One-Liner Jokes

scheister · 21-05-2008 9:48am

i was about to enter the procastanaion olympics but i never got around to filling out the form

Thrill · 22-05-2008 8:10pm

Confucius say: Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

patmac · 23-05-2008 10:26am

What's a wok?
Something you throw at a wabbit.

Heisenberg. · 23-05-2008 3:37pm

This post has been deleted.

It BeeMee · 26-05-2008 10:36pm

patmac wrote: »

What's a wok?
Something you throw at a wabbit.

You twow it at the wabbit when your wifle won't work

Steve_o · 27-05-2008 12:01pm

Christy Brown gets stopped by the cops on his way to work, they hear something weird and ask..."whats that"?? "Its my lunch box", christy replies.... "Its Tickin"' says the cops, "No its Ham" says Christy.....

Apologies

johnnywishbone · 02-06-2008 11:02am

Peslo wrote: »

You got beef???
Stroganoff!!!!

Is your signature anything to do with the infamous Irish Listening test about the simpsons?

bladybladyblah · 02-06-2008 10:38pm

What did the ghost say to the bee?

BOO-BEE......

mwahahaha:D

toosb · 03-06-2008 3:47pm

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Steve_o · 04-06-2008 11:34am

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella??

Fo Drizzle...

toosb · 05-06-2008 11:18am

Steve_o wrote: »

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella??

Fo Drizzle...

I don't get that. But I'm 43.

Steve_o · 05-06-2008 11:44am

toosb wrote: »

I don't get that. But I'm 43.

Snoop referred to himself on a few occasions of snoopy D..O..double gizzle...

It is an awful joke tho, to be fair!!

toosb · 05-06-2008 11:50am

Steve_o wrote: »

Snoop referred to himself on a few occasions of snoopy D..O..double gizzle...

It is an awful joke tho, to be fair!!

I'm digging it now.

Jay D · 05-06-2008 1:47pm

still a very bad joke and I didn't get it either when first told, nothing to do with age...

Slash/ED · 05-06-2008 1:51pm

Rene Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender calls oput to him 'Yo, Rene, how you doing? Can I bet you a beer?' 'I think not' Replies Descartes. And then he disappears.

Very nerdy yet completley stupid at the same time...

toosb · 05-06-2008 9:16pm

Slash/ED wrote: »

Rene Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender calls oput to him 'Yo, Rene, how you doing? Can I bet you a beer?' 'I think not' Replies Descartes. And then he disappears.

Very nerdy yet completley stupid at the same time...

I don't get that either. Maybe I'm too young this time.

Slash/ED · 05-06-2008 9:21pm

Descartes is the philosopher who said 'I think therefore I am'. So if he thinks not...

I told you it was stupid.

toosb · 05-06-2008 9:24pm

Slash/ED wrote: »

Descartes is the philosopher who said 'I think therefore I am'. So if he thinks not...

I told you it was stupid.

Too clever for me. Or too stupid.

Haven't decided yet.

Slash/ED · 05-06-2008 9:30pm

Too stupid I think. When I first read it my problem was I was expecting something alot more clever and so did not get it for a while either.

JerryHandbag · 08-06-2008 1:14am

The Scientist wrote: »

John Terry vodka, Made in England, Bottled in Moscow.

Quality!:D
And of course theres the Avram Grant aftershave, called U Go Boss

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 08-06-2008 1:33am

First Philospoher: "Sum, Ergo Cogni."
Second Philosopher: "You mean: Cogni, Ergo Sum."
First Philosopher: "Of course - I'm always putting Descartes before the horse..."

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 08-06-2008 1:36am

JerryHandbag wrote: »

Quality!:D
And of course theres the Avram Grant aftershave, called U Go Boss

Not to mention John Terry Jelly - guanteed to slip smoothly in any box...

neil_hosey · 10-06-2008 10:50am

what do you call a camel with no humps?

Humphrey :pac:

whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

a carrot

Irishjack32 · 16-06-2008 10:35am

A man said to his wife: Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions? OK, she said. You stand by the ironing board and I'll lie on the sofa and watch TV.

Irishjack32 · 16-06-2008 10:37am

Tell me again," asked the judge, "why you parked there?" The driver rose and answered respectfully "Because, Your Honor, it said 'Fine for Parking'"

Irishjack32 · 16-06-2008 10:39am

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

mrs.vandoorn · 19-06-2008 12:03am

What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios ??

WOW ................ Donut seeds !!

Milky Joe · 19-06-2008 4:04pm

Did you hear about the constipated mathemitician? He worked it out with a pencil.:p oh yes

TeletextPear · 19-06-2008 4:10pm

Steve_o wrote: »

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella??

Fo Drizzle...

i laughed for ages at that

The Bollox · 19-06-2008 4:50pm

Milky Joe wrote: »

Did you hear about the constipated mathemitician? He worked it out with a pencil.:p oh yes

I lol'd in work at that! brilliant!

JP Liz · 20-06-2008 5:11pm

What do you call a prostitute with no legs????

Cash and Carry

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 21-06-2008 12:37am

What do you call a Russian prostitute?

Nickers Onandov

But to be far it's a tough job. And cold in Russia. Why last year it was so cold that the hookers were doing free bjs just to get something warm into their stomachs.

Andrewf20 · 22-06-2008 4:53am

From FHM magazine:

Did you hear about the cheese grater that Stevie Wonders wife got him for christmas?

He said it was easily the most violent book he's ever read.

Whats the difference between a duck?

One of its legs are both the same.

byrner88 · 22-06-2008 5:22pm

if this rain keeps up its gonna stay like that

cautioner · 26-06-2008 11:23pm

Andrewf20 wrote:

Whats the difference between a duck?

One of its legs are both the same

I laughed for far longer than was necessary at that.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm in your apple!

What's even worse than finding half a worm in your apple?

Rape.

fredzer · 28-06-2008 1:46am

Rape is no laughing matter … unless you’re being raped by a clown!!

:eek:

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 28-06-2008 1:59am

Two ducks in a pond, one looks up and says, "quack!"

The other looks up and says, "you know, I was just gonna say that..."

Raoul · 01-07-2008 9:05pm

Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre!!!!:D

Mahatma coat · 02-07-2008 10:01am

Milky Joe wrote: »

Did you hear about the constipated mathemitician? He worked it out with a pencil.:p oh yes

I heard of another one who worked it out with his Fingers

Irishjack32 · 03-07-2008 3:53pm

Girls are like phones.we like to be held and talked too- but if u press the wrong button u'll be disconnected!

Irishjack32 · 03-07-2008 3:58pm

Things you would like to say at work

How do I set a laser printer to stun?
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You!... Off my planet!

Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

whiskeyman · 04-07-2008 3:32pm

Raoul wrote: »

Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre!!!!:D

FANTASTIC!!!

:D:D

Irishjack32 · 08-07-2008 12:46am

Dear STAFF,

Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

TRANSPORTATION:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

a) If we see you driving a CAMRY/CIVIC, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

ANNUAL LEAVE:
Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year - They are called Sundays.

LUNCH BREAK:
a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.
- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

TOILET USE :
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.

a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.

b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.

c) After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.

SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.

- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.

- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary.

- Important Note: Charges applicable as S$2.00 per minute as we have 4MB connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Best regards,
XXXXXXXXXX

BaZmO* · 08-07-2008 12:54am

Irishjack32 wrote: »

Dear STAFF,

Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

TRANSPORTATION:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

a) If we see you driving a CAMRY/CIVIC, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

ANNUAL LEAVE:
Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year - They are called Sundays.

LUNCH BREAK:
a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.
- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

TOILET USE :
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.

a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.

b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.

c) After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.

SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.

- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.

- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary.

- Important Note: Charges applicable as S$2.00 per minute as we have 4MB connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Best regards,
XXXXXXXXXX

One-Liner Joke?

Irishjack32 · 08-07-2008 10:00am

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.