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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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  • Options
    #6092
    Happyman42
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,066 ✭✭✭✭Happyman42


    GerB40 wrote: »
    If you look him up you'll find that he actually has more than one joke. .

    Brendan O'Carroll has loads of jokes too...trouble is, they aren't his.


  • Options
    #6093
    Curly Judge
    Registered Users Posts: 2,708 ✭✭✭Curly Judge


    A man received the following text message from his neighbour:

    "I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I
    have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.

    I'm not getting it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with
    the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

    The husband, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his pistol, and without a word, shot and killed her.
    A few moments later, a second text message came in:
    " Damn autocorrect . Sorry, that should have said " wifi " not " wife."


  • Options
    #6094
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    How is a casino like a good woman?






















    Liquor in the front, poker in the back!


  • Options
    #6095
    EoghanIRL
    Registered Users Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    I used to be addicted to soap but I'm clean now .

    My friend is addicted to brake fluid but he can stop any time .

    I used to go to the men's locker room but then I changed .

    Can't think of anymore :)


  • Options
    #6096
    EoghanIRL
    Registered Users Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    Mitch hedberg is one of my favourites at the moment :

    I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

    When someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kind of like they're saying, "Here, you throw this away."

    Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.


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    #6097
    Sir Arthur Daley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,720 ✭✭✭Sir Arthur Daley


    I saw a Nun earlier in town one thought came to mind, Virgin mobile.


  • Options
    #6098
    byronbay2
    Registered Users Posts: 1,772 ✭✭✭byronbay2


    Don't know if this is the best joke I ever heard but I certainly laughed:

    What is the difference between a job and a wife?

    After 10 years, the job still sucks!!


  • Options
    #6099
    Hitchens
    Registered Users Posts: 7,982 ✭✭✭Hitchens


    What animal has a cúnt halfway up its back?


    a police horse!
    :pac:


  • Options
    #6100
    Curly Judge
    Registered Users Posts: 2,708 ✭✭✭Curly Judge


    A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
    lunchtime.
    They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with
    pager.

    After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said
    loudly,

    "Wow, She's fat!”

    The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be
    quiet..

    A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms
    out as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
    The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
    The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
    After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

    Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
    The little boy yelled out, "Run for your blooming life, she's reversing!!"


  • Options
    #6101
    Hermy
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 11,313 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hermy


    Curly Judge wrote: »
    A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
    lunchtime...

    Was funnier the first time!

    Genealogy Forum Mod



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    #6102
    Comer1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,029 ✭✭✭Comer1


    Curly Judge wrote: »
    A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
    lunchtime.
    They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with
    pager.

    After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said
    loudly,

    "Wow, She's fat!”

    The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be
    quiet..

    A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms
    out as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
    The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
    The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
    After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

    Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
    The little boy yelled out, "Run for your blooming life, she's reversing!!"

    As a goldfish, how do you type on the keyboard, or is it specially adapted for you?


  • Options
    #6103
    Curly Judge
    Registered Users Posts: 2,708 ✭✭✭Curly Judge


    Hermy wrote: »
    Was funnier the first time!

    Apologies!
    Alzheimer's etc.


  • Options
    #6104
    youtheman
    Registered Users Posts: 1,269 ✭✭✭youtheman


    Knock - Knock

    Bang - Bang - Bang

    Who's there

    Oscar Pistorius


  • Options
    #6105
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,
    and noticed he had his collar on backwards .

    The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards .
    The man being a priest said, " I am a Father . ."

    The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

    The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the
    Father of many ."

    The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
    grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

    The priest, getting impatient said , "I am the Father of
    hundreds", and went back to reading his book.

    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned
    over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom,
    and put your trouserss on backwards instead of your collar."


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    #6106
    Hitchens
    Registered Users Posts: 7,982 ✭✭✭Hitchens


    My pet mouse died yesterday, his name was Elvis :(




    .......he was caught in a trap :)


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    #6107
    Sir Arthur Daley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,720 ✭✭✭Sir Arthur Daley


    Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
    With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

    After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

    The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
    ''Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?''
    ''Just take two,'' Brenda replied. ''The rest are for your father.''


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    #6108
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes today.

    She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.


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    #6109
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    It has just been reported that the head gardener at The White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to the many United States Presidents.

    When interviewed, the gardener protested his innocence and said, "All I know is I was walking past the Oval Office and I asked, 'Has anyone seen the spade or the hoe'. The next thing I knew I was fired."


  • Options
    #6110
    Jon_459
    Registered Users Posts: 145 ✭✭Jon_459


    Hermy wrote: »
    Was funnier the first time!

    No - I prefer this version


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    #6111
    Hitchens
    Registered Users Posts: 7,982 ✭✭✭Hitchens


    Putin - "knock, knock"

    Obama - "who's there?"

    Putin - "Crimea"

    Obama - "Crimea who?"

    Putin - "Crimea river!" :pac:


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    #6112
    Curly Judge
    Registered Users Posts: 2,708 ✭✭✭Curly Judge


    Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
    Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
    .............................................................................
    A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
    Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
    Vet: "Is it a tom?"
    Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
    .............................................................................
    A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
    Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
    Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
    Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
    .............................................................................
    The last is always best
    Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
    Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"


  • Options
    #6113
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    FEMALE COMPASSION

    A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
    Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
    The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
    The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
    The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
    The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
    The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fúcked?'
    The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'
    She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'


  • Options
    #6114
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Curly Judge wrote: »
    Yorkshire folk

    Those of you not from Yorkshire , you may need to think about their accent to get these ...


    Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist,
    "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
    Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?
    Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
    Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
    Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum"
    A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
    Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
    Vet: "Is it a tom?"
    Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us"
    A Yorkshire man's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet, he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to
    Remember the dog by.
    Yorkshire man: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
    Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
    Yorkshire man: "No, yer daft bugger, I want it chewin' a bone!"
    Curly Judge wrote: »
    Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
    Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
    .............................................................................
    A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
    Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
    Vet: "Is it a tom?"
    Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
    .............................................................................
    A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
    Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
    Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
    Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
    .............................................................................
    The last is always best
    Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
    Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

    This is becoming a Möbius thread.


  • Options
    #6115
    Sir Arthur Daley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,720 ✭✭✭Sir Arthur Daley


    Deleted User wrote: »
    This is becoming a Möbius thread.

    Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

    To get to the same side


  • Options
    #6116
    Epic1337
    Registered Users Posts: 12 ✭Epic1337


    Ten high-profile figures from the world of banking have taken their own lives in the last six weeks.

    Proof that bankers do have some community spirit after all.


  • Options
    #6117
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office.

    The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

    The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

    The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly
    couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

    When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing
    wrong with the way you have intercourse."

    He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50
    and he says goodbye.

    The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to
    watch again.

    The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

    This happens several weeks in a row.

    The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay
    the doctor, then leave.

    Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
    sorry, but I have to ask.

    Just what are you trying to find out?"

    The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.

    She's married and we can't go to her house.

    I'm married and we can't go to my house.

    The Holiday Inn charges £98.

    The Hilton charges £139.

    We do it here for £50, and I get £25 back from BUPA!


  • Options
    #6118
    Curly Judge
    Registered Users Posts: 2,708 ✭✭✭Curly Judge


    Deleted User wrote: »
    An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office.

    The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

    The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

    The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly
    couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

    When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing
    wrong with the way you have intercourse."

    He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50
    and he says goodbye.

    The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to
    watch again.

    The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

    This happens several weeks in a row.

    The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay
    the doctor, then leave.

    Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
    sorry, but I have to ask.

    Just what are you trying to find out?"

    The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.

    She's married and we can't go to her house.

    I'm married and we can't go to my house.

    The Holiday Inn charges £98.

    The Hilton charges £139.

    We do it here for £50, and I get £25 back from BUPA!

    Ever get a slight sense of deja vu?


  • Options
    #6119
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,811 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Q: Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
    A: To get to the same side.


  • Options
    #6120
    Curly Judge
    Registered Users Posts: 2,708 ✭✭✭Curly Judge


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    Q: Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
    A: To get to the same side.

    It must be contagious?


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    #6121
    eamonnq
    Registered Users Posts: 4,009 ✭✭✭eamonnq


    WikiHow wrote: »
    Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

    To get to the same side
    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    Q: Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
    A: To get to the same side.


    Curly Judge wrote: »
    Ever get a slight sense of deja vu?


    NO


This discussion has been closed.
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