered Users Posts: 3,379 ✭✭✭CarrickMcJoe


    Guy wakes up.after operation and frantically shouts, "Doctor, I cant feel my legs, I cant feel my legs"!!

    Doctor says ,"I'm sorry, but we had to amputate your arms!"


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    #7501
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

    The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

    To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

    'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

    I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

    The cop stammered, 'A what?

    A rectum stretcher?

    And just what does a rectum stretcher do?

    'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

    'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole? ' he asked.

    'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

    Traffic Ticket - €95.00
    Court Costs - €45.00

    Look on the Cop's Face........ ........PRICELESS


This discussion has been closed.
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