The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Comer1 · 03-03-2014 3:32pm

Curly Judge wrote: »

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with
pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said
loudly,

"Wow, She's fat!”

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be
quiet..

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms
out as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your blooming life, she's reversing!!"

As a goldfish, how do you type on the keyboard, or is it specially adapted for you?

Curly Judge · 03-03-2014 4:13pm

Hermy wrote: »

Was funnier the first time!

Apologies!
Alzheimer's etc.

youtheman · 03-03-2014 5:33pm

Knock - Knock

Bang - Bang - Bang

Who's there

Oscar Pistorius

03-03-2014 8:17pm

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,
and noticed he had his collar on backwards .

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards .
The man being a priest said, " I am a Father . ."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the
Father of many ."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

The priest, getting impatient said , "I am the Father of
hundreds", and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned
over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom,
and put your trouserss on backwards instead of your collar."

Hitchens · 04-03-2014 9:31am

My pet mouse died yesterday, his name was Elvis

.......he was caught in a trap

Sir Arthur Daley · 04-03-2014 2:47pm

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
''Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?''
''Just take two,'' Brenda replied. ''The rest are for your father.''

rolliepoley · 04-03-2014 9:05pm

My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes today.

She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

05-03-2014 8:46am

It has just been reported that the head gardener at The White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to the many United States Presidents.

When interviewed, the gardener protested his innocence and said, "All I know is I was walking past the Oval Office and I asked, 'Has anyone seen the spade or the hoe'. The next thing I knew I was fired."

Jon_459 · 05-03-2014 2:04pm

Hermy wrote: »

Was funnier the first time!

No - I prefer this version

Hitchens · 05-03-2014 6:58pm

Putin - "knock, knock"

Obama - "who's there?"

Putin - "Crimea"

Obama - "Crimea who?"

Putin - "Crimea river!" :pac:

Curly Judge · 05-03-2014 8:02pm

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
.............................................................................
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.............................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
.............................................................................
The last is always best
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

05-03-2014 11:15pm

FEMALE COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fúcked?'
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

05-03-2014 11:27pm

Curly Judge wrote: »

Yorkshire folk

Those of you not from Yorkshire , you may need to think about their accent to get these ...

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist,
"Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum"
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us"
A Yorkshire man's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet, he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to
Remember the dog by.
Yorkshire man: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshire man: "No, yer daft bugger, I want it chewin' a bone!"

Curly Judge wrote: »

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
.............................................................................
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.............................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
.............................................................................
The last is always best
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

This is becoming a Möbius thread.

Sir Arthur Daley · 06-03-2014 12:53am

Deleted User wrote: »

This is becoming a Möbius thread.

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side

Epic1337 · 06-03-2014 1:24am

Ten high-profile figures from the world of banking have taken their own lives in the last six weeks.

Proof that bankers do have some community spirit after all.

06-03-2014 8:55am

An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly
couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50
and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to
watch again.

The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay
the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
sorry, but I have to ask.

Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house.

I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges £98.

The Hilton charges £139.

We do it here for £50, and I get £25 back from BUPA!

Curly Judge · 06-03-2014 10:10am

Deleted User wrote: »

An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly
couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50
and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to
watch again.

The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay
the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
sorry, but I have to ask.

Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house.

I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges £98.

The Hilton charges £139.

We do it here for £50, and I get £25 back from BUPA!

Ever get a slight sense of deja vu?

Capt'n Midnight · 06-03-2014 10:27am

Q: Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
A: To get to the same side.

Curly Judge · 06-03-2014 11:37am

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Q: Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
A: To get to the same side.

It must be contagious?

eamonnq · 06-03-2014 11:41am

WikiHow wrote: »

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Q: Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
A: To get to the same side.

Curly Judge wrote: »

Ever get a slight sense of deja vu?

NO

06-03-2014 7:31pm

The mother-in-law arrives to visit her daughter to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she never got your E-mail!"

06-03-2014 7:32pm

Curly Judge wrote: »

Ever get a slight sense of deja vu?

All the time here on the great joke recycling centre. :P

06-03-2014 7:35pm

The war of the Möbius strip.

It was never ending!

Aquagakka · 06-03-2014 9:35pm

What goes, clip…………clop………...clip…………clop………...clip…………clop…………,

BANG!

clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop?

An Amish drive-by shooting.

Banjo String · 06-03-2014 9:39pm

A Roman soldier walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up at the barman and says "Five pints please".

Sir Arthur Daley · 06-03-2014 9:41pm

Bruce Willis was found dead from a viagra overdose,

he must have died hard

Capt'n Midnight · 06-03-2014 9:46pm

Aquagakka wrote: »

An Amish drive-by shooting.

Every time I hear about Discovery's Amish Mafia program I think of this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo74Dn7W_pA

rolliepoley · 06-03-2014 10:00pm

How does a lobster answer the phone?

Shello?

rolliepoley · 08-03-2014 6:32pm

What is oscar pistorius favorite song?

Cry me a Reeva.

groovie · 08-03-2014 6:48pm

rolliepoley wrote: »

What is oscar pistorius favorite song?

Cry me a Reeva.

Reeva deep, mountain high.

slaneylad · 08-03-2014 7:02pm

Man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy."

The vet takes a look and says:
"It seems pretty calm to me."

The man says:
"Idiot, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"

rolliepoley · 09-03-2014 3:45pm

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!""No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

RedFormanFITA · 09-03-2014 10:36pm

Who didn't invent the aeroplane?

The Wrong Brothers.

A Guard walks up to a man doing push ups in the Phoneix Park and says to him, Sir, she's gone.

10-03-2014 9:18pm

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied:

"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

rolliepoley · 10-03-2014 10:41pm

Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.

Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.

Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.

Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.

Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog

Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.

Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.

Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.

Capt'n Midnight · 11-03-2014 8:15pm

The best part about bitcoins is that you get to watch libertarians slowly discover why financial regulations exist to begin with

Hitchens · 12-03-2014 5:46pm

A young Irishman got married and he had to go away from home to get work while his wife reared the family.

Every weekend he came home the first thing he would ask was .. "how did Celtic do last weekend"? .......and his wife would have to know the result.

When he came back one weekend after nearly 30 years of marriage he asked her for the Celtic result, and being fed up she said..........."you love Celtic more than me, seeing as it's the first thing you ask when you get home"!

Without even blinking he replied.......

.............."ffs, I even love Rangers more than you"

15-03-2014 10:06pm

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was having a wee and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet ! came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said mum, 'I know what happened You were having a wee and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

16-03-2014 11:30am

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face......

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedo" and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
(Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.)

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham.

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Capt'n Midnight · 16-03-2014 1:19pm

Two lads walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section
and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the
birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the
Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop
and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,
"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

, THERE'S MORE,

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop
too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in
one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself
over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either!"

, IT IS NOT OVER YET,

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out
of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and
hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a
rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with
his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting, and now Sean and his
fook'n hengliding!"

rolliepoley · 16-03-2014 9:01pm

For six months Fred had been driving the local garbage truck. Every week he noticed that one household never put out their wheelly bin.
Finally, curiosity got the better of him and he knocked on the door. It was answered by a little scrawny Chinaman.
"Good day, Sir," said Fred. "I'm the local garbage collector and I wanted to know where's your bin?"
"I bin here," replied the scrawny Chinaman.
"No," replied Fred. "Where's your bin?"
"I told you!" the scrawny Chinaman shouted. "I bin Here!"
"Nah," replied Fred. "You don't understand. Where's your wheelly bin?"
"Oh," said the Chinaman, winking. "I wheelly bin in jail - but I tell everyone I bin here!"

Sir Arthur Daley · 16-03-2014 11:15pm

A doctor had a good reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests.
Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you." "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some bananas and doughnuts.
Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the bananas across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the banana using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some squash and a box of cheerios... "

17-03-2014 8:18pm

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me..

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate she never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment....then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Curly Judge · 18-03-2014 10:09pm

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers on their way to classes.

As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."

But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years.

She greeted them with "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you the wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you."

But again after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed today."

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face before greeting Sister Mary.

"Good morning, Sister Mary, I'm so happy to see you up and about," she said, speaking up. "I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, good morning, Mother Superior," Mary said. "I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored!

"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant but three times already today people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker and looked Mother Superior in the face.

"Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior," Mary said in a loud voice. "It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

19-03-2014 8:52am

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever Had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

J Cheever Loophole · 20-03-2014 1:42am

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks.
At death's door, they see a tree in the distance.
As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon; crispy bacon; life-giving, nearly raw, juicy bacon... all sorts of bacon.

"Hey, Pepe," says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!"

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets. His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.

"Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa hombre?"

With his last breath, Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree....... ees a ham bush!"

MonkeyTennis · 20-03-2014 5:55pm

At a job interview a young man is asked what his greatest weakness is.

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a f*ck what you think."

Blisterman · 20-03-2014 9:08pm

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay €100 to have a lentil on my face.

WilyCoyote · 21-03-2014 5:35pm

I have CDO. It’s a bit like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order - just as they should be.

Hitchens · 21-03-2014 5:40pm

"What's your name?"

"Colin Fúcking Wilson"

"Do you suffer from Tourette's Colin?"

"No, But the priest at the Christening did."

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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